Putting what I've learned into practice - the breakup
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Putting what I've learned into practice - the breakup
aka. Practice what I preach.
So, the man I've been dating broke up with me today. For those keeping score, that's 2 breakups in a 6 month period of time.
As per usual, I've been crying quite a bit today.
Here's what gets me. This man, although really a great guy, is not the guy for me. I've known this for a while. He's known for while that I'm not the gal for him. Yet, I'm still completely gutted by this.
I'm shaking my head at myself right now, and I'll be crying again later tonight, I'm sure.
After everything I've learned, why have I allowed this to bring me to a place of feeling ugly and unloveable?
Progress, not perfection, right?
So, the man I've been dating broke up with me today. For those keeping score, that's 2 breakups in a 6 month period of time.
As per usual, I've been crying quite a bit today.
Here's what gets me. This man, although really a great guy, is not the guy for me. I've known this for a while. He's known for while that I'm not the gal for him. Yet, I'm still completely gutted by this.
I'm shaking my head at myself right now, and I'll be crying again later tonight, I'm sure.
After everything I've learned, why have I allowed this to bring me to a place of feeling ugly and unloveable?
Progress, not perfection, right?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Seren…...rejection feel like rejection....which is one of the most profoundly painful of emotions....from birth, onward.....
We social creatures need to feel connected and valued and "protected"....not alone or deserted....It is in our wiring....
And...it doesn't even matter who and why---when those bonds are broken....it cuts into us deeply....
Nobody gets spared, when this happens....None of us are immune to this kind of pain...."Codie" or not codie….we all bleed the same, when this happens. I don't think it is all about codie.
It doesn't matter how evolved we have become or fabulous we might be...or how much we think we have immunized ourselves with our learning....we all bleed the same...
It is well known that the brain processes rejection in almost the same way that physical pain does....except, that we seem to have a longer term sensitivity to rejection than the memory of a broken leg...
Seren, I am so sorry that this has happened...I know what that sick to the stomach feeling is like.
Now, I know that all this intellectualizing probably won't make you feel one molecule better---but, I can just add couple of things that have helped me with this green eyed worst of emotions....
When some guy hasn't been as into me as I needed/wanted....I have told myself that "If I wasn't the one for him---then, he damn sure wasn't the one for me...and he is going to miss out on the bounty that I have to offer. I have good to offer, that he is missing out on". "I only want someone who is into me."
"There might be a lot who aren't....but, there are millions, out there, who would be... who could be.."
People who study this stuff, say that most romantic "rejection" is not about inadequacy of either person, but, is about basic compatibility issues..
Warning--do not negatively label yourself (like you already have, as ugly and unlovable)...don't lament and obsess over your PERCIEVED short-comings. Curb negative self talk. Since much rejection is about a bad matching or, perhaps, circumstances....don't beat yourself up.
This probably will sound lame to you but....consciously make an effort to think of the top 5 best qualities that you posses...and do a review and remember the times you have been successful, in your life....when you have shone, or overcome....
Seren I don't think that anybody is keeping count, except you, of course...lol....
but 2 in six months is not even close to a record....
I know you are hurting, and I think that crying is Nature's gift, during such times....it helps to do externalize the negative energy....
Let it out and try to do some self soothing things......
We social creatures need to feel connected and valued and "protected"....not alone or deserted....It is in our wiring....
And...it doesn't even matter who and why---when those bonds are broken....it cuts into us deeply....
Nobody gets spared, when this happens....None of us are immune to this kind of pain...."Codie" or not codie….we all bleed the same, when this happens. I don't think it is all about codie.
It doesn't matter how evolved we have become or fabulous we might be...or how much we think we have immunized ourselves with our learning....we all bleed the same...
It is well known that the brain processes rejection in almost the same way that physical pain does....except, that we seem to have a longer term sensitivity to rejection than the memory of a broken leg...
Seren, I am so sorry that this has happened...I know what that sick to the stomach feeling is like.
Now, I know that all this intellectualizing probably won't make you feel one molecule better---but, I can just add couple of things that have helped me with this green eyed worst of emotions....
