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Resentments (long post)

Old 12-23-2018, 01:34 PM
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Resentments (long post)

Sorry for the long post:


I think I am beginning to understand what some of the reasons were for my compulsive drinking.

Obviously depression was a major factor and I think this is/was a major factor for many others who have battled addiction. But what I think I had the hardest time coping with was the need to belong.

For some reason, I was not very well-liked in my family. I think when I was a child, this had a devastating impact on me that I never dealt with and instead just internalized which I then later self-medicated with alcohol.

This is how I developed my low self-esteem and lack of confidence. Growing up I was often told I was worthless or a burden. My paternal grandmother often told me that when I was born it ruined my father's chances of getting free from my mother as he had to raise yet another unplanned pregnancy. My mother often told me she wished I was never born and told me I was stupid. She heavily beat me and my brothers. I was physically punished for wetting the bed among other various ridiculous reasons.

But as bad as the childhood emotional and physical abuse was, it wasn't nearly as bad as the neglect and constant solitude. I was so incredibly lonely growing up often left alone all day or night as my mother "recovered" from her meth binges. I remember being so hungry and crying because I couldn't figure out how to open a soda. I remember struggling to turn on the tv because I was lonely. Or worse yet, forced to stay in her dark bedroom with her for hours as she slept off her last binge.

My mother use to take my two brothers to school and leave me alone until later in the afternoon. I would wake up and eat my brother's left over cereal in the morning. Than I would play by myself and later my kitty.

The landlord came by once and I was so excited to talk to someone I let him in the house. I had no idea who he was and just sat on the floor chatting with him until my mother came home. I got slapped for that but honestly I didn't know any better. I was just happy to talk to someone. I think she was more upset having to talk to the landlord about why we haven't paid rent and was scolded for leaving a child unattended.

My parents eventually got separated for a brief period where I was then psychologically tortured by my babysitter who forced my brother to physically abuse me while she went out gambling. I am not going to go into details because I can't.

And it never changed. However, the older I got the better it got because I had outlets. I had school to go to where I met other children my own age and had normal social interactions. I loved my teachers which was to be expected because they were nice older women. Mother figures I seriously lacked.

But, my family never really liked me much and for some reason that never changed. I think for my brothers it was little bit because of misogyny that developed as a result of being raised by a horrible woman. My paternal grandmother felt I was the final nail in the coffin for my father. I assume it must be hard as a mother to accept that your child married an addict because they too were an addict. It must be painful to understand your child ruined their own life using drugs rather than the children that "trapped" him in a chaotic marriage.

My aunt was always the elusive one that I could never understand or explain. But, I've given up on that relationship now. I've given up on all of them.

Flash forward 30 years and I am finally telling people, "no." No, I don't need our "relationship." I don't need that kind of "attention" anymore. I would rather be alone than be with you. And although there is some relief, it is also incredibly lonely. I am in my third trimester and about two weeks away from my due date and I feel so isolated this holiday season.

This is the first Christmas where I have nowhere to go and I am not okay with it. I envy women who have family that are excited about the upcoming new addition to the family. This is the first niece/grandchild in my family and no one wants to spoil her? If it was one of my brother's who were having a child it would be entirely different.

I am super sensitive about this because it reminds me of my own childhood. No one cared about me. No one seemed to like me much. I don't want that for her. I don't want her watching tv all day all alone eating whatever scraps she finds around the house. Her only companionship is with a cat. Her being beat or abused. I want people to want her like I wanted to be wanted.

There was a time in my life when I would have just drank through this without even realizing what issues I was trying to drown. When I realized this I thought I come here to vent or share my little epiphany.

If I never got sober for as long as I have been I would not have been able to see this clearly and would have continued to muddle through my life drunk and lost. It sucks but it would suck a whole lot more if I was drunk much like the rest of my family is right now.
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Old 12-23-2018, 02:22 PM
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I'm sorry for what you went through as a child. It's horrible to have to live in a situation like you did. I, too, was abused, physically and emotionally, as a child and it's difficult when you grow up with low self-esteem. Try to remember that you are not what your family thought of you.

I think you are doing the right thing by staying away from your family at this time. It sounds like a toxic situation. Many of us here have stepped away from our Families of Origin and tried to form new families with friends in our lives. In fact, many of us feel like SR is a family, too. I'm sorry you are so alone at this time. Do you have friends who you could spend some time with over Christmas?
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Old 12-23-2018, 03:13 PM
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I'm sorry for what you went through too, newhope.
I hope 2019 can be the year you can let all that go tho.

The pain and the mistreatment was bad enough without us re living it over and over again. It's an immense burden to carry.

I hope your nieces experience will be different - but, unless you have proof of abuse or maltreatment that you could take to the authorities, I think realistically all you can do this year is pray about that.

Congrats on your sober time.
Not drinking gave me the clarity and courage to see what I needed to do, newhope.

I got sober and gathered a new family around - one who respect me, value me, and want me around. I wish that for you too.

I hope you find something meaningful to do over Xmas - maybe here's a volunteering opportunity in your neighbourhood?

You could make someone else Xmas better, and in doing so make yours better too?

D
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Old 12-23-2018, 03:34 PM
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Sorry if my long rant was bit unclear.

When I said, "This is the first niece/grandchild in my family" I was referring to my own unborn daughter. And the mentioned examples of abuse following were issues I endured as a child.

