Christmas was ruined
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 3
Christmas was ruined
I have been hesitant to discuss what has happened this past week, and actually the past few months if I’m to be truly honest. But everything has come to a head. In a way, I’m still in a state of shock.
Christmas Eve, my ABF was on day three of a using/drinking bender. I was expecting my adult children, their gf and fiancé, and one year old granddaughter over that night. I was trying to keep things together. Finish w food and gifts and cleaning the house. All while he used sharp tones and was leaving a trail of mess and chaos all over the house. That morning I asked him to please not use or drink today. Didn’t matter what I said. He was spiraling and out of control.
After opening gifts, I was in the kitchen cleaning up. ABF was splashing water at the sink and I asked him to stop. He told me, and loud enough for the people in the living room to hear, to Quit my Whining! And “R-E-L-A-X...relax!!!” My kids overheard. My oldest son who is 22, waited until I was alone in the kitchen, and came into the kitchen shaking. With anger. Said he would not allow me to be talked to like that and ABF needs to leave and not come back. I agreed. He calmly helped the alcoholic get his Jeep started..One reason I had been hold up w him all weekend aside the fact he was continually loaded. They came in from outside. I asked ABF to leave. He cocked off. My son yelled. ABF called my son a loser. By now everyone expect me was yelling. I was in shock of what was happening. He left. The kids locked the door behind him. He knocked on the door. We didn’t answer it. He left.
I got two snarky messages during the week. Of which I did not reply. An apology came yesterday. I knew it would. It’s unbelievable to me how I can still care for this person who ruined our Christmas. Insulted my kids. I know he is a sick person. His apology came with an acknowledgement that he needs to quit drinking. When I met him he was not drinking. I had no idea how out of control he could get, or how sick he is.
Since all of this, my sons fiancé gave me an ultimatum. That if I were to continue to talk to or see ABF, then they will not be bring my granddaughter around. Understandable. What I told her is not to worry. But that there may be closure yet that needs to occur.
I welcome any advice and feedback. Thanks for letting me tell my story.
Christmas Eve, my ABF was on day three of a using/drinking bender. I was expecting my adult children, their gf and fiancé, and one year old granddaughter over that night. I was trying to keep things together. Finish w food and gifts and cleaning the house. All while he used sharp tones and was leaving a trail of mess and chaos all over the house. That morning I asked him to please not use or drink today. Didn’t matter what I said. He was spiraling and out of control.
After opening gifts, I was in the kitchen cleaning up. ABF was splashing water at the sink and I asked him to stop. He told me, and loud enough for the people in the living room to hear, to Quit my Whining! And “R-E-L-A-X...relax!!!” My kids overheard. My oldest son who is 22, waited until I was alone in the kitchen, and came into the kitchen shaking. With anger. Said he would not allow me to be talked to like that and ABF needs to leave and not come back. I agreed. He calmly helped the alcoholic get his Jeep started..One reason I had been hold up w him all weekend aside the fact he was continually loaded. They came in from outside. I asked ABF to leave. He cocked off. My son yelled. ABF called my son a loser. By now everyone expect me was yelling. I was in shock of what was happening. He left. The kids locked the door behind him. He knocked on the door. We didn’t answer it. He left.
I got two snarky messages during the week. Of which I did not reply. An apology came yesterday. I knew it would. It’s unbelievable to me how I can still care for this person who ruined our Christmas. Insulted my kids. I know he is a sick person. His apology came with an acknowledgement that he needs to quit drinking. When I met him he was not drinking. I had no idea how out of control he could get, or how sick he is.
Since all of this, my sons fiancé gave me an ultimatum. That if I were to continue to talk to or see ABF, then they will not be bring my granddaughter around. Understandable. What I told her is not to worry. But that there may be closure yet that needs to occur.
I welcome any advice and feedback. Thanks for letting me tell my story.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
What kind of closure are you looking for?
In my personal experience, closure is something only I can give myself.
I understand the desire to sort of formally "wrap things up" with your ABF, but you admit you are feeling vulnerable right now. If you were an alcoholic who wanted to stop drinking, you wouldn't want to hang out in a bar. This is sort of the same thing.
