The hits keep coming
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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The hits keep coming
So on the topic of who TF did I marry, getting prepared for court going through all the charges. Can you say strip clubs and gambling then a week later family holiday. I feel sick. How can you spend hundreds of dollars on lap dances and then go spend time with your teenage daughter, and claim to value women. This was well before separating wtf? My court date is coming in January and I really hope I don't have to involve our adult children but this is sick.
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Oh, my!!! I'm so sorry to read this!
Wow. That would have left me reeling, too! It's so horrifying to learn things like this about people we have loved and trusted and thought we knew...
Take your time to process this. I think when I learned my ex-husband was having an affair, I questioned every action he ever took during our marriage and wondered if I ever really knew him. So I get it.
I hope you were able to get some sleep last night and are feeling just a bit better today! Remember, his actions are not at all a reflection on you!
Wow. That would have left me reeling, too! It's so horrifying to learn things like this about people we have loved and trusted and thought we knew...
Take your time to process this. I think when I learned my ex-husband was having an affair, I questioned every action he ever took during our marriage and wondered if I ever really knew him. So I get it.
I hope you were able to get some sleep last night and are feeling just a bit better today! Remember, his actions are not at all a reflection on you!
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I honestly don't know how much more I can take. Part of me wants the whole truth and then the more info I get I think how could I have misjudged a persons character that badly. When I first joined this site years ago under a different name I read the stories and thought wow THOSE people are married to a monster at least my situation isn't that bad, and then one by one the hits come. 1)drunken car accident with our child 2)hiding booze in so many places 3)lying about anything and everything 4)the ungodly amount of spending on alcohol 5)abandoning me when I had cancer 6)complete manipulation of all his relationships 7)ruining his relationships with his children 8) infidelity 9) financial bullying of our family 10) and now spending what could be college money on lap dances and gambling. - I am married to that monster all while he says "I do everything for my family" "I am the best guy I know" This is beyond the disease of alcohol I think. My daughter will never have a father who values her as an equal member of society. My son will never have a father he can look up to. They deserve so much more than this. I wasted 25 years of my life on a man with no character but worse than that I wasted theirs and it makes me sick!
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dawn 
Please try not to beat yourself up too much! (Says the woman currently not very happy with herself, lol!)
I think when we know better, we do better. It is profoundly disturbing to learn things like you have learned over the years about your husband. But...now you do know. And you can do better to improve your life and the lives of your children
Hang in there!!
Please try not to beat yourself up too much! (Says the woman currently not very happy with herself, lol!)
I think when we know better, we do better. It is profoundly disturbing to learn things like you have learned over the years about your husband. But...now you do know. And you can do better to improve your life and the lives of your children
Hang in there!!
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Hi dawnrising,
I'm sorry for what you're going through. (((hugs)))
Try to take a step back. As personal as this feels, he isn't doing this "at" you or the children. Extreme self-care for you is necessary. How does this look right now? Alanon meetings or sponsor? Family addiction recovery counseling? A cup of bulletproof coffee?
I'm sorry for what you're going through. (((hugs)))
Try to take a step back. As personal as this feels, he isn't doing this "at" you or the children. Extreme self-care for you is necessary. How does this look right now? Alanon meetings or sponsor? Family addiction recovery counseling? A cup of bulletproof coffee?
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Originally Posted by Mango212 
Hi dawnrising,
I'm sorry for what you're going through. (((hugs)))
Try to take a step back. As personal as this feels, he isn't doing this "at" you or the children. Extreme self-care for you is necessary. How does this look right now? Alanon meetings or sponsor? Family addiction recovery counseling? A cup of bulletproof coffee?
I'm sorry for what you're going through. (((hugs)))
Try to take a step back. As personal as this feels, he isn't doing this "at" you or the children. Extreme self-care for you is necessary. How does this look right now? Alanon meetings or sponsor? Family addiction recovery counseling? A cup of bulletproof coffee?
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I wasted 25 years of my life on a man with no character but worse than that I wasted theirs and it makes me sick!
Easy does it. I hear a lot of self-blame here! Your children's lives have not been wasted, they, exactly as they are and how you love them, would not exist without that father. And as your consciousness has grown you are making wise and healthy choices. And setting a new and brighter example for them that will not be lost on them.
As Seren described it: you are doing better as you know better.
For all the bad examples my exH displayed for my kids, I had to own the example of self-flagellation and being unforgiving of myself, which I have absolutely seen in both my kids :-( They didn't get that from Dad, he has never examined his behavior long enough or honestly enough to feel guilty or blame himself for anything LOL!
Wrap yourself and your children in some positive light - you are survivors - you may be learning things the hard way but at least you ARE learning!!
Peace,
B.
