Dreaming005

FallenAngelina

AlAnon and AA meetings are full of wonderful people and couples in recovery, so ..... yes. Absolutely. If you're not involved in AlAnon, consider getting involved. Lots of people find fulfilling and loving relationships with alcoholics who are serious about and committed to their recovery. It really helps if the non-addict parter is also involved in a recovery program of her own or has her own strong spiritual practice. The chances of having a good relationship in recovery are much higher if both partners are doing their work.


What is your recovery program or spiritual health regimen?

Dreaming005

MCESaint

I was watching a movie on TCM recently - wished I could remember the name - and the line was "being married [or involved] with a recovering alcoholic was like strapping yourself to a bomb."

And I thought, yeah.

My interactions with my AW during her initial stages of sobriety and recovery have been pretty ok -- we've gotten a long over the holidays.

But, I keep thinking . . . if she moved back in, when would the bomb go off again?

MCE Saint

Wamama48

My RAH is coming up on 1 year sober in a few weeks. I know how you feel about being concerned over relapse. It's a very real possibility, one that will always hang over our heads.

I can't give you a long term success story since your RAH had been sober six months longer than mine. My husband has been pretty strong in working his program and has made a lot of progress. He's had a few times, like now, where he's not actively working the steps, but he has his sponser encouraging him to continue. That does make me nervous, but it's all on him. Nothing I can do.

I'm finding the more effort he puts into his program, the more tools he has to use so he doesn't relapse. Did you husband work a program? If so, did he learn new ways to handle life's challenges? Did you feel confident that he was making good progress?

I know it's "their" recovery, but for us to be confident and to be able to build that trust back, we need to know how they are doing and that they are moving forward, not back.

Also keep in mind that as a general rule, people don't come to these kinds of forums to share happy stories of marriage after recovery. They come here because they are desperate for help and support. So that is mainly what you will see.

I'm not sure what your boundary is for relapse. Are you willing to give him one more chance? Does it make a difference if he has one night of drinking, then get back up and get back to work? Or do you feel like after he relapses there's just no way you can fully trust him again?

For me, I feel pretty confident that my husband's recovery is pretty strong. But I don't have my head in the sand either, and I know at any time he could drink again. And not stop. My boundary is if he relapses for a day, then contacts his sponser and gets back on track immediately, I might be able to handle it. Honestly I don't know unless it happens.

I think it comes down to what you are willing to accept, and what will happen if your husband crosses that boundary. It sounds like you need to do some deep thinking and decision making.

I'm sorry your in this situation, it's a crappy place to be, and none of us should even be here.

Dreaming005

Wamama48

I have two teen boys left at home, so older than your children. It is terrifying to think of what could happen if he was drunk and alone with your young children! You are such a good mom, and I think you're right that your boundaries have to consider them first. You are really stuck between a rock and a hard place. You can do this, maybe take some time alone to do something relaxing so you can think. I have six children, so I know that is easily said and hard to do. Keep coming here, you will gets lots of support and good suggestions from people who have been there.

August252015

To answer your question succinctly - yes. There are examples I could immediately think of like my own parents (Mom is the alcoholic, after many rough years for us all, sober a long time) and a couple very special to me.

In the latter scenario in particular - because the non-alcoholic wife has shared w me; my own parents keep much more to themselves - focusing on HER recovery and sanity is the critical component. What does that mean? Well, she is dedicated to Al Anon - and things like individual therapy. AA and Al Anon aren't group therapy - so that's one reason cross-talk and active questions aren't the routine in those...

It is up to every person, whether the alcoholic or not, whether to stay in a relationship. I am in recovery- and so is my husband. In many ways our story is unique as far as how we ended up in our 40s and married (we dated in high school and some other factors) and for me, being with someone in recovery, above specifically with him, is critical.

Recovery is the backdrop of my life and EVERYTHING stems from there.

Maybe the question is - what do you want the backdrop of your life to be?

Seren

There are many examples of happy marriages in which one or both partners are recovering/recovered alcoholics. But it is true, that relapse is always possible but it isn't inevitable for all people in recovery.

I'm hate to say it, but you are the only one who can decide whether or not this is something you can live with--whether the good outweighs the bad.

Sending many good thoughts and prayers for you and your husband!

dafunbra

I see lots and lots of examples of couples living happy lives with great marriages with a recovering alcoholic in my AA group. Its part of my inspiration that I use to keep me on the path I'm on. Some spouses of the A are in alonon, most are not. The common theme seems to be the A changed who they were. But it is very possible and it is all those examples which help my sobriety a great deal.

dandylion

Dreaming......I don't read that you are getting any kind of individual counseling or therapy for yourself....(disregard this, if you are doing so)….
I think it is good that your husband is sober...but, I do think that a relationship is about more than just drinking or not drinking. Alcoholism is a huge factor...but, not the only factor.