Some time and distance away from him could give you some perspective, and go a long way towards helping restore your childrens' trust, and that of the mother of your grandchild.
Knowing he needs to quit drinking is about a million miles from recovering from alcoholism.
I'm sorry he was such a jerk to you at Christmas. But I'm glad you have kids who are looking out and willing to go to bat for you.
In my personal experience, closure is something only I can give myself.
I understand the desire to sort of formally "wrap things up" with your ABF, but you admit you are feeling vulnerable right now. If you were an alcoholic who wanted to stop drinking, you wouldn't want to hang out in a bar. This is sort of the same thing.
Some time and distance away from him could give you some perspective, and go a long way towards helping restore your childrens' trust, and that of the mother of your grandchild.
Knowing he needs to quit drinking is about a million miles from recovering from alcoholism.
I'm sorry he was such a jerk to you at Christmas. But I'm glad you have kids who are looking out and willing to go to bat for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
I’m sorry that your Christmas was ruined and, like Sparkle, I’m glad that you have family that is there to look out for you. They seem to be good at setting boundaries.
A lot of us have had your Christmas—I had it last year. And so I’m going to encourage you, very strongly, to walk away now and don’t worry about the closure. He’s not going to admit he was wrong and he’s not going to stop drinking. In fact, the reality is that things are probably going to get a lot worse.
I wish I would have walked away instead of believing that I could “help” him. Truth is, they mostly don’t want to be helped.
Best to you.
A lot of us have had your Christmas—I had it last year. And so I’m going to encourage you, very strongly, to walk away now and don’t worry about the closure. He’s not going to admit he was wrong and he’s not going to stop drinking. In fact, the reality is that things are probably going to get a lot worse.
I wish I would have walked away instead of believing that I could “help” him. Truth is, they mostly don’t want to be helped.
Best to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 3
I think you are correct in saying that closure is something I need to work through for myself. It feels like it will take time...
I’m just so sad. To see someone you care about unable to see how much harm they are causing themselves and those around them. To know the deep regret they will have some day if ever recovery and sobriety becomes their decision. And new way of life. I know not to let this cloud my decision to end things. It’s just very hard to do the right thing. I cannot and will not jeopardize the relationship with the rest of my family. I feel as if I’ve tried to do the best everyone through all of this. My kids are awesome. I am so blessed.
I’m just so sad. To see someone you care about unable to see how much harm they are causing themselves and those around them. To know the deep regret they will have some day if ever recovery and sobriety becomes their decision. And new way of life. I know not to let this cloud my decision to end things. It’s just very hard to do the right thing. I cannot and will not jeopardize the relationship with the rest of my family. I feel as if I’ve tried to do the best everyone through all of this. My kids are awesome. I am so blessed.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Snick......I am sure that this experience must have cut you, deeply....
I know, myself, how devastating it can feel when an alcoholic crushes a holiday event or get together.....
I, also know that just because they may issue some sort of apology or some words of regret or sorrow, later, that is no indication that it will not happen again.....even if they say the "magic " words----"I know I need to quit drinking".
Actually, they come to learn that those are the magic "get out of jail" words....
They learn that this is how to calm us down, and fill us with some hope that will keep us in the status quo. To their advantage.
Once that first drink is taken....their judgement is off....and, one is not enough.....a drunk is capable of the most despicable behavior....and, often, will not even remember most or any of what actually happened. Due to their drunken state and distorted mind and memory loss...they, usually don't suffer the same consequences that we do.....they are insulated from the pain by their distorted mind--from the alcohol...their denial....and black-out memory loss....
thus...they will do it every time...…
Yes, you may care for him...but, you don't have to stop caring.....but, you can stop him from hurting you, by caring for him from a Distance.
You can't expect him to care for you...that is too much to expect from an alcoholic--because they are not capable of it, unless they get into real, life-long recovery....
It is your responsibility to care for yourself and your loved ones...and protect yourselves from his drinking.....
I am impressed by how your family came to your defence…..they must really love you.....
they are only trying to protect the granddaughter.....as they should....
I don't think they have the right to tell you not to talk or see your boyfriend...as you are an adult, and you can make your own choices......but, It is her right not to bring her around him and shield her from such behavior.....
You make your choices, and reap the consequences...good or bad.