So no worries about any children being currently abused.
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Old 12-23-2018, 03:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I'm sorry for what you went through as a child. It's horrible to have to live in a situation like you did. I, too, was abused, physically and emotionally, as a child and it's difficult when you grow up with low self-esteem. Try to remember that you are not what your family thought of you.

I think you are doing the right thing by staying away from your family at this time. It sounds like a toxic situation. Many of us here have stepped away from our Families of Origin and tried to form new families with friends in our lives. In fact, many of us feel like SR is a family, too. I'm sorry you are so alone at this time. Do you have friends who you could spend some time with over Christmas?
Thanks for your kind words; I think a lot folks who battle addiction tend to have similar stories in the childhood abuse department. I've heard some horror stories over the years that help me put my own issues into a better perspective.

Just need to let go of the need to understand why my family has decided to marginalize me. Besides, how would having a reason fix/change anything?
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Old 12-23-2018, 03:39 PM
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Sorry

Sorry about what you went through. My experience was not as bad, but I also had low self esteem and psychological problems. I did not really realize what was wrong with me for years. I knew something was wrong. I medicated with alcohol and weed. And sometimes other drugs. I don't know if it helps, but you have to realize (as I did) that your situation was not your fault. You did not pick that upbringing. If you can arrange counseling please go. And take the alcohol problem one day at a time. You can make progress and get better. Best of luck to you.
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Old 12-23-2018, 03:40 PM
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I’m very sorry, newhope, for your childhood pain.
I don’t know how one heals from such trauma, but I believe that not drinking and stepping away from toxic family members are two very positive things for you to do.
Thinking good thoughts for you.
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Old 12-23-2018, 03:58 PM
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I will not send platitudes.

But your opening post touched me deeply in the most GENUINE way.
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Old 12-23-2018, 04:03 PM
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Hi newhope, I'm so sorry for all that has happened to you.

I felt moved to tell you a little bit about my mum. Her own mother - my grandmother - abandoned her when she was just an infant, took her elder brother and left her with my grandfather. My mum never knew her real mother. As a very young child, mum was left with relatives who beat her. Eventually my grandfather remarried and had more children. His second wife mistreated my mum and favoured the younger children over her stepdaughter. Poor mum left home young and married my father, an alcoholic.

Please know that I'm not telling you this to compare stories of abuse and mistreatment . The part I want to tell you is my mum had four children and she loved them and continues to love them unconditionally. She promised herself her kids would never suffer what she suffered growing up. She walked away from her FOO. Her family wanted nothing to do with us children - we were treated like outsiders growing up. Eventually my dad and mum split up.

Mum is not perfect, of course. She suffers from low self esteem and insecurities, she is understandably quite neurotic about some things. But she has a heart of gold. And she will always have her kids and we love her beyond life itself.

Parts of my childhood were unhappy but the thing I could always count on was my mother's love.

That was my safe haven. That will be your child's gift from you.

Have a safe and sober Christmas.
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Old 12-23-2018, 04:34 PM
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Originally Posted by newhope01 View Post
Sorry if my long rant was bit unclear.

When I said, "This is the first niece/grandchild in my family" I was referring to my own unborn daughter. And the mentioned examples of abuse following were issues I endured as a child.

So no worries about any children being currently abused.
I'm sorry I misunderstood. Not wearing my glasses first thing in the morning.

As your childs mom you'll move heaven and earth to make sure no harm will come to her

Some family things need not be passed down

D
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Old 12-23-2018, 06:57 PM
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You should not have had to endure what you did as a child. I am so sorry, and I am sending lots of love and support to you as you get closer to your daughter’s birth. You say you feel so isolated. Is there anyone around you to support you and her? I hope there is but whatever the scenario you clearly have a strength to have gotten through what you did and gotten away from booze. So I know you can face it, whatever it is. Hugs to you and baby girl.
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Old 12-23-2018, 08:16 PM
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I cannot share in your experiences in your upbringing. It breaks my heart to hear a child can be treated so poorly. I can only offer you my thoughts of well being for you and your new child. i hope that you can show her the love that you both deserve.
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Old 12-23-2018, 08:30 PM
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I'm so sorry for all you have been through. You have a wonderful blessing waiting for you in 2019, becoming a mom!! Being a mom is the very best part of my life. I love my kids unconditionally, and would do anything for them. I know you will be that way as a mom as well.

As for family, I very much believe there is the family you're born into and the friends who become family. Sometimes the friends become more family than blood relatives.

I hope you are able to enjoy the holidays a little. Sending lots of love your way.
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Old 12-23-2018, 11:09 PM
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Originally Posted by MissPerfumado View Post

Mum is not perfect, of course. She suffers from low self esteem and insecurities, she is understandably quite neurotic about some things. But she has a heart of gold. And she will always have her kids and we love her beyond life itself.

Parts of my childhood were unhappy but the thing I could always count on was my mother's love.

That was my safe haven. That will be your child's gift from you.
I really appreciate you sharing your story with me. It touched me deeply and its comforting to know that these family "traditions" of dysfunctional behavior can be broken.
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Old 12-24-2018, 12:33 AM
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Families suck sometimes.

Like your....mine- many others.

But we have this place to 'talk' and share and support and learn. My past cannot hurt me any more than it did- if I do not let it. Brave words- hard sometimes. But the past is dust and memories. All we have is now- this moment. Then we have hope that when the next moment becomes this one-so we can get on with the rest of our lives.

My prayers and support to you.
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