What a crazy year it's been
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
What a crazy year it's been
We are getting close to the end of the Hardest Year of My Life so time for an update.... It keeps me accountable.
I'm more shocked than anyone to report that things are going pretty well despite all the low-lows I have experienced over this year. It's been so hard & unpredictable. This road was full of triggers & lots of old, old OLD (FOO) damage coming to the surface. I spent a fair amount of time just wanting everything to stand still & stop changing so quickly. My kid, my house, my car, my marriage, my FOO, my job - everything was shifting at the same time & it sort of broke me. Lots more detail in my old threads.
In a nutshell, I was so overwhelmed I basically got to a point of saying "I don't know how to fix this, but I need mental space so that I can decide if I even want to TRY - time off from deciding anything" and I asked my husband to back off worrying about reconciling our problems & focus instead on our shared responsibilities & liabilities. We agreed that with DD having only 3 yrs before she is gone, the time spent to make things right with & for her is Priority #1 - she's the one part we can never go back & "do-over" - we don't have a lot of time left with her before she's off & running in her own life, not much time to heal their relationship in real-time instead of her going back to fix it all "later". Agreeing to focus on this kind of stuff has been incredibly beneficial for both of us - we have to engage to problem solve & have to rebuild communication, teamwork, etc without it being ABOUT us necessarily. It has also, in my opinion, given him forced space to observe me through the eyes of other people & see me in a different light than whatever box he had me in before - not something I could've planned, but it has absolutely helped.
I had consulted with my CPA, attorney & financial advisor & all agreed that not rushing to file for divorce was smart for me financially, at least for right now. If I had felt that I needed to emotionally, I would have gone ahead despite the consequences. Honestly, I couldn't handle it. I was too shattered & needed time to recuperate so that I didn't make a bad situation a lot worse. I didn't want to act in haste & have to deal with regrets later, knowing that my brain was NOT functioning properly with all the added stress. He flat-out told me that he'd sign whatever divorce papers I put in front of him but wouldn't do a thing to assist in the process. I could ask him to leave but he'd only go as far as the garage since our finances couldn't support 2 households. So that's what we did - he lived in the garage from Jan-June when the heat made it unbearable.
DD & I have seen a lot of changed behaviors over this year - I cannot deny it & I'm watching with a magnifying glass, trust me. NONE of it happened overnight - nothing was a simple 180-flip from bad to good behavior but over time it has changed. He shows up, keeps his promises & commitments. I don't hear blameshifting any longer - he's been taking accountability for the past & even as things happen in the Now - which of course, alters the way those situations play out & create fewer future dramas. (I've also been far better about letting most of that stuff stay in the past & let go when there's no benefit to holding on to the resentments.)
The amount of time & energy he's put into our property has yielded astonishing results - this was a big part of why I stayed..... his contribution has saved me thousands & thousands in repairs & upgrades because he can DO all of this stuff himself. Now when people visit they say, "oh. my. gawd...... the change in this place is incredible - complete 180...." We had friends over last weekend & they could not stop commenting on the updates & changes. You wouldn't even think it was the same piece of land.
He is SO much more involved with DD that it was actually hard for her to adjust to at first. She basically told me that she loved dad & wanted to trust him, but needed me to hold her hand through the process. It's been a lot of baby-stepping to loosen her grip on me & open up to him but he's earned it & they are bonding. In the beginning she needed me "there" as a safety net & sometimes that was the hardest thing in the world - putting my anger & resentments away long enough to not influence what was happening between them. To be genuine about not being some FakeBook Happy Family but not let that spoil every day too.
Initially his feelings were hurt when he noticed she'd spend time with him but only really TALK to me. Hey - that's your own doing buddy. If you want her to open up to you, you gotta make room for her. So he started finding projects specifically for them to do together, he's helping with her music lessons, he built her a music room in the garage to practice, he's only missed one of her events, etc. He asks her questions & remembers the stuff she struggling with, then circles back & engages her in conversation about it all.
Then last month she had a really, really bad day that rocked her little world - and for the first time ever, she went to him for comfort completely unprompted. It was the FIRST time she reached out during a time like that - asking when he'd be home & coming to talk with him the minute he arrived. (and woohoo that he listened & showed up right away) She's opening up & talking to him in ways she never could or would before. In so many ways, she's so "normal" that we just don't understand because our own childhoods were such huge messes of dysfunction - for her to have any kind of "normal" teen experiences is hard for us to even recognize sometimes.
