Should I give AH another chance?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Baton Rouge, LA
Posts: 21
Should I give AH another chance?
Sorry, this will be long to set the scenario. I filed for Divorce in June this year after 20 yrs of marriage from AH. After many years of the roller coaster most of you know. He has over the years admitted many times that he has a drinking problem, even went to outpatient rehab about 5 yrs ago and was sober for around 4-5 months. After that, he said he didn't really believe he was an Alcoholic, just maybe drank too much sometimes (ok, b/c it's normal to hide vodka bottles all over your house). So life goes on and I decide I will just suck it up and live with it until my daughter graduates from HS. He is not an everyday drinker. Sometimes he goes days without drinking, and sometimes doesn't even drink heavily. But when he decides to do his "sneaky drinking" I call it, that's when he gets mean and ugly with me. And then the bottle hiding comes in waves. Doesn't happen for a while, then starts happening a lot. Of course we have a knock out fight, he promises to stop and get better, same old story. Years go by. So last year my daughter started saying things to me about "dad's drinking again" and that is the first time I knew she got it and realized the issue. And she started asking me to get him out of her space when her friends were over so he didn't embarrass her. And she recognized more when he was picking a fight.And his behavior just started to escalate. And he was very nasty to me a lot. Fighting with me about money (and we are pretty well set financially - but he was very controlling with finances) and I work full-time. Telling me I was worthless b/c I didn't make as much a couple of months. There was always a lot of name calling from him if we had an argument, typical self-centered narcissistic behavior. Anyway, the last year was just chaotic in our home and my daughter started leaving to stay with friends b/c she didn't want to be around it. That's when I saw staying for her wasn't helping anymore. I confronted him a few times about finding his Vodka bottles, he mocked me and turned his nose up. My daughter even came face to face with him drinking out of one of his bottles, he didn't seem to care, and he thinks she worships him. Anyway, I had my plan together and he acted shocked. How dare I do this, blah blah. I was a snake, robbing him of time with his daughter in her last yr at home before college. So our lives turned upside down, we sadly sold our home, and all of our property is settled. In my state the final divorce takes 1 yr. But he has been very nasty since the filing, constant harrassment emotionally, telling me what a horrible person I am, making him homeless, stealing all of HIS money, etc. Fast forward, he decided in October to go to an outpatient rehab (with hopes of reconciliation). I said good luck, but don't do it for me. So he has reached out to me a couple of times really wanting to talk. Sending me a lot of nice notes, which was shocking b/c everything before was so horrible. So I have talked to him a couple of times (against the advice of my therapist). He says he realizes everything he has done and the way he treated me was wrong. He's so sorry. He loves me and doesn't want to spend his life without me. But he said he just "graduated" from his program after only 6 wks (b/c his insurance wouldn't pay). I know that 6 wks isn't long enough. He said he will be continuing some other therapy.And he will be patient with me as much time as I need. HELP. I do love him and believe me this life of singleness is not for me. But I know being with him again is a stress I don't want with waiting for the other shoe to drop constantly. How long does he need to prove his sobriety? He keeps asking me to go to dinner, etc. This is so hard for me to process. When he is like he is now, he is a wonderful, great person to be with. I just don't know if he can stay that way. Thank you to all that read this far.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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I wouldn't. Not only is he an alcoholic, he is abusive. If you are bound and determined to give him another chance, tell him he must be completely sober and working a strong program for one year. If he scoffs at that, then he isn't serious about living sober.
Edit to add: Just read some of your past posts. This has been going on for a long time and you keep taking him back. How long are you going to allow this BS? You knew when you posted that no one would advise giving him yet another chance. It's your life and if you want to spend the next 20 years tied to an abusive alcoholic, then keep doing what you have been doing.
Edit to add: Just read some of your past posts. This has been going on for a long time and you keep taking him back. How long are you going to allow this BS? You knew when you posted that no one would advise giving him yet another chance. It's your life and if you want to spend the next 20 years tied to an abusive alcoholic, then keep doing what you have been doing.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
This is a tricky situation you are in because he is playing tug of war with your emotions. I feel like this is an easily predictable situation but I'm not a psychic. I have lived through this with my ABF. He will have moments of clarity and be extremely apologetic and all set to make change, and when I give him the benefit of the doubt he takes it and destroys my trust all over again and the cycle continues. And living together under these circumstances is a trap to begin with , it's hard to escape. So if you were able to get away I say stay away until he can prove himself to be the kind of man you both need to live your best life together. You are in my thoughts and you are not alone. Xx
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Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,330
Just ended a four year relationship with ABF. I believe I became an alc trying to keep up with his drinking😳😬. Dumb on my own boundaries. Poor self esteem to be allowed the gaslighting after he was mean to me.
