So...who won? Still can’t say.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
So...who won? Still can’t say.
Hey, all.
You likely know my story. Alcohol addict sib lives with elderly mom.
I am one of mom’s caregivers, so see him far, far more than I like.
I also have to deal, at times, with his shenanigans, despite my “not my circus, not my monkeys” stance.
Sometimes there is just no getting away from it.
Over the last few months animosity has grown between him and my mom’s lovely and caring housekeeper/caregiver.
She is a CNA who is there to do light housekeeping and personal care if needed to my mom.
As mom strongly resists the personal care part of it, though she could benefit from it, duties are relegated to housekeeping.
My sib doesn’t like having anyone around, and uses a variety of passive aggressive ways to get under her skin.
I have attempted to run interference by being there when I can, but....that doesn’t always pan out.
After negotiation with her company to keep her coming, I thought we had an agreement. Sib would go upstairs and stay out of her way while she was there.
Well, that lasted all of a week, as no one is going to tell him what to do, dammit.
As a result, she would stop what she was doing, text me she was leaving, then leave.
I would then get into shoutfests with him that led absolutely nowhere.
My other sib and I decided to cancel the service, reluctantly, mostly because now mom, in her delightful co dependent way, was siding with sib and blaming the housekeeper for “being too bossy” and “overreacting.”
My spouse and sil, whom I loveand respect dearly, said, “ but if you let her go, he will have won.”
And yes, I guess he has.
But..they don’t get it. You don’t, can’t make the addict do what they should.
They have no concept of should.
I intend to engage a cleaning team, hopefully comprised of at least one large man, as my sib is simply a bully who picks on people, especially women, because he thinks he is better than them.
Oh, and he’s a racist, too.
And the smartest man in the room. Just ask him.
I am just done. I’m tired of fighting with him and with my mother.
I will continue to help her, as needed, but something in me is broken, and I don’t want to be around either of them.
You likely know my story. Alcohol addict sib lives with elderly mom.
I am one of mom’s caregivers, so see him far, far more than I like.
I also have to deal, at times, with his shenanigans, despite my “not my circus, not my monkeys” stance.
Sometimes there is just no getting away from it.
Over the last few months animosity has grown between him and my mom’s lovely and caring housekeeper/caregiver.
She is a CNA who is there to do light housekeeping and personal care if needed to my mom.
As mom strongly resists the personal care part of it, though she could benefit from it, duties are relegated to housekeeping.
My sib doesn’t like having anyone around, and uses a variety of passive aggressive ways to get under her skin.
I have attempted to run interference by being there when I can, but....that doesn’t always pan out.
After negotiation with her company to keep her coming, I thought we had an agreement. Sib would go upstairs and stay out of her way while she was there.
Well, that lasted all of a week, as no one is going to tell him what to do, dammit.
As a result, she would stop what she was doing, text me she was leaving, then leave.
I would then get into shoutfests with him that led absolutely nowhere.
My other sib and I decided to cancel the service, reluctantly, mostly because now mom, in her delightful co dependent way, was siding with sib and blaming the housekeeper for “being too bossy” and “overreacting.”
My spouse and sil, whom I loveand respect dearly, said, “ but if you let her go, he will have won.”
And yes, I guess he has.
But..they don’t get it. You don’t, can’t make the addict do what they should.
They have no concept of should.
I intend to engage a cleaning team, hopefully comprised of at least one large man, as my sib is simply a bully who picks on people, especially women, because he thinks he is better than them.
Oh, and he’s a racist, too.
And the smartest man in the room. Just ask him.
I am just done. I’m tired of fighting with him and with my mother.
I will continue to help her, as needed, but something in me is broken, and I don’t want to be around either of them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I'm so sorry Maudcat. My own sister gave me the silent treatment yesterday, despite some incredible news that in a normal family would have been cause for true celebration for all of us. She is angry that I no longer want to lie and cover for her.
So yes, I know the feeling when something is broken. Something has snapped - another connection, another weak thread that once tied the two of us together. One can hope that a bridge made of stronger stuff will take its place. But a connection made of lies (in my case) and/or oppression (in your case) was never meant to last.
So yes, I know the feeling when something is broken. Something has snapped - another connection, another weak thread that once tied the two of us together. One can hope that a bridge made of stronger stuff will take its place. But a connection made of lies (in my case) and/or oppression (in your case) was never meant to last.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Well I guess they won, but the prize isn't great is it.
I like your idea of hiring a cleaning team with a large man in the group, sad that you have to resort to this but you really do handle this like a champion Maudcat.
I like your idea of hiring a cleaning team with a large man in the group, sad that you have to resort to this but you really do handle this like a champion Maudcat.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Yup, a cleaning team of at least one large man, preferably 2 is a genius idea. Seeing your AB is racist it would be even better if they could push his buttons in that way as well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Oh Maudcat...*HUGS*
I know just exactly how it feels to want to be far, far away from the insane dysfunction that is my mum and bro. I'm 3K miles from it and it still isn't far enough... so my heart breaks for you that you end up being in the thick of it far too often. I know how broken it feels...
I don't think anybody is "winning" in this situation. You might have the slight edge though if you manage to drop some of the burden this has been on you.
