Codependent behaviours forever to be worked on.....
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Codependent behaviours forever to be worked on.....
So I have gone no contact with my ex since new years day. Cant help thinking about him this week, he's occupying my thoughts. Even after how hurtful he was at Xmas and new year I miss him. Just being honest. I obviously need my head examined.
Been dating a new guy the last couple of weeks, dinners out etc, he's nice, normal likes conversation etc. He doesn't text a lot between meet ups which makes me wonder if he's interested. My ex would text constantly, was addicted to his phone.
I suppose my point here is the Codependent traits don't just dissappear when you go no contact with an ex. I never expected them to. Here's a sane sorted guy, and I am probably missing some of the drama of my ex. Hard to admit but there was more excitement. Im now having to examine myself a whole lot more (focus not on the alcoholic). My needyness for more texts, my putting my well being in someone else (not fair on new guy), when i should be getting that from myself and my life. Looking at oneself and ones Codependent traits is hard uneasy work. Can see why we choose to focus on others🙄, takes the heat off of us, but in focusing on them I know we can loose a lot more too.
Anyone else experience this type of uncomfortableness in trying to be around/date someone who's sane/sorted not an alcoholic? I feel like I'm the crazy one now lol. Is it unfair to expect texts/interest between meet ups.
Perhaps joining a monastery is on the cards. This stuff is hard.
Been dating a new guy the last couple of weeks, dinners out etc, he's nice, normal likes conversation etc. He doesn't text a lot between meet ups which makes me wonder if he's interested. My ex would text constantly, was addicted to his phone.
I suppose my point here is the Codependent traits don't just dissappear when you go no contact with an ex. I never expected them to. Here's a sane sorted guy, and I am probably missing some of the drama of my ex. Hard to admit but there was more excitement. Im now having to examine myself a whole lot more (focus not on the alcoholic). My needyness for more texts, my putting my well being in someone else (not fair on new guy), when i should be getting that from myself and my life. Looking at oneself and ones Codependent traits is hard uneasy work. Can see why we choose to focus on others🙄, takes the heat off of us, but in focusing on them I know we can loose a lot more too.
Anyone else experience this type of uncomfortableness in trying to be around/date someone who's sane/sorted not an alcoholic? I feel like I'm the crazy one now lol. Is it unfair to expect texts/interest between meet ups.
Perhaps joining a monastery is on the cards. This stuff is hard.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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All is well.
Getting comfortable in my own skin is something I'm extremely grateful for in my recovery.
It's a journey that gets easier as we get used to treating ourselves well and creating a healthy relationship with self first.
Perhaps it's simply too early to jump into a relationship with another person?
Getting comfortable in my own skin is something I'm extremely grateful for in my recovery.
It's a journey that gets easier as we get used to treating ourselves well and creating a healthy relationship with self first.
Perhaps it's simply too early to jump into a relationship with another person?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
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Where are you physically and can you change that up right now?
Is it possible to go walking, take a drive, change up what's around you and get open to some fun God-signs?
Have you been to many meetings lately? Have you considered getting a sponsor and working the steps?
Just food for thought. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Is it possible to go walking, take a drive, change up what's around you and get open to some fun God-signs?
Have you been to many meetings lately? Have you considered getting a sponsor and working the steps?
Just food for thought. Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Originally Posted by Mango212 
Where are you physically and can you change that up right now?
Is it possible to go walking, take a drive, change up what's around you and get open to some fun God-signs?
Have you been to many meetings lately? Have you considered getting a sponsor and working the steps?
Just food for thought. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Is it possible to go walking, take a drive, change up what's around you and get open to some fun God-signs?
Have you been to many meetings lately? Have you considered getting a sponsor and working the steps?
