Marsalie

I've lurked here off and on for years, never posting because every time I thought about it, I'd just be back to drinking before I acted on it.

Today is day 2 for me and this time it actually does feel different. I think it's the first time I really do believe that moderating is not and will never work for me. I've been actively trying it for (have to stop and think about it) ..wow, 10 years.

I've always been a drinker, since my early teens. As my problem progressed, I ended up a daily drinker, too scared to even try taking a day off because I was convinced I'd have DTs. Finally found out that doesn't seem to happen to me (yet) about two years ago, and still haven't managed to stay sober more than 8 days in a row. I keep approaching it from the idea I can moderate. Just the weekends. How will I ever be able to live without drinking in this instance, having a few in that situation, wine and cheese, blah blah blah.

Well, I'm going to have to figure my **** out because every time I think I can control it, I go another several months without even taking a day off.

I've gotten myself, my life into a decent sized mess, though not nearly as far as I could go if I keep this up. I'm currently in a town I intensely dislike, completely isolated from family, and haven't really had friends in years. I'm happiest parked in front of my computer with a 5th of vodka and that tends to make friends just fall away. I figured a geographical cure would help and so I started to travel for work. Um, yeah. Nope. And now, I am essentially stuck here for the next two years.

I just had to quit a very high profile, high paying job because the truth of the matter is that my slow processing, alcohol addled brain could not handle the work. I sat on my ass there, miserable, pretending to be busy, for two months then just couldn't deal. I quit. I knew it was only going to get harder, with more tasks and obstacles I couldn't face or deal with and so I ran away. I'm honestly relieved. It was exactly the same type of job I'd had before I left my home town and I knew I was going to hate it from the start. I'm really great at making impulsive decisions that fix some immediate problem and then create bigger, lasting problems.

I've been given a second chance though. I've already got another job, start a week from Monday. It's a chance to do something completely different within my field. I have to make a two year commitment. That's terrifying because what I really want to do is pack my car and move home to my mom and grown sons. Unfortunately, I've burned enough bridges back there that I don't think I can find work at all.

I am essentially just sitting here rambling. I've been reading here for most of my waking hours since yesterday around 2. As much as I dislike the idea of AA, I'm going. I am so profoundly lonely, I'm willing to try it just to have a chance to relieve that.

I keep reading on here how happy so many of you are to be sober and I want to see what that feels like. I want my brain back. I'm a very intelligent person and I hate feeling so foggy and dumb. I hate having someone tell me something and being unable to really process what they just said. Mostly, I know that while I drink only in my time off from work, I used to not drink every day. I used to, years ago, not drink every weekend. How long until I am the person bringing vodka to work? How long until I turn yellow? Die? I just want my life back. So I'm going to stay sober today. And hopefully tomorrow.

I know I need a plan. I'm working on that. Starting small and simple for now. Going to stick close to here, work up the guts to get into an AA meeting, not drink, and be nice to myself. I've got 9 days off until my job starts and I've got some stuff I need to do. I'm doing that, eating nice and nourishing food, and getting lots of sleep.

Thanks for reading the somewhat incoherent ramble. I'm hoping to get in here and post at least daily, and continue to read my eyeballs off. Love and courage to all of us struggling. It's not fair, is it?

DarklingSong

Welcome to SR. Most of us have been down the same road with 'moderation'.........its a thankless miserable cycle for sure. Congratulations on Day 2. It will get easier.

WeThinkNot

Hi Marsalie,

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote in your post. For years I had wanted to quit but I didn't see the point. My wife had left me, many childhood friends finally wrote me out of their lives, I was miserable with my career and life. Even though drinking wasn't making me happy anymore (it never did really but I had fooled myself) I didn't see how I could possibly be happy without it. At the very least it was a numbing agent although because of my sky high tolerance I needed more and more of it.

When I first started going to AA I was actually depressed by what I saw. There were many people in the rooms who were objectively in a worse place than I was. I met people whose kids didn't speak to them, had filed for bankruptcy, spent time in jail, and so forth. Yet they were sober and happy. It infuriated me because their lows were lower than my lows but they seemed to be happy and content.

In two days I will have 21 months of sobriety after finally being disciplined in working a program. It may sound hokey or cheesy but I will say this...I've finally learned to love myself. That was the key. No matter what situations life throws my way I have comfort in the fact that the guy I see every morning brushing his teeth loves me and is going to do right by me.

