What am I doing?!?

Old 12-26-2018, 09:25 AM
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What am I doing?!?

The last few days have been miserable. I fought to make it good, but AH was determined to destroy it. He behaved appropriately for the most part when the kids were around or when we were with family, but when they weren't the beast quickly returned. The kids caught on, especially last night when he realized he was going to run out of alcohol and every place was closed. I'm still not sure how he went through everything he bought, but I guess he did. For my own sanity I stopped monitoring that awhile back.

I don't understand how he can be an absolute jerk, but then turn around and say something nice and act like he's given me a gift to be grateful for by being nice for a split second but then get angry when I don't act appreciative. Is this typical alcoholism or yet another psychological issue? I can't count the number of times this happened over the past few days or the constant Jekel and Hyde behavior.

I know my options, but at the moment every single one of them sucks. I am just so very sad right now. Something has to change, I'm not ready to make that happen though, so I keep hoping something else will make the decision for me.
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Old 12-26-2018, 09:52 AM
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This is addiction, I'm afraid. If you feel your options are limited right now, at least try to maintain your boundaries and keep your expectations low.

I'm sorry but you are right. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Counting on someone in active addiction to 'save' you is a losing proposition. Can you get to an Al-Anon meeting maybe?
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Old 12-26-2018, 10:55 AM
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so I keep hoping something else will make the decision for me.

I understand that point of view. But the other side is that the "something" that comes along that makes that decision for you may be something really bad. You don't have to wait around for it. You really don't. You're stronger than you think.
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Old 12-26-2018, 11:48 AM
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searching......this is absolutely common and typical alcoholic behavior.....
You can't understand, because your are sober...and, his brain is reacting to the alcohol...the mood swings, the faulty memory, the lack if inhibitions..., etc....

I can relate to having a holiday spoiled by an alcoholic...nothing can ruin a holiday like a drunk...…
I could cry over those that I have had spoiled.....

Even if you are not ready to exercise any of your options, right now....you can start making baby steps for when you are ready or may be forced toward an option.....
Start dreaming...planning....building yourself up.....
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Old 12-26-2018, 12:04 PM
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Your husband sounds like mine. So nice in front of friends and family and completely different with me (we have good days but little things will set him off). He will complain on the way to meeting my friends, flip out if we can’t find parking or can’t find the restaurant, threaten to turn around and leave....by the time we meet my friends, I’m in tears and he is all friendly to everyone, making me seem like the crazy one. He also acts as if he does one nice thing, he is done for a while....and uses it as and excuse. “I do lots of things. I went to (insert event here) with you”. He also uses excuses when it’s convenient....he will say we don’t have the money for something but then spend it on something else. He will use the dogs as an excuse if he doesn’t want to go somewhere or wants to get home. “We can’t leave the dogs that long”. “We need to get home to the dogs”. yet he barely pays attention to them or walk them because he is always gaming.
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Old 12-26-2018, 12:10 PM
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searching.....your post from about a year ago, on Thanksgiving, sounds very similar...almost the same as this one.....I can imagine how worn down you must be getting.....
Last year, it was suggested that you get some support through the local domestic violence group.....as you were afraid that he would blow up if he found out that you were going to alanon…..
I hope that you will consider this....remembering that one does not have to be hit to be suffering from abuse,,,there is verbal abuse, and all kinds of other abuse, that allows you to qualify for support....
You can speak to a worker, on the phone, and it is completely anonomyous ….
You will find them to be very understanding, as this is their work.
They have support groups, individual counseling, etc. They, also, have all kinds of services that you m ight tap into...if needed...Lots of services that you might not think of.
I don't think you have to tell him about any of this,...you have the right for support for yourself. If he were to ask...you can always say that you are attending a woman's support group for your own improvement....
From what you describe....being sad...not seeing any way out....
This is too difficult to go through without some support....you owe youself and your children that m uch,.....
Make no mistake, living under this kind of tension takes a toll on your physical and mental health...and, that of the kids, also...
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Old 12-26-2018, 02:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Jk4 View Post
Your husband sounds like mine. So nice in front of friends and family and completely different with me (we have good days but little things will set him off). He will complain on the way to meeting my friends, flip out if we can’t find parking or can’t find the restaurant, threaten to turn around and leave....by the time we meet my friends, I’m in tears and he is all friendly to everyone, making me seem like the crazy one. He also acts as if he does one nice thing, he is done for a while....and uses it as and excuse. “I do lots of things. I went to (insert event here) with you”. He also uses excuses when it’s convenient....he will say we don’t have the money for something but then spend it on something else. He will use the dogs as an excuse if he doesn’t want to go somewhere or wants to get home. “We can’t leave the dogs that long”. “We need to get home to the dogs”. yet he barely pays attention to them or walk them because he is always gaming.
Ha...my AH uses our dog as an excuse not to do stuff. Although he does walk him twice a day.
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Old 12-26-2018, 03:13 PM
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Originally Posted by searching4shay View Post
I don't understand how he can be an absolute jerk, but then turn around and say something nice and act like he's given me a gift to be grateful for by being nice for a split second but then get angry when I don't act appreciative.
Imagine that all you want is a drink. You want a drink you need a drink, where is the drink!! Even if you have one, why are all these people milling around looking at me like i'm supposed to be doing something or being cheerful, I just want to drink in peace and quiet (or with my music blasting).