When some guy hasn't been as into me as I needed/wanted....I have told myself that "If I wasn't the one for him---then, he damn sure wasn't the one for me...and he is going to miss out on the bounty that I have to offer. I have good to offer, that he is missing out on". "I only want someone who is into me."
"There might be a lot who aren't....but, there are millions, out there, who would be... who could be.."
People who study this stuff, say that most romantic "rejection" is not about inadequacy of either person, but, is about basic compatibility issues..
Warning--do not negatively label yourself (like you already have, as ugly and unlovable)...don't lament and obsess over your PERCIEVED short-comings. Curb negative self talk. Since much rejection is about a bad matching or, perhaps, circumstances....don't beat yourself up.
This probably will sound lame to you but....consciously make an effort to think of the top 5 best qualities that you posses...and do a review and remember the times you have been successful, in your life....when you have shone, or overcome....
Seren I don't think that anybody is keeping count, except you, of course...lol....
but 2 in six months is not even close to a record....
I know you are hurting, and I think that crying is Nature's gift, during such times....it helps to do externalize the negative energy....
Let it out and try to do some self soothing things......
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Thank you, dandy! Yes, I "know" all the intellectual things. I don't want to try to be something I'm not just to be part of this man's life. And yet...that is part of my thought process this evening--how to change myself. Unbelievable, really!
At least I recognize it, and I'm grateful for that! SMH....
At least I recognize it, and I'm grateful for that! SMH....
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I'm sorry you're feeling sad Seren, is it not great that you do know all the intellectual things! That is actually a big deal. You know this. Yes, you are hurting right now but you will bounce back. I think a lot of people don't really know those things or least don't believe them, I know that deep down you do and while this is a bit of a knock, you will bounce back.
So hang in there, take a few days. You know, that's two relationships in six months, lots of people don't even put themselves out there. While they may not have been a good match for you, I hope you at least had nice times and that both of them treated you well. I assume they did or you would not have stuck around. Meeting two nice people in six months that you get along with is a great thing in itself.
So hang in there, take a few days. You know, that's two relationships in six months, lots of people don't even put themselves out there. While they may not have been a good match for you, I hope you at least had nice times and that both of them treated you well. I assume they did or you would not have stuck around. Meeting two nice people in six months that you get along with is a great thing in itself.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
A friend of mine went through something similar earlier this year, she had been in the relationship over 2 years. She was devastated. However she is now with a lovely guy and they are talking 'forever' and she says that although it hurt like hell during the break up she realises now it was fates way of making sure she met the right guy. Even hollywood stars go through break ups so don't let rejection make you feel bad about yourself...lm sure you are absolutely lovely...xx
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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One thing I always tell myself is that there are people I know who are going through so much worse!! I'm grateful that I can still understand that and not let this experience cloud my judgement too much.
I always tell people here that even though your partner has left you, it does not at all mean that you are not loveable and valuable! And I mean it...I read their posts, and they express themselves in such caring, thoughtful ways.
And yet, here I am...literally watching my own brain come up with the craziest thoughts on how to be whatever I need to be to still be in the relationship. Which I *promise* I'm not going to do!!!! I will not try to become someone else just to please another person. I would not ask that of anyone else
I completely agree! And I learned new things in this world from each one that I will now always carry with me as I move forward in my own life. And that is a blessing indeed.
I always tell people here that even though your partner has left you, it does not at all mean that you are not loveable and valuable! And I mean it...I read their posts, and they express themselves in such caring, thoughtful ways.
And yet, here I am...literally watching my own brain come up with the craziest thoughts on how to be whatever I need to be to still be in the relationship. Which I *promise* I'm not going to do!!!! I will not try to become someone else just to please another person. I would not ask that of anyone else
Originally Posted by trailmix
Meeting two nice people in six months that you get along with is a great thing in itself.
I completely agree! And I learned new things in this world from each one that I will now always carry with me as I move forward in my own life. And that is a blessing indeed.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Seren…...I think it is always...always....much easier to tell someone else, from an outsiders objective perspective (even things we truly mean)….than to apply it to ourselves....at least, it is for me.
Does it help, any , to know that Hallie Barry, Heidi Klum, and Mel B. have all done the same thing as you are....?
Maybe, give yourself 72 hours of slack....at least...lol...
