Starting again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Starting again
A while since I was on here but looking for all support I can get, had another 7 months under my belt in 2018 (20 months 2015 to 2017) hammering AA solidly for 6 months with sponsor / working the programme and going through the steps until the bubble burst and I became disillusioned with it, was like it completely evaporated and I just couldn’t stand being there at all. I’ve had problems with mental health over recent years and lost my job of nearly 20 years in April, at the same time my wife also decided to read through my step 4 which was never meant to happen and some things that are hard for her to forgive or forget and things started to go downhill from there in a big way and found I couldn’t deal with anything, within a month of leaving AA I picked up again in the summer and been drinking for the last 5 months - again supposedly controlled to start with but hiding drinks everywhere and getting smashed on a regular basis - blackouts on numerous occasions and inevitably further family problems to add to the many I’ve notched up over the years.
Now on day 3 after a pretty disastrous and upsetting Christmas / New Year for my wife / family.
At the point of needing this to stop or I’m on the streets - no job and not well enough to get one at present.
I’ve been to 2 meetings yesterday and today and reconnected with a few friends in AA - sponsor on holiday until next week.
All I can think about is drinking and oblivion but know it can’t happen otherwise the one thing I have stopping me from completely destroying myself will be gone, at the same time not sure if that is such a bad thing as many a thought over recent months of just carry on until everything has gone then check out completely.
Now on day 3 after a pretty disastrous and upsetting Christmas / New Year for my wife / family.
At the point of needing this to stop or I’m on the streets - no job and not well enough to get one at present.
I’ve been to 2 meetings yesterday and today and reconnected with a few friends in AA - sponsor on holiday until next week.
All I can think about is drinking and oblivion but know it can’t happen otherwise the one thing I have stopping me from completely destroying myself will be gone, at the same time not sure if that is such a bad thing as many a thought over recent months of just carry on until everything has gone then check out completely.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Welcome back man. I feel for you, it sounds like you had a hard stretch just now. I think you know whatever the issues are in your life, be they mental, job, family whatever it is, nothing in the bottle will solve any of them. It's clear you have it in you put the drink away before, sending you strength on this part of your journey.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Thanks for all the replies - appreciated.
Hi Dee, nice to hear from you and trust you are keeping well. I completed the steps and my sponsor who has many sponsees said he’d never had anyone previously who he had seen take to the programme like I had, I really did throw myself into everything/ meetings well over 100 in 90 and at least daily thereafter / service / conventions - he felt I was ready to sponsor myself after I was asked by someone I was helping but said I I didn’t feel ready / thought it was too early.
I got it and it was working, got myself in a much better place with AA / psychologist / drug and alcohol counsellor and was trying to return to work after 6 months off with depression/ anxiety - CEO had different ideas and suggested they pay me off as he didn’t think I was ready - that knocked me for 6 and then started listening to old friends/ colleagues, small flippant remarks from one or two that wasn’t AA just a cult / that hadn’t I changed too much, I let them get into my head and fester and started questioning everything - home life had been the best for years in those months and then the step 4 problem and the job and the festering sent it all crashing - once it’s gone like that in my head no matter what I can’t get it back - i was still getting to meetings trying my best to do everything I had picked up but it was all getting too much and hearing the same shares over and over was driving me daft - I tried to vary my meetings to then find the same people there reeling off the same share I’d already heard 30 times in a few short months. It got to the point I was left in my own head just wanting it all to end and feeling no one could relate to what I was feeling / thinking - the last meeting I attended which I went to every week and was a really good meeting I was left on the verge of ending it after leaving and decided it best not to return at all I just distanced myself from everything and everyone and isolated listening to my head and then started drinking and without doubt things have progressed much further this time.
It’s like I’m 2 completely different people and the nasty / angry / argumentative / opionated etc one has returned - trying to shut it down but it’s a fight and the slightest thing is likely to push me over the way I feel. Anxiety is kicking back in and can feel my mood going down - I know where there’s a quick fix but I know it’s not the answer too.