I wish you much luck on your journey.

travelbug

I too did nt want to get sober after years and years of drinking. I too was drinking daily, would start around 2:30pm and continued until 10pm. I too used to not drink daily, It used to be Fridays & Saturday nights. It always goes further the longer you do it. Eventually you won't be able to get drunk because you have built up a immune to it. It will enveually kill you. I saw the writing on the wall. I am 40 lbs over weight, 61 yrs old. I don't want to die. I want to be around to see my grandchildren, it and when they ever come along, I want to see the USA, I want to live to see retirement. If I continue to drink, it won't happen. You should read This Naked Mind. It will open your eyes to what you are putting into your body. You have to want to be sober more than you do the drink. I want to live. Be strong. Life is Good.

Marsalie

Yep, the tolerance thing is pretty crazy. I'm already at the point that it takes a shocking (to me at least) amount of booze to get to that ..spot. Thursday night it was a full fifth of vodka, until nearly six in the morning. I spent nearly the whole day in bed yesterday. Then slept almost twelve hours last night.

Today I am fuzzy brained, but not in the agony I was yesterday. My hands aren't shaking whenever I try to pick something up. I'm going to head out here in a few minutes to get some fresh air and maybe some food. Just had a memory of how I ruined cruise vacations by drinking so much on them I literally couldn't eat any of the yummy food available. Ironically, I'm about 100 lbs overweight now. I have a HUGE stomach. I'm going to be working on that too, because it's not who I am.

Thanks for the replies! I am going to keep checking back and posting. Immediately after I posted, a thought about maybe drinking tonight drifted through my brain. Nope. Like another thread I read on here..NOT TODAY SATAN.

Accord1

Your story is very similar to mine, like many on this site. Especially the brain fog part. I’m a carpenter, and there is actually a lot of thinking involved. One mistake can cause a lot of problems and cost a lot of money. I got to the point where I literally couldn’t think clearly at all anymore. I would sit there and stare at something thinking of the right thing to do to no avail. This is after twenty years of doing it. I had to take a two month break to get sober, and the problem went away. I actually look forward to going to work now, like when I was younger. All of the other unpleasant things are now gone too; anxiety, being overweight.. I could go on and on. Things will get better as time passes. You can do it. Take your life back!! Obviously wasn’t easy but the best thing I ever did.

noaddedsugar

Welcome to the posting side of things!

Think many of us can relate to the brain fog. It's crazy the damage we do to our brains with alcohol abuse. I used to be a genius at math.. now I can barely do simple sums without a calculator. My memory is shot also. I've lost count of the amount of times I think I'm going to do something and then remember I didn't do it hours later. Nowhere near as bad as it was when I was drinking though. I used to get so frustrated at myself and my job performance was really suffering. I'm hoping with abstinence my mind starts to heal.

Congrats on the new job. It's great that you've got a second chance and I hope it works out for you

Hemispheres

Marsalie

Great post heading, Im same here my friend, would of written the same if i could , Bless Ya x
alot of what you have said sounds very much like me and prob many others on here. 30 years ago i picked up my 1st can of kestral super and on the 5th Feb this year ( detox ), 30 years later im putting my last one down forever , theres` only us on here no what we are going through, its very hard has this very addiction drags us all down. Ive just woken up and my wife has gone out and no idea where she has gone. Im shacking has no drink left in the house. im withdrawing has last drink 10am today. I hate drink but need it.

Hemispheres

just had another read your post Marsalie

over my 30 year addiction , ive tried all sorts, weekends only ( b4 were im now ), im afraid with addictions we have its all or nothing,.we have lost the right to even 1 drink...!!! and when we only live once thats very hard to accept. 1 life and no drink again, But were does that one drink take us? Ive all inclusive holidays aready booked for this year, TBH i dont want to go. I did 56 days sober in 2006 and it was Brilliant , so we can do it??? , It the staying off it thats the hardest thing.

Hevyn

Marsalie - it's wonderful to have you join us. You're never alone.

Like Hemispheres, I drank 30 yrs. It was very difficult for me to admit I could never touch alcohol - and it took me a very long time to get free. I was drinking around the clock in the end - completely dependent on it. A ridiculous way to live. It's no longer fun or relaxing - it just brings us misery. I'm so glad you've decided to reclaim your life. You can do it.

Marsalie

Accord...more than anything that's what I want. I want my life back. I want A life. The new job is one that there is no way I can continue to drink and maintain. Just not even an option.

