Need coping skills!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: Newfoundland Canada
Posts: 25
Need coping skills!
No, I am not thinking of leaving him. I love him and, when he's not had too much to drink, he is such a lovely man. I just really need to find some coping skills.
We married 5 years ago. I met him on an art website online. There was a private messaging feature. He admired my artwork, and I his, and the relationship grew from there. We dated 1 1/2 years before marrying.
2 years into the marriage, I suffered a stroke. Paralyzing my right side. Through physical therapy I can walk with help, but still unable to use my hand/arm. Hubs is my caregiver and he does that very well.
I have to depend on him to take me anywhere as I can no longer drive. Hence, I can't go to any support meetings. I'll have to do it online.
He drinks over 1/2 liter bottle of rum everyday starting at 10am. By 3pm, he's pretty toasted. He'll confront me on silly stuff -- blows things out of proportion. Call me "delusional, nag" etc.
He is retired from teaching and was/is well-respected in the community. When he was teaching, he was a 'functional alcoholic'. No one knew but his closest friends.
When he starts getting irrational, I either stay quiet or yell at him. He usually doesn't remember everything the next morning.
I just would like some advice, coping skills, to help me.
We married 5 years ago. I met him on an art website online. There was a private messaging feature. He admired my artwork, and I his, and the relationship grew from there. We dated 1 1/2 years before marrying.
2 years into the marriage, I suffered a stroke. Paralyzing my right side. Through physical therapy I can walk with help, but still unable to use my hand/arm. Hubs is my caregiver and he does that very well.
I have to depend on him to take me anywhere as I can no longer drive. Hence, I can't go to any support meetings. I'll have to do it online.
He drinks over 1/2 liter bottle of rum everyday starting at 10am. By 3pm, he's pretty toasted. He'll confront me on silly stuff -- blows things out of proportion. Call me "delusional, nag" etc.
He is retired from teaching and was/is well-respected in the community. When he was teaching, he was a 'functional alcoholic'. No one knew but his closest friends.
When he starts getting irrational, I either stay quiet or yell at him. He usually doesn't remember everything the next morning.
I just would like some advice, coping skills, to help me.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Hi Benni, Are there any services that can provide a ride for you to get to meetings or other appointments? That might give you the freedom to seek help from a group or a therapist, without depending on him for a ride. Honestly, I’m kind of worried about you riding in a car with him.
There are also online counselors and groups that you might engage in that can also help with you need to develop coping skills and become more independent from the A.
I wish you all the best.
There are also online counselors and groups that you might engage in that can also help with you need to develop coping skills and become more independent from the A.
I wish you all the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: Newfoundland Canada
Posts: 25
No there aren't. This is a tiny town of only 2500. No worries about his driving. He does all the errands/appointments before 10am, he does not drive drunk.
Could you give me the name of some sites that do that, please?
Could you give me the name of some sites that do that, please?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,001
Benni, this sounds just brutal and with your physical situation, you are pretty trapped. I'm glad you found us and hope we can provide at least a bit of support for you.
You have probably been through lots of the ideas we might suggest. I'm wondering if you could talk to a social service worker at your local hospital or call someone in Alanon in a nearby town . . . .but I'm also thinking you have already done this. Ugh.
You have probably been through lots of the ideas we might suggest. I'm wondering if you could talk to a social service worker at your local hospital or call someone in Alanon in a nearby town . . . .but I'm also thinking you have already done this. Ugh.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I encourage you to seek out Celebrate Recovery if there is one near you. You can search on the web and see if there is one near you. Much like Alanon however for anyone with any hurts, habits, or hangups. Many times there is someone there willing to give you a ride. Also, is it possible he may want to attend with you? Men go with men, women with women in the small groups. Just a thought??
Sending you lots of support! SR is a place of great support, you will get a lot out of this site if you want to.
Sending you lots of support! SR is a place of great support, you will get a lot out of this site if you want to.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
What kinds of things specifically are you trying to find solutions for? Coping with...?
I mean, if you're determined to stay with a drinking alcoholic I would think it's going to be about finding ways to get away from him when he's being difficult. He's going to be difficult.
Can you set up a place in your house where either he or you can go when he's drinking so that you don't have to be around it? A man cave? A bathroom retreat? A sewing (or hobbies) room? Separate bedrooms with your own TV, phone, and computer?