Oh, here she comes, I'll smile at her and say something nice and MAYBE she will stop looking at me like I'm supposed to do something. Ok, did that, no happy response, wth is wrong with her?

searching4shay, this is just a possibility of what he is thinking. He wants to drink and really anything else is just getting in the way.

I would suggest as the others mentioned, start planning your escape. If nothing else, plan how you can cope living there, this is so hard on you and your children. While he may have behaved - mostly - around the children, they know, they see it, they hear it and those are the xmas memories they will have. Not trying to be harsh or "blaming" but that is the reality and anything else is just wishful thinking.

So, perhaps an idea, if you have the room in your house, is to set up a "man cave" for him if he's open to the idea. Something that will give everyone some space. A garage is an option as well if you have room. Some heating and a comfy place for him to sit and stream sports or play music and drink.

If that's not viable you can perhaps work on getting physical distance yourself? A place where you and the kids can escape to - a tv room in the basement perhaps?

There are no "good" answers here, unfortunately and I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation.

You know, I get the waiting for something to happen to make that decision for you, unfortunately that may never happen and this will just go on and on for years.

I really hope you take dandylion's suggestion and reach out for support from your local domestic violence group.

I hope you keep posting here as well.
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Old 12-26-2018, 06:18 PM
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Something has to change, I'm not ready to make that happen though, so I keep hoping something else will make the decision for me.
You will have to be the one to make changes, your husband won't. I put off making changes until it hit me in one day that I was the one settling for misery and I declared "not one minute more"! Things fell into place quickly once I made the decision. Big hug!
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Old 12-26-2018, 06:50 PM
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I just wanted to send you a big hug. I completely understand how you feel. My AH is just like that. Always the funny charming guy to everyone else.
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Old 12-26-2018, 07:37 PM
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I've noticed my AH will use pets, house being cleaned/chores done/etc. as an excuse to stay around said house where drinking can be done. But I especially appreciate the dogs one. It's a good one I've heard many times.

Your post reminds me of the line from the song that goes "when you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice" (Rush, overplayed throughout my younger years on local radio). I too wish the stay or go decision were easier. I also think that giving yourself time to decide what you want, what you need, & utilizing a declared pause button/few weeks/etc. to do new things, in ways that make you healthier, educating yourself...is a great choice! If you start going to Al Anon, is it dangerous, i.e. will he physically lash out? What worse things will he do, than he's already doing, if he finds out you are going? A good meeting is worth it. I can't wait to return to a meeting. I'm sending you huge hugs.
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Old 12-27-2018, 07:20 AM
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Thank you for all of the replies, information and support. I feel I'm a lot stronger and wiser from a year ago, although nothing has really changed but me.

The "kids" are older - teen/young adult, so fortunately they have many years of good holidays to pull from when remembering this one. It also makes covering up any of this next to impossible which makes me sad for them.

AH has a space that is just his. However, now he feels he is isolated there, so he's throwing little tantrums about that. He chooses to isolate himself though. It was nice when his own area was enough.

