Lonewolf22

So the last few days have been probably one of my worst binges, or longest to date.
I ran out off bottles of beer or I would have drank today too because withdrawal has been crazy bad.
I have no idea what the neighbours must have thought. I ended up in local woods and I ended up flicking my shoes off and walking home in my socks.

I vaguely remember shouting out of my front door even though no one was there because I got in my head someone had hurt my dog. No the dog was just anxious because of my drunk mood.I

Then I had the worst experience mentally with booze yet. I felt tired but when I lay down on the sofa, I started getting delirious. I was exhausted and felt the necessity to really get some sleep but my mind was going crazy. I suffer with mental health but this I've never experienced before. I thought I was going insane.

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed right now. I am feeling very hopeless at the moment. I'm trapped between really wanting a drink but too anxious to face the world right now. So annoyed because I moved to have a fresh start and again I ruined it and probably have the neighbours upset with my antics.

I want to say I can see some light ahead but too many times I keep falling back into binge drinking. I have no idea what to do. I was thinking of rehab again but I have a dog and also last time I went to rehab I was constantly on edge as my anxiety is generally worse around people. Sorry for the negativity but needed to be able to share it

Dee74

I think you need a new plan LoneWolf - nothing wrong with being a lone wolf if it works...but if you can;t stop drinking that way, maybe it's time to ask for some help?

D

ElizaD

Just keep trying, Lonewolf. Don't give up! I know this is different but I tried to quit smoking probably 20 times before I finally quit for good. Who knows why that last time 18 years ago was different then the others. You just gotta keep trying.

Lonewolf22

Yep Dee, I need to do something. I can't keep living my life on edge wondering what I have done during blackout. I have elderly neighbour's in my area too which hurts to think they may have been scared by my ranting in the street.

Unfortunately I lost my phone too so can't ring about for support. Ideally I'd love to just get myself dropped off at rehab but the last one was too intense I couldn't with the constant being around people, hopefully I will find another one which isn't so people oriented and I can have more personal space. Trip to doctors I think first though. Anyway thank you for your reply, I hope you had a good new year

Lonewolf22

Hi eliza, it's just the shame of it which I struggle with. Can't bear to go outside in case I pump into a neighbour. Yet I know in few days I will one withdrawals have subsided. Hopefully I won't go scurrying to the shop and back to hide away. Feel like such a spineless coward.
Hopefully I can get my head down and get some sleep today.

AtomicBlue

I remember a few times worrying about what I might have done in the neighborhood during blackouts (even though it turns out I didn’t really do anything) that I went and stayed in a hotel for a few days. So you’re not alone in that. It’s another gift of alcoholism.

It’s way better now to always be able to look my neighbors in the eye and never have anxiety about that stuff anymore. I hope you can quit for good Lonewolf.

Kaily

Sorry your feeling so awful Lonewolf. Please try not to worry about others think, easy to say I know. Your number one priority just needs to be you.

Be kind to yourself and give your dog a big reassuring cuddle.

JK130

Thinking of you tonight...and wishing you strength and peace.

Lonewolf22

Thank you guys! Today is awful still but a little bit better. I keep considering going to the shop for more beers but just can't pluck the courage up to walk into a shop full of people that have seen me going in and out, each day for the last week or so.

Today I just feel a little paranoid and very jumpy. I'm not able to close my eyes and without feeling like my heart is going to pop.

So have to ride it through!

Dee74

you'll feel better tomorrow for not getting those beers today LoneWolf.

DriGuy

I haven't followed any other threads that you may have started. Have you tried hospitalized detox followed by daily meetings? Just getting through withdrawal doesn't seem like enough. After detox, which seems like something you need, you still have to make a conscious and subconscious commitment to sobriety, and that may require daily meetings as a kind of cement. I don't know what your overall plan is, but you've got to get through the withdrawal before you can start the next step, and I'm pretty sure that's nothing you can put off while you take time to mull over your situation. You've obviously done enough mulling over by now.

Lonewolf22

At the moment driguy, my thoughts on the matter keep flicking back and forth. Part of me is thinking I'm just a hopeless case and my character is too weak. Another part of me is thinking I should build up the courage to go to the shop just to get a few beers and another part is just thinking how on earth am I going to make through my front door.
Poor dog has been in house for 3 days, I only let him out in the garden. That was at 5 this morning when noone would be around.I
I'm tempted to find him a new owner once my mind is a bit clearer, I love him to bits but it just isn't fair on him.

Maybe I'll contact few support services too but at the moment just feel so pathetic that I can't face the world.a

wildflower70

How about facing this new day without any beers? It might not be fun, but you will start to feel better. You do want to feel better...right?

Lonewolf22

I will probably will wildflower but I just thought tapering off after intense period of drinking might ease my withdrawal. But then I haven't got the courage to go out in this state so looks like I won't be drinking today lol

Force

How are you doing??

Lonewolf22

I replied back to your previous message on your page you know Force?

Guener

I know what it's like to be hiding out after you have been through a binge, afraid that people are going to wonder about you.

The flicking back and forth in your mind is known to me, too, and when I would finally get up the urge to drink that was strong enough to get me outside, I would buy enough alcohol to just get drunk again: as long as I was purchasing something, who gives a damn if it's a six pack or a twelve pack and a bottle of wine (or two). I'd be relieved for a while that I could drink again, until I was out cold and/or out of the drink. Then it would just start all over again.

I also believed that I was so flawed that it didn't matter what I was doing to myself or to others.

If you take a walk with your dog to do something that is the right thing to do, you might feel a little relief. As far as passing on your pet to another person, that sounds like preparing to relieve yourself of responsibility that you don't like to encounter while engaging in drinking, and I think you can be better than that to yourself and for your dog. S/he doesn't understand why it's not possible to go outside for a walk and probably feels your distress, so that walk would be great for you both.

The misery you are experiencing comes through in your posts. Try not to prolong it further than need be and avoid that store. You deserve to be happier, you just need some help to get there. I think it would be a great idea if you pursue seeking out what assistance may be available to you, in whatever forms, to get moving toward better days.

Lonewolf22

Yeah, that is at the point I'm at. Struggling to go out but know how relieved I will be of I was to go and get some beers.

I've noticed that my state of mind and even cognition seems to become impaired recently. So these are the warning signs. If I carry on drinking I just cause more problems to cope with long -term.

Thank you for the thorough response, much appreciated.

PinnacleOR

Hi Lonewolf, it took me a while before I realized the help that was available for detox through hospital. Maybe you are past the worst, but I found the help of the meds they gave, along with IVs, were very helpful.

I also had many embarrassing moments during my binges. Apparently I slipped and fell hard on the floor at the mini-mart near me, and I don't remember any of it. Thankfully the employees working there when that happened have moved on. Ultimately I think we are harder on ourselves than others are - most probably just wish the best for us.

SoberCAH

I strongly advise against drinking more alcohol (even beer), amigo.

It sounds like it's the source of your problems - not the solution.

Don't drink and keep us posted.