Questions for experienced recovered (in recovery) alcoholics.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Questions for experienced recovered (in recovery) alcoholics.
Hey everyone!
So, I think this is the first time that I am so active in here, but I'm having a lot of doubts.
After my last relapse (when I lost myself for around 2 days), I know how much my parents suffered. My dad had his blood pressure really high and he was crying like desperate ( He could easily have had a heart attack or a stroke), and so was my mom - all of this was told to me by family and close ones.
Now, some weeks after my relapse and being without drinking I'm doing a lot of thinking and picturing each time I made my parents suffer.
They have moved on and forgave me, as they always do. They are wonderful and will be there for me until I die or get better (hopefully the second one).
Nevertheless, I have so much remorse and guilt that it's so hard to deal with. Yes, I know that the biggest way for me to "fix" all that I have done would be to get sober and for them to see me get better.
However, I just can't see what I can possibly do to repair all the damage that I have done. It has been just way too much for too long. They have been way too good parents. Sometimes I wish they were bad parents (I know, that's crazy). But I feel like the worse son ever (I have always been very loving with them, but, my problem with alcohol just erased that).
My question is: Does it goes away? Do you get to come to peace with yourself eventually? Do you forgive yourself?
Thanks
So, I think this is the first time that I am so active in here, but I'm having a lot of doubts.
After my last relapse (when I lost myself for around 2 days), I know how much my parents suffered. My dad had his blood pressure really high and he was crying like desperate ( He could easily have had a heart attack or a stroke), and so was my mom - all of this was told to me by family and close ones.
Now, some weeks after my relapse and being without drinking I'm doing a lot of thinking and picturing each time I made my parents suffer.
They have moved on and forgave me, as they always do. They are wonderful and will be there for me until I die or get better (hopefully the second one).
Nevertheless, I have so much remorse and guilt that it's so hard to deal with. Yes, I know that the biggest way for me to "fix" all that I have done would be to get sober and for them to see me get better.
However, I just can't see what I can possibly do to repair all the damage that I have done. It has been just way too much for too long. They have been way too good parents. Sometimes I wish they were bad parents (I know, that's crazy). But I feel like the worse son ever (I have always been very loving with them, but, my problem with alcohol just erased that).
My question is: Does it goes away? Do you get to come to peace with yourself eventually? Do you forgive yourself?
Thanks
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Hope1989 
Yes, I know that the biggest way for me to "fix" all that I have done would be to get sober and for them to see me get better.
............
However, I just can't see what I can possibly do to repair all the damage that I have done. It has been just way too much for too long.
............
However, I just can't see what I can possibly do to repair all the damage that I have done. It has been just way too much for too long.
Bottom line, the past is gone. Whether you did good or bad things ( and I'm sure you did both - we all do ), you cannot change any of it. All you can change is today. Do you want to be remembered as the person who took positive steps to get sober and change their life when they had a chance, or the one who just kept on drinking? I'm pretty sure you know the answer and that's why you are here seeking support.
Too answer your final question, yes - things do get better. But only if you quit drinking. It takes time and patience...something addicts have very little of as we seek instant gratification. But as you say, you've been drinking for a long time so it's going to take a long time to regain the trust of those around you. And you can regain that trust...one day at a time.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,972
Hi Hope, I just want to give you a big hug right now! Of course you will come to peace and forgive yourself. I agree with Scott. You must stay sober for you to reach this place and for others to be able to trust you. It takes hard work but it is so worth it. We’ve all done some bad things drinking. But it’s in the past. Learn from your mistakes and focus on the present. One day at a time.
Do you have a plan for long term sobriety? It may be a good idea to join AA or other face to face recovery group in addition to SR. What about therapy? It worked amazing for me and I still go occasionally. I also do yoga and meditation which is very helpful.
I’m so glad your parents are supportive.
Do you have a plan for long term sobriety? It may be a good idea to join AA or other face to face recovery group in addition to SR. What about therapy? It worked amazing for me and I still go occasionally. I also do yoga and meditation which is very helpful.
I’m so glad your parents are supportive.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 325
Hi Hope,
I’m the mother of a son, all I want is for him to be happy and healthy. I don’t invest any energy in thinking about past actions, nor do I think in terms of him being a good or bad son. He’s my son, nothing he could do or say will change how much I love him. My boy has a mental health problem, there have been tears and worry along the way, but nothing he EVER has to make up for or worry he needs to feel guilty about.