Easy does it. I hear a lot of self-blame here! Your children's lives have not been wasted, they, exactly as they are and how you love them, would not exist without that father. And as your consciousness has grown you are making wise and healthy choices. And setting a new and brighter example for them that will not be lost on them.
As Seren described it: you are doing better as you know better.
For all the bad examples my exH displayed for my kids, I had to own the example of self-flagellation and being unforgiving of myself, which I have absolutely seen in both my kids :-( They didn't get that from Dad, he has never examined his behavior long enough or honestly enough to feel guilty or blame himself for anything LOL!
Wrap yourself and your children in some positive light - you are survivors - you may be learning things the hard way but at least you ARE learning!!
Peace,
B.
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We never think it will happen to us but marriages end because of reasons other than alcoholism all the time. I found out about my husbands possible affair two months after I left. He also started going to some exclusive make out clubs and stuff right after - atleast I got to see the true him- he was trying to be someone he's not while he was with me . It took a mental toll on me- all these revelations but someone once told me- God only shows us things when he knows that we will be able to handle it. It is harddd. It plays with your mind- I believe the term for it is cognitive dissonance and I have been suffering from it. I just keep asking that knowing that he is not divorced , knowing that he was someone's husband , how did the girl not feel a tinge of guilt ? But likes attract likes. Do something nice for yourself. Pamper yourself . Grow as a person . Find yourself again - that's the best gift you will give yourself .
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I think the answer to the affair while someone is still married is one of two things. Either that is not part of their "moral makeup" or they are in denial.
Who knows what the Husband tells his mistress. We've heard stories on here of people who have overheard their Husband on the phone saying oh you are so wonderful and dissing the wife and then doing the same in reverse with the wife/girlfriend.
Now i'm not saying it's right, just that denial isn't exclusive to alcoholism.
It's so tough when someone is one way and then reveals another side, some people only show what they think others want to see. They may want a "normal" life with a wonderful wife and children but that's not really them and you can't have both.
They may have fooled themselves in to thinking that they could "settle down" and have a great life with a family (and quit drinking and be a great Husband and Father) but in reality that wasn't the case. I'm sure they probably didn't put any long term thought in to that.
And again, not defending any of that by any stretch, just discussing the subject (because sometimes that helps).
Who knows what the Husband tells his mistress. We've heard stories on here of people who have overheard their Husband on the phone saying oh you are so wonderful and dissing the wife and then doing the same in reverse with the wife/girlfriend.
Now i'm not saying it's right, just that denial isn't exclusive to alcoholism.
It's so tough when someone is one way and then reveals another side, some people only show what they think others want to see. They may want a "normal" life with a wonderful wife and children but that's not really them and you can't have both.
They may have fooled themselves in to thinking that they could "settle down" and have a great life with a family (and quit drinking and be a great Husband and Father) but in reality that wasn't the case. I'm sure they probably didn't put any long term thought in to that.
And again, not defending any of that by any stretch, just discussing the subject (because sometimes that helps).
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
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Dawn, I also thought "who TF am I married to?" before my divorce. The thing with some people is that they have issues, like alcohol, or drugs, or they are just not very nice people. But they WANT to be nice people... so they get you, someone gullible (in my case, me), and they pretend. They don't think they are pretending, they think they are "trying"... and they think they are doing it for you. At least, I knew my ExAh thought he was doing me a favor because his ego is just that humongous. Part of that "trying" may be lying about their addiction. Another part is manipulation. After a while, this gets exhausting... so they just throw in the towel, have a couple drinks too many, and hit the strip clubs and they come home and their masks fall off. Underneath the facade is a very scary, very fractured person. They don't like what it looks like either so they don't look, they just drink or drug.
At least... that is how I see it. Don't blame yourself for everything. You are doing the best thing for you and your kids by trying to leave the situation now.
You also have no idea what your husband has said to his mistress, his family, his friends... etc. When I got involved with my ExAh, I met his friends, his family, talked to mutual friends. Everyone had a story about how the ex-wife wasn't good enough for him -- everyone had a story. No one ever indicated that he was cheating on her or that the relationship was not really over. Although I have no proof of this, I am almost certain now that he was cheating on her and he also cheated on me... because that is what he does: he is an expert liar, and liars keep secrets. I think he wanted to keep his options open, just in case I wasn't a good enough enabler, he could have someone to go back to and get money from. Now I know that he treated everyone the way he treated her and me and there were no exceptions. The humiliation I feel from having been in a relationship with him for as long as I was, is palpable.
You are doing the best you can right now by leaving. You just need to go through the motions.
At least... that is how I see it. Don't blame yourself for everything. You are doing the best thing for you and your kids by trying to leave the situation now.