I mean, if you're determined to stay with a drinking alcoholic I would think it's going to be about finding ways to get away from him when he's being difficult. He's going to be difficult.
Can you set up a place in your house where either he or you can go when he's drinking so that you don't have to be around it? A man cave? A bathroom retreat? A sewing (or hobbies) room? Separate bedrooms with your own TV, phone, and computer?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: Newfoundland Canada
Posts: 25
Thank you guys but, yes, I've thought about all of your ideas/suggestions. Yes, I'm pretty well trapped here. I'm thinking about marriage counseling, he might go for that since I'd be doing something that will help both of us.
He believes Alanon, etc. , is a way to change him and he says he doesn't need to change.
A few weeks ago, he drank less than usual for 3 days. It was like having my man back. I even started tingling with those first "I love him" feelings you get when you first fall in love. I praised him for a wonderful day each day. Did no good whatsoever .
He believes Alanon, etc. , is a way to change him and he says he doesn't need to change.
A few weeks ago, he drank less than usual for 3 days. It was like having my man back. I even started tingling with those first "I love him" feelings you get when you first fall in love. I praised him for a wonderful day each day. Did no good whatsoever .
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm sorry, Benni. Alcoholism is progressive; left untreated, this is likely going to be as good as it will ever get, and the potential for it to get worse is unlimited.
There is nothing you can do or say--no positive or negative reinforcement--that will change the behavior of an addict who is not ready for recovery. He has told you point blank that he doesn't need to change. You have a problem with his drinking, but he does not. You are better off pouring that energy and affection into whatever you can do to take care of and protect yourself. Engaging with an active addict is pointless. Detachment will be your friend here.
As for marriage counseling--many counselors simply won't engage with someone who is in active addiction. There's very little point to it. But face to face counseling and support for YOU could make a huge difference in your life.
There is nothing you can do or say--no positive or negative reinforcement--that will change the behavior of an addict who is not ready for recovery. He has told you point blank that he doesn't need to change. You have a problem with his drinking, but he does not. You are better off pouring that energy and affection into whatever you can do to take care of and protect yourself. Engaging with an active addict is pointless. Detachment will be your friend here.
As for marriage counseling--many counselors simply won't engage with someone who is in active addiction. There's very little point to it. But face to face counseling and support for YOU could make a huge difference in your life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Please read the book, "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
It can be borrowed from a library, purchased online or downloaded to an e-reader like a kindle.
This book helped me understand and "cope" with the alcoholics in my life. More importantly, it taught me how to look after my own best interests and stop obsessing about the drunk(s) I could not change.
Your husband is right, he does not need to change. It is his adult right to drink himself stupid. It is also your right not to like what it does to him and by extension, yourself. I am glad you are reaching out to find solutions. I hope we can help you find some peace in your situation.
It can be borrowed from a library, purchased online or downloaded to an e-reader like a kindle.
This book helped me understand and "cope" with the alcoholics in my life. More importantly, it taught me how to look after my own best interests and stop obsessing about the drunk(s) I could not change.
Your husband is right, he does not need to change. It is his adult right to drink himself stupid. It is also your right not to like what it does to him and by extension, yourself. I am glad you are reaching out to find solutions. I hope we can help you find some peace in your situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: Newfoundland Canada
Posts: 25
I meant the marriage counseling for both of us, you may be right about only me getting counseling. It will help me to be able to finally talk about this to someone.
I'm searching for that book right now. Thank you!
I'm searching for that book right now. Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Benni 
I meant the marriage counseling for both of us, you may be right about only me getting counseling.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,001
Originally Posted by Benni
He believes Alanon, etc. , is a way to change him and he says he doesn't need to change.
.
There may be online Alanon meetings that you could attend. These meetings help those of us who are in relationships with alcoholics. It teaches detachment and boundaries. It could be helpful for you.
Have you been able to get away from him at all when he is drinking? Even to another room?
And I have to reiterate what others have said: this will most likely get worse with time as alcoholism is progressive.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: Newfoundland Canada
Posts: 25
I know the difference between AlAnon and AA, thank you.
Yes, I can go to our bedroom. He usually goes in there first.
I read up on co-dependency. I am not that. I'm very strong emotionally, and very independent. I'm just physically weak. The stroke didn't affect my cognitive abilities at all.
