confused2018

Below is a letter I plan on sending my ex fiancé of 6 years. We each had two kids from previous marriages, and just two dogs that we added. She is a high functions alcoholic, who was sober for a year, then started drinking again in October, and things have gone horribly downhill since. I’m looking for honest input about the context of this. In essence, it’s my way of saying I will not let her disease control my future any longer. My intent is to send it, wait a week or two, and then finalize our “end” (read personal belonging removal from the home, final financial division, etc.).



Hey, hope you are well.

Been spending some time thinking if I should write this or say it to you in person. Considering we agreed to no contact for 30 days, figured email is better. When we would have our morning coffee together, when we worked through the daily challenges together, played soccer or sat outside together talking, on the boat, eating dinner together and listening to the kids, there was so much to be happy about. You are an amazing mother, daughter, sister, and woman. Every day, through the emotional struggle and changes I have now, I find some more clarity. And then something comes to mind that sets off emotional triggers...."this too will pass" and "I can handle this" I say to myself. And it does pass, but it is still very real. I do know one thing that will not pass, that being the affects alcohol has had on our beautiful family. When I look back on our relationship, the overwhelming majority of our down times revolved around alcohol...either during the extreme consumption of, during the fog afterward, or during the recovery portion. That small time where a couple drinks were consumed was good, but that was a small part of the big picture. I have clarity that when 1 turned into more, as it usually did, problems were soon to follow. I held onto those beliefs about a couple drinks were good times, and tried to attribute the problems to something else when in as plain reality as can be seen, it was the alcohol. The disease is very real and does not go away, it wants you alone and desperate, to keep returning again and again...and it all starts with 1 drink. I have questioned if I am an alcoholic, and I don't know. I showed some of the noted symptoms while not showing others. You should know I am going to the meeting at ******** Wednesday morning at 8. I have come to accept that my role at the very least was as an enabler. I did everything in my power to reduce the stress and triggers that you could experience, if I could just keep things peaceful and low stress, things would be good again!!!. But I had no clue how controlling the disease is. I could not save you, or us, from the addiction, the disease. I have come to accept that alcoholism has ruined thousands of relationships that were thought to be impenetrable, like we did, yet here we are I don't know, nor do I need to know, where you are in your recovery, or if you are even sober again. I know that I don't want a life that involves alcohol and all of its hidden pain, suffering, lies, deceit, etc. I do not want to be controlled by alcohol, and I am realizing how sneaky and destructive it is. I acknowledge that will take a significant change in my belief of what is "normal". I have also accepted that what you do with your sobriety is for you to determine, that no one is responsible for your drinking except you...not me, work, money, stress, family, etc. Easier said than done, I assure you that, you were my partner in crime from the start of our relationship and short of this disease, we have tackled everything this world tried to destroy us with. I think of you often, and will always love you. You are not defined by the mistakes you make, rather how you respond to them. I have no idea what the future brings, but I do know I won't let things I can't control get in my way.

hopeful4

Why wait to finalize the "end" if that is what you want now? I say that b/c I ended up waiting...and waiting....until it was nasty and toxic. You don't have to justify to anyone except yourself why you are ready for this to end. Just the fact that you cannot deal with the risk that she may relapse even if she is sober is enough. Just not feeling right about it is enough.

Just the two cents of someone who waited...way too long!

MindfulMan

Great that you wrote this all out and got your thoughts clear.

What do you hope to accomplish by sending it?

endofmyrope65

confused;

As you can see by my screename I understand where you are coming from.
That was quite a painful letter to read. I can't imagine the pain you felt writing it. I have written that letter in my head many times.

Good luck to you. I hope she comes to her senses when she realizes what she is about to lose

confused2018

I have opted to wait a couple weeks for two reasons. One because we had agreed on a 30 day separation starting last Friday and two because while my mind and thoughts are of that letter, I also know that I have to be emotionally stable to follow through. By sending it, I am setting a plan in motion, and as the date approaches, I will become at peace with the decision. This all blew up since Thanksgiving, so I have not been holding on and waiting long, still very fresh and new. A friend who is a RA told me, there is no rush as long as you are removed, which I am now. Do it when your ready.

confused2018

MindfulMan - I knew this question was coming, and am not sure I know the answer. Of course there is a part of me that she is getting sober again, and maybe she decides we can work on it together under much different circumstances. However I also know that in her eyes, I am the cause of much of her issues, even though I am learning I was not (I was the bread winner, I was the one who kept the fort going with kids, etc.)So the letter is also a statement to her that she is not the one who controls this situation any longer, I am taking control back. The letter does not state "I am done", rather states that I am in control of my own life now, not you. I do know I do not want the life we had back, for it led us here. Would I entertain a life that took the good and brought in some new to replace the alcohol...yes. But I also recognize that is highly unlikely to happen.

alwayscovering

I'm so sorry for your pain. I've been there. I wrote several letters to AH, nothing changed.

This may sound harsh and I don't intend for it to....If you are done, then why not be done? I know you agreed to a separation but you're allowed to change your mind.

confused2018

Thank you alwayscovering.....

I hear ya there. I did respond to a similar question above, but it comes down to be being ready. This is my first step, drawing the line in the sand if you will, without saying I am done and gone. Just that I am taking control of my life, and not letting her have that control anymore. I suspect its just more of a personal mental statement, and I suspect it does nothing to her. I dunno, just really struggling....

hopeful4

Totally makes sense to me! You have to do things on your own time for sure!

alwayscovering

If you need to do it to get yourself ready, then I totally get it. I just didn't want you to think it would have any impact on her. It could, but doubtful, not unless she's ready to get help.