You also have no idea what your husband has said to his mistress, his family, his friends... etc. When I got involved with my ExAh, I met his friends, his family, talked to mutual friends. Everyone had a story about how the ex-wife wasn't good enough for him -- everyone had a story. No one ever indicated that he was cheating on her or that the relationship was not really over. Although I have no proof of this, I am almost certain now that he was cheating on her and he also cheated on me... because that is what he does: he is an expert liar, and liars keep secrets. I think he wanted to keep his options open, just in case I wasn't a good enough enabler, he could have someone to go back to and get money from. Now I know that he treated everyone the way he treated her and me and there were no exceptions. The humiliation I feel from having been in a relationship with him for as long as I was, is palpable.
You are doing the best you can right now by leaving. You just need to go through the motions.
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The thing with some people is that they have issues, like alcohol, or drugs, or they are just not very nice people. But they WANT to be nice people... so they get you, someone gullible (in my case, me), and they pretend. They don't think they are pretending, they think they are "trying"... and they think they are doing it for you. At least, I knew my ExAh thought he was doing me a favor because his ego is just that humongous. Part of that "trying" may be lying about their addiction. Another part is manipulation. After a while, this gets exhausting... so they just throw in the towel, have a couple drinks too many, and hit the strip clubs and they come home and their masks fall off. Underneath the facade is a very scary, very fractured person. They don't like what it looks like either so they don't look, they just drink or drug.
^This is what I have always wondered Ophelia- if the newly exposed is his true self. I would have never married someone like that, not even given him the time of day, but I fell for the act and little by little started doubting myself instead of appropriately doubting him. I am angry with myself for making excuses along the way. I do forgive myself but part of me is afraid to trust my judgement in the future even though I have done the work figuring out how and why I allowed this to happen. Just trying to come to terms I guess, one step forward and then more info pulls me 2 steps back. I only want to go forward uuuuggghhhhh!
^This is what I have always wondered Ophelia- if the newly exposed is his true self. I would have never married someone like that, not even given him the time of day, but I fell for the act and little by little started doubting myself instead of appropriately doubting him. I am angry with myself for making excuses along the way. I do forgive myself but part of me is afraid to trust my judgement in the future even though I have done the work figuring out how and why I allowed this to happen. Just trying to come to terms I guess, one step forward and then more info pulls me 2 steps back. I only want to go forward uuuuggghhhhh!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by dawnrising
^This is what I have always wondered Ophelia- if the newly exposed is his true self. I would have never married someone like that, not even given him the time of day, but I fell for the act and little by little started doubting myself instead of appropriately doubting him. I am angry with myself for making excuses along the way. I do forgive myself but part of me is afraid to trust my judgement in the future even though I have done the work figuring out how and why I allowed this to happen. Just trying to come to terms I guess, one step forward and then more info pulls me 2 steps back. I only want to go forward uuuuggghhhhh!
The mistakes you made are the mistakes that we all have made when our loved ones became addicted! It takes a pro not to make those mistakes. You had NO control over the situation. If you pride yourself on being competent, this is going to really hurt cause you will feel that you "failed" something even though you gave it 110% of your effort. But this is not a question of effort. Addiction takes hostages. The first hostage is the addict. The second are his/her loved ones. You were a hostage from the start.
It's not that the "good" side of your husband wasn't "really him"... it's that that was part of him, just like being an addict is part of him. He's the whole, disturbing, complicated, yucky package.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Have you ever heard the story of the two wolves? It goes like this: there are two wolves fighting perpetually inside every person. One wolf is good, the other wolf is evil. The wolf that wins is the wolf you feed. It looks like your husband was feeding the wrong wolf.
When two people are joined in a relationship, they sort of "merge". They act as a unit, usually. So while you were with him, you may have inadvertently been feeding the wrong wolf. Now you can take stock of where you have been and make plans to right things for you and your children.
When two people are joined in a relationship, they sort of "merge". They act as a unit, usually. So while you were with him, you may have inadvertently been feeding the wrong wolf. Now you can take stock of where you have been and make plans to right things for you and your children.
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OpheliaKatz- what a wonderful analogy for me (I work with horses.) It takes a very long time to rehab an unhealthy animal whether starving, wormy or having injuries. You have to scrub the granulated tissue until it bleeds a little and then new healthier scar tissue can form, treat the worms slowly but only after establishing a gentle but regular feeding schedule so they are strong enough to withstand the other treatments. It sometimes takes months and that’s just for the surface injuries, the trust issues with horses (and people) take everyday exposure to predictable behavior. Maybe my feeding schedule needs to be self care so I can withstand what’s coming. I am always telling my horses “easy” when treating them, challenging them, or calming them, maybe I need to tell myself the same. I’m a very visual learner so your wolf analogy is so helpful gives me an image I can work towards. I stopped feeding the evil wolf but I never started feeding the good wolf in myself, I just have been frustrated that it still doesn’t seem to be thriving. Time to feed the good one some self care. Thank you.
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