need encouragement - again....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
need encouragement - again....
Hi guys. I'm having a bad day today... wishing this fight with alcohol wasn't so bloody difficult - so hard! I am really, really struggling right now. I feel rotten. Given the choice, I wouldn't be here at all... but that's defeatist, self-pitying thinking and I know that. I just feel like such a jerk - I have let myself and others down so many times I've lost count. It's hard to forgive yourself when you're letting yourself down over and over again... it's hard to have hope. I understand very well that there's no easy way out of alcoholism. I think part of my problem is that I still haven't fully surrendered; there's some tiny part of me that still thinks I can do this on my own, that kicks and whines because I cannot drink like others can... it's just such a struggle, and sometimes it feels as though I'm not worth such a struggle. I've been a jerk so many times, why should I trust that I really can recover?
I don't know what I'm asking for here, folks... and I apologize for asking for your help yet again. I'm just feeling really sad and confused and hopeless and guilty.
Thanks for listening,
anne
I don't know what I'm asking for here, folks... and I apologize for asking for your help yet again. I'm just feeling really sad and confused and hopeless and guilty.
Thanks for listening,
anne
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Hi Anne,
I totally agree with you that the disease of alcoholism is a really tough one to live with. I fought against the idea of never drinking again for a long time and it caused me a lot of grief. I think low self-esteem can be a direct path to addiction and my opinion of myself was very low too. And, of course it got lower as I continued to let myself and my family down.
You need to believe that you are worth this struggle. You have a purpose on earth at this time and you need to take care of yourself. You are a good person and can regain control of your life. Take small steps and don't think long-term. Never give up hope. You can do this!
Love, Anna
I totally agree with you that the disease of alcoholism is a really tough one to live with. I fought against the idea of never drinking again for a long time and it caused me a lot of grief. I think low self-esteem can be a direct path to addiction and my opinion of myself was very low too. And, of course it got lower as I continued to let myself and my family down.
You need to believe that you are worth this struggle. You have a purpose on earth at this time and you need to take care of yourself. You are a good person and can regain control of your life. Take small steps and don't think long-term. Never give up hope. You can do this!
Love, Anna
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bothwell, Ontario
Posts: 17
Hi Anne,
Im not an Alcoholic but I really just wanted to send you a word of encouragement, I have the same struggles with food and I find the two things very similar. I cannot pick up a box of cookies without eating the whole box so I cant have cookies and the same with many other unhealthy foods. So I watch my family and friends without weight issues eating normal well balanced foods and also pigging out once in a while and not going overboard with it. Of course it makes me wonder why cant I figure out how to be like them, open the cookie box or a bag of chips take a few and walk away, but I cant!!! I have a disease much like alcoholism because my A cant pick up a bottle and only take a sip and walk away, impossible. I can do that, I can have a couple drinks and walk away. So it is very frustrating no matter what your disease is when you figure out you dont have control over your substance and probably never will. Im not sure anything I've said is encouraging, I just hope the encouraging part is knowing that you ARE NOT alone with your thoughts and feelings. So all I can say is keep working your program and keep your head up. ONE DAY AT A TIME.
DAWN
Im not an Alcoholic but I really just wanted to send you a word of encouragement, I have the same struggles with food and I find the two things very similar. I cannot pick up a box of cookies without eating the whole box so I cant have cookies and the same with many other unhealthy foods. So I watch my family and friends without weight issues eating normal well balanced foods and also pigging out once in a while and not going overboard with it. Of course it makes me wonder why cant I figure out how to be like them, open the cookie box or a bag of chips take a few and walk away, but I cant!!! I have a disease much like alcoholism because my A cant pick up a bottle and only take a sip and walk away, impossible. I can do that, I can have a couple drinks and walk away. So it is very frustrating no matter what your disease is when you figure out you dont have control over your substance and probably never will. Im not sure anything I've said is encouraging, I just hope the encouraging part is knowing that you ARE NOT alone with your thoughts and feelings. So all I can say is keep working your program and keep your head up. ONE DAY AT A TIME.
DAWN
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Thanks you guys. It does help to know I'm not alone. I just feel so awful.
Sigh.
I appreciate your words of encouragement, Anna and Dawn... I really, really need them right now. Thank you.
--anne
Sigh.
I appreciate your words of encouragement, Anna and Dawn... I really, really need them right now. Thank you.
--anne
Connie
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 83
For what it's worth, stop struggling, be realistic, but kind to yourself, and get to a meeting. Be proud of yourself for asking for help, don't apologize. That's a big step for most. I've haven't been at this long, but I suspect the rewards will far outweigh the struggle. Good for you for wanting to do this for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Hi Anne,
The cycle is nasty. You're well aware of that, this much is obvious.
I don't know if it's like this for you as well, but it became harder and harder for me to move on after a relapse, the last few years I was drinking. I would lose the ability to forgive my latest misadventure in increments.