Does it help, any , to know that Hallie Barry, Heidi Klum, and Mel B. have all done the same thing as you are....?
Maybe, give yourself 72 hours of slack....at least...lol...
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Seren, anyone who rejects you doesn't deserve you. It's not a codie thing, it always hurts, sometimes physically, like something is squeezing your heart.
I've been on the receiving end of friendship rejection recently. I have had longtime friends suddenly change their attitude towards me now that I don't put up with certain types of men. Some of them were simply rude. It says more about them than me, I guess -- it's all about what they think women should put up with.
But yeah, it hurts. It makes you feel really alone, really unlovable. Knowing that there are so many people out there alone means then there's one less person being "alone by themselves".
I've been on the receiving end of friendship rejection recently. I have had longtime friends suddenly change their attitude towards me now that I don't put up with certain types of men. Some of them were simply rude. It says more about them than me, I guess -- it's all about what they think women should put up with.
But yeah, it hurts. It makes you feel really alone, really unlovable. Knowing that there are so many people out there alone means then there's one less person being "alone by themselves".
right back!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
And yet, here I am...literally watching my own brain come up with the craziest thoughts on how to be whatever I need to be to still be in the relationship.
Endings are hard no matter who wanted it or didn’t want it. Change is often not something pleasant we welcome, especially with the people in our lives.
And this is really what healthy dating is all about which is much more difficult for people who tend to have codependency issues.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Seren (((hugs)))
Use your voice here and however else it helps! Things can get sorted out quite quickly through jumbled times. Sending good vibes and prayers.
How are you doing today?
Feel the hurt. Honor it. Keep moving forward.
Use your voice here and however else it helps! Things can get sorted out quite quickly through jumbled times. Sending good vibes and prayers.
How are you doing today?
Feel the hurt. Honor it. Keep moving forward.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Recurring thoughts through this and the prior breakup I recognize as extreme. The sad part is that I don't know yet what to do to change these thoughts and feelings.
For both breakups, I've felt uninteresting and that no man would consider me worthy of getting to know better. I felt as though I were being looked down on for being too "normal", not bohemian, not a free spirit, not someone who had endured repeated tragedies and so I did not have anything to contribute to life or the world. As though my voice and my life were worth nothing. In other words, I felt as though I was perceived as too milk toast, white bread, middle America.
Here's the punchline, though.
Neither of these men told me that.
My mind invented this.
Why?
I know intellectually that I am a beautiful woman, a scientist, a pilot, I love hockey and baseball. I'm a statistics geek and yet love nothing better than to have a hot dog at the ballpark. I had a comfortable childhood, but not a privileged one. As an adult on my own, I have known financial hardship. I have known great love, and I have suffered profound loss in my life. I have a deep faith. I am not judgmental as I have always felt that is "above my pay grade". I'm know I am not a stereotype, and yet I feel that is how I'm perceived in spite of the fact that I've never been told that.
SMH....
I'm so frustrated with and mad at myself for feeling this way. I guess it's the scientist in my that wants to know why so I can fix it!! And yes, I have started therapy beyond my grief counseling.
For both breakups, I've felt uninteresting and that no man would consider me worthy of getting to know better. I felt as though I were being looked down on for being too "normal", not bohemian, not a free spirit, not someone who had endured repeated tragedies and so I did not have anything to contribute to life or the world. As though my voice and my life were worth nothing. In other words, I felt as though I was perceived as too milk toast, white bread, middle America.
Here's the punchline, though.
Neither of these men told me that.
My mind invented this.
Why?
I know intellectually that I am a beautiful woman, a scientist, a pilot, I love hockey and baseball. I'm a statistics geek and yet love nothing better than to have a hot dog at the ballpark. I had a comfortable childhood, but not a privileged one. As an adult on my own, I have known financial hardship. I have known great love, and I have suffered profound loss in my life. I have a deep faith. I am not judgmental as I have always felt that is "above my pay grade". I'm know I am not a stereotype, and yet I feel that is how I'm perceived in spite of the fact that I've never been told that.
SMH....
I'm so frustrated with and mad at myself for feeling this way. I guess it's the scientist in my that wants to know why so I can fix it!! And yes, I have started therapy beyond my grief counseling.
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