She makes her choices.....and reaps the same
Your boyfriend makes his choices...and reaps the consequences....
Your choices and boundaries are the o nly ones, ultimately, that you have any control over...…
tough reality, I know...but, that is the way it is for all of us....
I know, myself, how devastating it can feel when an alcoholic crushes a holiday event or get together.....
I, also know that just because they may issue some sort of apology or some words of regret or sorrow, later, that is no indication that it will not happen again.....even if they say the "magic " words----"I know I need to quit drinking".
Actually, they come to learn that those are the magic "get out of jail" words....
They learn that this is how to calm us down, and fill us with some hope that will keep us in the status quo. To their advantage.
Once that first drink is taken....their judgement is off....and, one is not enough.....a drunk is capable of the most despicable behavior....and, often, will not even remember most or any of what actually happened. Due to their drunken state and distorted mind and memory loss...they, usually don't suffer the same consequences that we do.....they are insulated from the pain by their distorted mind--from the alcohol...their denial....and black-out memory loss....
thus...they will do it every time...…
Yes, you may care for him...but, you don't have to stop caring.....but, you can stop him from hurting you, by caring for him from a Distance.
You can't expect him to care for you...that is too much to expect from an alcoholic--because they are not capable of it, unless they get into real, life-long recovery....
It is your responsibility to care for yourself and your loved ones...and protect yourselves from his drinking.....
I am impressed by how your family came to your defence…..they must really love you.....
they are only trying to protect the granddaughter.....as they should....
I don't think they have the right to tell you not to talk or see your boyfriend...as you are an adult, and you can make your own choices......but, It is her right not to bring her around him and shield her from such behavior.....
You make your choices, and reap the consequences...good or bad.
She makes her choices.....and reaps the same
Your boyfriend makes his choices...and reaps the consequences....
Your choices and boundaries are the o nly ones, ultimately, that you have any control over...…
tough reality, I know...but, that is the way it is for all of us....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Snick......I just read you last post...the one just before mine....
I do get how sad it is....and, that you feel really bad....especially when you do care for him.....
Please know that you will go through a period of necessary grieving....there will be no way around it. And it IS painful...one of life's most painful experiences. We morn all significant loss...or loss of significant dreams...
I call it the short-term pain, for the long-term gain....
Sooo many people cling to relationships that are very damaging to themselves, because they are afraid to face the short-term pain.....so, what they end up doing, is to opt for the long-term pain....which goes on forever, and gets even worse....
You sound like a really nice and caring person...who raised some good kids...
Please don't let this happen to you.....
I do get how sad it is....and, that you feel really bad....especially when you do care for him.....
Please know that you will go through a period of necessary grieving....there will be no way around it. And it IS painful...one of life's most painful experiences. We morn all significant loss...or loss of significant dreams...
I call it the short-term pain, for the long-term gain....
Sooo many people cling to relationships that are very damaging to themselves, because they are afraid to face the short-term pain.....so, what they end up doing, is to opt for the long-term pain....which goes on forever, and gets even worse....
You sound like a really nice and caring person...who raised some good kids...
Please don't let this happen to you.....
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
You can love someone deeply, and that doesn't make the person the *right* person, for you.
I met "Jerry" at my last job. Jerry has a heart of gold. He believes in Jesus as his savior. He respects his fellow human beings and does his best to treat others the way he'd like to be treated. He also drinks heavily, sometimes not working for months.
Jerry's also gay, and at least twelve years younger than I. It doesn't really matter, though. Once there's one deal breaker, the rest doesn't matter.
It doesn't change the fact that I still love Jerry, obviously not in a romantic way. Our friends can make lifestyle choices that don't affect us. Our partner's choices affect us daily.
I met "Jerry" at my last job. Jerry has a heart of gold. He believes in Jesus as his savior. He respects his fellow human beings and does his best to treat others the way he'd like to be treated. He also drinks heavily, sometimes not working for months.
Jerry's also gay, and at least twelve years younger than I. It doesn't really matter, though. Once there's one deal breaker, the rest doesn't matter.