I was manipulated. I was addicted to the roller coaster that I hated with him.
I allowed all of it by staying.
I love him so. How could that be? Because we are human
*******To love myself more was key*******
Quit drinking. HE DID NOT LIKE
Took time for me....HE DID NOT LIKE
I paid attention and noticed the Sick behaviors. HE DID NOT LIKE
Two weeks out.
Getting better.
I made the best choices (and hardest) for me in 2018.
Moving forward in 2019.
I was manipulated. I was addicted to the roller coaster that I hated with him.
I allowed all of it by staying.
I love him so. How could that be? Because we are human
*******To love myself more was key*******
Quit drinking. HE DID NOT LIKE
Took time for me....HE DID NOT LIKE
I paid attention and noticed the Sick behaviors. HE DID NOT LIKE
Two weeks out.
Getting better.
I made the best choices (and hardest) for me in 2018.
Moving forward in 2019.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Reality...what a concept!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: CT, USA
Posts: 1,232
I think you already know the answer to that question. You will always love him, but if you love yourself, you will not let him get back in your life. It sounds like you are set with a new life (sold your house, got divorced) and the hard part is done. Do you really want to go through that again?
Make 2019 your year!
Make 2019 your year!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
Nothing changes if nothing changes. If he is working a program and has a sponsor, he wouldn't even be trying to reconcile right now with no recovery on hand. If he is not working a program, you are accepting the same behavior and you will probably go back to worse than what you left behind. Work on your program. Get the focus off of him. Let him worry about his recovery. Being financially abusive is still abuse. My ex AH was financially abusive. Alcohol didn't make him do that. He has showed you who he is. We sometimes love to create this picture of a person in our head because we so want it to be true and we become masters of living in denial. Take your rose colored glasses off and see things for what they are and then decide if that's the life you want to go back to. him not drinking won't suddenly make him a different person. He is still going to be abusive. Hugs and good luck.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I don't know what has happened in the past between you and your AH. As I read your post, this jumped out at me, and I think you answered your own question....When he is like he is now, he is a wonderful, great person to be with. I just don't know if he can stay that way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 70
No, don't take him back.
Its very hard and it really sucks; I know. I am divorcing my AH after 20-plus years. And there are days that I struggle and days that I wish I was still going to be married. I don't want to be married to HIM; just married. With someone there, etc. But - goodness knows - my life in general is much, much better since we're separated and headed to divorce.
If he's serious about his recovery, you refusing to take him back will not matter - he'll still work towards his recovery so he can develop a solid relationship with his daughter.
And, your therapist is right. Don't talk to him. This, too, is very difficult but you were married to him for two decades. He knows all the manipulative tactics to use; all the right things to say; all the buttons to push (so to speak) to get you to want him back. (Heck, he probably installed the buttons!) Protect yourself from his games.
Its very hard and it really sucks; I know. I am divorcing my AH after 20-plus years. And there are days that I struggle and days that I wish I was still going to be married. I don't want to be married to HIM; just married. With someone there, etc. But - goodness knows - my life in general is much, much better since we're separated and headed to divorce.
If he's serious about his recovery, you refusing to take him back will not matter - he'll still work towards his recovery so he can develop a solid relationship with his daughter.
And, your therapist is right. Don't talk to him. This, too, is very difficult but you were married to him for two decades. He knows all the manipulative tactics to use; all the right things to say; all the buttons to push (so to speak) to get you to want him back. (Heck, he probably installed the buttons!) Protect yourself from his games.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
If you really want him back, I would make it a requirement that you have no contact for 2 years, during which time he should get a sponsor, stay in AA and remain sober and works the steps. And he has to do ALL that because HE wants to. Right now, he is trying to manipulate you into a reconciliation. No contact = no new hurts.
You are in an abusive relationship with a cycle of abuse and intermittent reward -- that in itself creates an addiction to the drama because the effect of sudden highs and sudden lows resemble the effect of addiction on the brain. Many people in abusive relationships return to the relationship over and over again; it sometimes takes a woman seven attempts at leaving before she is able to be free... or sometimes they are killed. The abuser is the ring leader in this circus. You don't want to keep dancing, bear.
Your daughter has already made it clear through her actions that she feels safer with her friends than in her own home. It's time that you felt emotionally, financially, and physically safe in your own home too. Your home should be a refuge. You need to be able to recharge every night to prepare for the difficulties of the next day.
May I suggest reading "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft if you have not done so already? Do you have real-life support from a therapist or Alanon?
I am concerned that your daughter has lived with so much chaos for so long and this will affect her self-esteem and her expectations of intimate relationships/marriage in the future. If she is not already in Alateen, she should attend. If you don't feel that you can be single for you, why not do it for your daughter? Show her that it's okay to be strong. At least show her you can be single for a time (a year, two years)... if your husband does enter recovery on his own, and stays in recovery, who knows?
