Asking him to leave the house

Old 12-17-2018, 10:48 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Asking him to leave the house

Things aren't going well at home. I've found myself really sad around and with my husband. I know he can't bring me happiness but he isn't even contributing to a relayionship. I am thinking if a separation from him. I doubt he willingly leave the house. I don't even know how to handle that. Husband remains sober so I'm afraid he will use it as an excuse to start drinking. I don't know what my next steps should be.
hearthealth is offline  
Old 12-17-2018, 11:03 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Bernadette's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,926
I don't know what my next steps should be.
hearthealth, so sorry you're feeling so sad. Being in a bad relationship is a real drain.

Next steps can be small, and only what you yourself can control. Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Whether he drinks or not is off your list, whether he contributes to the relationship is also not yours to control.

Separation and divorce are really difficult, but many people have endured it, and I for one am very happily divorced! The pain of being in a one-sided relationship, the loneliness, was so much worse than any of the hurdles I had to jump over to get out of my marriage and on my own 2 feet. My exH actually didn't react the way I had imagined in my head. And he did leave the apartment and move elsewhere. So try not to future-trip too much!

But it is a stressful and can move slowly at times. Since you are feeling so sad can you do something just for yourself to up your spirits? Sometimes if I go see a movie, or go to the library for a few hours or a bookstore, or just a long walk in the park it helps me feel a little lift.

One day at a time!
peace,
B
Bernadette is offline  
Old 12-17-2018, 11:30 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,564
Buying a house can be a big deal, it's a lot of money. I was discussing this with someone once. I said buying a house is no different than buying a hammer.

They kind of smiled (I had never purchased a house at that point). I then said, a hammer or a house, you either have the money or you don't.

Now, that may seem over simplified, but in my book it is true. Same with divorce or separation. You are not incarcerated, you haven't broken any law, no judge sent you to the "big house" to pay for your sinning ways (artistic license there, I don't think you have sinning ways!).

You are simply a hostage but you have a key to the door.

To separate all you have to do is walk out the door.

Financials first, I know you work at least part time? Does he work? Perhaps you can collect spousal support from him (alimony), if you file for divorce, or perhaps make a financial deal with him in the interim during the separation.

You really need to consult with a lawyer. If money is an issue there look for a lawyer with a free consultation or perhaps there is a free or low cost service in your area.

So what is the current situation in terms of employment and housing? Do you rent your house or own it?
trailmix is offline  
Old 12-17-2018, 12:10 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hearthealth…...I think that the first step would be to see a lawyer...to find out your rights...and his rights. (if you haven't, already done this). This is such an essential step...because one can be assuming things that are not accurate.
Also, know the facts and your rights will increase your own self confidence....especially, if he tries to argue things that are not accurate.....

I am giving you the following link to a website that is listed by state....It is educational, and can help you to organize your thoughts, before seeing a lawyer....(that saves valuable time)…..
It also has links that may help you to find a lawyer...and to many other resources that can be a help to you.....

I got a legal separation from my children's father...my first husband....the separation preceeding my divorcing him. He was not an alcoholic...but, I knew, at that point that I could never be myself or thrive in that marriage....
I have never regretted that decision.....
Leaving that relationship was like walking out of prison doors, for me, emotionally....It meant that I was "free" and able to thrive, once, again.....even as a single parent with 3 young children.....We had so much fun, together...the kids, and I....and that would NEVER have been possible had I not sought the separation.....

Here is that link....
www.womansdivorce.com
dandylion is offline  
Old 12-17-2018, 12:56 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Speak with an attorney and completly remove his drinking or not from the situation. There's so much that goes into asking the other party to leave the home. Can he afford the place?..can you afford the place?..ect.. i'm a residential property investor(rental) and it's a %$^%$ when a couple splits up married or not. When there's joint home ownership it gets even harder in a breakup. There's the equity(-/+)..You need to speak with an attny, if this is what you want to do.
DontRemember is offline  
Old 12-17-2018, 06:16 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Life is good
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
(((hugs)))
Mango212 is offline  
Old 12-17-2018, 08:08 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Instead of thinking about next steps...

...think about the next step. Just the next indicated step. Then figure out how you are going to take that step. Once that is all figured out, and only then, think about the next indicated step.

One step. Just one step. Just one step at a time.

Good luck to you.

C-
Cyranoak is offline  
Old 01-04-2019, 03:10 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Life is good
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi hearthealth,

How are you doing?
Mango212 is offline  
Old 01-04-2019, 03:25 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I'm in tears. Husband is just a piece of work. I feel financially trapped at the moment. I'm sure I will be blamed for ending this not so wonderful marriage. Then I was preparing teaching...topic is marriage. Love endures all. Really, marriage isn't suppose to be this unrewarding.
hearthealth is offline  
Old 01-04-2019, 03:55 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Mango, thank you for asking. I could be debt free in six months. By June I could be filing. I think it's best for me and the children if I do. I don't think I could ever remarry so it doesn't matter what the church thinks.
hearthealth is offline  
Old 01-04-2019, 03:58 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Life is good
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Tears can be helpful, cleansing, releases. Sometimes they come at really unexpected times!

Trust it's okay to honor the pain of this. Better days are coming.
Mango212 is offline  
Old 01-04-2019, 05:57 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hearthealth, set up the financial side as a project. It's amazing how it can focus you if you have a goal. It can also make the present much more bearable because there's an end it sight.
I have some knowledge and dare I say expertise in frugal living, and there is also a lot of info online. PM me if you want more info. Do this in conjunction with legal advice.
You can ask him to leave, but remember it's his home too, so he would have the right to refuse. Possibly the best course would be to agree on a separation, that it's not working for either of you. You never know, he may be feeling the same way.
Do you think marriage counselling with a view to separation could help?
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 01-04-2019, 08:14 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,564
I totally agree that focusing on the financial side so that you are good to go in June is an excellent idea.

