JS4chat

I am sure this is a story that has been told time and time again. I am new to this forum and my story much as everyones is similar yet different. My wonderful husband had a gastric bypass in Sept of 2002, where do to a blow to the stomache shortly therefor after had alot of complications related to internal bleading. His body went toxic, was in reneal failure,which means his heart, lungs, kidneys, and liver were failing cause of the toxic blood in his body and the amount of blood he lost. He was in the hospital for a majority of 3 months, during this time he was in alot of pain and had a lot of pain meds administered. He came home on O2 and pain meds. He then had over the next year 3 more surgeries, all dealing with his abdomen. After a year or so things were looking good, but his stomache started to hurt bad again. I never thought much about it, I really figured that if it got bad he would contact the Dr. I really wanted to stop doing EVERYTHING for him. I am an enabler that way, doing for him everything that his heart desired. Well the best I can figure out how this all happened, is he and I both grew up with alchoholic fathers and we swore we would never drink. Well, we tried it a few times here and there no big deal so I thought. We talked about how we didnt want to do it too often cause of our heredity. Well I noticed that my pain meds were coming up missing, he was going through his like crazy, and I was asking the dr for more almost weekly. I then started noticing that he was coming to bed smellling of alchohol. I told him I smelt it and he told me it must be his body going through ketosis, and that it was mixing funny with his raspberry crystal light. I really didnt buy this but it was only a couple of times a week. I wasnt really concerned yet. I always thought people become addicted over a long time, not over night. Well we went to a party at the end of Oct. He drove I drank, I got drunk for the first time in my life at age 34 and was sick the whole next day. I choose then I will never drink agian. I will NEVER do it again. I dont care how tempting it gets it wont happen. Anyways, shortly after this I started peicing together everything I was seeing with my hubby. He came to me about 2 weeks ago and told me has a problem. He admitted to taking my pain meds and his, and taking all my sleeping pills and his, along with drinking. He had given me the new bottle of pain meds I had just gotten replaced because of major dental work. (owie) I was only slightly suprised, but I told him I would support him, that we needed to get this under control, get the pain stopped, so that he will be able to focus more on the want of the addiction rather then covering of pain part of the addiction. He told me he would not take the pills, or drink again. I foolishly believed him. I was teaching a support class for the gastric bypass surgery when my 13 yr old son called and told me he was scared cause Daddy just fell upstairs. I finished up the meeting and came home, it was an hour commute. I walked in and he was telling me that he had taken two sleeping pills and figured it would just help him sleep. A couple times sense then I have smelt alchohol on his breath at night. He has only drank at night after the kids were in bed. Well, on Sat he went and worked out, said it caused him alot of pain, and that he was sitting in the grocery store parking lot trying to recover from the pain. He was eating. Well I knew right then he was either going to go for RUM or PILLS. Well He stopped texting me on his phone and stopped answering me, he went up the canyon and got drunk. He was asleep on a back road when the sherriff found him. Lucky for my pocket book that the car wasnt running and the keys werent in the ignition, that he was cooperative, and the sherriff could tell he wasnt going anywhere. The ticket is going to be about 100.00 rather then 1200.00. I asked him if it was enough of a shocker to wake him up and make him see the reality of the situation? He told me that it was only 100.00 but it wasnt the money that made him see the reality it was the effect it could have on the kids. GAWD I HOPE SO. Anyways. I am more asking if I am fooling myself if I think that if they do surgery and take away the pain that alot (not all of it) will go away. I understand from all I have read once your body has experienced the addiction it will want it again. I feel bad to a point, because I pushed him to have the surgery, I took the food addiction away, he was then addicted to sex, when he was depressed they gave him meds, which took the sex drive away, so that addiction was out the door, this was the next addiction, he even sees this. He asked me the other day to help him find a new addiction, one that was healthy. That is why he went to work out on Sat that is the addiction I choose for him...backfired a bit. If anyone has any suggestions, they are very much welcomed. Oh, one last thing, he did look up AA and find meetings in our area (on his own). He has gone from never drinking,to social drinking (less then once every 3 months) to being addicted in less then a year. I would say it has all occurred in the last 2 months. Is this normal?

JessicaNAJ

Hi JS - Welcome to SR. I've not personally been in your shoes; however, my uncle hurt himself really bad while working in an elevator shaft (threw his shoulder out) about 4 years ago and is still in a lot of pain. He was prescribed pain pills also. When the pills stopped helping, he started using more (and still does). When that wasn't enough, he turned to alcohol. His drinking got so bad, I couldn't stand to be around him. One day, I asked him why he felt he had to drink so much, how can life be that bad. He said it's the only think that kills the pain. My heart sank. I wanted so bad to help him, but he could be a real A@@ when he was drunk (which ended up being all the time).