Just food for thought. Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Location: W Washington
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hearing a little "all or nothing" thinking here.....New Year's Day was 16 days ago......2 weeks-ish. not quite sure that qualifies as FOREVER? none of us recovers in a matter of days or weeks or months. a couple weeks of no contact isn't really giving yourself enough time to sort out what you feel, how you feel or why you feel. your process is also complicated by adding another new person into the mix and already fretting over the number of texts and times of contact. HE is not going to fill the void - HE is not a replacement. in fact it would probably be a good idea to NOT date anyone right now.....your head is still replaying the last game on an endless loop.
you obviously have needs that desire to be met. we all do. however, as adults, we can't keep looking to others to soothe and calm us, inspire and excite us, or just rescue us from boredom. we must learn WHAT our needs truly are and then what WE need to do in order to satisfy them in healthy, independent ways that do not rely upon others.
you obviously have needs that desire to be met. we all do. however, as adults, we can't keep looking to others to soothe and calm us, inspire and excite us, or just rescue us from boredom. we must learn WHAT our needs truly are and then what WE need to do in order to satisfy them in healthy, independent ways that do not rely upon others.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
hearing a little "all or nothing" thinking here.....New Year's Day was 16 days ago......2 weeks-ish. not quite sure that qualifies as FOREVER? none of us recovers in a matter of days or weeks or months. a couple weeks of no contact isn't really giving yourself enough time to sort out what you feel, how you feel or why you feel. your process is also complicated by adding another new person into the mix and already fretting over the number of texts and times of contact. HE is not going to fill the void - HE is not a replacement. in fact it would probably be a good idea to NOT date anyone right now.....your head is still replaying the last game on an endless loop.
you obviously have needs that desire to be met. we all do. however, as adults, we can't keep looking to others to soothe and calm us, inspire and excite us, or just rescue us from boredom. we must learn WHAT our needs truly are and then what WE need to do in order to satisfy them in healthy, independent ways that do not rely upon others.
you obviously have needs that desire to be met. we all do. however, as adults, we can't keep looking to others to soothe and calm us, inspire and excite us, or just rescue us from boredom. we must learn WHAT our needs truly are and then what WE need to do in order to satisfy them in healthy, independent ways that do not rely upon others.
I really do a lot for my own life and I am enjoying the new person, I suppose I'm trying to guage certain aspects of it as I haven't dated in a LONG time. My instinct is that fretting over the texting thing is not helpful and something is off there. Codependent perhaps. When you say we need to look at what our needs truly are, what type of needs do you mean?
Believe me I'm not trying to make him someone to fill any boredom. I have learned a lot about codependency and realise self love, self care and that journey towards being a whole person independently is the key. Having my own life is important. Then can one attempt a relationship with another whole person. Maybe it's too early for me.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I have learned a lot about codependency and realise self love, self care and that journey towards being a whole person independently is the key. Having my own life is important. Then can one attempt a relationship with another whole person. Maybe it's too early for me.
And worth every minute, if it helps.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
My instinct is that fretting over the texting thing is not helpful and something is off there. Codependent perhaps.
There is nothing wrong with that. What that might mean is that this person you are dating is not the person you should be dating! This could be an early indicator.
Instead of thinking there is something "wrong" with you, how about honoring your feelings and saying ok, I'm not good with this.
Examining your motives is a great thing, not questioning that at all but brushing aside your feelings leads to the circus tent. Just saying that not every thing you don't care for is wrong.
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Is it unfair to expect texts/interest between meet ups.
The minute you find yourself taking on the sole responsibility to keep in touch and connected is a big red flag that you are going in an unhealthy direction.
But I do think you hit the nail on the head with………..
Maybe it's too early for me.
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Add me to the "too early" thought process too Glen. I think you know it too - you pretty well said the same thing in your other thread this week.
If I remove the "filler" in between these thoughts, lol:
But now he's not flooding you with attention & that leaves time for your monkey-mind to go wandering through all the what-if's.
"What If" you just gave yourself a break & decided to not date anyone but yourself for 6 months? What is the worst thing that could happen if you stopped thinking about it (dating) at all & just removed it as a thing in your life in any way?
If I remove the "filler" in between these thoughts, lol:
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I blocked ex on new year's day and haven't heard anything since and I feel good about it. Almost feels too good if you know what I mean. I've been addicted and obsessed with him for nearly a couple of years so how can I just stop like this and be ok?
.................................................. ....................
Been on a few dates also with a really kind person which has also helped take my mind off of him. This guy rarely drinks, can you believe it, and loves conversation, playing music and runs his own business.
.................................................. ....................