She's flourishing in High School and her private lessons. She's on track with her scholarship & it looks like she may go overseas for a month next summer. (I actually got the confirm while I was typing this - it's definite!!) She had time for one extra club & chose something charity-centric with the focus on giving back to the community. She's making a lot of friends, bonding with upperclassmen & getting a lot of invites for social events and special events through her arts programs. She was one of only 2 freshmen asked to participate in a recent performance & her vocal coach is pushing her hard to get out & start auditioning for local theaters. She was part of an ensemble at a Disney World performance recently. I keep hearing phrases like "the total package" getting tossed around when it comes to her talents.
In May I had that huge falling out with my FOO & things are still as-bad-if-not-worse. At the time I was getting established with a new primary Doc & running a bunch of bloodwork which came back very abnormal. I didn't find out until after they re-ran it in June & even though there was significant improvement in such a short time AND my numbers were *this close* to normal again, my fear-mongering Doc tried to scare me into worrying about worst-case scenarios. I pushed back, refused to settle for it. I know what stress does to the body & literally every single part of my world was in the highest stress I'd ever experienced, simultaneously. He refused to listen or factor it in.
So I switched Docs because part of my promise to Me is that I will never pay a professional to disregard what I KNOW about my mind, body & spirit. They need to LISTEN TO ME because I live this 24/7/365..... & guess what? I was right. New doc reviewed my tests, agreed with the way I'd managed it & the research I'd done connecting stress to the abnormal results.
We ran all new labs & not only is everything VERY, VERY NORMAL but they are able to lower my thyroid meds AGAIN. I have maintained my weight loss for over 3 yrs at this point & that is unbelievably exciting to me after all the years of struggling with emotional eating. (another thing the fear-mongering doc dismissed in my health history - how insulting considering how long it took me to understand & fix this part of me)
I am still struggling with my FOO stuff & likely will be for some time in ebbs & flows. Thanksgiving was hard, my birthday was easier. Christmas is a gigantic question mark at this point. DD & my husband have been amazing at holding space for me to work through this hard stuff & picking up all kinds of slack I'm dropping in order to deal. We decided that if things are this far "off" this holiday season, we might as well go full bore & embrace the suck, so we've been celebrating every day since Thanksgiving in some way - movies, games, shopping, early gifting, etc. We're taking back the holidays, lol.
Earlier in the year I was having anxiety & panic attacks that were out of control (like daily), and even more shocking was that when everything went insane with my FOO, my codependency became bigger & harder to manage than ever before in my life. I felt like Alice in Wonderland, falling down that rabbit hole, spinning & spinning with nothing to grab onto to slow the process down & no telling when I'd hit bottom. It seemed surreal that for all intents & purposes - my husband, who I'd been as such odds with for so long, was more accepting & showing more capacity for change than my FOO. It spun my mind to suddenly be able to lean on him for support when I was so used to the opposite. How was he suddenly the more "normal" one?? We talk more these days, fight less than we have in years. (it still happens though, I'm not giving much leeway with my boundaries & needs)
I went in for a massage last month because I had a lot of odd lower back pain that I couldn't figure out & found that it wasn't because the area was too tight & needing stretched, but that I'd overdone it & knocked my hips out of alignment with all the stepping I'd been doing. My therapist said it was too loose, not too tight.... how to explain I'd done that running from "paper tigers"? (Engaging the hip flexors is one of the fastest ways to stop the body from releasing all those ForF hormones & wow, did I overdo it!! in a nutshell, your body interprets you "running" from danger & slows the release of cortisol & adrenalin.)
I can't pretend to know what tomorrow brings but right now, I'm finally starting to hold steady & I'll take it! I'm coming up on a winter break - 2 weeks off over the holidays & I have never needed it more so I am counting down rabidly, lol.
I'm still keeping my options open for divorce until I decide differently - we've been through YEARS of hell so I'm not ready to move into forgiveness based on what amounts to a few good months. My "friend" seems supremely frustrated with this - cool one minute & pushy the next - but oh well, I've been very clear from the get-go that no matter what happens in my marriage I'm in no way ready to jump into another committed relationship so fast. Things are very tense when we're all attending the same event & we've got a few more to go before year-end so they both need to suck it up & deal.
