hummingbird358

If you have a loved one in recovery, how long was until you seen a change? Until the loved one seemed to realize and appreciate all you have done for them? Until they stand on their own two feet and stop asking for help with bills?

Mango212

Until the loved one seemed to realize and appreciate all you have done for them?

My perspective has changed. I now realize and appreciate what I do for myself. This is enough.

Until they stand on their own two feet and stop asking for help with bills?

"No." can be a complete sentence. As it's used, things change.

trailmix

Hi hummingbird. I don't think anyone can answer that. Some people never change and some do.

Is your Son actually still not drinking?

I have found with people (non-addicts) that they stop asking you for money as soon as you tell them you aren't giving them any more.

hummingbird358

He is in sober living and IOP so they drug test. I do believe with that he is not drinking otherwise he would be discharged and has no place to go then.

Hawkeye13

Keep saying no, and maybe get specific by telling him what you told us--
that you expect him to stand on his own two feet?

That is a reasonable expectation for an adult, after all . . .

NYCDoglvr

As a recovering alcoholic it wasn't that hard to get my professional life back in shape but I started out self-sufficient. It takes years to change some behaviors, even decades. Some things are easier than others. It's too broad a question to answer, we're all different.

Wamama48

Recovery is so different for every single person. Some RA hit the ground running, and some need a lot more time to just hit the ground. My RAH took responsibility for what he did right away, I've never heard an excuse from him. But he couldn't even do work around the house, fixing things. He was in a deep depression for 8 months, he was confused and his thinking and decision making skills were almost non existant . He couldn't pay the bills, help with the house or kids. The little energy did have was spent on going to AA and working on sobriety.

My sister says she's going to AA for the past month. She says her family hates her and that's why she drank, we need to support her because she's one drink away from active drinking. Big contrast in attitude between two people. Two people working their program their own personal way.

When will your son stop asking for help to pay the bills, or stop making excuses? It might take you making a complete sentence out of the word NO. I'm not throwing that out there easily. I had to do that same thing with several alcoholics in my life. Not my child, that would make it even harder, but with close family.

But you know what? It felt good to know it wasn't my responsibility if they sank or started swimming. It's a huge load off your shoulders to hand them back what never belonged to you in the first place. It's THEIR recovery, how they work for it is theirs to figure out.

Your son has other people around to help him, it's ok to hand over all those things that belong to him. You deserve a break, you deserve to have that weight lifted, you deserve some happiness! Only you can can make it happen.

Seren

I would take this with a huge grain of salt, but I've read that after a year of continuous sobriety, what you get is what you get. In other words, at that point, the RAs basic personality is what is left without the effects of alcohol.

hummingbird358

Loved one is in a sober living home. Working. Says the other parents pay for their adult childs stay at the sober living home. I feel since prior to this there was apartment rent this makes it no different so why should I help. AS is on our health insurance and we agreed to pay the Out of Network copay of $5000 for the IOP and are still paying on last years IOP that was out of network and didn't follow through with....
I find out through social media that AS is getting tattoos/piercings but yet says may not have enough to pay the rent. I am told not to shame or guilt them. I hate to bring up "If you are getting tattoos/piercins, then you should have money for the rent" because I feel that will set AS off... if leaves sober living, will be homeless unless he uses his CC for hotel rooms... Doesn't live near us so wouldn't be an option.
Feels like AS doesn't care at all about the financial situation this entire disease has put us in.
I guess saying "We are done" is easier said than done.

trailmix

No need to mention the tattoos etc. Can you just say I'm sorry, we don't have any more money to give you.

He has a month to get his rent for next month correct? Is there any reason he can't work?

atalose

I don’t mean this in a mean way by any means, but he doesn’t have to care about finances because his parents keep putting out the money. He didn’t follow through with the last paid IOP yet you put out money for another one. So with that financial burden off his plate it makes room for things like tattoos and piercings and no room to grow into mature financial ability.

I don’t think it has to be as harsh as “we are done” but more like an adult to an adult statement (not conversation) simply saying after x date we can no longer financially support you. If he attempts to argue or more likely manipulate you using his disease/relapse threat simply say, you will have to look into social services, Medicaid and things of that nature that can help you and get off the phone.

hopeful4

Recovery is looking at one's SELF. Clearly he is busy looking at what others are receiving.

It seems as though you have to walk on egg shells to say what you feel. That is not good. Maybe no contact for a while, or very, very limited, would be best.

Just my two cents.

Big hugs!

hummingbird358

He works full time. For 4 weeks or so he was collecting short term disability which paid 60% of his wages so he is short on cash so he says. Prior to getting into recovery again, he blew through a lot of his savings on cocaine and booze.
Tonight he said how much he has to pay to go to the doctor and how much the uber will be to get there, etc. (He doesn't have a car). I text him that everyone has to pay for things they don't want to. It is life.
Then I get that he thinks he is quitting IOP at this place.... I told him how much it is costing me, etc. I am not sure if they will allow him to live where he is if he isn't doing their IOP. Said the first 2 weeks were really good and then it changed and now he doesn't like it. I told him to talk to them about it and reminded him the last time he quit an IOP he regretted it the following day.

SmallButMighty

I see you posted this same info in both your current threads. It is important.

Do you see the manipulation there hummingbird?

You say "no" and he basically says well if you don't pay I'm going to leave... knowing that will scare the crap out of you and hopefully you'll come up with the money.

Your son may straight/sober but that doesn't sound like recovery to me.

He is still making bad choices and trying to manipulate you. He wants an easy quick fix and he wants someone else to pay for it. That isn't what recovery is or how it works. He may not be ready to do the hard work it takes quite yet. I hope I am wrong.

I hope you are doing things to look after your own health. This has to be extremely draining for you.

hopeful4

He sounds like he is being a spoiled mess if you want the truth. If he does not truly want recovery, he won't recover. You will be wasting all of your money at that point.

Many, many people don't have his resources and have to source whatever free help with recovery they can. They still manage, and that is because THEY WANT IT. You cannot not make him want it, that is up to him.

I say this gently and with kindness because I know it's painful and scary.

Huge hugs.

BriarSkye

Truth is you can't believe much of what they say, for good reason.
Alcoholics/addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages.
Just because they are taking steps in early recovery
doesn't mean they have any credibility yet.
It takes years, not days, weeks or even months.