Also, everything Wheelsup said is excellent.
"And there are days that I struggle and days that I wish I was still going to be married. I don't want to be married to HIM; just married. With someone there, etc."
I have the exact same feeling (above), but I can 100% agree that my life is better now than it was before.
You are in an abusive relationship with a cycle of abuse and intermittent reward -- that in itself creates an addiction to the drama because the effect of sudden highs and sudden lows resemble the effect of addiction on the brain. Many people in abusive relationships return to the relationship over and over again; it sometimes takes a woman seven attempts at leaving before she is able to be free... or sometimes they are killed. The abuser is the ring leader in this circus. You don't want to keep dancing, bear.
Your daughter has already made it clear through her actions that she feels safer with her friends than in her own home. It's time that you felt emotionally, financially, and physically safe in your own home too. Your home should be a refuge. You need to be able to recharge every night to prepare for the difficulties of the next day.
May I suggest reading "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft if you have not done so already? Do you have real-life support from a therapist or Alanon?
I am concerned that your daughter has lived with so much chaos for so long and this will affect her self-esteem and her expectations of intimate relationships/marriage in the future. If she is not already in Alateen, she should attend. If you don't feel that you can be single for you, why not do it for your daughter? Show her that it's okay to be strong. At least show her you can be single for a time (a year, two years)... if your husband does enter recovery on his own, and stays in recovery, who knows?
Also, everything Wheelsup said is excellent.
"And there are days that I struggle and days that I wish I was still going to be married. I don't want to be married to HIM; just married. With someone there, etc."
I have the exact same feeling (above), but I can 100% agree that my life is better now than it was before.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 151
Let me flip your question about "taking him back" a bit for you. Do you want HIM back or do you want to move forward into something different??
If you want to move forward, is HE, currently, the person you want to move forward with?? Is he *capable* of moving forward into a different relationship??
I'm in a similar spot as you (currently separated from AW as she is living in a sober living house; but not divorced).
And the most honest thing AW has said to me is: "I cannot promise that I'll never, ever relapse in the future, because I'm an alcoholic."
But she is working her program, going to meetings every night.
So, what can we expect in the future if we reconcile with our alcoholic spouses??
I think it's fair for ME to expect a relapse at some point -- that's not a 100% sure thing; but I think I have to accept it as a probable thing.
But, I also think its fair for me to expect that - if there is a relapse - she goes right back to working her program.
So if relapse happens, but it's not followed by working her program after falling off the wagon, that's a separation or exit point for me. Call that "my boundary".
Can I live with the above???
I'm not sure.
So, moving forward with your AH, I think you have to assess what is reasonable for you to expect moving forward??
MCE Saint
If you want to move forward, is HE, currently, the person you want to move forward with?? Is he *capable* of moving forward into a different relationship??
I just don't know if he can stay that way.
And the most honest thing AW has said to me is: "I cannot promise that I'll never, ever relapse in the future, because I'm an alcoholic."
But she is working her program, going to meetings every night.
So, what can we expect in the future if we reconcile with our alcoholic spouses??
I think it's fair for ME to expect a relapse at some point -- that's not a 100% sure thing; but I think I have to accept it as a probable thing.
But, I also think its fair for me to expect that - if there is a relapse - she goes right back to working her program.
So if relapse happens, but it's not followed by working her program after falling off the wagon, that's a separation or exit point for me. Call that "my boundary".
Can I live with the above???
I'm not sure.
So, moving forward with your AH, I think you have to assess what is reasonable for you to expect moving forward??
MCE Saint
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
How long does he need to prove his sobriety? For the rest of his life. My husband is nearly two years sober and I still question myself and him though not out loud. I will for the rest of our marriage...I think. He still has character issues that I question even sober. It takes time and the desire to change. My husband was loving and the dream husband until I took him back and then I got more of the same minus the alcohol.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
stuckinfear lol......there is a time-tested "test" to see if a person is serious about sobriety......Just tell them "No" about something they really want....
I am saying this, very sincerely.....I get the impression that you really do not know all that really required for an alcoholic to be in genuine, life-long recovery.....specifically.....because, if you did know the reality, I don't think you would even be considering the possibility of reconciliation, at this time....
And, neither would he, if he really had committed himself to sobriety at his top priority.....
2 or 3 yrs. or more, down the road....possibly--IF he had made the life changes that it requires....of uninterrupted sobriety and a change in his thinking....and in his attitudes...and, in his behaviors....a total change.....
