I’m so upset with my husbands drinking

Old 12-25-2018, 12:59 AM
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Jk4
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I’m so upset with my husbands drinking

My husband was down to about 3 to 5 Coors lite a night. He was drinking usually a six pack of regular beer and/or bottles of vodka and whiskey and said he would cut down. 3 to 5 lite beers is barely enough for him to be buzzed but lately he seems much more drunk. His voice is different, his eyes looked glazed. Sometimes he seems this way a few minutes after he gets home from work and other times is about an hour after he’s been home and had a few beers. I can’t figure it out because I am in the room with him and our house is small so I would have noticed him sneak around. He gets up to go to the bathroom but I’ve checked every area and even bottles like cleaning solutions to check if alcohol is hidden and not finding anything. And can’t find any stashed anywhere else. I asked him why he seems drunk and he just laughs at me. Also he sometimes reeks of alcohol.....I ask to smell his breath and he doesn’t always let me or just tells me it’s beer. Correct me the me if I’m wrong but a beer does not smell the same as vodka or whiskey right? What am I missing?

Last night we were meeting friends for dinner. He came home from work around 3. Seemed sober, had a few Miller lites and by 5 was so drunk he could barely talk. I was so upset. He denied drinking anything else but he must have, or had a few shots at the liquor store on the way home or maybe he is on something? We are about to go out and he is slurry his words and falling asleep. He managed to get to the restaurant and was so loud....his eyes all glazed etc....I was tearing up I was so frustrated. I couldn’t hide how upset I was. He also doesn’t want to do anything. Just sits and obsesses about games on his phone and computer. He isn’t into me at all physically. He doesn’t even seem to care about me. For example he doesn’t want to drive to my friends house on New Year’s Eve because of the drunk drivers but then says I can go by myself. He doesn’t care what I do or seem to worry. He is also a pathological liar. He is almost always crabby unless he is drunk. He only shows concern if I ignore him, but it doesn’t last. I’ve tried everything. Talking to him does not help. Nothing does unfortunately so I don’t need advice on how to change him because I’ve tried it all. Do I have a right to be as frustrated as I am? I want someone who wants to enjoy things, go places, be into me, take care of himself. I worry about him yet I sometimes hate him. We have good days that can make me forget everything but it’s short lived. You might wonder why I married him....we had and sometime still have a good friendship but he is all about himself more and more.

Last edited by Jk4; 12-25-2018 at 01:05 AM. Reason: Spelling
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Old 12-25-2018, 01:20 AM
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Welcome, Jk4. You may find things a little bit slow here, seeing as it's Christmas, but it's usually a very active board, so please don't get discouraged if by chance you don't get a lot of replies right away.

First, let me say that you absolutely have the right to feel whatever you feel. If you are frustrated (and who wouldn't be, in the situation you describe?), then you are frustrated. Our feelings are what they are, and can never be wrong. The actions that we take, based on those feelings, may be wrong, though, and that's where SR can help you.

Next, let me suggest that you begin by educating yourself about alcoholism and addiction. We have a member here who often tells newbies that “knowledge is power”, and she is absolutely right. A good start for that is simply by reading around this forum as much as you can. At the top of the page are what we call "the stickies", which are threads that are felt to be so useful that they've been "stuck" to the top of the page so they are always visible and accessible. Here are links for the stickies, in case you aren’t able to see this section on your phone or computer (sometimes people can’t):

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...sts-first.html (Are you new to this forum? Please browse thru these posts first.)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (About Recovery)

Read other member's posts in the threads in this section, and don't be shy about replying if something resonates w/you or if you have a question. In my experience, those who get the most from this forum are those who are the most actively involved.

Another valuable resource is your local Alanon meeting. For me, Alanon and SR were a powerful combination in the earlier days of my own recovery. I love SR (clearly, b/c I still read and sometimes post here almost 6 years after I first came) but a face-to-face Alanon meeting can offer in-person support that an online forum simply can't. I'm fortunate enough to live in an area where there are many, many meetings to choose from; hopefully you'll be equally lucky.

For me, the point where things began to really turn around was when I finally accepted that there was simply no way I could control anyone else, and that in fact I had no right to do so. The only person I had any control over (or should even try to have any control over) was myself. It seems mighty counter-intuitive, I know, and it took me some time and a lot of hard knocks to get there.

Stop. Back up. Take a breath, and then another. I know it feels like your world is flying apart and nothing makes sense. There is help for you, though, and you can indeed be happy and at peace even though it seems impossible right now. Do some of the reading I suggested. Get thee to an Alanon meeting as soon as you possibly can. Gradually you’ll start to see your way forward.

SR is a fantastic resource, full of so many who’ve walked that path in all its variations. I hope you continue to come around, b/c there is so much learning and healing to be had here.
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Old 12-25-2018, 06:07 AM
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Hi JK4 and welcome. Sorry for what brings you here, of course but glad you found us.

I hope you take honeypig up on her suggestion and read around the forum. There is a lot to learn about alcoholism and you will find the answers here.

Your Husband is in a relationship with alcohol which explains his lack of interest in anything or anyone else. It's what he thinks about and when he isn't drinking he's wondering where his next drink is.

