Freedom of choice
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Freedom of choice
I have learned the importance of letting go and letting them make their own choices....
My H was really struggling this weekend.......and he was blaming me for not drinking.......he said if it wasnt for him he would be happy right now and having fun, relaxing with his father.
He is really seeing me as bad, I am stopping all his fun, he went along time without drinking and he can control it now.....and it is not going to hurt anything by having a couple with his father and why dont you just go away....
He was really, really bad Saturday night.......he was getting very angry with me, It was kinda sad, because he was practically begging me to drink.
I didnt want to say this to him, but I did......I told him if he is not drinking because of me, than dont let me stop him......I told him that I am not going to freak out......I am not going to be mad........I said to him look if you chose to drink, I cant bare to watch it......so If that is what you decide....i will leave with the kids........I told him that I will be fine I am just going to leave with the kids for awhile, because I am scared of you when you are drinking.
What I am doing is trying to give it back to him......give back to him his freedom of choice......something I should never have tried to own myself..
What do you think??
My H was really struggling this weekend.......and he was blaming me for not drinking.......he said if it wasnt for him he would be happy right now and having fun, relaxing with his father.
He is really seeing me as bad, I am stopping all his fun, he went along time without drinking and he can control it now.....and it is not going to hurt anything by having a couple with his father and why dont you just go away....
He was really, really bad Saturday night.......he was getting very angry with me, It was kinda sad, because he was practically begging me to drink.
I didnt want to say this to him, but I did......I told him if he is not drinking because of me, than dont let me stop him......I told him that I am not going to freak out......I am not going to be mad........I said to him look if you chose to drink, I cant bare to watch it......so If that is what you decide....i will leave with the kids........I told him that I will be fine I am just going to leave with the kids for awhile, because I am scared of you when you are drinking.
What I am doing is trying to give it back to him......give back to him his freedom of choice......something I should never have tried to own myself..
What do you think??
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
gracey - you are right on - it's his decision and if he stops it should be for himself not because you or anyone else wants him to. sounds like you have set a boundary and i think you are really getting it! wish i could say the same for me but baby steps for me - really small baby steps!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Gracey, what happened when you laid this out for your husband? He is very odd, why would he blame you for not drinking when you told him he could .... so he blames you for his drinking and then for his not drinking? Gosh, if that is the case you are in a no win situation no matter what you do.
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He chose not to drink. He said until I can except the fact that he can drink without me freaking out or having to leave, than he will not drink.
I just repeated myself, and said, I dont want to be the reason you are not drinking you have to do this for yourself and I will not tell you , you cant drink......this is your choice, and than I told him that I am scared when he drinks so if he does decide to drink that I will take the kids and leave for awhile....
So he did say GREAT see, if I drink than you leave...........and you tell me I have a choice.........I think that is when I said to him, I wont freak out, I wont be mad, I am truely scared of you when you drink and I am not leaving as a punishment for you, I am leaving because I cant bare to see you drink and I am scared of you when you drink......I wont be gone forever I am just going to leave for awhile....
I just repeated myself, and said, I dont want to be the reason you are not drinking you have to do this for yourself and I will not tell you , you cant drink......this is your choice, and than I told him that I am scared when he drinks so if he does decide to drink that I will take the kids and leave for awhile....
So he did say GREAT see, if I drink than you leave...........and you tell me I have a choice.........I think that is when I said to him, I wont freak out, I wont be mad, I am truely scared of you when you drink and I am not leaving as a punishment for you, I am leaving because I cant bare to see you drink and I am scared of you when you drink......I wont be gone forever I am just going to leave for awhile....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Gracey, he is manipulating your words and you. You have already set your boundary, he knows how you feel. You need to stop threatening and holding it over his head. If he drinks you leave like you mentioned to him SEVERAL times before.
There is no need to rehash this ...... he'll know why you left.
There is no need to rehash this ...... he'll know why you left.
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So when he asks me if it is okay to drink, like he did on Saturday, how do I handle it??
I know what he is doing, he wants me to tell him it is okay and that I wont leave.....and I cant do that......so everytime he brings it up, I respond in that way....what should I do just leave, when he asks me.....at that point he hasnt crossed my boundaries, but he does know what they are......he is asking me first if I will freak out.......should I tell him I never want him to ask that question again, because the answer will always be the same?
I really dont think I am continously threatening him or holding anything over his head.....I am only responding to him when he asks, is that wrong??
I know what he is doing, he wants me to tell him it is okay and that I wont leave.....and I cant do that......so everytime he brings it up, I respond in that way....what should I do just leave, when he asks me.....at that point he hasnt crossed my boundaries, but he does know what they are......he is asking me first if I will freak out.......should I tell him I never want him to ask that question again, because the answer will always be the same?
I really dont think I am continously threatening him or holding anything over his head.....I am only responding to him when he asks, is that wrong??
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Gracey,
I agree with ASpouse in that there is no need to rehash this. One response might be to not say anything. Like with a child who will same some crazy things at times, if you don't acknowledge the statement there is nothing to handle. Not every statement a person makes requires a response. Some times people speak to hear themselves talk.
Other options
"My concern for my safety when you are drinking hasn't changed". No need to rehash as ASpouse noted above.
You've set and stated your boundaries. Give youself some time to get used to the enforcing them. It will get easier with time.
Wishing you the best,
Petunia
I agree with ASpouse in that there is no need to rehash this. One response might be to not say anything. Like with a child who will same some crazy things at times, if you don't acknowledge the statement there is nothing to handle. Not every statement a person makes requires a response. Some times people speak to hear themselves talk.