I hope finding proper care for your mother works out in the best possible way. (I have some fun suggestions but posting them would be in poor taste so I won't...
)
Hang in there... families... *sigh*
I know just exactly how it feels to want to be far, far away from the insane dysfunction that is my mum and bro. I'm 3K miles from it and it still isn't far enough... so my heart breaks for you that you end up being in the thick of it far too often. I know how broken it feels...
I don't think anybody is "winning" in this situation. You might have the slight edge though if you manage to drop some of the burden this has been on you.
I hope finding proper care for your mother works out in the best possible way. (I have some fun suggestions but posting them would be in poor taste so I won't...
)Hang in there... families... *sigh*
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sometimes it’s not the times you decide to fight, but the times you decide to surrender that make all the difference.
Maybe it’s time to surrender in this no winning fight and instead fight for you own peace and sanity.
Let the winners figure out how to care for themselves and the home they live in. Allow the winners to either hire someone or not hire someone, let them live with their decision and the consequences to that.
Limit your interaction with your mom to maybe once every 2 weeks and take her out for lunch that way you get away from your brother. If your mom won’t leave her house then plan your visit so that it doesn’t last more than a certain amount of time, that time will be dependent on how you feel and what transpires with your sib.
Maybe it’s time to surrender in this no winning fight and instead fight for you own peace and sanity.
Let the winners figure out how to care for themselves and the home they live in. Allow the winners to either hire someone or not hire someone, let them live with their decision and the consequences to that.
Limit your interaction with your mom to maybe once every 2 weeks and take her out for lunch that way you get away from your brother. If your mom won’t leave her house then plan your visit so that it doesn’t last more than a certain amount of time, that time will be dependent on how you feel and what transpires with your sib.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
My mom has a TBI. So I totally understand the frustration of trying to take care of a parent who allows a toxic child interfere with that. My brother is a narc. I don't think he's an addict. But I haven't spoken to him in years so he could be.
My mom ALWAYS sides with him it drives me crazy. I've picked up her life more times than I can count. He's so abusive and she lets him treat her that way. He takes all of her money and spends it on himself. A few years ago I stopped. I stopped doing it all. I just couldn't do it anymore. So I dropped the rope. I let her live with his abuse and his craziness. I cried a lot. I was so scared she was going to die but what could I do? I finally accepted that the next time I saw her would be in a box. It was the worst. I did not talk to my mom for a couple of years.
A year and a half ago she sent me a message on facebook, wanted to talk. She was ready to get out. So we planned it carefully, not telling him she was planning on leaving. She took an Uber to the airport with her ESA and her two suitcases and came to me. We got her an apartment and she has a job and her SSDI and lives a nice quiet life with her little dogs. She's made friends (something she hasn't had in years) She's even gone out on a couple of dates with my encouragement. I mean my dad's been gone for 10 years.
Maybe you should drop the rope...you don't have to cut her out, *I* had to do that. But definitely don't discuss your AB with her. Go out and have a nice lunch and enjoy your mom.
I hope this helps.
My mom has a TBI. So I totally understand the frustration of trying to take care of a parent who allows a toxic child interfere with that. My brother is a narc. I don't think he's an addict. But I haven't spoken to him in years so he could be.
My mom ALWAYS sides with him it drives me crazy. I've picked up her life more times than I can count. He's so abusive and she lets him treat her that way. He takes all of her money and spends it on himself. A few years ago I stopped. I stopped doing it all. I just couldn't do it anymore. So I dropped the rope. I let her live with his abuse and his craziness. I cried a lot. I was so scared she was going to die but what could I do? I finally accepted that the next time I saw her would be in a box. It was the worst. I did not talk to my mom for a couple of years.
A year and a half ago she sent me a message on facebook, wanted to talk. She was ready to get out. So we planned it carefully, not telling him she was planning on leaving. She took an Uber to the airport with her ESA and her two suitcases and came to me. We got her an apartment and she has a job and her SSDI and lives a nice quiet life with her little dogs. She's made friends (something she hasn't had in years) She's even gone out on a couple of dates with my encouragement. I mean my dad's been gone for 10 years.
Maybe you should drop the rope...you don't have to cut her out, *I* had to do that. But definitely don't discuss your AB with her. Go out and have a nice lunch and enjoy your mom.
I hope this helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Thank you all for your support, and words of wisdom.
I agree that taking a step back from the situation is probably best for my serenity, and that is what I am doing.
I really wish I could leave them to themselves completely,.
As both have some dementia—hers is age related, his is drink related—i feel some responsibility to my parent to make sure she is safe in her home. My other sib and I pay her bills, fix what breaks, and I buy her groceries.
Beyond that, however, I’m better off out of it.
It’s just a crap situation, that’s all.
Thanks again. You all are the best.
I agree that taking a step back from the situation is probably best for my serenity, and that is what I am doing.
I really wish I could leave them to themselves completely,.
As both have some dementia—hers is age related, his is drink related—i feel some responsibility to my parent to make sure she is safe in her home. My other sib and I pay her bills, fix what breaks, and I buy her groceries.
Beyond that, however, I’m better off out of it.
It’s just a crap situation, that’s all.
Thanks again. You all are the best.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