Yes, I can go to our bedroom. He usually goes in there first.
I read up on co-dependency. I am not that. I'm very strong emotionally, and very independent. I'm just physically weak. The stroke didn't affect my cognitive abilities at all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,547
When my late husband was drunk, he was itching for a fight sometimes. One perfect example was the time he mentioned selling a truck we had, which we hardly ever used. I agreed with him about selling it, and suddenly we're in an argument with him saying I wasn't going to force him to do anything.
I found the best thing to do with a drunk is to not engage. My husband didn't ask questions or engage in meaningful conversation. By the time he'd had enough to drink, he was down to random comments. I responded with, "uh huh" and "Mm-hmmm." We could go days without having a conversation. My husband never noticed.
I found the best thing to do with a drunk is to not engage. My husband didn't ask questions or engage in meaningful conversation. By the time he'd had enough to drink, he was down to random comments. I responded with, "uh huh" and "Mm-hmmm." We could go days without having a conversation. My husband never noticed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: Newfoundland Canada
Posts: 25
I find it so hard to not engage. I am upset/angry! It's very hard not to say something to him. I don't know how to keep quiet when he's so outrageous!
I was always taught to not hold your anger in, unhealthy.
I was always taught to not hold your anger in, unhealthy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Benni, the caregiver/caretaker roles are frought with their own
difficulties, then to add alcholism on top is going to be very
unmanageable at some point.
Who would you be relying on right now if you had never married?
Do you have any family or are there any assistance programs
to help you in the home?
The absolute best possible outcome for your future happiness
is to build a support system for your needs so that your husband
is not your sole caretaker. He will not be able to be depended on
for this - alcoholism is progressive and with the caretaker role
on top- it is simply not going to go well so you must plan ahead.
And the alanon program, please find a way to start attending as though your life depended on it. It does.
Best wishes to you.
difficulties, then to add alcholism on top is going to be very
unmanageable at some point.
Who would you be relying on right now if you had never married?
Do you have any family or are there any assistance programs
to help you in the home?
The absolute best possible outcome for your future happiness
is to build a support system for your needs so that your husband
is not your sole caretaker. He will not be able to be depended on
for this - alcoholism is progressive and with the caretaker role
on top- it is simply not going to go well so you must plan ahead.
And the alanon program, please find a way to start attending as though your life depended on it. It does.
Best wishes to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: Newfoundland Canada
Posts: 25
My family lives in the USA. I can't afford to go there, I can't travel easily anyway. I have friends here but none are retired yet, so wouldn't have the time. Assisted home care is very expensive.
He's all I really have.
He's all I really have.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"I'm very strong emotionally, and very independent. "
Good! Use this to build your support system Benni!
I hope you can brainstorm this and figure out some
way to get help. Please consider you may need to
ask family for help getting home at some point.
BTW I have seen very fragile people traveling in
airports- all the airlines provide wheel chairs and
assistance in the US.
Good! Use this to build your support system Benni!
I hope you can brainstorm this and figure out some
way to get help. Please consider you may need to
ask family for help getting home at some point.
BTW I have seen very fragile people traveling in
airports- all the airlines provide wheel chairs and
assistance in the US.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,547
"I was always taught to not hold your anger in, unhealthy."
You're right, you do need to find other outlets.
After a while, I wasn't angry, as a matter of fact. I viewed it as sort of a sociological experiment: what would I do that would cause the least reaction. Would he notice I wasn't talking to him? What did improve his mood, and what set him off? I just kept my mind busy without interacting with him while he was drunk.
It is customary, when asking for help, to accept the experiences given without criticizing them. Of course, anyone is free to ignore what they don't feel is relevant, but criticizing every suggestion will mean some people will no longer waste their time answering.
You're right, you do need to find other outlets.
After a while, I wasn't angry, as a matter of fact. I viewed it as sort of a sociological experiment: what would I do that would cause the least reaction. Would he notice I wasn't talking to him? What did improve his mood, and what set him off? I just kept my mind busy without interacting with him while he was drunk.
It is customary, when asking for help, to accept the experiences given without criticizing them. Of course, anyone is free to ignore what they don't feel is relevant, but criticizing every suggestion will mean some people will no longer waste their time answering.
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