Lonewolf22

I have recently noticed that I'm so detached from the world around me. For a while I sensed that people associated various topics to a conversation to form a coherent picture of whatever they're trying to explain. I noticed when I studied people could, say in a presentation, apply personal accounts and academic data to their lecture.

I noticed when I listened to people talk I was kind of perplexed by the fact I struggled with it. I can do it to a lesser degree when I wrote but I couldn't as effectively when explaining something verbally. I can't consciously form a discussion from varied angles. I understand them but I just don't have them in mind when I look to explain something. My memory, my cognition and my sense of convictions just don't come together to help each other.

This is same in chitchat, people speak so naturally about something whereas it seems more effort for me and I miss out loads of details that would be relevant.

Maybe I'm just not intelligent but again, with identity, I don't have no strong sense of who I am. I feel I did as a kid to some degree but somehow it has diminished and I'm just left with a blur.

I find from not socialising very much I have become so detached from the world and how it operates that I struggle to function in it. I don't know my place in it. I just imagine myself as something until I step into the world and realise ****, how can that be me when the world is telling me I'm not. I even got so detached at a certain point that I lost the bond I had with my family. Like I was floating through a movie scene.

Not sure if I'm making any sense here but just watching people speak on youtube. I am that in real life, just a spectator and not involved in it. So detached from the reality of it I guess.

I definitely think this has led to my social anxiety, my depression and ultimately my drink problem. It has just spiralled and I fall deeper from 'out there'. I sometimes wonder if I have a personality disorder or a mild form of autism.

Lonewolf22

Maybe this is just me overlooking simply fact that I'm just not intelligent or that I am dissociated because of my quite severe fear of people and their judgements, and of criticism, I don't know

Guener

LW, I don't think that your intelligence is a problem for you if you are exploring psychological and psychiatric topics like you have mentioned.

I understand what happens to me when I feel detached and isolate myself, and as an alcoholic those are risky places to be for me. I have always felt very different from others in the larger picture that the world paints on what it means to be normal. What I have found is that there are plenty of other people who share the difficulties that I face, whether that is addiction or if it falls into the realm of mental illness. I don't feel shame over these things any longer, though I struggle with them day to day.

I have surprised myself in overcoming some of the fears that I have about associating with other people, with feeling more confidence in my value, and in being able to articulate what I am feeling. And some days I just feel confused or even sad over how things are going. I used alcohol to cope with difficult times but of course generated only worse outcomes for myself. The journey to a better perception of my place in the world and how I choose to react to it have been bumpy but worth my effort.

The question remains how to find possible resolutions to these problems for myself. Quitting drinking involved a number of different inputs over time, including failures, and I am still in early recovery. Finding help from professionals in the area of dealing with my depression and anxiety has been a very big factor in helping me to improve my life through both medication and therapy (with an addiction specialist). I have learned that I have obstacles to overcome, but I am not self-identifying as inadequate or unworthy of following certain aids to be happier.

Lonewolf22

Well the number one concern I have is this constant nagging sense that it isn't just anxiety and depression that is wrong with me, it must be something else.

I look at autism and see that as a possibility. I see many symptoms of personality disorders and think that is possible too. So the first thing (tomorrow fingers crossed) I'm going to see my GP. Tell her we need to start taking things seriously now, I've been on the bottom for too long now and I need to get the help and support of it is just going to continue indefinitely. I will also ask her to put in to the world the process of getting a psychological assessment!

I feel I need a psychological assessment in order to understand myself. Otherwise I will just not know how to move forward.

Then later on I will get private counselling if I can afford it.

It sounds like you are on the right path

DriGuy

I don't know if this is what you are describing, but a occasionally feel like my mind is in a large empty chamber. I'm in there by myself, and I know there is a whole reality outside, but I'm in this chamber and detached from everything.

I sense this is important, and I should try to figure out what causes it, but I while I often introspect and find interesting things, for some reason, I don't want to explore this further. I know I don't like it when I experience it. But I sense something dangerous about it. It goes away and might not return for a year or two.

biminiblue

I found that it was alcohol that was causing my mental illness and fears.

I also stopped believing there was something wrong with me. It took many months of sober time to get there. Alcohol really messes with cognition, boundaries, and speech.

Give yourself the gift of sober time. I forced myself to talk to people, and in time it all came back to me.

Sobriety is the answer here. None of the other interventions will work without it.

ardy

oh Dear Heart so not true.. you are a great friend even tho you are so far in the distance.. maybe some of what is happening to you is happening to some of us too.. I have had the same dissociated depressed feelings.. why ...... I have no idea why.. but you are a Great Wolf of the North.. and smart and True.. an old lady..