Your parents sound lovely, I bet if they read your message they would hope that you don’t spend another moment thinking about guilt for the past and instead try to be future focussed on your health and wellbeing.
I’m the mother of a son, all I want is for him to be happy and healthy. I don’t invest any energy in thinking about past actions, nor do I think in terms of him being a good or bad son. He’s my son, nothing he could do or say will change how much I love him. My boy has a mental health problem, there have been tears and worry along the way, but nothing he EVER has to make up for or worry he needs to feel guilty about.
Your parents sound lovely, I bet if they read your message they would hope that you don’t spend another moment thinking about guilt for the past and instead try to be future focussed on your health and wellbeing.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
If your parents can love and forgive you, whats holding you back from loving and forgiving yourself, Hope? 
I can never forget the crazy things I did as a drinker - but I can;t change any of it either.
All I can do is ensure it never happens again and to dedicate myself to ensuring my life today is geared to fulfilling my potential and helping others.
I needed to forgive myself to move on.
I choose to make the wrongs of the past right by the way I live my life today.
I could stay looking back, in despair and shame - but I think there comes a point that becomes self -indulgent.
Its not all about me anymore
You have the chance now to start Chapter Two - don't delay in writing that story
D
I can never forget the crazy things I did as a drinker - but I can;t change any of it either.
All I can do is ensure it never happens again and to dedicate myself to ensuring my life today is geared to fulfilling my potential and helping others.
I needed to forgive myself to move on.
I choose to make the wrongs of the past right by the way I live my life today.
I could stay looking back, in despair and shame - but I think there comes a point that becomes self -indulgent.
Its not all about me anymore
You have the chance now to start Chapter Two - don't delay in writing that story
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
What helped me was accepting I was sick and not bad. Now I am getting well. I too have put my parents through so much, I have spokwn to them and told them how sorry I am and they are just so happy to see me getting help, staying sober and getting more well each day.
That really is the best amends in my experience you can make to them. The past is gone forever. All you have is the here and now. It does take time to forgive ourselves but I know if I beat myself up I am letting my alcoholism win and it will eventually take me back to a drink.
big hugs to you
That really is the best amends in my experience you can make to them. The past is gone forever. All you have is the here and now. It does take time to forgive ourselves but I know if I beat myself up I am letting my alcoholism win and it will eventually take me back to a drink.
big hugs to you
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,384
I'm not sure it could be called peace as such, but I've found a way to live with myself and my imperfections and still get some things done in this imperfect world. Taking proper care of my body is a huge part of that of course. I'm not religious at all, but Jesus used to tell confessing sinners to "go forth and sin no more", and that's roughly equivalent to the deal I made with my own conscience when I stopped drinking. As long as I stay sober, it'll give me a break on judging all the past horrible things I did as a drunk.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you are here. I know your questions are ones I asked myself- and sometimes they still pop up, at 1080 days, but now I know that I (and my parents) are at a place of acceptance because I began our greatest prospect for peace.
It is an internal job that I began with AA and keep forging in daily life with that and other support, including a spiritual component and study of wisdom traditions that help me maintain that peace.
It all had to start with me getting sober, permanently and, importantly, continuously. That was and is the ONLY way I could repair damage - and show it by how I live now.
You can do it- it takes time and repeated good choices, and it is possible. I know I am only in charge of me, though - and my parents and many others have to do their own thing about forgiveness and acceptance.
It is an internal job that I began with AA and keep forging in daily life with that and other support, including a spiritual component and study of wisdom traditions that help me maintain that peace.
It all had to start with me getting sober, permanently and, importantly, continuously. That was and is the ONLY way I could repair damage - and show it by how I live now.
You can do it- it takes time and repeated good choices, and it is possible. I know I am only in charge of me, though - and my parents and many others have to do their own thing about forgiveness and acceptance.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 356
I don't know how to answer your post about regrets. I have plenty. I hurt one woman badly emotionally and I made amends to her. She accepted, and even though I have not had contact with her for two years I am glad I made the effort. Others, I have decided that leaving the past alone is the best course of action. I also came to understand that others have issues too, so the correct understanding of the past is not that you are 100% wrong about everything. Don't ask what was wrong with you. Ask what happened to you. Things in my childhood, that I had no control over, made that first beer at 17 seem to be the answer to my problems. It is hard. I know. As the saying goes, you cannot change the past but you can change how you view it. You are getting better. You are making progress. Part of that is forgiveness of yourself. I can't remember the exact quote, but it was from Johnny Cash. He said when the lord forgave him, he figured he better do it too. That is good advice I think.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 125
Lots of great advice here, and I would add that sobriety will allow you to start building up good times, better actions and memories, etc., with your family. You can't change the past, but you can start to reduce its hold on your mind by staying sober and putting more time and space between you and those bad times. Keep looking toward what positive things you can do today and tomorrow.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
Glad you're here! It sounds like you have lovely parents.
