can't come to terms
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 3
can't come to terms
Hi all,
Just looking for a little advice on how to come to terms with where my life is. Alcohol has led me somewhere I never thought I could go. Let me start by saying "I had it all." A beautiful family, loving husband, 2 homes, a professional degree, etc. In the past year I got a DUI, detox, jail, and currently in a court ordered recovery program, separated from family.
I am sober, following all rules, but feel this is all my fault. I should have been able to control this.
Who could possibly be so dumb to mess up a perfectly good life?
Recovery with the guilt and shame is hard enough, yet being compounded by tons of legal stuff
Just looking for a little advice on how to come to terms with where my life is. Alcohol has led me somewhere I never thought I could go. Let me start by saying "I had it all." A beautiful family, loving husband, 2 homes, a professional degree, etc. In the past year I got a DUI, detox, jail, and currently in a court ordered recovery program, separated from family.
I am sober, following all rules, but feel this is all my fault. I should have been able to control this.
Who could possibly be so dumb to mess up a perfectly good life?
Recovery with the guilt and shame is hard enough, yet being compounded by tons of legal stuff
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: New England
Posts: 1,224
Welcome to SR exgirlnextdoor. Read around here and get familiar. You'll find most of us have allowed alcohol or addiction to wreak havoc on our lives. Best thing to do now is make it right. That's starts with recovery.
Post here often. The experience and compassion here is second to nothing. You will certainly find someone that has been there and done that. We are all here to heal, and to help others to heal. Sobriety IS possible, just takes work.
Glad you are here.
Post here often. The experience and compassion here is second to nothing. You will certainly find someone that has been there and done that. We are all here to heal, and to help others to heal. Sobriety IS possible, just takes work.
Glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Originally Posted by exgirlnextdoor 
Hi all,
Just looking for a little advice on how to come to terms with where my life is. Alcohol has led me somewhere I never thought I could go. Let me start by saying "I had it all." A beautiful family, loving husband, 2 homes, a professional degree, etc. In the past year I got a DUI, detox, jail, and currently in a court ordered recovery program, separated from family.
I am sober, following all rules, but feel this is all my fault. I should have been able to control this.
Who could possibly be so dumb to mess up a perfectly good life?
Recovery with the guilt and shame is hard enough, yet being compounded by tons of legal stuff
Just looking for a little advice on how to come to terms with where my life is. Alcohol has led me somewhere I never thought I could go. Let me start by saying "I had it all." A beautiful family, loving husband, 2 homes, a professional degree, etc. In the past year I got a DUI, detox, jail, and currently in a court ordered recovery program, separated from family.
I am sober, following all rules, but feel this is all my fault. I should have been able to control this.
Who could possibly be so dumb to mess up a perfectly good life?
Recovery with the guilt and shame is hard enough, yet being compounded by tons of legal stuff
I messed up a wonderful life. More than once. I was a slow learner that alcohol was the cause.
But, as the disease progressed there was no more left and I had to face the fact; alcohol was killing me.
I drank for forty years, so I hope you can imagine how much I screwed up my life. A lot.
You're not alone. Best to you.
I'm glad you joined us. I hope our support can help you achieve lasting sobriety. No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
The question isn't how could I have messed things up. That's easy. Although there might have been other factors, you basically screwed up by drinking far too much and far too often.
The real question is how can I make sure that these things don't ever happen again? The easy answer is don't ever drink again. The only good the guilt and shame do is to remind you what happens and to stay quit....and I'm not even sure that works very well.
Acknowledge that you have a problem with alcohol that you can't control and never will be able to control, moderate drinking will never be an option. Then make a commitment that whatever happens, you will not drink. There is never a good reason to drink.
Once you have a clear head, it's far easier to clean up messes from the past.
The real question is how can I make sure that these things don't ever happen again? The easy answer is don't ever drink again. The only good the guilt and shame do is to remind you what happens and to stay quit....and I'm not even sure that works very well.