Been on a few dates also with a really kind person which has also helped take my mind off of him. This guy rarely drinks, can you believe it, and loves conversation, playing music and runs his own business.
"What If" you just gave yourself a break & decided to not date anyone but yourself for 6 months? What is the worst thing that could happen if you stopped thinking about it (dating) at all & just removed it as a thing in your life in any way?
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Originally Posted by atalose
Yes it is unfair to expect someone you had a few dates with to be blowing up your phone with text messages/calls.
The minute you find yourself taking on the sole responsibility to keep in touch and connected is a big red flag that you are going in an unhealthy direction.
But I do think you hit the nail on the head with………..
The minute you find yourself taking on the sole responsibility to keep in touch and connected is a big red flag that you are going in an unhealthy direction.
But I do think you hit the nail on the head with………..
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Originally Posted by trailmix
How about that right there? Perhaps you are a person that needs contact on a regular basis. There are people who text a few times a day, sharing a quick story and a good morning and good night (if casually dating) and that's all fine and good. Maybe you are a person that really enjoys that contact and it makes you feel connected to the person.
There is nothing wrong with that. What that might mean is that this person you are dating is not the person you should be dating! This could be an early indicator.
Instead of thinking there is something "wrong" with you, how about honoring your feelings and saying ok, I'm not good with this.
Examining your motives is a great thing, not questioning that at all but brushing aside your feelings leads to the circus tent. Just saying that not every thing you don't care for is wrong.
There is nothing wrong with that. What that might mean is that this person you are dating is not the person you should be dating! This could be an early indicator.
Instead of thinking there is something "wrong" with you, how about honoring your feelings and saying ok, I'm not good with this.
Examining your motives is a great thing, not questioning that at all but brushing aside your feelings leads to the circus tent. Just saying that not every thing you don't care for is wrong.
I'll tread carefully maybe discuss it with him and if necessary take a step back. Again!
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I can't tell you what your timeline on this will be. I can only reiterate that for me, this was a process of years, not weeks.
And worth every minute, if it helps.
And worth every minute, if it helps.
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You are used to that dramatic furious texting from the ex. Firstly, you were in a long-distance relationship when most of that was happening, that's different, in order to stay connected more of that type of contact is necessary - plus - well you know all about that relationship lol
The narc texted frequently too - I see it more as a checking up on me to see what I'm up to thing than any kind of true caring (now, I think I was flattered originally)
You are in the 'getting to know you stage', perhaps you could be assessing if this is the sort of person you would like to have as a friend.
But all that aside, I was just cautioning you to not always sweep your needs/wants to the side. You can decide if it is an appropriate time in a relationship for more contact.
I actually understand that after 4 dates a few check ins during the week might be desirable - a hey how is your day going? Do you ever text him and ask him how his week is going?
The narc texted frequently too - I see it more as a checking up on me to see what I'm up to thing than any kind of true caring (now, I think I was flattered originally)
You are in the 'getting to know you stage', perhaps you could be assessing if this is the sort of person you would like to have as a friend.
But all that aside, I was just cautioning you to not always sweep your needs/wants to the side. You can decide if it is an appropriate time in a relationship for more contact.
I actually understand that after 4 dates a few check ins during the week might be desirable - a hey how is your day going? Do you ever text him and ask him how his week is going?
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by trailmix
You are used to that dramatic furious texting from the ex. Firstly, you were in a long-distance relationship when most of that was happening, that's different, in order to stay connected more of that type of contact is necessary - plus - well you know all about that relationship lol
The narc texted frequently too - I see it more as a checking up on me to see what I'm up to thing than any kind of true caring (now, I think I was flattered originally)
You are in the 'getting to know you stage', perhaps you could be assessing if this is the sort of person you would like to have as a friend.
But all that aside, I was just cautioning you to not always sweep your needs/wants to the side. You can decide if it is an appropriate time in a relationship for more contact.
I actually understand that after 4 dates a few check ins during the week might be desirable - a hey how is your day going? Do you ever text him and ask him how his week is going?
The narc texted frequently too - I see it more as a checking up on me to see what I'm up to thing than any kind of true caring (now, I think I was flattered originally)
You are in the 'getting to know you stage', perhaps you could be assessing if this is the sort of person you would like to have as a friend.
