Lorelai

I've been thinking about this subject a lot lately and have read and written some threads trying to figure it out.

This is what I think. When I was deep in my codependency, I was the perfect wife. I gave my H everything an H could ever want from home-cooked meals to loving words. It was my constant mission to figure out what would make him happy and give it to him.

I did all of that - gave all of the love I knew how to give. Still, my H chose beer over me, chose bars over me, chose other women over me. He still didn't want me.

I think I feel like I gave the very best I had to offer. If that wasn't good enough, how in the world will I ever find anyone who will love me?

I think I need to discover that constant giving isn't necessarily love. That a lot of people don't require - or even want - that from a partner. Does this make sense to anyone else but me?
L

nvhelp

WOW! how true it is. In my case I was excatly doing what you did but for my wife paid the bills, cooked helped with laundry out to eat all the time, best clothes best cars gave and gave and gave complimented her offer her great hope for a wonderfull life and future supported her in her recovery from early childhood abuse, whatever it took to make her happy i looked for and did and she choose vodka over me it became her lover her world of escape. Constant giving is not equate to love it would be nice that someone for a change gave to us or even return it a little. For me giving is so much fun it is an expression of my love it is painfull when it does get spit back at you. If you give do it because you like to not because you have to and give to expect nothing in return that has helped my sanity.....

hope2bhappy

I don't think being a loving, caring wife means you have to be co-dependent. I think you become co-dependent when someone else's needs become more important to you than your own needs. Listen to yourself, Lorelai. You've been in this long enough to know that your situation has little to do with shortcomings in yourself. So, you've been the best wife and partner you can be. Even if you were the WORST wife in the world, it wouldn't make any difference -- he would still choose the alcohol. If you want a partner who is going to notice YOU, instead of the booze, then I guess you will have to find someone who doesn't drink. You're just having a down moment. You are a worthy person who is worthy of love and attention. Unfortunately, making the best meatloaf in town won't make your husband notice you. This disease will still be his first mistress.

Karivan

I'm thinking about this as I type it so I don't know if this makes sense but this is what I think...

The giving and giving until it hurts is a codie thing. Codies and A's go together like peas in a pod. I think A's are attracted to codie's because they know they will be taken care of and they also know they can manipulate a codie. A codie is attracted to an A because they need someone to take care of. Vicious circle.

So if we aren't acting like a codie anymore and learn how to have a life of our own and be independent and not care what people think, then perhaps we can attract someone that has their act together?

Anyway Lorelai... I think you're great and if I was a guy...

Gracey

I do not know what it is like to have this in my life.....I always thought I had to win people over and do as much as I could for them and have them depend on me in an unhealthy way for them to like me.

So I dont think that anyone has ever known me for me......I think I might be known as this nice person that will give you the shirt off her back......so I am known for my deeds.......I have proven to myself over and over again with my past friendships that as soon as I start saying no to deeds, the friendship is hurting than eventually over. I alway's seem to chose people who are needy......this is something that I am going to look for in future friendships.

I think this has alot to do with building my self esteem and confidence..and I am hoping after time, I will be confident enough and my self esteem with be healthier, and that part of me will shine........and that will make me a happier person. If you are happy and confident .....other people will see that.....and than how can they help but want to be with me. lol

Lorelai: to me you shine, and I know that one day you are going to find happiness in yourself that you are going to shine brightly and other people are going to feel privilaged that you want to share your happiness with them.

rivercitybelle

Yes, I do believe there is a "nice" guy out there for you (and "nice" gals for you guys).
After 20+ years of living with an A who chose a bottle & a bottle blonde (far from the first time this happened, but in the past I always accepted it because who would ever want me?) over me, I worked on making him my EX-A. Several years later I ran into a college boyfriend, luckily we'd both grown since those days and now... well... as the song says 'there's a kiss at the end of the rainbow' and he's my husband. It was hell leaving ex-A but it's almost too good to be true now... but it is good and true!

journeygal

L, it seems you and I are definitely in the same place with this. I very much agree with Karivan - I don't think it's possible for two givers or two takers to be together.

But I think instead of trying to give so much, we should give less. I'm not sure I know how to do that but I think I need to learn. Like everything else it requires a balance. I think a healthy relationship involves two people who both regularly practice giving and taking. If I'm doing all the giving, there's no need for my partner to do anything but take and take until I have no more to give. That's exactly where I am today with my husband.

So maybe we can learn to achieve a balance - give a little less and find someone willing to give a little (or a lot) more.

ASpouse

Lorelai, you gave all you had to an alcoholic. That doesn't work because the one thing you didn't give is what he wanted most ....... alcohol.