And, even then...the outcome is not guaranteed......because living in an intimate relationship with another person is the biggest test....in my opinion. An intimate relationship will pour alcohol on the fire of a persons weaknesses and coping mechanisms, like no other...…
Have you ever sat in an open AA meeting...or, talked in detail to a recovering alcoholic...who has many years of recovery under their belt? If you haven't....maybe, that would be a good idea. I'm talking about 10--15years, or more.....they can tell you what it really takes….
stuckinfear…..(lol...notice your name?)…..looking at your other threads...you have lived many years of the misery.....and, I fear that your own fear of the future and your ignorance of what is necessary.....you are about to take another slice of that misery pie...…
I think that you need m ore help and support for yourself, than you will benefit from living with him, again.....
I am saying this, very sincerely.....I get the impression that you really do not know all that really required for an alcoholic to be in genuine, life-long recovery.....specifically.....because, if you did know the reality, I don't think you would even be considering the possibility of reconciliation, at this time....
And, neither would he, if he really had committed himself to sobriety at his top priority.....
2 or 3 yrs. or more, down the road....possibly--IF he had made the life changes that it requires....of uninterrupted sobriety and a change in his thinking....and in his attitudes...and, in his behaviors....a total change.....
And, even then...the outcome is not guaranteed......because living in an intimate relationship with another person is the biggest test....in my opinion. An intimate relationship will pour alcohol on the fire of a persons weaknesses and coping mechanisms, like no other...…
Have you ever sat in an open AA meeting...or, talked in detail to a recovering alcoholic...who has many years of recovery under their belt? If you haven't....maybe, that would be a good idea. I'm talking about 10--15years, or more.....they can tell you what it really takes….
stuckinfear…..(lol...notice your name?)…..looking at your other threads...you have lived many years of the misery.....and, I fear that your own fear of the future and your ignorance of what is necessary.....you are about to take another slice of that misery pie...…
I think that you need m ore help and support for yourself, than you will benefit from living with him, again.....
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'd say continue with the divorce.
If in two or three years he is still acting like a grown ass man (so highly unlikely) then you two can get remarried and live happily ever after.
He's had enough of your precious life. There are way worse things than being single. I'd far rather be single (and I have been for many years - and it's fantastic!!) than live the way you and your daughter have lived with this abusive man. I mean, being single rocks.
Why do you say the life of singleness is not for you? No one to yell at or to yell at you? Eating, sleeping, watching TV, cleaning, doing what you want when you want? Where's the drawback? I find plenty of sober friendly people to hang out with when I want to. I could not care less about sharing a bed with an abusive drunk.
If in two or three years he is still acting like a grown ass man (so highly unlikely) then you two can get remarried and live happily ever after.
He's had enough of your precious life. There are way worse things than being single. I'd far rather be single (and I have been for many years - and it's fantastic!!) than live the way you and your daughter have lived with this abusive man. I mean, being single rocks.
Why do you say the life of singleness is not for you? No one to yell at or to yell at you? Eating, sleeping, watching TV, cleaning, doing what you want when you want? Where's the drawback? I find plenty of sober friendly people to hang out with when I want to. I could not care less about sharing a bed with an abusive drunk.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
My AH solved his alcohol problem by dying. I didn't want to be single, either. I have to say though, that it was a relief to not have to deal with his moods, his drinking, the financial issues his drinking caused. My home became a respite from the world again, quiet and peaceful, if somewhat lonely. Lonely was better than being legally and morally bound to someone who isn't emotionally an adult, and unable to participate in a relationship.
I did find someone new. It took a while, about three years. I can now look back at the good times Late Husband and I did have. I don't dwell on it. If I could have told my 27-year-old self "He'll never outgrow the drinking" I don't know if my 27-year-old self would have listened. But once burned, twice shy. In dating during Chapter Two of my life, when I saw the red flags, I walked. I didn't keep on, getting more emotionally attached. The fellow smokes? Yeah, didn't want to deal with that again, either. Date anxious because the diner doesn't offer wine? buh-bye.
Current fellow has some physical handicaps to deal with, but he'd wade through a moat filled with alligators to bring me a glass of water. Maybe I'd never have met him if I hadn't married Late Husband first. Who knows? I'm doing the best I can with what I've got to work with.
I did find someone new. It took a while, about three years. I can now look back at the good times Late Husband and I did have. I don't dwell on it. If I could have told my 27-year-old self "He'll never outgrow the drinking" I don't know if my 27-year-old self would have listened. But once burned, twice shy. In dating during Chapter Two of my life, when I saw the red flags, I walked. I didn't keep on, getting more emotionally attached. The fellow smokes? Yeah, didn't want to deal with that again, either. Date anxious because the diner doesn't offer wine? buh-bye.
Current fellow has some physical handicaps to deal with, but he'd wade through a moat filled with alligators to bring me a glass of water. Maybe I'd never have met him if I hadn't married Late Husband first. Who knows? I'm doing the best I can with what I've got to work with.
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