tallulah1111

Hi- A former boyfriend is an alcoholic, and we stopped dating over a year ago. He has had several serious drinking relapses and recently lost his job. He stopped drinking (after a month long binge) and is now trying to reconnect with me. He is acting as though the past year and all the changes in our relationship never happened! I don't trust him and find myself annoyed with him. I am no longer in love with him, and he completely disregards this. I don't wish him any ill will, and want to help him but I am afraid that any contact that I have with him enables him. He has started AA, and tells me that everything is different. One thing that is really bothering me is that he does not respect my wishes. I told him that I would go to a movie with him, but that I wanted no physical contact (hand holding, etc.) He completely disregarded this. I had to put my handbag between us as a barrier to keep his hands off of me. When I confronted him, he acted like a little boy with his hands caught in the cookie jar. I told him that his refusal to keep his hands off of me shows me clearly that nothing is different. What is most bizarre is that I know that he does not love me. We had not had any physical contact in well over a year - though we did see each other at church and had meals together several times. So for him to want this now seems so false! I feel used, and that he is using me as a mask - any ideas or help would be greatly appreciated.

suki44883

Well, you are giving him mixed messages. If you don't want contact with him, then don't have contact with him. Telling him you will go to a movie with him gives him hope, and you already know he will not respect your boundaries.

Stop having meals with him. Stop having any contact whatsoever with him. Block him on your phone, email and any social media. It is obvious he isn't going to stop, so you will have to be the one to put a stop to it.

AnvilheadII

One thing that is really bothering me is that he does not respect my wishes. I told him that I would go to a movie with him, but that I wanted no physical contact (hand holding, etc.) He completely disregarded this. I had to put my handbag between us as a barrier to keep his hands off of me. When I confronted him, he acted like a little boy with his hands caught in the cookie jar. I told him that his refusal to keep his hands off of me shows me clearly that nothing is different.

is it possible that part of you enjoys being pursued? if you truly want nothing to do with someone, and do not want any attention or affection, then going to dinner and the movies is not being true to yourself.

YOU are in charge here. if you want it to stop, then YOU stop.

Leelee168

So I’m wondering if he might have narcissistic tendencies and he’s coming back around for that reason. When you identify that he does not respect your boundaries and “acts like a little boy with his hands caught in the cookie jar” it makes me wonder.

Like many others have said, it’s up to you to cut off contact completely if you want him out of your life.

FeelingGreat

This is a cycle you hear about in this forum often. I suppose you could call it catch and release. Some people like to lure their ex's back for their own ego, and when they fall for it, revert to their old behaviour. You're only human, so you might enjoy the slight ego boost, but you're not blind enough to think he loves you.

I suggest you stop playing his game, and don't be too surprised if he turns nasty.

NYCDoglvr

If you don't want contact, cut it off completely. "No" is a complete sentence and there should be no discussion.

Maudcat

Hi, tallulah.
Welcome.
sounds like you want to help him, and he wants support that you are not willing to give.
Only you can decide about this, but I'm thinking probably no contact will be the answer, sorry.

atalose

EX means. Thanks for the EXperience. Our time has EXpired. Now EXit my life.

Seriously, ask yourself, are you the answer to cure/fix his alcoholism? Do you have the special power to get him sober? And if you think you do, please share how with the rest of us. Many of us have tried that friendship thing, the loving them thing yet most relapsed and continued to drink.

Has he alienated everyone else in his life over this past year? Why you and why now a year later?

Trust your gut and stick with it.