Acknowledge that you have a problem with alcohol that you can't control and never will be able to control, moderate drinking will never be an option. Then make a commitment that whatever happens, you will not drink. There is never a good reason to drink.
Once you have a clear head, it's far easier to clean up messes from the past.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Hi and welcome exgirlnextdoor 
Most of us made crazy choices, so you're in good company. The best part of he story is the recovery anyway - you'll find a lot of help support and hope here
D
Most of us made crazy choices, so you're in good company. The best part of he story is the recovery anyway - you'll find a lot of help support and hope here
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
There is a whole range of people here at SR who have lost out to alcohol on many different levels.
Right now there are things that are out of your control, and you have to accept those; while other things like not drinking any more and cleaning up the mess are within your purview.
SR is a wonderful place to express how you are feeling with new sobriety and coping with everything else.
Right now there are things that are out of your control, and you have to accept those; while other things like not drinking any more and cleaning up the mess are within your purview.
SR is a wonderful place to express how you are feeling with new sobriety and coping with everything else.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
oh boy and hi girlnextdoor. Believe it or not, you aren't the first not the last to be in your position. Like the rest of us, you must buckle up and get serious about getting back to real life. difficult, but can (and will) be done. I wish you the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 3
Thank you all for the encouraging words...It truly is a cunning, baffling, and progressive disease...P.S. Never drank in High School or college...Just in midlife...Also found myself in kidney and liver failure after a lifetime of healthy living and long distance biking...I guess genetics played a BIG part and my inability to clearly recognize..
Back to good health after 3 months sober...Just emotionally drained...One more court battle...Hopefully with no more consequences...I need time to just heal and recover...AA has been most helpful
Back to good health after 3 months sober...Just emotionally drained...One more court battle...Hopefully with no more consequences...I need time to just heal and recover...AA has been most helpful
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: GA
Posts: 700
Glad you are here! We are lucky that the liver is such an amazing organ!!! Happy your body is healing. I drank for 4 more years after I totalled my car and got a DUI. I am glad yours has shaken you into reality. I still have guilt over the things I lost due to my addictions. But I never intended to abuse alcohol, become physically addicted to it and do things I never thought I'd do. Thankfully we can make things right by being our best each day. By showing kindness and patience to those in situations we don't understand or can't relate to. We have a new opportunity each day to make the world brighter instead of hiding in the darkness we became accustomed to. Wishing you much happiness and continued sobriety in your journey! Time does heal.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
Welcome, you are not alone although it must feel that way right now. You alone have to take the correct actions but we will all be here to support you every step. I am with you in the hope as the alcohol took so much from us, life without alcohol we will gain so much back maybe even a better life. Take responsibility without beating yourself up, eyes forward.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 446
Originally Posted by MindfulMan
The question isn't how could I have messed things up. That's easy. Although there might have been other factors, you basically screwed up by drinking far too much and far too often.
The real question is how can I make sure that these things don't ever happen again? The easy answer is don't ever drink again. The only good the guilt and shame do is to remind you what happens and to stay quit....and I'm not even sure that works very well.
Acknowledge that you have a problem with alcohol that you can't control and never will be able to control, moderate drinking will never be an option. Then make a commitment that whatever happens, you will not drink. There is never a good reason to drink.
Once you have a clear head, it's far easier to clean up messes from the past.
The real question is how can I make sure that these things don't ever happen again? The easy answer is don't ever drink again. The only good the guilt and shame do is to remind you what happens and to stay quit....and I'm not even sure that works very well.
Acknowledge that you have a problem with alcohol that you can't control and never will be able to control, moderate drinking will never be an option. Then make a commitment that whatever happens, you will not drink. There is never a good reason to drink.
Once you have a clear head, it's far easier to clean up messes from the past.
For me the focus is on what I’m doing today, with a little bit of planning for the future thrown in.