Lonewolf22

Thank you are

Lonewolf22

Ah I dunno man, dunno what it is, I might somehow be deceiving myself

Lonewolf22

It's definitely not the alcohol througg, the alcohol has always been to cope with my mental health. There are many studies on MH sufferers falling into addiction.

hopeful4

It may not be the alcohol, but the alcohol may make the condition much worse. You have to eliminate that and give yourself some time to exhibit true symptoms that are not alcohol induced or made worse by alcohol. Stop self medication. Then....have a psychological test and proceed forward.

I believe my Xhusband who is an alcoholic has a personality disorder and possibly a mild form of some sort of autism. That being said, does putting a name it to really matter? His symptoms will never be under control b/c he drinks w/the meds that would help him, making them a hinderance, not a useful tool of taking care of his own mental health.

You are aware you are feeling off and admit to that. That in and of itself says so much as to cure these issues one has to be prepared to get the help and stick by it. Alcohol will make it worse every single time.

Your quality of life can change, but the self medication through alcohol has to stop first.

Dee74

I used to day - quite vehemently - it wasn't the alcohol either - alcohol was my only medicine that I felt worked against my mental health issues - why couldn't people understand?

But them my drinking almost killed me and I realised I had to work on my alcoholism and my mental health if I wanted to get well and stay that way.

Drinking for mental health is kinda like trying to put a fire out with gasoline...

and trying to deal with mental health while I was drinking was like trying to rake leaves out of the pool in the middle of a hurricane.

I needed to address both issues, LW,

D

Lonewolf22

Yeah, I agree. Drinking isn't great. I mean I don't really know what would be great for me at times.
I have had several periods in my life where I was sober for a long period of time and that was excruciating.
At Uni, I only got drunk once or twice. The whole socialising, being at lectures was just so awkward and painful for me.
Then when I got with a woman, we were together a year and I didn't drink while with her. I knew I'd ruin it if I did but I ended up ruining it anyway because of my emotions.
At rehab, sober time then. Whole experience was painful and depressing seeing everyone else progress so well. Emotionally I felt no different. I'm fact worse on many occasions.
I don't know if any of you have experienced this. I imagine so. It happens when you get so hard to improve the way you are and you still seem to fall, and after doing that for so long, I can vaguely remember just something shattering inside. Something that said my body and my brain can't even cope anymore. The climb just keeps looking higher and higher and the body and mind just grow weaker. Like It is screaming for rest but that rest never comes. And eventually, like a mountaineer on Everest who can't find the energy or will to continue just stops and says, you guys go on without me. I'm staying here.

MindfulMan

My journey to both sobriety and vastly improved mental health started with my GP giving me a psych consult. In fact, she wouldn't treat me any further until I had one.

It got me into rehab and off of alcohol, cocaine and sedatives. After that I could effectively work on the underlying anxiety, bipolar II disorder, and ADD that I'd been self-medicating all of my life.

Glad you're taking the bull by the horns, sounds like you are having symptoms of depersonalization/derealization, but a psychiatrist/psychologist or team thereof can be far more effective in naming and treating whatever it is that is causing you distress.

hopeful4

I think that it would benefit you to be in a more enriching environment where you are interested in what is happening.

Let me give you an example. As I said previous, I believe my X husband is on the spectrum in some fashion. He exhibits much of the same behavior you are describing. He is not engaged at all, and is somewhat of a loner. That being said, if you put him in an environment where his interests lie, he can be quite engaging. He is quite a musician, so if you take him to a small event that he can engage with other musical minded people, he will engage and enjoy himself.

However, if he were forced to be in a large group of people as people are at times, he self medicates because of two things. It makes him more social, and it calms his social anxiety in that situation. The problem is he has never worked on other coping skills for those situations and turns to something that is both dangerous to himself and others.

I do agree that a psych eval is in order so you can determine what is going on, and work on coping mechanisms. Where I love they have something called vocational rehab that will help you determine if this is a disability, and actually place you for work and other services, and it's all free. It may be something to look into. Many people think it's a service for only those with major disability like being blind or deaf, but that is not true.

Auburnazd

I definitely agree with a psychological assessment. Or say screw it to that and just see a psychologist. It is amazing the difference it can make. I lost my father, son, and 6 other people in 5 years while battling addiction so I didn’t feel any of it. I still have really bad days but I know they would be a lot worse if I didn’t have someone other than my husband to talk about it too. And of course you have all of us. But it doesn’t hurt to give it a try to go to a psychologist. Just remember that not every individual will be a great fit so it may take a few different people. Just remember it’s an option that may help you work through your thoughts...which by the way are written very eloquently. Good luck to you and I’m hear if you need to vent.

ardy

heard the lonewolf howl to the world last night. you mean so much . and just do not realize it. a pat from a Lady clown..

NYCDoglvr

I've had stretches of time in recovery (27 years) when I felt detached and unconnected. In my case it was part of major depression and when the medication was adjusted I felt present in the world. I suggest a psychiatrist, a lifesaver for me.