It doesn't change the fact that I still love Jerry, obviously not in a romantic way. Our friends can make lifestyle choices that don't affect us. Our partner's choices affect us daily.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by dandylion 
I don't think they have the right to tell you not to talk or see your boyfriend...as you are an adult, and you can make your own choices......but, It is her right not to bring her around him and shield her from such behavior.....
I quoted dandylion above, because I actually found this part of your post disturbing.
People will do what they will, be that the alcoholic or your family (one has your best interests at heart, one has his own interests at heart).
While your family is coming at this from a place of love and concern for you and for themselves, no one gets to tell you how to live your life, not the alcoholic, not your son and not his fiancee.
They have a right to make any rules and boundaries they like, that is for sure, what they don't have the right to do is tell you what you are going to do. Time to set up some boundaries perhaps?
I say this because going forward it will be of huge benefit to you if they know where you stand.
While I completely understand them not wanting to have your grandchild around the alcoholic I don't understand them using this to decide what you should be doing with your life (when they are not around).
It's a bad precedent.
You might find this post interesting:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oundaries.html (So what ARE Boundaries?)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 293
Oh Snick, that is terrible. The Christmas's we remember shouldn't be the crappy ones.
As hard as it is for you it will be a lot harder for him. You have a family that supports you and loves you. You have a healthy headspace that will help you make the best decision for yourself and family.
He has a boatload of crap that he is bringing on himself with his drinking that he is not addressing. He is just passing out/blacking out, coming to and so filled with hideous shame that he starts all over again.
He cannot quit for you. He HAS to quit for himself.
Take distance and look into the wonderful resource called al anon. This will help you see what you are up against. It is not pretty but at least you will not feel so alone in your struggles with him.
As hard as it is for you it will be a lot harder for him. You have a family that supports you and loves you. You have a healthy headspace that will help you make the best decision for yourself and family.
He has a boatload of crap that he is bringing on himself with his drinking that he is not addressing. He is just passing out/blacking out, coming to and so filled with hideous shame that he starts all over again.
He cannot quit for you. He HAS to quit for himself.
Take distance and look into the wonderful resource called al anon. This will help you see what you are up against. It is not pretty but at least you will not feel so alone in your struggles with him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
How painful, a truly awful Christmas. Forget closure, it doesn't exist: we choose to let stuff go or walk around letting someone live rent-free in our heads. He sounds like a typical alcoholic to me and I wouldn't have expected anything else. You have a choice now: go on with this high level of chaos or let go and build a new life. Alanon can be a huge help and support in not making the same mistake again.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Snick it sounds like your family have made their own decisions, independent of you. You now have to decide who you go with, and you seem to have already done so.
I know it's hard to break with someone you care for, because you've formed an attachment. Added to that, he's doing the apology, I promise I'll get treatment thing. I'm sure he is sorry, but recovery is long difficult process, not a bunch of promises.
It will be hard for you as well if you so stop seeing him, but look after yourself and have your own plan for recovery.
I know it's hard to break with someone you care for, because you've formed an attachment. Added to that, he's doing the apology, I promise I'll get treatment thing. I'm sure he is sorry, but recovery is long difficult process, not a bunch of promises.
It will be hard for you as well if you so stop seeing him, but look after yourself and have your own plan for recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 3
I appreciate you all so very much. What I hadn’t shared, and maybe it has something to do with his using/drinking...maybe nothing at all, is that we miscarried back in October. I’m still grieving. I don’t think he has let himself grieve. Men handle things differently. I’m not making excuses for his behavior. But I don’t think it helped matters.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sure you are right. HOWEVER...what I will tell you with addiction is that it will always be something. For my XAH it was death, change of seasons, change of jobs, being bored, you name it. The list goes on and on. I can only say that addiction does progress. I just watched my children be so hurt just a few days ago by their addict father. There is nothing more tragic than that.
Until he chooses to be sober, and is willing to work for it, every single day, for the rest of his life, he won't be sober. It's a big commitment not many are willing to make.
I am so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have not had a chance to grieve either, and this cannot help. Sending you huge hugs and lots of support. You are not alone!
Until he chooses to be sober, and is willing to work for it, every single day, for the rest of his life, he won't be sober. It's a big commitment not many are willing to make.
I am so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have not had a chance to grieve either, and this cannot help. Sending you huge hugs and lots of support. You are not alone!
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