We have a family friend that works at the executive level for the local women/children group. I am hesitant to open up this part of my life there , so I am searching for other options. Al-anon would be a good alternative if I could figure out a group close enough that I could discretely go. In many ways, al-anon would be worse, because he still refuses to admit he has a problem and gets really upset when I say anything that seems like I think it's an issue. He still says he just drinks to sleep, although unless he needs to sleep all day, that's a lie he's telling to himself. By upset I mean angry, tantrum, yelling, and a lot of passive-aggressive comments that go on for hours, sometimes days. It's amazing what he is actually able to remember sometimes when compared to the things he has no recollection of.

No matter which way I think about this, it comes back to the fact that I need to find a counselor, and that is just something that I frankly have not wanted to deal with. My own issue of not facing things I'm sure. However, his anger and paranoia are just increasing, so I know starting counseling will become a bigger issue the longer I wait.

If I really analyze myself it comes down to I'm not ready to give up what was supposed to be yet. It wasn't always this way. Realistically though at this point I don't see the current situation getting better. However, I am going to exhaust every possibility before I throw in the towel. Once the kids are on their own, which will be sooner rather than later, two things will happen - first, they won't be a part of my equation, but second, he won't have the motivation to keep things under control. So regardless of my unwillingness to make a decision right now, if nothing changes between now and then, I will need to be prepared to make a decision. This is a fact that I have no delusions about.

Thank you for helping me sort my thoughts, and offering your experience and opinions. It makes a difference.
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Old 12-27-2018, 07:35 AM
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".....the constant Jekel and Hyde behavior....."

It is NEVER appropriate for someone to use emotions to control others, whether they are drunk, sober, whatever.
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Old 12-28-2018, 03:59 AM
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searching......what does "throwing in the towel" mean, for you?......does it mean getting some support for you? or, separation--divorce?....what, exactly?
You say you want to exhaust every option....but, remember that could be to "exhaust" your own self....when a person is throwing verbally aggressive tantrums for hours and days, on end....that means that you are suffering verbal abuse, right now...even if you have never thought of it that way....
And, he is using these tantrums to keep you in fear and to control you....when you are afraid to get help for yourself...which you should have a right to...you are being controlled.....
Living in fear, under control for the next few years, sounds really traumatic for you AND the kids...even if they are late teens...especially, if they are in the house.....

Now, I DO hear that you are too terrified to make a change, at this current time....but, I do encourage you that you can start making baby steps, that he doesn't have to know about....baby steps toward the inevitable action that you will probably be forced to take....
You say that he works form home....are you ever able to leave the house...? If so, you could always go to the library, or the mall, etc. and call the local women's group and ask what resources they can offer or suggest, over the phone....that you will be able to use...when you do have to take action...like housing, food, legal advice, counseling services, financial assistance, safety planning, etc....(be careful to erase your browsing history or phone numbers)…
I suggest that you can start reading about the "cycle of Abuse"....over the internet....it will give you a lot of information and suggestions...again, be sure to erase your browsing history....
Is there any way that you can start saving some money...any small amount, for y ourself, and tuck it away?
Are you, currently, working outside of the house...? (this is an important question)…..

About you family friend that works in the womens group....remember that alcoholism thrives in the secrets...and it is common for family members to try to keep the issue secret from the rest of the world....but, the truth always comes out, in the end, anyway...sooner or later....
You can try to hide it...but, if things go really south...they will find out...
I think that your mental and physical health,...and, that of your children are more important priorities than what other people will think of you....
You are probably not the center of their lives, anyway...they don't have to live in your skin...and...are they there to hold your hand while you are afraid and crying and alone in the middle of the n ight.....

I so, encourage you to keep posting and to start making baby steps....
Lol.....don't let another year go by, again.....
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Old 12-28-2018, 07:00 AM
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"What am I doing?!?"

Saying gently...
You are denying and minimizing the hostile and insane
environment you & kids are living in to try and feel normal. Much
in the same an alcoholic denies their problem "I need it to sleep".

Taking for granted you & kids can tolerate this for years and
escape without damage is not logical thinking. Please take
Dandy's advice and safely begin to find resources for help.
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