Correct me the me if I’m wrong but a beer does not smell the same as vodka or whiskey right? What am I missing?
You're right, they don't smell the same but if someone just drank a beer I doubt you would be able to smell anything else.

Your instinct that he is drinking before he gets home is no doubt absolutely correct.

Alcohol is not unlike any mood altering substance in that tolerance is built and it takes more and more to achieve the same "buzz", so he hasn't gone from drinking a lot to suddenly being almost fall down drunk from several lite beers.

There is help and there is hope. Post here as often as you like and as honeypig mentioned, there is also Al-Anon, have you looked in to that at all?

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/
"In Al-Anon and Alateen, members share their own experience, strength, and hope with each other. You will meet others who share your feelings and frustrations, if not your exact situation. We come together to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not".
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Old 12-25-2018, 06:16 AM
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Alcohol is not unlike any mood altering substance in that tolerance is built and it takes more and more to achieve the same "buzz", so he hasn't gone from drinking a lot to suddenly being almost fall down drunk from several lite beers.
Well, as an alcoholic myself I can tell you that this isn't necessarily true - though it may be. No way to know.

There is a phenomenon called Reverse Tolerance in long-term alcoholics and it is when there has already been damage done to the liver/organs. You can Google that.
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Old 12-25-2018, 06:25 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Well, as an alcoholic myself I can tell you that this isn't necessarily true - though it may be. No way to know.

There is a phenomenon called Reverse Tolerance in long-term alcoholics and it is when there has already been damage done to the liver/organs. You can Google that.
I’ve heard about that but his recent blood test show his liver and kidney functions are normal.
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Old 12-25-2018, 06:29 AM
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It's a good thing you are not looking for advice on how to change him, as most of us have the learned the hard way that the only thing we can change is ourselves.

You have every right to be as frustrated as you are, but I have to tell you that trying to be the Drink Police and figuring out what he has imbibed and when will only magnify your frustration. Trust your senses. It doesn't matter how much he's had if his behavior is unacceptable at two or twenty. It doesn't matter where his tolerance is as long as you don't want to be around him. You are allowed to have boundaries, even with your husband. His choices don't have to determine your day.

I can't say anything better than honeypig did. Educate yourself about alcoholism and read around the forum as much as you can stand. Eventually you will find a way to deal with this situation, whatever that means for you. Wishing you strength, courage, and serenity in the new year.
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Old 12-25-2018, 08:57 AM
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Start with reading everything you can get your hands on about addiction/alcoholism. Get armed with information not for him, but you. Be gentle with yourself as you discover Ah Ha moments. I still have them daily and have been doing this for many years. Sometimes I can read something 100x and it not sink in. Maybe because I am not open, or just plain stubborn. The one I grapple with is that his addiction is not about me. The 3 C's. It may hurt but I cannot take it personally.

Lots of great advice can be found in these forums. I found for myself the best thing was to start in F&F, then Alcoholism and New Posts. It has been so beneficial to see addiction from both sides. I have been to Alanon and open AA meetings, too.

Hang in there!
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Old 12-25-2018, 10:35 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Well, as an alcoholic myself I can tell you that this isn't necessarily true - though it may be. No way to know.

There is a phenomenon called Reverse Tolerance in long-term alcoholics and it is when there has already been damage done to the liver/organs. You can Google that.
Toward the end of my drinking, one day my tolerance would be "normal" (ie I could drink a 12 pack easily and function relatively well) and the next I would black out after 3 drinks. When I checked in to rehab my bloodwork was in the high-normal range. An alternative theory is the possibility of mixing benzo's (valium / Xanax, etc.) with alcohol - which is dangerous but not uncommon.

However, it really doesn't matter how or why this is occurring. The question is what are you going to do in terms of your boundaries?
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Old 12-25-2018, 11:32 AM
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Hi Jk4, in my only experience with an alcoholic , whom I recently divorced, is that he was selfish. Everything revolved around him. I sometimes wondered if my XAH was on drugs as well as alcohol because like you sometimes he had only a few beers and would be slurring his speech and staggering. Who knows, I didnt stick around to figure that part out as the beers and vodka were enough. My XAH was on his phone and IPad playing some game constantly and spending money on it but we both made our own money and didn’t share finances so I dont know the extent of what he spent but I am guessing quite a bit. Hope it gets better for you but honestly the only thing that it made it better for me was leaving. It was a tumultuous 10 years I was with him.
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Old 12-25-2018, 11:59 AM
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I feel your pain and am in a similar situation. I used to think that standing by my man and going for another round after the lies , disrespect and disgusting drunk nights. That if I stuck it out he would see my strength and do his part to provide and do right for himself and us. But of course not. Someone who doesn't have a clear mind or the will to give a **** about themselves will never give a **** about you. Unless you leave them with nothing but their own sick self. It's a mind game for me because when my ABF and I have good days I used to get my hopes up, now I just feel like I'm living a fake life some days are good but others are so awful I wish I could disappear forever. I've realized since he is not seeking help for recovery nothing will change and this will be my future if I don't take action and get out before my life is up and wasted on a drunk. Best of luck to you. I really hope that spark goes off in your husbands mind and he realizes living like That is not worth living at all.
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Old 12-25-2018, 12:09 PM
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"He gets up to go to the bathroom but I’ve checked every area and even bottles like cleaning solutions to check if alcohol is hidden and not finding anything."