Trying to get connected again / keep it in the day and not listen to anyone who doesn’t understand.
Hi Dee, nice to hear from you and trust you are keeping well. I completed the steps and my sponsor who has many sponsees said he’d never had anyone previously who he had seen take to the programme like I had, I really did throw myself into everything/ meetings well over 100 in 90 and at least daily thereafter / service / conventions - he felt I was ready to sponsor myself after I was asked by someone I was helping but said I I didn’t feel ready / thought it was too early.
I got it and it was working, got myself in a much better place with AA / psychologist / drug and alcohol counsellor and was trying to return to work after 6 months off with depression/ anxiety - CEO had different ideas and suggested they pay me off as he didn’t think I was ready - that knocked me for 6 and then started listening to old friends/ colleagues, small flippant remarks from one or two that wasn’t AA just a cult / that hadn’t I changed too much, I let them get into my head and fester and started questioning everything - home life had been the best for years in those months and then the step 4 problem and the job and the festering sent it all crashing - once it’s gone like that in my head no matter what I can’t get it back - i was still getting to meetings trying my best to do everything I had picked up but it was all getting too much and hearing the same shares over and over was driving me daft - I tried to vary my meetings to then find the same people there reeling off the same share I’d already heard 30 times in a few short months. It got to the point I was left in my own head just wanting it all to end and feeling no one could relate to what I was feeling / thinking - the last meeting I attended which I went to every week and was a really good meeting I was left on the verge of ending it after leaving and decided it best not to return at all I just distanced myself from everything and everyone and isolated listening to my head and then started drinking and without doubt things have progressed much further this time.
It’s like I’m 2 completely different people and the nasty / angry / argumentative / opionated etc one has returned - trying to shut it down but it’s a fight and the slightest thing is likely to push me over the way I feel. Anxiety is kicking back in and can feel my mood going down - I know where there’s a quick fix but I know it’s not the answer too.
Trying to get connected again / keep it in the day and not listen to anyone who doesn’t understand.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Hey RedAndy - glad you are here and want to be sober again.
I'll be succinct here - my suggestion is to throw yourself back into AA. You said you became disillusioned, though you also said you had thrown yourself hard into the program and gotten to a place others thought you were ready to sponsor, but you were careful enough (IMO and IME, since I waited to sponsor as well) to believe you needed more time working the program into your second year before taking that on.
So many other factors in our lives, right? Jobs, spouses, on and on. I know I have to be sober and more than that- emotionally sober and living my recovery- before everything else. Everything.
What will you do to get back to that- and beyond, so recovery becomes a permanent way of life? I had to commit to that before I had a chance to do my part in any of the rest of it, and accept that I couldn't control outcomes of anything or reactions of anyone.
Hope you stay with us and make this a last start.
I'll be succinct here - my suggestion is to throw yourself back into AA. You said you became disillusioned, though you also said you had thrown yourself hard into the program and gotten to a place others thought you were ready to sponsor, but you were careful enough (IMO and IME, since I waited to sponsor as well) to believe you needed more time working the program into your second year before taking that on.
So many other factors in our lives, right? Jobs, spouses, on and on. I know I have to be sober and more than that- emotionally sober and living my recovery- before everything else. Everything.
What will you do to get back to that- and beyond, so recovery becomes a permanent way of life? I had to commit to that before I had a chance to do my part in any of the rest of it, and accept that I couldn't control outcomes of anything or reactions of anyone.
Hope you stay with us and make this a last start.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Thanks August appreciate your words and know it’s what I need to do. Fact is despite me dismissing it as rubbish I really don’t have anywhere else to turn and know I have plenty of support and some good friends in the rooms.
Not drinking today / getting to a meeting and most of all trying to keep it in the day anything else just seems impossible right now and where my head starts going.
Serenity prayer and step 3 prayer are on repeat at present. Also been reading the set aside prayer too.
Not drinking today / getting to a meeting and most of all trying to keep it in the day anything else just seems impossible right now and where my head starts going.