He had a really bad night about a year ago, because of his drinking. And really hasn't drank since (just on occasion).

It's very unfortunate when someone turns to alcohol to kill that pain, which is what I think all A's tend to do. When it is physical pain, I think it is a lot easier to be compassionate to their needs. But don't neglect your needs because you think it will help them. That is when we become enablers - CoDe's.

You said ... "He asked me the other day to help him find a new addiction, one that was healthy." I think its great that you both can communicate and help each other out, there is a fine line between being helpful and being controlling.

I'm not sure if this helps - but I thought I'd share.

JS4chat

Jessica thank you for sharing. I know that I tend to be controlling. I never thought of myself as a matyr until hubby told me today that I was. I feel to a point that his pain (not the drinking) is my fault. I know that its his choice to drink not mine. But I also know that I have helped cause the physical pain (by promoting the surgery and promoting him to go back to work earlier then should, or at the very least allowing him to) and mental pain by having an affair 4 yrs ago, I am sure it is both physical and emotional pain he is trying to overcome. I stepped over the boundries by telling his Dr. about the drinking and drug abuse, my only thoughts were to help hubby not hurt him, he feels like everything he ever does or says I share with the whole world. I do tend to share but it is only to those who can lead me in a guided direction to help us as a whole. I am not out there sharing dirty laundry for the sake of doing it. I feel really bad today because he feels betrayed. He is supposed to go to the Dr tomorrow and is now telling me that he is trying to decide if he can face the Dr now that the Dr knows he has been drinking. My thoughts are how the hell can you not go, its our only hope of getting him out of pain!!!!!! This whole roller coaster ride is not FUN! lol I am still looking for a support group in my area. I know I have to get help for myself to help him. I am starting to see that I am doing things to make things worse even when in my mind I am trying to help not hender.

rivercitybelle

You might suggest that he ask the doctor about the possibility of going to a pain clinic. The clinic could help him to manage his pain in a constructive manner through a variety of treatments. The only catch is he has to actually go to the doctor and tell the doc what's going on and ask about a pain clinic....
Just a thought

JessicaNAJ

He is a big boy and can make his own decisions. (One thing that took me a while to figure out.) You can be there for him by supporting whatever it is he decides. There is nothing wrong with making suggestions to him, but you have to let him make the decisions.

There are counselor's and other tools he can use to overcome his emotional pain from your affair. You are not responsible for his feelings. It is his choice not to seek further for help. (But, if you anything like me, you wear your heart on your sleeve...lol)

I think this was a good think. If the doctor didn't know about it, he could have given him something that would have caused a bigger problem

That is him trying to blame you because he is ashamed of his drinking problem. This whole situation is not easy on him either. You are going to have to take a back seat and let him start calling the shots when it comes to him. I know you care about him, but you worrying about him is not healthy for you.

It is not easy to allow the person we love to hurt themselves, but it's also not good for you either. You waste a lot of time and energy worrying about him when you could be enjoying your life a little better.

I'm not expert, believe me, I have trouble every day. But each day we work on US, we get better.

SJW

I'm sure by now you must have heard or read the saying about alcoholism in a loved one - You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Your suggesting that your husband have gastric bypass surgery didn't cause him to have problems with drinking. Lots of people have chronic pain every day and don't turn to booze or pills to help it. I'm not saying that his pain is not legitimate. But how he has chosen to cope with it is not your fault. In some ways, trying to figure out why someone else drinks is a complete waste of time. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn't here yet. You only have today to deal with. That narrows down our focus by two-thirds!

Since you didn't cause it and can't control it you need to concentrate on what you can do. And that is taking care of yourself and your kids. I know it's hard to detach from someone you love when you see that they are in trouble. I know it's hard to live in the same house and carry on separately, so to speak. But you can find a way to do whatever you have to do.

Try to get to some Al-anon meetings, read the books on codependency. Do things for yourself and your kids and try hard not to give your life over to alcoholism. It will rob you and destroy you if you let it. The good thing is, you get to choose how you proceed.

Someone else here wisely said that she often sits back and waits until answers come to her when she faces tough decisions. You don't have to hurry up to make decisions (unless it's an emergency, of course) so you have time to figure out what is the right next thing for you to do.

God bless you in whatever you choose to do.

SJW