Back to square one
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 221
Back to square one
Once again I'm back to square one. Drank over Christmas and went out last night. Spent this morning puking my guts up and then went to work going through torture. Haven't stopped feeling nauseous all day it's a miracle I'm still functioning. So scared to experience withdrawal again in its full force. I'm already going through hell and just drinking enough to prevent it. I'm so tired of pretending to be okay I just want this hell to end.. I know only I can make it stop.
I've got some diazepam 10mg my mom gave me that we're prescribed to her and thinking about detoxing myself. I know everyone will say I need medical guidance but I've tried that and I've been advised to taper. I don't want to carry on drinking! I can't miss any more work or I will lose my job. I have a disciplinary for my abscence next week.
I don't know what I'm expecting by posting here but I just needed to vent.
I've got some diazepam 10mg my mom gave me that we're prescribed to her and thinking about detoxing myself. I know everyone will say I need medical guidance but I've tried that and I've been advised to taper. I don't want to carry on drinking! I can't miss any more work or I will lose my job. I have a disciplinary for my abscence next week.
I don't know what I'm expecting by posting here but I just needed to vent.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm sorry you drank, but I'm glad you're back.
I can't agree that self medication with old meds and tapering is the best way to go - withdrawals can get progressively worse - what your Dr said earlier this year or last year or in 2010 may not be relevant now - but its your call.
Hope you're back to day one soon.
D
I can't agree that self medication with old meds and tapering is the best way to go - withdrawals can get progressively worse - what your Dr said earlier this year or last year or in 2010 may not be relevant now - but its your call.
Hope you're back to day one soon.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 271
The most important think is to prevent the relapse from continuing. This site is very good for support.
i know exactly what it’s like to force myself to go to work after vomitting and suffering an all day hangover. I also know what it’s like to miss work because of drinking.
Diazepan used to detox an alcoholic is dangerous if unsupervised. Drinking heavily on diazepan is also not a good idea.
The anxiety after a bad binge is very unpleasant. Try to get some water and food in you and think positive.
Going to a doctor of course would be the right thing to do.
i know exactly what it’s like to force myself to go to work after vomitting and suffering an all day hangover. I also know what it’s like to miss work because of drinking.
Diazepan used to detox an alcoholic is dangerous if unsupervised. Drinking heavily on diazepan is also not a good idea.
The anxiety after a bad binge is very unpleasant. Try to get some water and food in you and think positive.
Going to a doctor of course would be the right thing to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 221
Thanks. I'm always lurking here even when I'm not posting - morning and night.
The thing is where I am doctors are very reluctant to prescribe meds for home detox and the waiting list for help is quite long. I think my main problem is I can't admit to everyone I love just how bad this has become even though I've accepted it myself. For example even though I feel so unwell as in sick, shakey and like my insides are rotting away I've pretended to my partner everything's okay. I've laughed and joked, forced a meal down even though I hated every bite and just generally acted like nothings wrong. I ended up in the ER earlier in the year hooked up to a drip. I got a cab there and back and never told a soul. Last time I went through major withdrawal I paced my bedroom back and forward until 5am. I felt like I was going to die and I debated calling an ambulance every second of that night but I couldn't bring myself to because my sister was in the other room and honestly I would rather die than let her know the state that I am in. I know this is my downfall because I wont let anyone support me. I just can't bring myself to.
Needless to say I feel so alone. I could really use some friends on this site so thankyou for your replies
The thing is where I am doctors are very reluctant to prescribe meds for home detox and the waiting list for help is quite long. I think my main problem is I can't admit to everyone I love just how bad this has become even though I've accepted it myself. For example even though I feel so unwell as in sick, shakey and like my insides are rotting away I've pretended to my partner everything's okay. I've laughed and joked, forced a meal down even though I hated every bite and just generally acted like nothings wrong. I ended up in the ER earlier in the year hooked up to a drip. I got a cab there and back and never told a soul. Last time I went through major withdrawal I paced my bedroom back and forward until 5am. I felt like I was going to die and I debated calling an ambulance every second of that night but I couldn't bring myself to because my sister was in the other room and honestly I would rather die than let her know the state that I am in. I know this is my downfall because I wont let anyone support me. I just can't bring myself to.
