JessicaNAJ

My AH hasn’t had a drink in 4 weeks. He seems to have his life under control. I seem to be creating my own chaos especially when dealing with him. I can’t talk to him on the phone without feeling my blood pressure going up, and he’s not even doing anything to cause this. I wish for him to drink just so I have a legitimate reason to be getting worked up. He’s not letting me “get” to him, that pisses me off. Why is he allowed to be happy and I can’t? He tries to help out, that pisses me off. He doesn’t help out, that pisses me off. He probably thinks, "I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t." And I don’t blame him. He opens his mouth, that pisses me off…

I feel like I am out of control. I ask him if he hates me (I would). He said he’s basically letting it role off his shoulder. Why is this so easy for him????

I know – keep the focus on me. I’m trying, I really am. I think I’m loosing it. I told him last night that I don’t even know how to have fun anymore. Everything has to be a problem.

I could use a little guidance…. My appointment with my counselor is not until next week.

Magichappens

Jessica,
If you feel bad, own it. It is ok not to feel good all the time. When I am struggling, it's easy to look around and resent others for not feeling the strain and weight that I am feeling. By learning to allow myself to have hard times, and working to find better ways to get through them, I have learned that "This too shall pass."

You are struggling right now. If you can believe that this struggle will ease, and that you will find some peace and clarity soon, you may find it easier to allow yourself to just be, and not try to find someone to lay it on. Realize that everyone goes through this, just not all at the same time. That is actually a good thing, because if we all felt down at the same time, who would be there to support us?

This feeling won't last forever. Try to get through it in as healthy a way as you are able. Try to realize that you have a right to feel out of control, and that it's not a bad thing. In fact, it is a growing thing. Hugs, Magic

Cadence57

****{JessicaNAJ}}}
I agree with Magic... It seems that the times when we feel the most out of control and anxious, are the times when we are experiencing new things and growth. All of that anger that you feel needs to be examined in order to understand it and learn from it.

Karivan

(((Jessica))) Have you tried writing down your feelings in a journal? That really helps me to get it off my chest. Just start writing... no one else is going to read it.

Lorelai

(((Jessica)))
A while back, my H decided to "cut down" on drinking. I was terrified. I had so much resentment built up from everything that happened and now I was expected to be happy and cheerful and praise him just because he decided not to be wasted every day. I didn't have any reason to be pissed off anymore so it was my fault that I was.

It wasn't my fault. It's not your fault. After everything that has happened in our lives, we have every right to have an adjustment period. I was afraid to jump back into a relationship with him - knowing that I would probably just get my heart broken again. It was a logical response of self protection.

Give yourself permission to just see how it goes. You can set your own boundaries with this too. It's great that he stopped drinking but that doesn't mean that you have to drop everything and go back to "normal" right away.

You deserve however much time you need. You can decide if and when. If you take that pressure off of yourself, you may find some peace.
Hugs - L

sweetr72

Boy oh boy can I relate!! My A has been sober for just about 6 weeks now and these feelings arent yours alone. This is the same struggle I have had since the day he put the bottle down.

We struggle because we are used to the chaos we are used to fighting and taking care of our A and picking up the pieces after a binge. Now the chaos is gone? Most would think arent you glad the chaos is gone? Well of course we are glad but we dont know how to deal with this new person and we are angry because they can just deal with things fine all of the sudden and we cant. I have taken care and hidden my A from embarrassment for so long that now who is taking care of me emotionally? Resentment is the word of the month for me and I struggle with it everyday. I try to read my literature from Alanon and get to my meetings. I know what the ppl at Alanon is right and true but doing what I should be and working MY program is hard when you have focused on someone else for so long.

So with all that said, the key is to focus on YOU and YOUR program because it really is the ONLY way. Live and let live and try to get to an Alanon meeting this week if possible just to have the support and understanding you truly crave and desire it helps to know that you are not alone and you dont have to keep things pent up for the next week. I am grateful to have found alanon and this site, it keeps me sane and Im not sure I would be without them.