And I think that was a function of the denial about my condition I still harbored and hung on to tenaciously.
On one hand, I could plainly see that the progressive nature of addiction was well at work in me. On the other hand, I desperately wanted to retain the illusion that I could control myself with alcohol, even in the face of my track record with other substances.
So forgiving myself for a relapse became practically impossible.
It was unpleasant emotionaly. And I'm an addict. So I decided to avoid yet another unpleasant emotion, by doing what some addicts do. I decided to not feel bad about a relapse by eliminating the need to do so. Continuous drinking solved the problem.
What I'm trying to say is that forgiving myself for a relapse didn't work for me.
It wasn't until I forgave myself for being an addict and an alcoholic that I stood a chance to taste recovery, and by extension, freedom and happiness.
So you need to forgive yourself for feeling unhappy. You're sober and struggling. That's normal and expected.
Just don't stop looking for sobriety.
Something else I have done is that I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven myself for being an addict. I have forgiven myself for all the damage I did to my life, to my physical health, and to my career and finances. But most of all, I have forgiven myself for all of the horrible, negative and unloving things I have felt about myself. It was not until I offered and accepted my own forgiveness, that I was truly able to grow in my sobriety.~~~From the book Hope, Faith and Courage.
The cycle is nasty. You're well aware of that, this much is obvious.
I don't know if it's like this for you as well, but it became harder and harder for me to move on after a relapse, the last few years I was drinking. I would lose the ability to forgive my latest misadventure in increments.
And I think that was a function of the denial about my condition I still harbored and hung on to tenaciously.
On one hand, I could plainly see that the progressive nature of addiction was well at work in me. On the other hand, I desperately wanted to retain the illusion that I could control myself with alcohol, even in the face of my track record with other substances.
So forgiving myself for a relapse became practically impossible.
It was unpleasant emotionaly. And I'm an addict. So I decided to avoid yet another unpleasant emotion, by doing what some addicts do. I decided to not feel bad about a relapse by eliminating the need to do so. Continuous drinking solved the problem.
What I'm trying to say is that forgiving myself for a relapse didn't work for me.
It wasn't until I forgave myself for being an addict and an alcoholic that I stood a chance to taste recovery, and by extension, freedom and happiness.
So you need to forgive yourself for feeling unhappy. You're sober and struggling. That's normal and expected.
Just don't stop looking for sobriety.
Something else I have done is that I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven myself for being an addict. I have forgiven myself for all the damage I did to my life, to my physical health, and to my career and finances. But most of all, I have forgiven myself for all of the horrible, negative and unloving things I have felt about myself. It was not until I offered and accepted my own forgiveness, that I was truly able to grow in my sobriety.~~~From the book Hope, Faith and Courage.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Dubh Linn - Ireland
Posts: 455
Originally Posted by Connie
For what it's worth, stop struggling, be realistic, but kind to yourself, and get to a meeting. Be proud of yourself for asking for help, don't apologize. That's a big step for most. I've haven't been at this long, but I suspect the rewards will far outweigh the struggle. Good for you for wanting to do this for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Anne-- Yup, all those poisonous feelings of shame, giult, blame, self-loathing... I know them well. I think Dan is right on (as usual Dan 
), when he says that maybe it's time to forgive yourself for being an alcoholic / addict. I didn't say one day as a child: I want to grow up and be an addict and wreck my life and hurt the ones I love. Nope. No way. But that's exactly what happened.
For me, Anne, there is hope in recovery. Recovery means being in the solution instead of the problem. Easy words, hard actions, I know. But the perspective shift is awesome. Have you tried AA? I used to resist the 12 steps until I got desperate enough to see that they worked for millions of people, why not me? Why not me indeed? So now I go to meetings, work the steps with a sponsor, etc. And you know what? I am still feeling depressed, I still have to deal with the wreckage of my addiction, but now there is hope. Hope of a better life, of feeling better, of living a life of purpose and meaning. So, yup, I am being honest, open and willing for the first time and for the first time I am getting better. I was and am sick. There is healing in recovery-- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but it is there. May you find it now.
hugs,
jojo
), when he says that maybe it's time to forgive yourself for being an alcoholic / addict. I didn't say one day as a child: I want to grow up and be an addict and wreck my life and hurt the ones I love. Nope. No way. But that's exactly what happened.For me, Anne, there is hope in recovery. Recovery means being in the solution instead of the problem. Easy words, hard actions, I know. But the perspective shift is awesome. Have you tried AA? I used to resist the 12 steps until I got desperate enough to see that they worked for millions of people, why not me? Why not me indeed? So now I go to meetings, work the steps with a sponsor, etc. And you know what? I am still feeling depressed, I still have to deal with the wreckage of my addiction, but now there is hope. Hope of a better life, of feeling better, of living a life of purpose and meaning. So, yup, I am being honest, open and willing for the first time and for the first time I am getting better. I was and am sick. There is healing in recovery-- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but it is there. May you find it now.
hugs,
jojo
new life
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: cypress tx
Posts: 247
Hello Anne.