But all that aside, I was just cautioning you to not always sweep your needs/wants to the side. You can decide if it is an appropriate time in a relationship for more contact.
I actually understand that after 4 dates a few check ins during the week might be desirable - a hey how is your day going? Do you ever text him and ask him how his week is going?
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Here's an explanation of trauma bonds, love bombing and recovery:
"Trauma bonds are exactly what they sound like: bonds that are formed between people by trauma. And they are strong. Unlike love, bonding is both a biological and emotional process. Bonds don't fade over time. You can't "fall out of bond" the way you can fall out of love. Bonding survives, even when you don't love the person anymore, or even like them. These bonds have to be broken in order to move on and heal. It is very difficult to stay away from a person you have bonded with, which is why people stay in abusive relationships even after they know they should leave, and even after they actually want to leave. It's a dirty trick, really. Love is easier to release than a trauma bond, and, an even dirtier trick, the longer a relationship involving a trauma bond goes on, the harder it is to leave. This is especially true when enmeshment occurs, which is the break down of boundaries between people. Enmeshment is when boundaries are so poor, people cannot tell where they end and the other person begins.
Why are Trauma Bonds So Strong?
Trauma bonds are caused by inconsistency in relationships. Love bombing followed by abuse, followed by more love bombing, for example. That's inconsistency. It keeps people off-kilter and continuously looking for a way to get back the good feelings. This type of dynamic occurs in relationships with narcissists, with alcoholics and drug addicts, and in abusive relationships in general. People who have grown up in an abusive environment are especialy susceptible to this type of thing.
Breaking a Trauma Bond
The way to break a trauma bond is by consciously deciding to live in reality. It's about confronting your own denials and illusions. That means facing the truth of the situation, whatever that is. This person is abusive and they are not going to change. It doesn't matter if you hope they will or fantasize that they might. They are not going to. Their motives, reasons, intentions and excuses don't matter. It isn't about them. It's about the truth, and the simple truth is that it isn't going to change. Another truth you need to face may be the truth that you don't love this person anymore. It's almost certainly the truth that they don't love you and cannot be the person you need. It's OK to grieve these things; they need to be acknowledged and they are going to hurt because you are losing something valuable to yourself. But you can't let that stop you from facing these things down. It's only temporary."
"Trauma bonds are exactly what they sound like: bonds that are formed between people by trauma. And they are strong. Unlike love, bonding is both a biological and emotional process. Bonds don't fade over time. You can't "fall out of bond" the way you can fall out of love. Bonding survives, even when you don't love the person anymore, or even like them. These bonds have to be broken in order to move on and heal. It is very difficult to stay away from a person you have bonded with, which is why people stay in abusive relationships even after they know they should leave, and even after they actually want to leave. It's a dirty trick, really. Love is easier to release than a trauma bond, and, an even dirtier trick, the longer a relationship involving a trauma bond goes on, the harder it is to leave. This is especially true when enmeshment occurs, which is the break down of boundaries between people. Enmeshment is when boundaries are so poor, people cannot tell where they end and the other person begins.
Why are Trauma Bonds So Strong?
Trauma bonds are caused by inconsistency in relationships. Love bombing followed by abuse, followed by more love bombing, for example. That's inconsistency. It keeps people off-kilter and continuously looking for a way to get back the good feelings. This type of dynamic occurs in relationships with narcissists, with alcoholics and drug addicts, and in abusive relationships in general. People who have grown up in an abusive environment are especialy susceptible to this type of thing.
Breaking a Trauma Bond
The way to break a trauma bond is by consciously deciding to live in reality. It's about confronting your own denials and illusions. That means facing the truth of the situation, whatever that is. This person is abusive and they are not going to change. It doesn't matter if you hope they will or fantasize that they might. They are not going to. Their motives, reasons, intentions and excuses don't matter. It isn't about them. It's about the truth, and the simple truth is that it isn't going to change. Another truth you need to face may be the truth that you don't love this person anymore. It's almost certainly the truth that they don't love you and cannot be the person you need. It's OK to grieve these things; they need to be acknowledged and they are going to hurt because you are losing something valuable to yourself. But you can't let that stop you from facing these things down. It's only temporary."
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