Toilet tank.


" Do I have a right to be as frustrated as I am?" You are entitled to your feelings, of course.

"I want someone who wants to enjoy things, go places, be into me, take care of himself. "
This is not your husband.
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Old 12-25-2018, 07:53 PM
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I'm sorry you're going through this Jk4. It's a terrible dance, back and forth, having good days, knowing the not-so-good days will happen again. I was in pretty much your situation. Can you take a break and leave for awhile? Get some peace and clear your head? Do some self-care, like walking, something you enjoy or need to get done that will make you feel better? My AH also lost motivation in many ways, and is a very different person than who I married. The book Pathways to Recovery from Al Anon is helpful, and meetings are too.
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Old 12-25-2018, 09:23 PM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Well, as an alcoholic myself I can tell you that this isn't necessarily true - though it may be. No way to know.

There is a phenomenon called Reverse Tolerance in long-term alcoholics and it is when there has already been damage done to the liver/organs. You can Google that.
Thanks for that bimini, I did look it up and that's really interesting, I actually wondered about that.

I found a good reference on it that I will link below if anyone else is interested. It's apparently quite rare.

One other thing mentioned in the information is "normal" lowering of tolerance, where the liver etc is not hugely damaged, so renewing drinking at a lower level, after a period of abstinence, or just drinking at a much lower level with no abstinence.

I'd still check the toilet tank. (seriously though, as many have mentioned, better to put the focus on yourself. One drink or twenty, if it's upsetting you that's what's important).

What Is Reverse Tolerance?

"One should be very careful not to confuse Reverse Tolerance with the Healthy Tolerance Reversal which occurs when a heavy drinker does a period of abstinence from alcohol or a period of moderate drinking. When the amount of alcohol to which the liver is exposed on a daily basis is greatly decreased, liver enzymes begin to return to normal levels and alcohol tolerance (as well as dose response) tends to return to levels similar to those before the subject began drinking heavily".
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Old 12-26-2018, 11:55 AM
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I have checked the toilet tank. Also I would hear him move it since our house is small.
Thanks for the responses. Do you agree that many alcoholics are pathological liars. I never know what to believe. He is always telling me some tale about what happened at work etc....and also being over dramatic about thinks to upset me. Telling me his company is closing and we have to sell the house etc....which never happens.
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Old 12-26-2018, 12:13 PM
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Jk4......lying is extremely common.....some people say, about alcoholics...."If their lips are moving...they are lying".
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Old 12-26-2018, 12:23 PM
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I’m struggling with the I can’t live with him, I can’t live without out him. I don’t always want to be around him but if I leave and go places without him, I worry he will drink to much, the dogs will pee and poop everywhere and he will just be getting drunk and gaming. I worry he will have liver failure or a heart attack. I used to worry about him cheating but I don’t really care much about that anymore. In the 10 years I’ve been with him I can only name 2 times where he drank until he threw up and passed out....but there have been many many times where it severely altered his personality and behavior and now when I hear that in his voice I just can’t stand being around him....even if he is being nicer than usual. For the most part when he isn’t drunk he is irritable. I feel like the only time I could actually relax is if I left. Had my one place and didn’t worry about him. I financially can’t do that right now. And at 44 years old it’s a hard choice to make.
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Old 12-26-2018, 12:40 PM
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Well, it's not going to be any easier at 45, or 54.
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Old 12-26-2018, 01:08 PM
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Hi, Jk4. Welcome. Glad you found your way here.
Agree with what others have said about attending Al-Anon meetings.
It is a wonderful source of support and help.
Does your husband have a problem with alcohol.?
Sounds like it.
It also sounds like you are ready to take a step or two back from the situation.
This will take time and knowledge and support.
No one says Leave. Today. Only you can decide if that is the step you want to take.
But I can tell you that unless your spouse embraces sobriety long term, things are not going to get better.
They will get worse as you both get older.
Good luck and good thoughts.
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Old 12-26-2018, 02:18 PM
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Hi, and I'm sorry you are going through this. I would take the advice to go to Alanon a/o counselor. It takes time, but eventually I hope you find peace in not looking for the booze. My husband does the same at times. He comes home from work and can be lit within an hour. He also works a lot of hours which probably allows it to happen quicker. I don't search anymore, and we are not staying together. I used to search, take pictures, mark bottles. It drives you crazy I flat out told him that it's his right to drink, but I'd like him to stop for the kids' sake and for his.

Beer and whiskey smell different. I can only smell the vodka here and there, and when I was pregnant and my senses were so sensitive is when I smelled it. Could he be drinking mouthwash or rubbing alcohol? People do do that
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Old 12-27-2018, 04:58 PM
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Does anyone else deal with their spouse always having an ailment. It’s either a headache, his ankle hurts, his sinuses, his throat. So many times we have plans he complains about something and acts as if I’m insensitive for making him go when he isn’t feeling well.
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