sotired77

So, after 12 years of living with the alcoholic, I filed for divorce, left, and moved in with my mom. It was really rough (long commute taking the kids to school in traffic) but worth it. My husband stopped drinking, and begged and begged me to come home. He's been motivated about recovery and going to meetings daily, plus therapy and out patient therapy classes. The kids really wanted to go back home, so since he wasn't drinking (and it was no longer "hell" being there), I moved back. I was super hesitant, since I didn't want to get in the way of his recovery, but he assured me it would only help motivate him more if he has his family there with him. So I've been home for a few days. Today is Friday, the day he traditionally relapses and starts drinking. We talked about it last night and he said he had a plan this time. He met with his sponsor yesterday and will be going to out patient classes today. The divorce is still in process and I don't have a lot of expectations from him, but still I can't help feeling anxious. I know it's out of my hands, but I wish I could get rid of this fear and stress.

dandylion

sotired…..After reading your last thread, in the first week of December....(12/7/18)….This is my suggestion....
Since you are already back in the house, with him....I suggest that you make a plan for when/if he relapses, again. And, since the divorce is still in motion...ask your lawyer about taking possession of the home for you and the children--requiring (legally) that he move out--IF he should relapse. You have said that when he is drinking, it is "hell", for you and the kids in the small house. Have him sign the
"relapse agreement" (between you and him) while he is still sober. So, that he cannot claim he doesn't remember.

sotired...I say this with great compassion and sincerity---Please find out more about the true nature and pattern of alcoholism....because moving back in with him in a matter or days, and putting trust in his words, is showing a lack of understanding of how the disease works....
The recommended time for returning to the home, is, generally one year (at least) of uninterrupted sobriety....during which time, the alcoholic needs to be working an intensive program of recovery....AA meetings, working the steps with a sponsor, and applying the principles of the program, in his daily life. This takes a lot of time and hard work for the alcoholic....more than just an AA meeting, per week....
Many alcoholics need to be seeing a counselor..in addition to the program work, because of co-occurring co nditions...like anxiety, depression, adhd, ptsd, past traumas in their life, etc....
Alcoholics are good at talking about good intentions, but, are not able to follow through. Actions are the only things that count. Talk is cheap...and, good intentions go down the drain when the cravings to drink start speaking to them (the alcoholic voice)….

When he "assured" you that the family would motivate him to stay sober, back in the h ouse...he was wrong. What he is saying, is, that he WANTS you back for his own comfort...he wants what he wants when he wants it...lol.
You were back in the house...for years...and, that didn't keep him from drinking. Alcoholism is a powerful force, unless the alcoholic continually works a strong program.

It might be a good idea for you to visit a licensed alcoholism counselor---one that has several years of sobriety, himself.....they know what it REALLY takes....

I hope that you have read the articles in our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones (in the sticky section, above the threads)...I will give you an article to read, right now, that might be helpful information.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

In addition...here is a link to our extensive library...…
There is sooo much to know....
Knowledge is power

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

dandylion

The divorce is still in process and I don't have a lot of expectations from him, but still I can't help feeling anxious. I know it's out of my hands, but I wish I could get rid of this fear and stress.


sotired…..no wonder you feel "fear and stress".....because your brain knows what is in store for you, based on past history....sort of like "pre-ptsd"...lol...
You are right, that, basically, what he does is "out of your hands"....
However, how your life goes, in the future is completely in your own hands...according to the kinds of decisions that you make...
The more you make decisions based on the best welfare for you and the children...the more in control, you will feel....You will be taking your power back.
Right n ow...it looks like alcoholism is controlling your life....through your husband...
Alcohol controls him---and his wants/needs are controlling your decisions....
Gotta turn that around.....

Wamama48

I can understand why you would be nervous. Who wants to walk back into that kind of hell? Like you said, you have no control over whether or not he drinks again, and that's a powerless feeling. I think Dandylion made some excellent points! She always does. 😊 Maybe read what she said many times, it gives you a good framework of what to do for you and your children, if he drinks again. I'll be thinking if you.

Mango212

Hi sotired,

Have you been going to Al-anon? (((hugs)))

FeelingGreat

Sotired, I can really understand why you moved back. It's horrible being away from your home, and you had the children pressuring you.
I also agree with Dandy that it makes sense for you to have a plan for if and when your AH relapses. He may not, but his motivation seems less about himself (his self esteem and self image) and more about missing his family and jumping through some hoops to get you back.
Please make a plan about your ongoing accommodation, because he makes your home unliveable when he's been drinking and it's easy to forget the bad times while he's sober.
Now would also be the time to talk frankly to him about the damage his drunken behaviour causes to everyone, and try to get an undertaking from him to move out if he starts drinking again. It won't be enforceable, but it will hopefully exert some moral pressure in his more sober moments. Not a replacement for legal advice though.

sotired77

dandylion

sotired…...I think you misunderstood some of what I said.....I was suggesting that you, legally, ask the courts that you be able to be the one to live in the home....because of the children....and, he be the one to move out.....
I have seen this done, lots of times...for just the reasons that you state...it makes it easier for the children and the custodial parent.....at least, until the divorce is ever finalized....
What would be your objection to this....?
LOL...It was recommended that the alcoholic...(not the family) to live away for at least one year of continuous sobriety.....I say this, because of the recovery circles that I have been around or witnessed....(I owned a sober house (Oxford House) for a few years. Many of the men, there, had families.....which they got to visit on passes. The goal of most of them was to get one sober year under their belt...before they returned home....the single ones, usually, stayed for 18months. For the most part...these men were successful in regaining their sobriety....
Living apart during the very difficult early recovery period was merciful for them and their families.....
sotired...if I can be be very candid...I sense that you are reluctant to take the legal actions, through the divorce procedure, to ask that you keep residence, in the house, and that he be the one to reside, elsewhere....
Am I warm...? Could it be that you are afraid to ask him to leave the house that he pays part of the mortgage? Is he intimidating....?
If this is true....the court doesn't care, if he objects...if the court says that h e l
leave while you get to stay, with the kids...he has no choice!