Other options
"My concern for my safety when you are drinking hasn't changed". No need to rehash as ASpouse noted above.
You've set and stated your boundaries. Give youself some time to get used to the enforcing them. It will get easier with time.
Wishing you the best,
Petunia
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I think Petunia answered your question for you. How mentally draining it must be to go over this time and time and time and time and time again!
Gracey, he is manipulating you and you are not getting beyond the first point. Get used to your boundaries, he knows them, you know them. If he drinks, then leave with no fanfare, no nothing. Again, he'll know why you left.
Gracey, he is manipulating you and you are not getting beyond the first point. Get used to your boundaries, he knows them, you know them. If he drinks, then leave with no fanfare, no nothing. Again, he'll know why you left.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Gracey
You're doing really well, but I agree with the others - you seem to have a bit of a mental block going on.
He is asking you if he can drink so that he can turn around and say "it's your fault". Next time he asks, just say "it's your decision". If he continues, just repeat what you've said. No additions, no explanations. If he then drinks, do what you have said you'll do and leave the house.
There was another thread about this a little while ago - http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=43068
This guy is supposed to be an adult, but he is behaving like a child. If you act like his parent, he will always respond as a child. The only way around this is to take the emotion out of the situation and just state facts and set and enforce your boundaries. I know it's hard, hon, I've been there.
Please stop letting his every move dictate your life.
(((hugs)))
Minnie
xxxx
You're doing really well, but I agree with the others - you seem to have a bit of a mental block going on.
He is asking you if he can drink so that he can turn around and say "it's your fault". Next time he asks, just say "it's your decision". If he continues, just repeat what you've said. No additions, no explanations. If he then drinks, do what you have said you'll do and leave the house.
There was another thread about this a little while ago - http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=43068
This guy is supposed to be an adult, but he is behaving like a child. If you act like his parent, he will always respond as a child. The only way around this is to take the emotion out of the situation and just state facts and set and enforce your boundaries. I know it's hard, hon, I've been there.
Please stop letting his every move dictate your life.
(((hugs)))
Minnie
xxxx
Barn Goddess
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by Gracey
So when he asks me if it is okay to drink, like he did on Saturday, how do I handle it??
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
(((Gracey)))
You're trying to reason with someone who can't be reasoned with. He is manipulating everything you say no matter WHAT you say and you are desperately trying to make him understand what you're saying. It's a losing battle.
You have set your boundary if he drinks and you've stated why, you don't have to say it again, he heard you loud and clear.
When he asks if it's OK to drink you say "You're an adult and responsible for your own decisions."----and put it on him! don't say anything else to give him any reason to "argue his case against you."
Let go and let him own his actions.
Stay strong ((hugs))
You're trying to reason with someone who can't be reasoned with. He is manipulating everything you say no matter WHAT you say and you are desperately trying to make him understand what you're saying. It's a losing battle.
You have set your boundary if he drinks and you've stated why, you don't have to say it again, he heard you loud and clear.
When he asks if it's OK to drink you say "You're an adult and responsible for your own decisions."----and put it on him! don't say anything else to give him any reason to "argue his case against you."
Let go and let him own his actions.
Stay strong ((hugs))
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I do feel like I am being worn down everytime he asks me........I felt guilty Saturday when I didnt change my mind.....It was almost like I wanted to console him, because he was feeling so bad....so this is part of the play.......
It is like taking a bottle away from a baby.......if you are consistent and follow through, the baby will no you mean business.
the baby didnt make me feel guilty........I made myself feel guilty.....I felt guilty because I was the big meanie taking away something that the baby loved and when I seen the baby cry......I knew I could fix it by just giving in.......the baby would be happy again.....but I was just making it harder on myself because I knew that this baby needed to be weened...I think I get it.....
I have told him enough, he knows how I feel and now I need to be consistent and follow through. Next time it gets brought up I will tell him not to ask me anymore that he needs to decide for himself..and drop it and walk away...and if he chooses to drink he will not be surprised if I leave. So he will no that I mean business.
This is going to be very hard, because he follows me around and he dont leave me alone until he is satisfied.
It is like taking a bottle away from a baby.......if you are consistent and follow through, the baby will no you mean business.
the baby didnt make me feel guilty........I made myself feel guilty.....I felt guilty because I was the big meanie taking away something that the baby loved and when I seen the baby cry......I knew I could fix it by just giving in.......the baby would be happy again.....but I was just making it harder on myself because I knew that this baby needed to be weened...I think I get it.....
I have told him enough, he knows how I feel and now I need to be consistent and follow through. Next time it gets brought up I will tell him not to ask me anymore that he needs to decide for himself..and drop it and walk away...and if he chooses to drink he will not be surprised if I leave. So he will no that I mean business.
This is going to be very hard, because he follows me around and he dont leave me alone until he is satisfied.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Gracey I understand that you are using an analogy when speaking of a baby, but perhaps you can change that. Thinking of your husband as a baby is not good for you or for him. He is an adult, a grown man.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Originally Posted by Gracey
...I felt guilty Saturday when I didnt change my mind.....
I know just what you are talking about. I was consumed with guilt in regards to my H.
When I really understood that his life is not my responsbility, he is a grown man, he is perfectly capable of making his own decisions - that is when the guilt began to go away.
He didn't want me to understand this. He knew that my guilt was the glue that kept me with him. Talking to him, listening to him, arguing with him were not helping my situation. I had to step out of all of that and figure things out for myself.
It doesn't matter what you say to him, it doesn't matter how he feels, it doesn't matter whether he drinks or not. It matters that you feel guilty about all of it. Concentrate on that.
Hugs - L
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