SmallButMighty

Despite all the blessings in my life now, the holidays are still hard. The Ghost of Crappy Christmas Past still haunts me. I've tried really hard to not think about it, but I miss my family the most this time of year, it brings up memories of my daughter and my son as children. Even the happiest of those memories end up turning sad for a variety of reasons. I think I would like to visit my family for Christmas next year, but then there is the whole codie mum/sick bro situation. When I was a younger woman I didn't understand why some people got so upset during the holidays, I so get it now.

SO.. Happy/ Sad Christmas memories have me down..Missing my kids has me down...AND then to add to the stress, my husbands eldest child is bit of an issue.

SS#1 is 25. He is emotionally unbalanced and has been since he was teenager. He abuses alcohol and substances. He goes off and on his meds at will. His girlfriend is 21 and in the same boat, but neither of them has an oar in the water. When they first got together I tried really hard to foster a relationship with this young woman. She comes from a very difficult family situation and I had empathy. But I'm over it. Their relationship has been off again and on again for almost two years. They are unwell individually but together they are positively toxic. For the most part, this is not our problem. I made it very clear before I moved so far from where I lived to be here with my (now)husband, that I would not allow unhealthy addict behavior to negatively affect my life. For the most part it hasn't. SS#1 does not interact with us much anymore, because when he tried to manipulate us (the few times he tried) We shut that sh*t down pronto. He used to like me, now he doesn't. He used to be able to manipulate his Dad, now he can't. I'm going to assume there is a correlation there somewhere....

ANYWAYS..SS1 and his GF are in an on-again phase and he is bringing her over Christmas Day. I've been grinding my teeth about this for the last couple days. Obviously I am going to be polite despite the fact I'm going to be uncomfortable the whole time. It's always so awkward when he is here, add her and it gets worse. I'm glad it doesn't happen often. I understand my husband wants to see his child at Christmas so I am sucking it up like a good buttercup.

Since we will be opening presents, I feel it's right to get her a gift. Last year we went all out on them, not this year. (Since we are having a big family meal at FIL and SMIL's home Xmas Eve I'm not even cooking a big meal Xmas Day) But I'm still stuck on what to get this young woman, whom I do not like and who is a people user to the extreme. She is not a girly girl, so typical girl stuff is out. So far I got her a $5 box of chocolates. If anyone has any economical suggestions I am all ears!

I really tried this year, I really did! I decorated a tree for the first time since AXH and I had our final disastrous family Christmas 5 years ago ...when we were separated but still sharing a roof...That went about as well as you would expect it to. Uggggg... there is one of those memories... it just doesn't stop. It's depressing.

I'll be glad when the holidays are over and all these memories get packed up and put away with the decorations.

I feel better just having a place to vent. Thanks Team.

All my grumpiness aside, I truly hope everyone here manages to have a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday full of Love and Good Cheer.

trailmix

I get it. I am so over Christmas and have been for a few years. I have zero xmas "spirit" and I was thinking a few days ago "just have to get through Tuesday" and that's just from organizing xmas food. Not because I have to do much, I am cooking a turkey etc but because to be honest I just don't care and that is because of crappy xmas's past and that is that.

Now I don't want to rain on anyone's parade and I'll wish anyone a happy xmas (and mean it) but I don't care about the celebration and I managed to buy 1 xmas card this year, for my new nephew, because he hasn't had any crappy xmas's yet lol

So yeah, I'm with you on this one.

Most of my family (Sisters) live elsewhere, so that's an issue, both live in different places even. Their family has left here to go there, so I do have the cat to feed and I'm sure she enjoys the tree haha

Ok i'm rambling.

The thing is, I have to question why you are adding another crappy Christmas to the list. Honestly, if I were you I would bow out of the entire day and take myself off elsewhere. People get us in to these crappy situations and we are always supposed to rise to the occasion. When do you say enough?

As for the gift, I would buy a gift certificate or something for the household, like tea light holders and some tea lights, or something like that, inexpensive and who doesn't like candles.

Then I would wrap it, leave it under the tree, check in to a nice hotel and have dinner sent up.

Yeah I know, you aren't going to do that, but wouldn't it be great!

SmallButMighty

It would be great! But you are right, I wont do that. I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment. 'Tis the season and all that blah blah blah... I can put on a happy face for my husband's sake. He is very worried about this son and the kid's life choices but he also knows it is all out of his hands. DH does not approve of the gf or the relationship either but he does want a relationship with his son and for now they are a package deal. An unhealthy, toxic package.

I went and wandered around a discount store this afternoon and found some coloring books(the kind designed to alleviate stress etc) and some paint pens for a very good deal so that's what she gets. I think she will like them. House hold items were out as they have 4 other room mates in a 4 bedroom apartment. And in the bedroom they share they also have their three dogs(2 big ones and a medium) so I also got them a pet hair remover lint brush thingy... they need it. I hope it isn't insulting, but considering their living conditions, they are damn hard to buy for!

I've been thinking about this all day... and I'm 99% sure I will go to visit my own family next Xmas. I wont stay with my mother though, I'll do the airbnb thing and have my own space, that way we don't end up on the evening news.