Keep your head up!!
Dawn

Shel

my A is still drinking and I am dealing with the same things...even when I talk to him on the phone I am not as nice as I should be, but the resentment is what gets me...he has doen so much and overly embarassed me and the way I think is WHY should I just let it go? to me that means he is "getting away with it" when I know in reality it wasn't HIM that intended to hurt me....but HE did!? Like now he FINALLY got a job so my kids are going back to daycare and I dread paying that bilol every week just because I wonder how long it will last ...don't get me wrong my kids will be MUCH better off in daycare but when he quits or loses this job I will once agiain be supporting him and that really bothers me...I know I know "live for TODAY" but I can't help but think about the future with Christmas etc coming up.......

take care and thanks for the post!

ASpouse

Sounds like he's working on his recovery just fine, it's you who is not working on yours.

ASpouse

Jessica, do you realize that how you feel is completely normal? Now you have to get past this and stop trying to manipulate your H with your anger.

If he works the program and depending on how he finishes his step work, when he is on Step 9 is when you should receive an apology for his behavior. Could be a year from now, could be less.

JessicaNAJ

I guess he is working on his recovery just fine - he's got time to work on it - he's always had plenty of time to do what he wants to do. Me on the other hand, I don't have time to use the bathroom much less work on anything for me.

I don't want to yell at him, I don't want this frustration inside me. But I can't seem to stop it. I'm overwhelmed at work, I'm overwhelmed at home, and I'm overwhelmed in my mind. I want to go home and lock my bedroom door and crawl in bed and cry.

JessicaNAJ

and then he throughs things in my face, like you want to end our marriage, you want to cut all ties, blah blah blah - I'm not saying any of them things. I'm just trying to get through my day without freaking out.

Maybe I am better off without him in my life.

ASpouse

I think Jessica that you are saying these things to him by your behavior. The situation you describe was the same way with me. I was always busy, I never had time, yada, yada, yada!

I prioritized my things, if I needed help with things I asked him "nicely" for help. You are doing the woe is me dance, and it is unbecoming. Stand tall and be proud of you. Look at your plate, and things you don't need to do, don't do them. They will get done eventually.

Make time for yourself, one thing you must do in your recovery.

ASpouse

I don't think he has his life under control at all. It sounds as if he is working very hard at recovery and concentrating on himself and not drinking. Now you have to work on yourself and your recovery. Unfortunately, you can have as many temper tantrums as you want, but this recovery doesn't work that way!

JessicaNAJ

I know I am, I can hear myself doing it. I hate feeling sorry for myself. Now I'M doing the blah blah blah.....

oh....woe is me - you know, that actually helped me. Thank you.

You know how in the movies when a person is freaking out - they get slapped in the face to kinda put them back in reality. I get that here sometimes, it's great!!

I'm letting myself become overwhelmed and I need to stop, breathe, slow down, don't look into the future and take things one day at a time.

ASpouse

Good Girl! Now one little baby step forward.

JessicaNAJ

Thank you for getting me back on track - I can do it....lol and I'll be okay.

ASpouse

I know you will. Pick one thing of the many things you have to change and work on that. Be easy with yourself, Rome wasn't built in a day after all.

Shel

YES YOU WILL....we ALL will!

cwohio

jessica - thanks for this thread - good reminder that all of us may feel overwhelmed - i don't even want to go to a bedroom sometimes - a hole would be much better! lol

the slap in the face analogy was a good one - good luck and hugs to you!

Dee at Mt Bully

Jessica--Just because he isn't drinking at the moment does'nt mean he is well or that he is in touch with his feelings. Of course your angry how long have you lived with all
this mess. My AH has not been drinking for about 7 weeks oops one relapse but the
point is he thinks he is just fine now and I'm the problem. He does not believe he needs
any rehab program or counseling he thinks he can just quit drinking and all is well
with the world. I certainly don't feel like everything is fine. He is completely closed off
from his emotions. He covered them all with alcohol and now he has no idea what to
do--so he just stuffs them and he thinks he is fine. Truth be known I think he's a powder keg waiting to explode. Any way my point is that I totally understand your
feelings and I sympathize with you. There is lots of good advice here at this sight.
I'll say a prayer to my HP for both of us.---Smiles Dee