I finally feel like I'm gaining back some level of "new normal" over this last month or so - the FOO breakdowns & breakthroughs have completely shattered me & I'm trying my best to rebuild a healthier version of myself regardless of how they choose to proceed with things. I always knew I was unappreciated by my FOO for who & what I am but I'm struggling so hard to accept how I never really factored in for them as a person - just a cog in their dysfunctional machine that became useless when she challenged her assigned role. I maintain NC for my health & they enforce it as punishment but I can't focus on things like that.
Anyway - there's my very long winded (as usual) update.
I'm more shocked than anyone to report that things are going pretty well despite all the low-lows I have experienced over this year. It's been so hard & unpredictable. This road was full of triggers & lots of old, old OLD (FOO) damage coming to the surface. I spent a fair amount of time just wanting everything to stand still & stop changing so quickly. My kid, my house, my car, my marriage, my FOO, my job - everything was shifting at the same time & it sort of broke me. Lots more detail in my old threads.
In a nutshell, I was so overwhelmed I basically got to a point of saying "I don't know how to fix this, but I need mental space so that I can decide if I even want to TRY - time off from deciding anything" and I asked my husband to back off worrying about reconciling our problems & focus instead on our shared responsibilities & liabilities. We agreed that with DD having only 3 yrs before she is gone, the time spent to make things right with & for her is Priority #1 - she's the one part we can never go back & "do-over" - we don't have a lot of time left with her before she's off & running in her own life, not much time to heal their relationship in real-time instead of her going back to fix it all "later". Agreeing to focus on this kind of stuff has been incredibly beneficial for both of us - we have to engage to problem solve & have to rebuild communication, teamwork, etc without it being ABOUT us necessarily. It has also, in my opinion, given him forced space to observe me through the eyes of other people & see me in a different light than whatever box he had me in before - not something I could've planned, but it has absolutely helped.
I had consulted with my CPA, attorney & financial advisor & all agreed that not rushing to file for divorce was smart for me financially, at least for right now. If I had felt that I needed to emotionally, I would have gone ahead despite the consequences. Honestly, I couldn't handle it. I was too shattered & needed time to recuperate so that I didn't make a bad situation a lot worse. I didn't want to act in haste & have to deal with regrets later, knowing that my brain was NOT functioning properly with all the added stress. He flat-out told me that he'd sign whatever divorce papers I put in front of him but wouldn't do a thing to assist in the process. I could ask him to leave but he'd only go as far as the garage since our finances couldn't support 2 households. So that's what we did - he lived in the garage from Jan-June when the heat made it unbearable.
DD & I have seen a lot of changed behaviors over this year - I cannot deny it & I'm watching with a magnifying glass, trust me. NONE of it happened overnight - nothing was a simple 180-flip from bad to good behavior but over time it has changed. He shows up, keeps his promises & commitments. I don't hear blameshifting any longer - he's been taking accountability for the past & even as things happen in the Now - which of course, alters the way those situations play out & create fewer future dramas. (I've also been far better about letting most of that stuff stay in the past & let go when there's no benefit to holding on to the resentments.)
The amount of time & energy he's put into our property has yielded astonishing results - this was a big part of why I stayed..... his contribution has saved me thousands & thousands in repairs & upgrades because he can DO all of this stuff himself. Now when people visit they say, "oh. my. gawd...... the change in this place is incredible - complete 180...." We had friends over last weekend & they could not stop commenting on the updates & changes. You wouldn't even think it was the same piece of land.
He is SO much more involved with DD that it was actually hard for her to adjust to at first. She basically told me that she loved dad & wanted to trust him, but needed me to hold her hand through the process. It's been a lot of baby-stepping to loosen her grip on me & open up to him but he's earned it & they are bonding. In the beginning she needed me "there" as a safety net & sometimes that was the hardest thing in the world - putting my anger & resentments away long enough to not influence what was happening between them. To be genuine about not being some FakeBook Happy Family but not let that spoil every day too.
Initially his feelings were hurt when he noticed she'd spend time with him but only really TALK to me. Hey - that's your own doing buddy. If you want her to open up to you, you gotta make room for her. So he started finding projects specifically for them to do together, he's helping with her music lessons, he built her a music room in the garage to practice, he's only missed one of her events, etc. He asks her questions & remembers the stuff she struggling with, then circles back & engages her in conversation about it all.
Then last month she had a really, really bad day that rocked her little world - and for the first time ever, she went to him for comfort completely unprompted. It was the FIRST time she reached out during a time like that - asking when he'd be home & coming to talk with him the minute he arrived. (and woohoo that he listened & showed up right away) She's opening up & talking to him in ways she never could or would before. In so many ways, she's so "normal" that we just don't understand because our own childhoods were such huge messes of dysfunction - for her to have any kind of "normal" teen experiences is hard for us to even recognize sometimes.