I struggle daily. My AH is sober, not voluntarily, and not working a program. I still do things that are inappropriate and I'm working on that.

Are you attending al anon or celebrate recovery or something similar? I find it helpful to attend these in person meetings.

Michsm

Sounds like a good way to get it off your chest. However, I wouldn’t expect an aha moment. Hope you are doing ok.

confused2018

You refer to the aha moment, and I do wonder, does that ever occur? I am told if they stick to a program and work it, its possible, but really depends on their own work. what is others experience with the aha moment???

Bekindalways

Hi confused, your letter seems fine to me.

Programs always advise setting boundaries and having a plan. It sounds like you are doing both. Fabulous. Although I'm sure it feels far far from fabulous.

I remember having a bit of an "aha moment" with my qualifier when he explained that he would quit but not seek help. This along with him telling me that he wasn't sure if he really wanted me to know him spelled the end for me. The future of the relationship seemed lonely and would likely involve addiction so I left.

However it took years before I humbled enough to realize I wasn't good for him either. It also took a long time for me to understand the concept of my side of the street. I still struggle with this.

Maybe Michsm meant an aha moment for the alcoholic? I might be confused here. I think the moment or rock bottom for an A is their business and they will figure it out, or not, in their own way.

May many many angels bombard you and your family as you go through these next months. They can be excruciating.

confused2018

BEKINDALWAYS - Thank you. I have begun to wonder if I am not good for her as well, but when you peal away the BS and look at the blocks of "us:" there is a lot of good, and we have similar many things for future ambitions and plans. I am curious what you mean by "my side of the street", can you expain that to me please?

I was referring to the A in the aha moment, and I do realize it usually happens with a hitting bottom scenario. As mentioned, she is currently (to the best I know, may be on the program again now) a high functioning alcoholic, but exhibits so many of that trait.... I wont lie and say she is gone no matter what, I would listen, but am starting to realize maybe its better to just walk. I do know that if I choose that, it will be a battle for $ and possessions, but if I go that route, I will be of a mindset that I am no longer at all concerned with taking her BS.

Thanks for the angels, when I read that I felt a blanket of joy come over me. Time is slow and lonely now, as my kids are now with their mother (not the woman I am writting about above, although has plenty of her own issues ).

Michsm

I meant the aha moment for the alcoholic. Highly unlikely she will read it and say, I don’t want to lose my partner so I will become sober. Which I am sure you know but it is easy to think that when we want the relationship to work out. It will be a rough couple of months but my best advice is to stay busy. Sounds like you can have a clean break as there were no common children involved.

Bekindalways

Hey Michsm, I don't think anything we do will really precipitate an "aha moment" for the A. Although you are sending my mind back to letters (I'm old and these were snail mail letter) I wrote to my A. I would write and rewrite trying to say the perfect thing . . . . yep, I was a bit delusional about what I could and couldn't change in this good old reality. I did eventually figure it out . . . . well, mostly.

Confused, your letter comes across as if you already have some understanding of "your side of the street." It is pretty much the idea that both alcoholics and the people in relationships with them have garbage to deal with. Each one has their own side of the street that they can clean up. No one can do anything about the others's side of the street.

Your A can make decisions about drinking. She may very well decide to never stop. This is her choice and as an adult she has every right to do this. If she decides to stop this is also her decision and how she goes about it will be up to her too.

On your side of the street, you get to decide what you can and can't live with. You could decide to continue to live with her or to break contact. You may also look into what drew you to this person in the first place. You can look deeply at this stuff and make changes if you want. Any changes you decide to make will probably take time specially if you end the relationship. You will need to grieve and heal before you can move on in a healthy way.

Someone else here might explain this concept better but it is pretty much the Serenity Prayer said in a different way.

May 2019 bring you clarity, healing and peace!

velma929

I'm so sorry for your pain. It's a great letter; clear, reasoned sentiments that one may hear at an intervention. I doubt very much that it will prompt an active alcoholic to change, if that's your hope.

If a partner and I had decided on 30 days no contact, and he broke that and reached out to me in any manner, I would interpret that as me still having the upper hand. Maybe I don't have a clear idea of the timeline.

HoldOnLoosely

It's a good letter, Confused. Addiction is damaging to relationships and your letter shows the way it tore apart your relationship and the destruction it left in its path. It's a shame you have to go through the experience of alcoholism.

Perhaps, in a couple of weeks, you'll find it not necessary to send it since it was a way for you to work through everything? I would say - it's your decision to give the letter to her or not - but I would lower any expectations and hope...if there are any. It's likely you'll not get the answer you're looking for.

Have you thought through the possibilities of her responses to the letter? The silent treatment (no response), defensiveness/rationalizations/blame, or receptiveness? There are a myriad of responses and, sometimes, depending on the response, it's one more blow to us. Unfortunately, I speak from experience.

Take back your life in your own way. I'm sure she'll sense it with or without a letter from you, but I truly understand the wish to give it to her. Been there, done that...many times...so I get it. But, I cannot say it did me any good sometimes.

I wish you didn't have to go through all of the heartache. Take care of yourself. It looks like you've given yourself some time to think everything through. Clarity will come...and your answers will too.

confused2018

Velma929 - Ironically, I was holding onto that letter, and revising it in the process. She texted me at midnight last night, wishing me a HNY. I responded the same. I sent a revised simpler (sometimes saying less is more) in a text this morning, and it did open up some discussion. I kept it short. I am healing and moving forward, with or without her.

Thank you for your words of encouragement and heart felt words everyone, they give me strength and help me through the tough times...