Focus on the present and over time you will right your ship.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Washington State USA
Posts: 79
I haven't been here for a while but hope to be here more often in the future. Thank you for your painful and honest post. This site has been so helpful in ways that have encouraged me to keep coming back. Everyday feels new and I am slowly gaining a new purpose in my life, in no small part because of people like you all. Thank you, bless you exgirl and all. My friend recently pointed out to me that in God's hands my painful past can be one of my greatest assets.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Welcome to SR, I relate to so much of what you posted. The guilt is soul crushing. I too got a DUI this year and as a result lost my license, my car (here they take your car forever, never to be seen again, when I can get my license back I have to buy a new one), and worst and most painful of all I have had my children separated from me. They live full time with their father now and I am only allowed visitation, most often supervised by the nanny or their father. I am doing everything to move forward though and hope you can too.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
exgirl - so many of us can relate to you completely.
I felt much that same as you after my 3rd DUI, and everything came crashing down. Where I live, a 1st and 2nd DUI don't have horrible consequences, but things get pretty serious on a 3rd. A 4th is a felony. The night I got my 3rd, I knew without any doubt in my mind I would never drink again. I did all the things the court told me to. I went to treatment (actually started treatment before it was ordered, because I knew I needed help). I went to AA. I went to jail and had house arrest. I paid the money. I had an interlock device in my car for 2 and a half years.
The first couple of months I spent a whole lot of time beating myself up and feeling like absolute crap about who I was and what I had done. Like you, I could not believe I had let it get to that point. I had always been a successful, put-together person with a lot going for me. How could I have let the drinking get the upper hand? But slowly, I began to see the light of day. I began to see that I had (have) a disease, and that I needn't let my past define my future. I began to forgive myself, and I worked very hard to clean up the wreckage and apologize to the people in my life my drinking had hurt. I realized it did me no good whatsoever to wallow in misery - what was needed was action and a determination to never go down that road again. The past is the past, I can't change it or erase it.
4 years + of sobriety now, and life is good. I still have the occasional bad day of feeling horrible about the past, but I can get through it by looking at how far I've come, and how much better EVERYTHING in my life is without alcohol.
You will get there. I know it seems dark now, but I promise, IT GETS BETTER.
I felt much that same as you after my 3rd DUI, and everything came crashing down. Where I live, a 1st and 2nd DUI don't have horrible consequences, but things get pretty serious on a 3rd. A 4th is a felony. The night I got my 3rd, I knew without any doubt in my mind I would never drink again. I did all the things the court told me to. I went to treatment (actually started treatment before it was ordered, because I knew I needed help). I went to AA. I went to jail and had house arrest. I paid the money. I had an interlock device in my car for 2 and a half years.
The first couple of months I spent a whole lot of time beating myself up and feeling like absolute crap about who I was and what I had done. Like you, I could not believe I had let it get to that point. I had always been a successful, put-together person with a lot going for me. How could I have let the drinking get the upper hand? But slowly, I began to see the light of day. I began to see that I had (have) a disease, and that I needn't let my past define my future. I began to forgive myself, and I worked very hard to clean up the wreckage and apologize to the people in my life my drinking had hurt. I realized it did me no good whatsoever to wallow in misery - what was needed was action and a determination to never go down that road again. The past is the past, I can't change it or erase it.
4 years + of sobriety now, and life is good. I still have the occasional bad day of feeling horrible about the past, but I can get through it by looking at how far I've come, and how much better EVERYTHING in my life is without alcohol.
You will get there. I know it seems dark now, but I promise, IT GETS BETTER.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Exgirlnextdoor!! 
The reality of alcohol, is it is an addiction, we can't change the past but we can certainly rewrite the future . . . a new chapter and draw a line under the past!!
The reality of alcohol, is it is an addiction, we can't change the past but we can certainly rewrite the future . . . a new chapter and draw a line under the past!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