Needless to say I feel so alone. I could really use some friends on this site so thankyou for your replies
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 221
Originally Posted by Highercall 
The most important think is to prevent the relapse from continuing. This site is very good for support.
i know exactly what it’s like to force myself to go to work after vomitting and suffering an all day hangover. I also know what it’s like to miss work because of drinking.
Diazepan used to detox an alcoholic is dangerous if unsupervised. Drinking heavily on diazepan is also not a good idea.
The anxiety after a bad binge is very unpleasant. Try to get some water and food in you and think positive.
Going to a doctor of course would be the right thing to do.
i know exactly what it’s like to force myself to go to work after vomitting and suffering an all day hangover. I also know what it’s like to miss work because of drinking.
Diazepan used to detox an alcoholic is dangerous if unsupervised. Drinking heavily on diazepan is also not a good idea.
The anxiety after a bad binge is very unpleasant. Try to get some water and food in you and think positive.
Going to a doctor of course would be the right thing to do.
No one warns you of the absolute hell of alcohol withdrawal. I can't believe it's not common knowledge the things it can do to you! It definitely needs to be more publicised.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 271
Outing on a brave face and pretending everything is ok is a strong characteristic of alcoholics as well as not engaging with services.
Sounds from the way you write that you are from the Uk and getting serious help here can be difficult.
Its good you have managed to do a home detox before but I think a supervised in house medical detox would be a good thing to do.
There is no shame in admitting you have a problem and need help.
Sounds from the way you write that you are from the Uk and getting serious help here can be difficult.
Its good you have managed to do a home detox before but I think a supervised in house medical detox would be a good thing to do.
There is no shame in admitting you have a problem and need help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 221
Yeah you're right I'm in the UK and getting help is so hard.
I know what you're saying and if it was anyone else I would be telling them the same. I just can't seem to swallow my pride. I've always dealt with things alone but it's clear it's not working for me. There's only so much someone can keep up a pretence before it all falls apart. I'm just praying I can get this under control on my own.
I know what you're saying and if it was anyone else I would be telling them the same. I just can't seem to swallow my pride. I've always dealt with things alone but it's clear it's not working for me. There's only so much someone can keep up a pretence before it all falls apart. I'm just praying I can get this under control on my own.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
You're right, NAS, there is only so much one does before things do fall apart, everything. I have been where you are, physically and mentally, but I let it go to the end. If people don't already know that you have a drinking problem, and if they don't already they probably just don't care to see it, then things will get to the point where you cannot hide it. What is there to be proud about in concealing this from others? It's better to share a problem and to tackle it sincerely than to allow it to continue to the brink where you will be asked why you didn't act to receive some support. Quitting alcoholic behavior is very hard to do alone, and you would be better off with those whom you care for on your side, while they are not having to worry about what will come next.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
I went through mine at home, I'm not recommending it to anyone, as we are all so different, but I made the choice to quit and that was it.
The only way to begin, is to stop. You are only prolonging the dreaded Day 1, why not make that crucial choice now? We are here to help you!
The only way to begin, is to stop. You are only prolonging the dreaded Day 1, why not make that crucial choice now? We are here to help you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 325
I tapered at home and then went to my GP and discovered my blood pressure was dangerously high, really really bad, quite probably from the attempt at self detoxing. She gave me bp meds and I felt better almost immediately. I still of course had to face my alcohol demons and commit to sobriety, but I let my pride and shame get in the way of seeking help when I really should and I still shudder at what might have been.
Whatever you decide, it’s great that you are posting here - keep letting us know how you are doing.
Whatever you decide, it’s great that you are posting here - keep letting us know how you are doing.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
I'm glad you're here with us, noaddedsugar. I felt the same desperation & disgust when I first found SR. I'd been playing with moderation for years - and it never worked once. Reading & posting here helped me find the strength to reclaim my life. It sounds like you're ready to do it. Please stay with us and get free.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 325
I tapered at home and then went to my GP and discovered my blood pressure was dangerously high, really really bad, quite probably from the attempt at self detoxing. She gave me bp meds and I felt better almost immediately. I still of course had to face my alcohol demons and commit to sobriety, but I let my pride and shame get in the way of seeking help when I really should and I still shudder at what might have been.
Whatever you decide, it’s great that you are posting here - keep letting us know how you are doing.