She's flourishing in High School and her private lessons. She's on track with her scholarship & it looks like she may go overseas for a month next summer. (I actually got the confirm while I was typing this - it's definite!!) She had time for one extra club & chose something charity-centric with the focus on giving back to the community. She's making a lot of friends, bonding with upperclassmen & getting a lot of invites for social events and special events through her arts programs. She was one of only 2 freshmen asked to participate in a recent performance & her vocal coach is pushing her hard to get out & start auditioning for local theaters. She was part of an ensemble at a Disney World performance recently. I keep hearing phrases like "the total package" getting tossed around when it comes to her talents.
In May I had that huge falling out with my FOO & things are still as-bad-if-not-worse. At the time I was getting established with a new primary Doc & running a bunch of bloodwork which came back very abnormal. I didn't find out until after they re-ran it in June & even though there was significant improvement in such a short time AND my numbers were *this close* to normal again, my fear-mongering Doc tried to scare me into worrying about worst-case scenarios. I pushed back, refused to settle for it. I know what stress does to the body & literally every single part of my world was in the highest stress I'd ever experienced, simultaneously. He refused to listen or factor it in.
So I switched Docs because part of my promise to Me is that I will never pay a professional to disregard what I KNOW about my mind, body & spirit. They need to LISTEN TO ME because I live this 24/7/365..... & guess what? I was right. New doc reviewed my tests, agreed with the way I'd managed it & the research I'd done connecting stress to the abnormal results.
We ran all new labs & not only is everything VERY, VERY NORMAL but they are able to lower my thyroid meds AGAIN. I have maintained my weight loss for over 3 yrs at this point & that is unbelievably exciting to me after all the years of struggling with emotional eating. (another thing the fear-mongering doc dismissed in my health history - how insulting considering how long it took me to understand & fix this part of me)
I am still struggling with my FOO stuff & likely will be for some time in ebbs & flows. Thanksgiving was hard, my birthday was easier. Christmas is a gigantic question mark at this point. DD & my husband have been amazing at holding space for me to work through this hard stuff & picking up all kinds of slack I'm dropping in order to deal. We decided that if things are this far "off" this holiday season, we might as well go full bore & embrace the suck, so we've been celebrating every day since Thanksgiving in some way - movies, games, shopping, early gifting, etc. We're taking back the holidays, lol.
Earlier in the year I was having anxiety & panic attacks that were out of control (like daily), and even more shocking was that when everything went insane with my FOO, my codependency became bigger & harder to manage than ever before in my life. I felt like Alice in Wonderland, falling down that rabbit hole, spinning & spinning with nothing to grab onto to slow the process down & no telling when I'd hit bottom. It seemed surreal that for all intents & purposes - my husband, who I'd been as such odds with for so long, was more accepting & showing more capacity for change than my FOO. It spun my mind to suddenly be able to lean on him for support when I was so used to the opposite. How was he suddenly the more "normal" one?? We talk more these days, fight less than we have in years. (it still happens though, I'm not giving much leeway with my boundaries & needs)
I went in for a massage last month because I had a lot of odd lower back pain that I couldn't figure out & found that it wasn't because the area was too tight & needing stretched, but that I'd overdone it & knocked my hips out of alignment with all the stepping I'd been doing. My therapist said it was too loose, not too tight.... how to explain I'd done that running from "paper tigers"? (Engaging the hip flexors is one of the fastest ways to stop the body from releasing all those ForF hormones & wow, did I overdo it!! in a nutshell, your body interprets you "running" from danger & slows the release of cortisol & adrenalin.)
I can't pretend to know what tomorrow brings but right now, I'm finally starting to hold steady & I'll take it! I'm coming up on a winter break - 2 weeks off over the holidays & I have never needed it more so I am counting down rabidly, lol.
I'm still keeping my options open for divorce until I decide differently - we've been through YEARS of hell so I'm not ready to move into forgiveness based on what amounts to a few good months. My "friend" seems supremely frustrated with this - cool one minute & pushy the next - but oh well, I've been very clear from the get-go that no matter what happens in my marriage I'm in no way ready to jump into another committed relationship so fast. Things are very tense when we're all attending the same event & we've got a few more to go before year-end so they both need to suck it up & deal.