I suggest this question to ask yourself---is keeping the marriage your first priority--or, is being happy and thriving in the life, a priority to you?
I believe that having a happy and satisfied mother Is a great asset to children.....

Your own welfare has to be your first priority (and, that of your children, of course)...because it will never be the first priority of anyone else.....other people are too busy keeping their own priority first...!

To answer your question...yes, I have seen some happy marriages...and, the ones I have seen have been when the alcoholic was living by the principles of the 12 steps...assiduously.....and, the partner was also working on their own issues, as well.....
Such marriages seem to take a lot of commitment to doing the necessary work for BOTH partners.....

Many marriages can be saved....but, it is very scenario dependent, in my opinion

PeacefulWater12

Just throwing another thought in here, I have seen marriages fail when the A becomes sober and works a solid recovery program and becomes stable and caring. Sometimes the A's spouse does not like this, they want the chaos and emotional roller coaster of being with an active A. So will leave the sober, healthy A and take up with another active A.

dandylion

Dreaming...did you read my last post on your other thread? ...the one about what to do when you are away from the home...?

seekingcalm

Dear Dreaming,
Yes, it is possible. My boyfriend and I have lived together now for almost 6 years...together for 8 years. He has almost 9 years in recovery. We were together before he went into recovery...long story, but we lived together for 4 months while I realized what I was dealing with...thankful for sober recovery and al anon where I learned about this terrible disease.
He works a strong program of recovery and is a wonderful partner in life. I am grateful, and I don't worry that he will relapse, I have learned to live for today. If I worry about tomorrow, I will lose this precious day.
Enjoy your precious days.

atalose

I think yes but the word “recovery” needs to be defined. Recovery means different things to different people. Some believe just not consuming alcohol is recovery. Some people believe a 28 day stay at a rehab is recovery and when they are released they are recovered.

For me personally I believe there is no person walking the face of the earth who demonstrate more courage, dignity, honesty and integrity on a daily basis than an addict actively working a recovery program on a daily basis.

When that recovery factor was present with my ex, life was good, happy, calm with no anxiety of him relapsing but when recovery no longer looked like recovery it was back to waiting for that bomb to explode.

Al-anon helped me find healthier ways to cope with issues in my life, not just with alcohol issues but in all walks of life.

Dreaming005

The past 1.6 years have been good and I think our relationship has grown much stronger. We enjoy each other’s company, he’s been working, doing mostly his share around the house... it hasn’t been about alcohol.

I want to be happy in my marriage- I’m still hopefully that that is possible long term. I was happy pre-relapse; actually the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I am just looking into the future now and freightened by the possibility of him relapsing again. It throws life into chaos; I have PatSD from a few years ago when he was “relapsing” every 2 weeks- THAT I cannot do again. The unknown is what frightens me- and the idea that I’ll never be able to truly trust him with the kids are really hard.

I’m not currently in any therapy... I did several sessions and she just told me that I was doing all the right things and really didn’t give me any insight. What I’m hearing you say is that I have issues too... I honestly don’t know what those are! Maybe we need couples counseling so I can figure that out.

He won’t do A.A., and honestly I agree with him. The groups around us were very not Anonymous... I was constantly hearing gossip- an old friend of mine asked me about him, and there’s no other way she would know about his drinking, someone else asked us how things were going when we were at a play, another person talked to his parents and left his chips with them. And he had 2 sponsors literally fighting over him- one pushing him to do steps, the other telling him to take his time. It was very stressful. He agreed to start going to individual counseling again now- admitted it probably would have helped him head this relapse off.

Dreaming005

I did- thank you. I think it is the only solution, although difficult financially to swing.

NYCDoglvr

As a recovering alcoholic (27 years) I've sworn off all alcoholics for relationships. There are probably successful, sober alcoholics out there but I haven't met one who is a good bet for a relationship. Even if they don't drink again, the self-centered way of thinking remains in recovery. That's my experience.

Wamama48

Awesome advice Seekingcalm!!!! I am dealing with PTSD after living with an alcoholic, but things are getting better. I am working towards being where you are one day. 😁

FallenAngelina

Interesting that both the AA meetings and the AlAnon meetings (in which everyone just bellyaches) in your area atypically go against many of the program tenants. Is it mere coincidence that the meetings in your area fall so short of what the programs are all about?

I will say that I do not know of a happy relationship involving a recovering alcoholic in which both partners are not involved in an ongoing recovery program and community, each having his own network of support and insight. A good relationship of this kind requires that both partners dig deep and make significant, sustained changes - not that one partner simply behaves himself. Fulfilling relationships with recovering alcoholics are absolutely possible - I see them all of the time - but as I said, the secret ingredient seems to be an ongoing and active program for both, each in his respective recovery community.