Frying pan? Fryer?... Maybe fly away for a tropical vacation instead!

thequest

Right on, I can't agree more. Especially since I've approached old fart territory. Xmas is for kids and family who hasn't seen each other in a while. But for the usual crowd it's just another excuse to eat, party, get drunk and maybe argue. I've seen blowouts/ups have repercussions for years on end.

Throw in the fact I've had too many jobs where I had to work nights, weekends and holidays where missing a holiday or family dinner was no big deal. Life goes on. In the day and age of email, cell phones etc there is much less reason not communicate with various people all year long and not just at the holidays.

People fall into the trap of raised/false expectations and the contrived pressure to have a "merry" and perfect xmas. It's not going to happen. Still have family that has dinner on a schedule which includes an intinerary with timers constantly going off in the kitchen/background(which doesn't necessarily make the food any better by the way). The goal is getting family on their way who have their own schedule, not a laid back get together.

Xmas and other holidays are hyped because 50 years they were a bigger deal without email, cell phones and easier travel. Friends and family could literally catch up without covering the same topics(Anything new since the last time I saw you 3 days ago?). I used to look forward to seeing people I hadn't seen in a while but it turns into the sos real fast now a days.

trailmix

Yeah maybe that's it. I talk to my one sister daily. Now don't get me wrong, i'm not cynical and if I was at one of their places for xmas I would be buying gifts and playing board games too, I just don't buy in to the hype.

I am grateful.

I'm grateful for my family. If I see a gift they might like I just buy it and send it, it doesn't have to be xmas.

So yeah, I don't need to focus on one day, I think that's the thing and as for blah get-togethers, I don't do those whether it's Christmas or not lol.

I DO understand doing it for others though, so I totally get that SBM. Yes, book a tropical vacation for next year! Everyone will have plenty of notice and they will all understand.

marie1960

I suggest a gift certificate to a restaurant , or a department store gift card. Put it in a pretty card holder gift box and ta da. Done

OpheliaKatz

So far (cross my toes), I have been having a pretty peaceful Christmas. Family doesn't drink (much), usually there's a meal at someone's house. We don't bother with presents, although I like to get them for people and I just say, "you did the cooking, so that's your present to me"... and it's okay. I am determined to make this Christmas a Christmas for ME. I did a whole lot of cleaning, organizing of papers, sort of gearing up for 2019 to be a better year.

I wonder if you can try to think of it that way? Also, I have never had anyone's parents give me a present, even when I was younger and dating their son. The most they gave me was a card with something nice written inside it, even if I had gone for dinner at their house. Sometimes they would send me home with extra dessert. Also, I didn't buy anyone's parents' presents, so it went both ways. I sometimes brought flowers for their table... as "thank you" for inviting me.

If I were you, I would not worry about what to give her. Chocolate is probably enough. If you like to get a card and gift card, that's enough. I think any more is too much. Who knows how long they will stay together this time? She's the girlfriend, not the wife.

If you are not Christian, you actually have no obligation to celebrate Christmas at all: you don't have to go to church, see family, or give anyone gifts -- and out of those three the only true obligation is going to church. I know there is a cultural expectation to celebrate with gifts and stuffed birds, but unless you have religious obligations, then you have a legitimate reason to use the holiday break for self-care.

Also, as my parents have aged, their adult children have taken over the planning of family get-togethers. I don't know when my mother started doing it, but at some point, every November, she started calling her offspring and asking whose house she was going to for Christmas dinner. So we got the hint. However, I am not sure if you have children or step children mature enough for this type of responsibility.

The hotel room idea sounds great. You need to remember that you need a gift too!

Seren

Describes the relationship with my SS to a T! The late Mr. Seren stopped enabling once we had been together for a while, and I became the evil stepmom etc. Oh well....

As far as gifts? Well, pair of gloves perhaps?

Hang in there!! Hopefully it will only be a couple of hours, right?

Mango212

Go with your gut. The coloring book and paint pens are a great idea.

One day at a time.

Having a vision for next year seems like a great idea, too.

SmallButMighty

I am glad your holiday season has been peaceful so far Ophelia! That is wonderful, it must feel great to be as prepared as you have set yourself up to be next year!

Between DH and I we have four kids, 20-25 years old. Not one of them is in a situation where they could host a holiday gathering of any kind. (Even if we bought all the food) I've already detailed eldest SS's situation, and the younger one is living in our backyard "cabin". My two kids live 3K miles away. DD is living in a tiny apartment with her BF and my 20yr DS is very well employed but also very nomadic. It's going to be a while before this mama gets to depend on any of them to take up the holiday reigns.

I am not a religious person, so you are right, if it's not about celebrating the birth of Christ for me and my family, why should any of us get all tied in knots about it? Stress is not supposed to be the reason for the season! For us, it has always been about family time. I guess when I think about it, I'm kind of stuck in the past about the whole thing. My kids are grown now, living their own lives on their own terms. Reminiscing about Christmases past, good and bad, only serves to make me depressed, worrying about how things will go with SS#1 and his GF has me anxious... so I need to cut that out!

It's a good reminder to me that thinking about the past is depressing and thinking about the future is anxiety inducing, but living in the moment is where peace is achieved.

I'm going to go bake some cookies!