I finally feel like I'm gaining back some level of "new normal" over this last month or so - the FOO breakdowns & breakthroughs have completely shattered me & I'm trying my best to rebuild a healthier version of myself regardless of how they choose to proceed with things. I always knew I was unappreciated by my FOO for who & what I am but I'm struggling so hard to accept how I never really factored in for them as a person - just a cog in their dysfunctional machine that became useless when she challenged her assigned role. I maintain NC for my health & they enforce it as punishment but I can't focus on things like that.
Anyway - there's my very long winded (as usual) update.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Woop! Woop! 
Hugs, my friend. You're doing great.
My NC brought about a pushback NC from those close to my FOO that at first felt like a shunning. The "mental fitness - bounce back from rejection" thread in the health & nutrition forum helped me switch around how I was seeing/feeling/responding to that.
You know the whole dysfunctional mobile visual? I thought once I left the FOO things would balance out in the own way, I'm simply not a part of their mobile anymore. My new counselor is helping me to see how out of whack things become because I left. Not my issues directly, yet it helps me to understand this for disengaging completely.
Hugs, my friend. You're doing great.
My NC brought about a pushback NC from those close to my FOO that at first felt like a shunning. The "mental fitness - bounce back from rejection" thread in the health & nutrition forum helped me switch around how I was seeing/feeling/responding to that.
You know the whole dysfunctional mobile visual? I thought once I left the FOO things would balance out in the own way, I'm simply not a part of their mobile anymore. My new counselor is helping me to see how out of whack things become because I left. Not my issues directly, yet it helps me to understand this for disengaging completely.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Mango212 
My NC brought about a pushback NC from those close to my FOO that at first felt like a shunning.
I'm also attempting to widen my Social Circle slowly; that's pretty challenging but I'm trying. And I'm carving out time for my existing friends because I think they are real life rock stars.
I have a lengthy list of self care scheduled during the holidays - it gets longer every day. We now celebrate every Tuesday - tacos & a few games of pool. We bought 10 more jars to expand our quantum physics experiments. (I have 8 words picked already)
I made a vision board in January and have been writing what I call Positive Word Journals all year. Much of the stuff on that board is manifesting & the journal works great as a companion piece/activity book that keeps my monkey mind busy. Writing as meditation. The second I fill the last page, I burn the journal & start a new one.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
fireSprite…...I know, from m y own experience, that any change in family relationships cuts deep and one goes through a grieving period, just like with any other major life loss or change.....it hurts...and, it takes TIME...TIME
...time,,
I think you are doing the right thing to take care of your own welfare....if you don't....nobody else will have you as their first priority....
You have the God-given right to take care of your own welfare....
You were put on this earth to thrive and experience the joy of life--of living….
You have the right to be your self....
...time,,
I think you are doing the right thing to take care of your own welfare....if you don't....nobody else will have you as their first priority....
You have the God-given right to take care of your own welfare....
You were put on this earth to thrive and experience the joy of life--of living….
You have the right to be your self....
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
FireSprite, I keep looking at the title of this thread and saying, "Amen.". I relate.
Winter Solstice is the equivalent of the solar New Year. It is a fertile time to set new intentions.
http://www.soulflowyoga.com.au/5-way...inter-solstice
Winter Solstice is the equivalent of the solar New Year. It is a fertile time to set new intentions.
http://www.soulflowyoga.com.au/5-way...inter-solstice
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
FS....you are doing amazing friend. I know this year has been rough, but it has certainly has it's ups. I am glad that your husband is stepping it up through ACTIONS, that means so much. And that your DD is doing so amazing well! That is just wonderful!!
I am actually on vacation for a week right now, so I want to wish you and your family a Merry Christmas. No matter what the holidays bring you will have each other, and you all seem to be making a wonderful time of "the suck" of it LOL!
Big hugs friend!!!
I am actually on vacation for a week right now, so I want to wish you and your family a Merry Christmas. No matter what the holidays bring you will have each other, and you all seem to be making a wonderful time of "the suck" of it LOL!
Big hugs friend!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you must have missed a more recent thread:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...update-me.html (Still Making Progress; Update on Me)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...update-me.html (Still Making Progress; Update on Me)
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Anvilhead & FireSprite!
I was at that thread before and remembered it, yet for some reason was inspired to post here.
Today the words that resonate with me in regards to both threads are: achievement, respect and power.
I was at that thread before and remembered it, yet for some reason was inspired to post here.
Today the words that resonate with me in regards to both threads are: achievement, respect and power.
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