Gabe

You gave the best you had to offer to someone who didn't appreciate you for the good person that you are.
It's not that what you have to offer isn't good enough.
The possibility for happiness and love is out there for everyone.
I think we have to believe in that possibility before it happens though.

frankly

lorelia - I felt, feel the same way. My best years were wasted. Here I am now sick, "older", untrusting, suspicious of anything and everything. I'm not exactly what anyone would consider a catch. I have an STD that would make any potential partner run for the hills. I was even thinking you know this guy is the bottom of the barrell and even HE doesn't want me! But after reading what you said here I got to thinking - I've been conditioned to believe no one else could ever love me. I heard it from him all the time one fault after the other. Heck he was actually PROUD that he had given me what he did he said "now you can NEVER be with anyone else" But I can I can be with me. And God willing maybe one day someone else will love me. I was so afraid of being alone and not loved. Guess what I was already alone and not loved, I just didn't realize it. In a way I'm already loved... I found you guys. Hang in there girl!

Love ya!
Ms. B

Cadence57

I don't believe ANYONE is capable of giving an alcoholic "enough" (except, perhaps, a bartender). Alcoholics are, by nature, takers and we codies are, by nature, givers. I think as we continue to grow, we find a happy medium in there somewhere. I won't let my past dictate my future and I hope I have learned from my experiences so that I don't repeat my mistakes.

One of my taglines in my email is, "Working to become the person I hope to find" Chin up - your growth will bring about changes that will be noticed by those who are seeking what you have to offer.

Ann

Lorelai

I think that it's not always about us being good enough, of course we are. It's about taking time to find the right person. Too often, having a broken heart leads us to move too fast. First man that comes along and is nice, and charming, and treats you well is the one you fall for right away.

The thing is, it takes time to see everying about another person. Attraction is great, but how does he look on a bad day? How does he handle anger? disappoinment? frustration?

I think it's important to see all sides of a person, and not be blinded by the attraction part. If you keep your eyes open and take notice of any red flags, then you can choose wisely and love someone who will love you just as much and treat you as you deserve to be treated.

Hugs
Ann

zazengirl

ahhh,...its confusing isnt it, but now its about you, all the loving attention, tenderness, compassion and energy you have given outside of YOU, bring it all back into you...it is part of you....now if you can find a partner/lover that reflects you....that would be a blessed thing...

just dont put your love of another above your own love for yourself, that is the painful lesson I've learned, also, he didn't choose booze over you on a conscious level, he is sick remember, and sometimes its easier to choose the evilness/disease over love,...depending on how they feel about recieving love...you have always given me wonderful advice...I hope it helps..

please still be brilliant and delicious in life!!!! truly!!!

Lorelai

OK, guys. So I'm getting my hair cut tonight. I'm sitting next to a lady who, for an entire hour and a half did nothing but bitch, moan and complain about everything that had happened to her over the last week. She mentioned her husband a couple of times so I know she is married.

I decided that, if that lady could find someone who loved her, I should have no problem at all.

Inspiration comes in the strangest places.

I feel much better now. I think that at some point in the future, when I'm ready, I'll just have to jump in and believe that everything will work out for the best. If I never find a man to share my life with again, that's the way it will be. If I do, that will be great too.

It's a "Let Go" thing for me. I'm leaving it up to my HP. Besides, now I have a fabulous new cut - who could resist me????
Thanks !!!!!!
L

zazengirl

yeah HP!!!!

wraybear

ASPOUSE QUOTE: "You gave all you had to an alcoholic. That doesn't work because the one thing you didn't give is what he wanted most ....... alcohol."

Totally changing the subject at hand,
I go to court in two days for judge to determine what kind of visitation my AH gets with our children. I have been getting feelings of "caving in" and feeling sorry for him. He has been gone a little over two weeks, and really needs to stay gone.

The above quote is hitting me over the head. If I knew how to add one of those cute little icons with their head banging against the door, this is where it would be!!!!!
I have copied it, enlarged it, and am going to tie it around my neck when I go to court Thursday, as a reminder. Okay, maybe i will just place it in a notebook and look at it often.

Thanks ASPOUSE!

Lorelai, if I was a man, you could be my wife! I am a little selfish, you are a giver, so maybe it could work??? HA HA HA

Please pray for wraybear and court Thursday morning. I know deep down in my heart that I need to follow through this time... but really starting to waver.

Thanks a bunch ya'll.

Gabe

Yes it does.
Lorelai, you just keep believing in the best part of yourself.
She is the one who will take you to the places you need to go.

Ann

I believe everyone can find someone if they set their standards low enough, it's finding the "right" one that takes a little time and work.

You're worth the time , Lorelai, and Mr. Right is out there right now looking for you.

Hugs
Ann

SJW

Wow! You've had some incredibly insightful posts above! I agree with whoever said that a relationship is about give and take. I also agree that an alcoholic will always choose alcohol over a relationship. That IS his relationship. I agree, but am mad, that he chooses alcohol because of his disease. If the disease was not of his own making, I would have an easier time accepting it. But I don't get to make his choices, just my own.

You have given and given and now it's time to kick back and do some taking just for you! There's some guy out there searching for a woman who just got a new haircut!

SJW

CatsTail

You are right constant giving isn't love. We have to learn to give and take in a healthy way. And yes someone will want you, someone who is healthy!

Ngaire