Whatever you decide, it’s great that you are posting here - keep letting us know how you are doing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 221
Update -
My last drink was at 6pm on New Years eve. I had a glass of wine (only my second drink of the day) and my body physically couldn't take anymore. I can't describe how bad I felt, almost as if I had really bad flu. My insides were in agony, I felt sick, anxious, like I was breathing strangely, jumpy, weak and freezing cold but sweating. I was lying with a hot water bottle and a wet towel on my head. Absolutely exhausted but couldn't sleep because I felt so bad. I knew I just had to ride it out and decide never to do it again. It was physical TORTURE. I had around an hours sleep.
When I woke up I was still feeling sick and as if I was going to faint when I stood up. Managed to get some food in me and have a rest day. Didn't touch a drop of alcohol and wasn't tempted to. Slept for 10 hours last night and today I'm over the worst of it.
Now that all of the physical symptoms have gone I'm left feeling so thankful that I'm feeling okay. I've had an amazing day because I've been totally sober the entire day (it's now nearly 11pm) and haven't felt like I'm going to die. I know something's different this time. I think where I've failed in the past is that I haven't told anyone of my intention of giving up alcohol so it was easy to fail. I still haven't been completely honest about the extent of my problem BUT my partner and I have committed to doing dry January and are going to support each other through it. If anyone wants me to drink I have the perfect excuse.
And then when January is over I'm just going to say I've felt so good not drinking that I'm going to keep it up.
There's no way I can go through that utter HELL again. I had left over booze and I've just poured it all down the sink today.
My last drink was at 6pm on New Years eve. I had a glass of wine (only my second drink of the day) and my body physically couldn't take anymore. I can't describe how bad I felt, almost as if I had really bad flu. My insides were in agony, I felt sick, anxious, like I was breathing strangely, jumpy, weak and freezing cold but sweating. I was lying with a hot water bottle and a wet towel on my head. Absolutely exhausted but couldn't sleep because I felt so bad. I knew I just had to ride it out and decide never to do it again. It was physical TORTURE. I had around an hours sleep.
When I woke up I was still feeling sick and as if I was going to faint when I stood up. Managed to get some food in me and have a rest day. Didn't touch a drop of alcohol and wasn't tempted to. Slept for 10 hours last night and today I'm over the worst of it.
Now that all of the physical symptoms have gone I'm left feeling so thankful that I'm feeling okay. I've had an amazing day because I've been totally sober the entire day (it's now nearly 11pm) and haven't felt like I'm going to die. I know something's different this time. I think where I've failed in the past is that I haven't told anyone of my intention of giving up alcohol so it was easy to fail. I still haven't been completely honest about the extent of my problem BUT my partner and I have committed to doing dry January and are going to support each other through it. If anyone wants me to drink I have the perfect excuse.
And then when January is over I'm just going to say I've felt so good not drinking that I'm going to keep it up.
There's no way I can go through that utter HELL again. I had left over booze and I've just poured it all down the sink today.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 449
I am currently on benefits and am amazed when I hear people are able to work whilst being alcoholics. That shows you have great strength. I hope you can direct that in overcoming your issues.
I admire you for your current strength and hope you can accept your propensity towards alcohol is damaging to you. Seek the best help you can possibly receive and give it a try. It might not work but at least try it
All the best and big hugs from me.
I admire you for your current strength and hope you can accept your propensity towards alcohol is damaging to you. Seek the best help you can possibly receive and give it a try. It might not work but at least try it
All the best and big hugs from me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 221
Originally Posted by Lonewolf22
I am currently on benefits and am amazed when I hear people are able to work whilst being alcoholics. That shows you have great strength. I hope you can direct that in overcoming your issues.
I admire you for your current strength and hope you can accept your propensity towards alcohol is damaging to you. Seek the best help you can possibly receive and give it a try. It might not work but at least try it
All the best and big hugs from me.
I admire you for your current strength and hope you can accept your propensity towards alcohol is damaging to you. Seek the best help you can possibly receive and give it a try. It might not work but at least try it
All the best and big hugs from me.
Really appreciate your comment as I've never thought of myself of having any type of strength at all. Thankyou
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 108
Nas I was somewhat in the same boat as you. My family didn’t know the extent of my problem, until I was hospitalized suddenly. The cat was out of the bag. I was pretty much ready to quit anyway, but family and doctors knowing how bad off I was expedited the process. Now if I relapsed, I wasn’t only letting myself down, which I had pretty much grown accustomed to anyway. To this day, a major part of my recovery is fear of letting others down. (Which may be frowned upon by some) keep up the good work! You got this.
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