As for him moving out, you do have children so perhaps, just maybe, he will take that in to consideration. I would present it as they will feel more comfortable with familiar surroundings - and that is the truth.

It seems to me the longer you stay in this unrewarding situation the more it affects your self-esteem and confidence. If you don't make the break now I fear that perhaps you will wait more years.

I hate to see you so unhappy.

As for the church, what kind of church is this that would judge a person for leaving a situation that is making them so unhappy?

Honestly, if that is your church, if your fellow parishioners would judge you for this, then perhaps it's also time to find a new church with a fellowship that will show you acceptance, understanding and compassion.
trailmix is offline  
Old 01-04-2019, 08:55 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hearthealth…...most of the people that I know, who have filed for divorce, are allowed, by the court, to stay in the house, because of the children.....at least until the divorce is completed....which can be quite a while....
Of course, I don't know how the laws work, where you live.....and I am am not a lawyer...….but, this does seem a common practice....
I was hoping that the link I gave you, to the divorce website, might be of some help.....at least to know how to organize your questions to ask the lawyer.....
It is essential that you talk with a lawyer, at least once.....don't assume that you know how it works, if you have not talked to a lawyer.....
There are ways to get a very low cost initial consultation with a lawyer....which we can help you with , if you need suggestions....
dandylion is offline  
Old 01-04-2019, 09:10 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,564
Such a good idea to consult a lawyer when you have financial considerations and you wish to stay in your residence. That's their job, to know the law, to give you solid advice that you can rely on.

It's much scarier to think about this stuff when you don't have all the facts. The what if he and what if I and what if they will drive you around the bend.

Once you have a consultation and know where you stand - you will feel SO much better. Imagine having someone on your side.
trailmix is offline  
Old 01-06-2019, 08:33 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Life is good
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi hearthealth,

Keep in mind it is possible and absolutely helpful to allow joy, an open heart and healthy moments throughout each day. Joy and pain can exist in the same space.

Acceptance of the good brings about quicker healing. Awareness of what we do want can bring about great changes very naturally.

Happy Sunday. Sending good vibes your way!
Mango212 is offline  
Old 01-07-2019, 11:32 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Just an FYI....it 100% depends on the judge if you are able to stay in the house or not. Where I live, unless physical abuse is an issue, the family court says no one has to leave until the divorce is final. To the point one local judge just told someone I know to put duck tape down the center of each room and pick a side.
Family courts have a huge discretion in this, as they do all things, and most times it's the opinion of the judge. The good news is that any local attorney you speak to will know one way or the other.

I am only throwing this out there as many people assume the courts will do this very easily and it's not always the case.

Sending huge hugs.
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 01-07-2019, 12:26 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I was watching a famous actress talk about how she was very blessed because she found and married the love of her life. I thought my husband was the love of my life while he was courting me. He is not the love of my life married to him (Not that I know who is my love of my life). I don't respect or love him but I chose this mess. I could have got out over and over again but I gave him chance after chance. He really didn't want to make me happy just himself. He has a wonderful life IMO I do not. I am sad for the choices I made when I could have left after the first bad incident.
hearthealth is offline  
Old 01-07-2019, 06:24 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,564
Originally Posted by hearthealth View Post
I was watching a famous actress talk about how she was very blessed because she found and married the love of her life. I thought my husband was the love of my life while he was courting me. He is not the love of my life married to him (Not that I know who is my love of my life). I don't respect or love him but I chose this mess. I could have got out over and over again but I gave him chance after chance. He really didn't want to make me happy just himself. He has a wonderful life IMO I do not. I am sad for the choices I made when I could have left after the first bad incident.
I suspect what you "chose" is the guy who was courting you? Not the alcoholic who abused you? Not the alcoholic that is not in recovery that drags your down?

I'm sure you have read around this forum a lot hearthealth, how many stories have you read where they said - you know he was a complete ass and horribly verbally abusive but I married him anyway?

Not many.

What you do read time and again is - he was Prince Charming, he treated me so well, we were soul mates, he swept me off my feet, couldn't have been more thoughtful.

As much as it seems inconceivable that people do this on purpose - they do. There are men who believe that you charm a woman to make her your partner/wife and then once the ring is on their finger, you can just be your(real)self.

Now, I don't think this is some great evil mastermind/devilish plot, it's just the way some people see it.

In the case of alcoholism, with it being progressive, the guy you met who maybe got way way too drunk every Friday and Saturday - ffwd 5 years can now be a guy who drinks way to much every night or 4 nights a week. He now has brain/body changes to deal with. When he doesn't drink he's in withdrawal, not like a regular hangover (which is bad enough as you know if you have ever had one).

He becomes grouchy and abusive, taking out his frustrations with his life on you, because you are handy and you aren't going anywhere right?

Is it fair? Is it right? No, but it is the way it is. There is a reason the divorce rate hovers around 50% and no it is not because people are stupid or fickle or emotionally challenged it's because people realize it's not a life sentence, it's supposed to be a wonderful thing and when it's not, it's not.

Again, reading around here, you read so many stories from women and men who have stayed in unhappy marriages for years and years, these are not stupid people, or emotionally challenged or fickle, they gave it their best shot.

I'm sure you have too.

No use looking back and no use blaming yourself for staying, that's said and done. You have a plan now going forward, things will get better.
trailmix is offline  
Old 01-07-2019, 06:50 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
((Hugs))
Clover71 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:47 AM.