I did and said things while drunk that I still regret. I've made amends the best I can by staying sober and being a decent human being. I find that the guilt and remorse I felt while drinking were actually positive emotions. Yeah,they felt terrible, but they also spurred me onto living in a better way so that I wouldn't behave that way any more. If I didn't care, there's a good chance I would have kept on drinking (and I'd probably be dead by now). I haven't had any of the soul-sucking guilt and remorse since I got sober and started changing my ways.
It takes time and the willingness to really change to make a difference.
You can't get over the guilt and damage by continuing to do the things that caused the guilt and damage in the first place.
Only you can change that.
It does get better, but you have to do the work. I know you can do it.
Best wishes to you.
I did and said things while drunk that I still regret. I've made amends the best I can by staying sober and being a decent human being. I find that the guilt and remorse I felt while drinking were actually positive emotions. Yeah,they felt terrible, but they also spurred me onto living in a better way so that I wouldn't behave that way any more. If I didn't care, there's a good chance I would have kept on drinking (and I'd probably be dead by now). I haven't had any of the soul-sucking guilt and remorse since I got sober and started changing my ways.
It takes time and the willingness to really change to make a difference.
You can't get over the guilt and damage by continuing to do the things that caused the guilt and damage in the first place.
Only you can change that.
It does get better, but you have to do the work. I know you can do it.
Best wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Its been my experience that it does go away, but you have to toe the line. Continuing to relapse will drag out the awful feelings forever. It took probably 2 years to regain trust with people. So be prepared.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,498
I think the hardest lesson to learn in early recovery is patience. I wanted my family to understand and forgive. But, it didn't happen like that. It takes time and you need to put in the work. Show your family by your actions that you are changing. Allow them time to see the changes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
The pain and damage I have caused through my years of selfish drinking can finally now be tended to in my sobriety. I can be the son who doesn't cause anxiety and suffering to my parents. I can be the husband who can be trusted and relied upon. I can be the father who provides and shelters. I can be the friend depended and called upon. And I can finally give my self a chance to be free, at peace, clear and strong.
Only because I am sober.
No one is coming to save you.
Only because I am sober.
No one is coming to save you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Forget the past for now. There is nothing to gain by replaying that tape over and over. In fact, I've heard that replaying old tapes can help to strengthen those behaviors, even if they are negative. You have identified your problem as drinking. You need to stop for good, and after you become confident in your sobriety, you can and will revisit the past.
In AA they make a big deal about making amends (not the same thing as apologizing). Amends are changes in behavior, and once you stop hurting your parent's with your drinking and being a jerk, you will have already made the amends. You can add an apology if you want, but the amends is the big step and the real problem solver.
More good will come out of it than just making your parent's happy. You will break a dangerous cycle and be able to start life anew.
In AA they make a big deal about making amends (not the same thing as apologizing). Amends are changes in behavior, and once you stop hurting your parent's with your drinking and being a jerk, you will have already made the amends. You can add an apology if you want, but the amends is the big step and the real problem solver.
More good will come out of it than just making your parent's happy. You will break a dangerous cycle and be able to start life anew.
Here and now
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Toronto
Posts: 334
I am right there with you. What I have put my mother through tears me to shreds, also why she always adores me and tells me I can do it, I don't know where she gets it from, but it is transferred to me. That's why I know I have to do everything in my power this time around to show her why she did, and to erase all the negativity from the past with an oodle of progress in the future.
I know my father will be smiling at me every step of the way, and ever inch into improving myself I go. I really do believe what I have been told here time and time again, it gets better and is so worth it.
I know my father will be smiling at me every step of the way, and ever inch into improving myself I go. I really do believe what I have been told here time and time again, it gets better and is so worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,408
Stay sober and get recovered. In time if it’s meant to all will be forgiven etc.
People take you seriously when they can see you are recovering and then recovered. You will know when this is as they will comment how you are like a new person with a whole new attitude and outlook on life. This is my experience.
People take you seriously when they can see you are recovering and then recovered. You will know when this is as they will comment how you are like a new person with a whole new attitude and outlook on life. This is my experience.
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