The quote "because I cannot drink like others can" use to haunt me, however
just recently stopped in to visit my ole "moderate" drinking pals (I'm the only one of this group to take this path ) they may respect my decision, but its not the same hanging out. They are still like I use to be; one episode away from losing / jobs, drivers license, freedom, relationships, etc., and when they are not at the ice house or in jail, they are at home getting ripped. They are a good therapy session for me,I'm 25days clear , now I can stand being around myself again! Anne, fight the good fight, getting group support helps alot of people. Dont leave, your not alone, stick with us!
God bless
mikee
The quote "because I cannot drink like others can" use to haunt me, however
just recently stopped in to visit my ole "moderate" drinking pals (I'm the only one of this group to take this path ) they may respect my decision, but its not the same hanging out. They are still like I use to be; one episode away from losing / jobs, drivers license, freedom, relationships, etc., and when they are not at the ice house or in jail, they are at home getting ripped. They are a good therapy session for me,I'm 25days clear , now I can stand being around myself again! Anne, fight the good fight, getting group support helps alot of people. Dont leave, your not alone, stick with us!
God bless
mikee
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
You said it yourself. "I haven't fully surrendered". Your recovery can't begin until you surrender to your alcoholism. Surrender, forgive yourself and begin to recover. When I think back on my past mistakes, caused from my drinking, it makes me stronger. I will not go back to that way of life. My ugly memories are part of my recovery. I intend to live by example. That's all I can do really. I can't change the past. I can only avoid repeating the same mistakes over again. Live by example and hope others notice. Find strength and keep coming back. Don't apoligize, what a wonderful opportunity we have to share our fears with one another. You are worth the struggle and the struggle is well worth the fight. Never give up.
LeAnne
LeAnne
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
I want to say thank you again to all of you... thank you so much for the empathy and the time you've taken to help me understand that I'm not alone. I have a long journey ahead of me... so it's good to know I'm not alone.
Thank you.
--anne
Thank you.
--anne
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Life Is Short
Posts: 2,017
Hi (((Anne))), sorry I'm late on welcoming you to SR....so a big welcome coming your way.
Nope you're not alone in this ugly thing we have. You've got some great advice, isn't the gang here the best?
You got it girl, all of us have a long journey ahead, and oh man the freedom that's to come, finally get this monkey off our backs once and for all, I know I'm more then sick of it, so tired of trying to understand the darn thing, the wondering WHY, all the rest, so like they've said we surrender to this buggar, move on, learn to LIVE.
Take care of yourself Anne, all we can do. So many are walking this journey with us, all different stages, and it's a huge lift seeing it can be done, it's being done right now, the days all adding up....pretty wonderful isn't it? The teachers here are amazing, we've been blessed finding the huge Heart :heart: in SR.
's Anne.....love Denise
Nope you're not alone in this ugly thing we have. You've got some great advice, isn't the gang here the best?
You got it girl, all of us have a long journey ahead, and oh man the freedom that's to come, finally get this monkey off our backs once and for all, I know I'm more then sick of it, so tired of trying to understand the darn thing, the wondering WHY, all the rest, so like they've said we surrender to this buggar, move on, learn to LIVE.
Take care of yourself Anne, all we can do. So many are walking this journey with us, all different stages, and it's a huge lift seeing it can be done, it's being done right now, the days all adding up....pretty wonderful isn't it? The teachers here are amazing, we've been blessed finding the huge Heart :heart: in SR.
's Anne.....love Denise
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hi there Q :-)
Sorry I'm so late to this thread, been sick and dealing with chaos over here. I'm praying for you. Have you been to meetings? Do you have a sponsor?
(((Q)))
Mike :-)
Sorry I'm so late to this thread, been sick and dealing with chaos over here. I'm praying for you. Have you been to meetings? Do you have a sponsor?
(((Q)))
Mike :-)
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Originally Posted by Connie
For what it's worth, stop struggling, be realistic, but kind to yourself, and get to a meeting. Be proud of yourself for asking for help, don't apologize.
Anne,
Another late welcome! Connie is so right about this. Having the courage to ask for help and having the courage to do something about your problem is a big thing and really is something to be proud of.
Jah Bless
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Dubh Linn - Ireland
Posts: 455
Morning Anne,
Today I am just about hanging in there but I am (Day 8)!!!! Just one day at a time, with the wonderful support of SR and meetings too - it all mounts up, so keep it up as you are on the pathway to freedom!!! That in itself is a little precious miracle for the day!
Luvs and Recovery.....Ama
Today I am just about hanging in there but I am (Day 8)!!!! Just one day at a time, with the wonderful support of SR and meetings too - it all mounts up, so keep it up as you are on the pathway to freedom!!! That in itself is a little precious miracle for the day!
Luvs and Recovery.....Ama
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