Serenity prayer and step 3 prayer are on repeat at present. Also been reading the set aside prayer too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
It sounds like AA has worked well for you in the past, even if you strayed from the path. But have you looked into supplementing it with any other means? I found the reading materials out there like The Naked Mind, which has a big fan base here at S R, along with the concepts of Rational Recovery ecovery to be of great aid in my quest to sobriety. Not to take anything from AA, perhaps just add some additional fortifications.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 449
Firstly buddy, sorry to hear that you have been through this difficulty.
In my opinion it is vital that we are in a circle of people which don't frustrate our own idea of what recovery means etc. Because that leads to difficulties for you personally.
It seems you have tried extremely hard and I relate to that. That is the difficulty of having drink problem isn't it? Everything else we try hard at and fail we can be forgiven. But just takes one slip to be in chaos again when it comes to drink. It is disorienting!
I can't really give advice because I'm struggling myself! Is there maybe something you could organise out of AA with the people you do admire and find helpful to your recovery. Where you could meet up each week for a cup of tea or something and make it a regular thing?
In my opinion it is vital that we are in a circle of people which don't frustrate our own idea of what recovery means etc. Because that leads to difficulties for you personally.
It seems you have tried extremely hard and I relate to that. That is the difficulty of having drink problem isn't it? Everything else we try hard at and fail we can be forgiven. But just takes one slip to be in chaos again when it comes to drink. It is disorienting!
I can't really give advice because I'm struggling myself! Is there maybe something you could organise out of AA with the people you do admire and find helpful to your recovery. Where you could meet up each week for a cup of tea or something and make it a regular thing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Thanks Lonewolf, appreciate the input, going to try and get my head back on it but this time try and do some other worthwhile things with those in recovery away from the rooms, plenty of discussions on this previously but never anything arranged / set in stone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 449
Andy, I feel for you. For someone so close to you and probably one of the reasons for wanting to give up drinking reading your most personal notes, that's not easy.
Aye, I think you do right by doing that! I'm on my own on the moment so seems hypocritical saying this, I guess I just want you to not get so ruinous as to lose it all however logical or illogical that is of me. Just nipping it in the bud before it gets even worse.
Bit of a personal question but what do you think is driving you to drink most?
Aye, I think you do right by doing that! I'm on my own on the moment so seems hypocritical saying this, I guess I just want you to not get so ruinous as to lose it all however logical or illogical that is of me. Just nipping it in the bud before it gets even worse.
Bit of a personal question but what do you think is driving you to drink most?
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,187
Hi Andy, I remember you from before.
I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch. Reading your second post in this thread it struck me that you were spending an awful lot of time actively focussing on being a recovering alcoholic. I definitely think organisations like AA are helpful but I also think that you are a whole lot more than just a recovering alcoholic. You are a human being with a life so once you have a bit of sober time under your belt, let's say three months, then that might be a good point to reduce - definitely not stop - the focus on the alcoholism and increase the focus on the things that interest and motivate you. As I say I definitely don't want to come across as being anti AA or suggest complacency.
ps. Your former CEO sounds like a jerk, the fact that you did hold down the job for 20 years should tell him (or her) something. That 20 years will look good on your CV/resumé.
I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch. Reading your second post in this thread it struck me that you were spending an awful lot of time actively focussing on being a recovering alcoholic. I definitely think organisations like AA are helpful but I also think that you are a whole lot more than just a recovering alcoholic. You are a human being with a life so once you have a bit of sober time under your belt, let's say three months, then that might be a good point to reduce - definitely not stop - the focus on the alcoholism and increase the focus on the things that interest and motivate you. As I say I definitely don't want to come across as being anti AA or suggest complacency.
ps. Your former CEO sounds like a jerk, the fact that you did hold down the job for 20 years should tell him (or her) something. That 20 years will look good on your CV/resumé.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Just back from a meeting a now in bed with a big handful of Xmas chocs, so that’s today out of the way.