Hemispheres, I've been thinking about things like vacations. It's nearly impossible to wrap my head around doing something like that without drinking. So, for now, I'm just not going to think about it. I have gotten myself into such a mess with credit cards I'm not likely to be in that position for a good long while anyway. For now I'm going to try to focus on what's in front of my nose.

I remember I kind of went through the same thing when I quit smoking. The thought of never having another cigarette was unimaginable. Here I am six years later and they rarely even cross my mind. Wonder if that'll ever happen with booze.

I'm just trying to have faith that it's going to get better. You know, I don't believe I've gone more than two weeks without drinking since I was pregnant with my youngest son. He's 23. Going for it.

Going to AA at 8 tonight. Not sure how I'll feel about it, but nothing to lose.

Marsalie

OMG this. I can't be trusted to remember something for two minutes sometimes. That was the problem with the job I quit. I'd have a big task ahead of me like hiring an entire staff (business wasn't quite open yet) and training them and it just seemed like something there was no way I could do. I was having trouble talking in meetings without sounding like a complete idiot. A numb, disengaged zombie.

Dee74

Welcome aboard Marsalie

D

Torii

Welcome! Much of your post resonates with me. The idea of not drinking again sounds so big. I'm on day two also, and am also a good 100lbs overweight, 60lbs gained in the last three years.

Sounds like he you've got a good mindset, looking forward to getting sober with you. There's a January class of 2019 thread here, where others who quit this month chat for support, might see you there

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Marsalie!! . . . You can do this!!

Marsalie

Thanks everyone!

Torii, let's hang in there. Right now I'm basically letting myself eat whatever I want because the booze is the priority. I'm going to be fixing that soon too though, once I feel like I'm a little more stable.

Well, despite nearly talking myself out of it about 42 times today, I went to an AA meeting. Not sure how I felt about all of it, but it sure was good for me to get some of this off my chest when we broke into smaller groups. I hate crying in public, but I needed to. Going again tomorrow.

D122y

Mars,

Great that you want to quit.

I had to really want to quit because quitting hurt like nothing I have ever experienced.

I am learning to live life all over.

I am like a baby at times.

But, it is kind of fun.

Glad I am clean. My confidence is unprecedented.

If you can make it past 1 day, you can make it for life.

Booze is poison. Not only will it kill us physically, it also causes brain damage that eventually leads to insanity.

Get well.

Thanks.

FeelingGreat

Hi Mars, I was in a similar place to you coming up for 7 years ago and I am so much better off now than when I was drinking.

I'm not even talking about employment or friends and family. It's the feeling within myself that's changed. I have my self-respect back and I don't have to worry about how drinking is affecting my health and mental capabilities. It's a burden off my shoulders.

Your first post seems to mirror how I felt when I finally stopped drinking for good. Somehow I knew I was going to succeed this time. There are a few tricks to help though, like not allowing yourself to get too hungry or thirsty or tired.

Your body and brain have been turning to alcohol for relief for a long time, but, just like smoking, that craving will disappear in time. I rarely think about drinking these days.

Good luck.

August252015

Glad you are here, glad you went to a meeting and are going back, and glad you shared. I too can relate to a whole lot of what you said. The simplest truth I can tell you is that I decided I didn't want to die. And then I started the path to a real life- better than I had before the drinking took over, and by many accounts that life was great.

Stay with us, and I'd venture to advise giving AA a chance. In the rooms, we give suggestions on what works for us- here, we can be a little more direct

Marsalie

Day 3. I feel marginally better than yesterday, but just..twitchy? Jumpy?

I have developed this really bad habit of waking up, then laying in bed for an additional two hours if there's no consequence to not getting up like being late for work. I waste a lot of time like that. But I don't have a lot in my life these days to fill the time anyway.

That is something I really need to work on as part of my plan to stay sober. I need a freakin hobby. I have a tendency to get consumed by things I'm interested in, but I just can't seem to think of anything I'm interested in anymore. Gee, wonder how that happened?

One thing I am going to do is see if I can pick up a very part time waitressing job. I'm not doing anything with my evenings and weekends anyway, so it would fill the time and give me a little extra money to throw at my credit cards. That's a situation that consumes my brain almost constantly, though weirdly enough it's taken a bit of a back seat since I decided to get sober. I think that's the top priority right now. But me getting sober is not going to make that problem magically go away and it's a big part of what I need to fix in my life.

I'm going to grab some lunch, go to a meeting at 2, and not drink today. Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. So many things being said really hit home.