To be honest LW escapism / change the way I feel, forget who Iam and the fact that a lot of the time I do enjoy it as it lifts my mood / relieves anxiety which seem to be heightened even more when I’m not drinking / in sobriety I just have no off switch and the problem is those around me don’t have the same enjoyment by any stretch of the imagination once I’m on the other side and drinking in blackout which is now becoming more and more frequent.
Hi Sao, good to see you are still around, yes that does sound about right and something I am aware of, all or nothing kind of attitude and I definitely did become far to engrossed with little else going on in my life - funnily enough was talking with a friend about it this evening and something I am going to take heed of this time.
CEO supposedly a friend too, who needs enemies hey !! My wife was / is still livid at the way I was treated but i keep telling myself I am better off out of that environment it really was making me worse, not a place that knows how to deal with mental health issues, was told shortly before I was signed off in 2017 by one of fellow directors that if I can’t handle it then best looking elsewhere, great support and understanding - need to try and get some self esteem back as it really has kicked it right out of me even further, it had already been noted by my psychiatrist as suffering with chronic low self esteem
To be honest LW escapism / change the way I feel, forget who Iam and the fact that a lot of the time I do enjoy it as it lifts my mood / relieves anxiety which seem to be heightened even more when I’m not drinking / in sobriety I just have no off switch and the problem is those around me don’t have the same enjoyment by any stretch of the imagination once I’m on the other side and drinking in blackout which is now becoming more and more frequent.
Hi Sao, good to see you are still around, yes that does sound about right and something I am aware of, all or nothing kind of attitude and I definitely did become far to engrossed with little else going on in my life - funnily enough was talking with a friend about it this evening and something I am going to take heed of this time.
CEO supposedly a friend too, who needs enemies hey !! My wife was / is still livid at the way I was treated but i keep telling myself I am better off out of that environment it really was making me worse, not a place that knows how to deal with mental health issues, was told shortly before I was signed off in 2017 by one of fellow directors that if I can’t handle it then best looking elsewhere, great support and understanding - need to try and get some self esteem back as it really has kicked it right out of me even further, it had already been noted by my psychiatrist as suffering with chronic low self esteem
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Late to the party, but I'm very glad you're back too, RedAndy. You sound ready to do this. I'm so thankful for this place - where we understand each other like no one else can. We are with you as you get free and begin to heal.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
To be honest LW escapism / change the way I feel, forget who Iam and the fact that a lot of the time I do enjoy it as it lifts my mood / relieves anxiety which seem to be heightened even more when I’m not drinking / in sobriety I just have no off switch and the problem is those around me don’t have the same enjoyment by any stretch of the imagination once I’m on the other side and drinking in blackout which is now becoming more and more frequent.
I not only had the anxiety I used to drink over but also the anxiety, depression and irritability of a growing physical and mental addiction and the need of an addict to get his fix of booze.
When you peel back the onion skin on some of the pros they're not pros at all...
D
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Yes, that was the case for me too. I was an anxious & self-conscious person- so alcohol, in the early days, seemed a panacea. As I grew more dependent, the negatives far outweighed any positives. It turned me into a person I barely recognized. Also, I never dealt with my mental health issues - just masked them.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I'm self-employed,but if an employee was 'living' like I was, I would have had to let him/her go. I'd have fired myself and kinda did for 6mo. Gotta let that go,man..might not seem fair,but as an employer of 15-30 people(at any given time),with the sole intention of being profitable and 'taking care of MY family', an employee's 'issues' are not my concern when they start effecting my 'nut'. Get yourself sorted and get back 'at it'.. what would you have done when faced with his 'options'?
Edit: Focus on your recovery and not your job for a bit..I hated doing that,but after 6mo I was making 'sound' decisions again(most times),but I really had no one to blame for my 'downfall' but myself. Didn't mean to sound like an ass,but it's how I talk.
Edit: Focus on your recovery and not your job for a bit..I hated doing that,but after 6mo I was making 'sound' decisions again(most times),but I really had no one to blame for my 'downfall' but myself. Didn't mean to sound like an ass,but it's how I talk.
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