lol....sotired….I don't care if you have read the whole Library of Congress o n alcoholism....as long as you are listening to his words, instead of watching his actions (only)...and, establishing brickwall boundaries for yourself, the tail is still wagging the dog...so to speak.
I have worked with hundreds of alcoholics (and families)...and, believe me...when I first started, I had soo much to learn from the seasoned professionals around me...lol...
And, later, dealing with my own alcoholic, in my family...it was still hard!

It sounds like your husband starts things, and then drops away.....
Does he have a co-occurring condition? Like adhd or anxiety/depression? does he have a history of trauma, in the past, and need therapy to deal with it? Does he not commit himself to working a program...100 percent commitment?
(there are so many reasons that a person who wants to get sober, keeps failing)…..

It seems to me that living like you described...for 6 more months....would be hell.....Isn't that why you went to your mother's place, origionally?
Wasn't your mother's place too much pressure, also? Isn't that why you cam back, within a short time.....
Seems, to me, like the third option...remaining in the house with the children would be best for you.....(and, having him leave)…..
I actually did that, myself, with my three children, many years ago....when I divorced my children's father....

I can imagine that you hate hearing al of this , from me....and, truthfully, in the more that thirteen thousand posts, that I have made on this forum...I don't usually get this pointed.....this direct. But, I have such empathy for anyone living with children in this situation....it motivated me to get a bit "pushy"...…And, it seems like you have been going around in the same circle for a number of years.....no wonder you are "sotired"...lol...

sotired….I m going to give you the following website, that is organized by state...in case it will help you to organize your thoughts when talking to your lawyer....
Knowledge is power.....

www.womansdivorce.som

MCESaint

+1.

This may work better with men, than with women; but I once had a therapist say to me....you've been kicked in the balls in the past, both literally and figuratively, so you know what THAT pain feels like. And when you see that foot aiming for your balls again, your brain has already started to "cue up" and make you relive the pain of being hit in the balls. That's your subconscious brain's way of telling you and the conscious part of your brain to "DO SOMETHING" and to cover-up and protect yourself from getting hit in the balls. Meanwhile your subconscious brain or your automatic nervous system is dropping all sorts of stress-related hormones into your body to prepare your body to take action.

So, no wonder you're feeling stressed, etc., sotired. You know you're going to get "hit in the balls" again. And your subconscious brain is screaming at you to "DO SOMETHING!!" Hormones are being pumped into you to take action. And, you're trying to suppress that at so you don't look like you're flipping out irrationally. That is stressful.

Get and have a plan in place now so you don't get hit in the balls.

MCE Saint

trailmix

So really you don't have peace of mind right now?

I think another important consideration, besides the other ones that have been mentioned is your mental health.

Stress like this is not "nothing", I think we use the word so often that it gets a pass at being anything even approaching something we need to deal with. Well we should in all cases. You sound stressed even in your text!

Don't deny it to yourself, you don't have "peace of mind" and I hope that you address that. Circle the wagons and get as much support as you can, post here often, attend al-anon, talk to friends and family that can relate to your situation.

I personally don't understand why on earth you need to pack up the kiddies and move to your Mom's house - ever. You have a home, a job, kids to get to their schools. Why is your Husband sitting in your house while you travel the country with your children?

That fact alone is a huge Red Flag sotired.

Take care of yourself.

hopeful4

I was going to ask the same, forgive me if you have already said. Why did you need to be the one to move? Maybe a good plan right now while he is in a positive frame of mind would be to have a contract that if he relapses...X, and X, and X happen (your decisions) and that HE LEAVES the home. Kids need stability, and their needs come first.

Sending you big hugs! I think since you are already there you hope and pray for the best, prepare for the worst. He seems to be embracing recovery right now, there is nothing but good to come out of supporting him with that.

atalose

I’m sure your husband while drunk refused to leave the home and your immediate solution was then for you and the kids to take refuge in a safer environment. It was suggested to you to have him sign a relapse contract while he is sober, that might be a good idea but not sure how you would actually go about executing getting him to abide by a contact should he resume his intake of alcohol.

What is your end plan, what happens in 6 months? Where do you and your kids go?

Mango212

Hi sotired77,

How are you doing?

One day at a time. Take what you like, leave the rest and keep coming back!

NYCDoglvr

I'd give him a good year before moving back since few alcoholics stay sober that long but since you're there, have a contingency plan for his next relapse.

Seren

Hello sotired

It's OK. You are doing what you feel is the best of what are a limited set of options right now. But the good news is, the ball is in motion. Your divorce is working its way forward, you have been working to educate yourself about addiction for a year, and for the time being, he is working at recovery.

If you are interested in this as an option and it is financially feasible, as others have said, you can speak with the attorney handling your divorce about having him leave the home. I can only imagine how waiting for the other shoe to drop contributes to your anxiety!

Please take care!

sotired77

Wow! Thank you to everyone for all of your comments!!! They have been so helpful. So far, it's been over a month of sobriety. Despite my fears that he would relapse, he has continued to work his program, and has stayed sober. I talked to my lawyer about getting him to move out when things were at their worst, but unfortunately, it was not going to happen. He is not violent, and hasn't put the kids in any physical danger. It's not illegal to drink. I can't force him to move out of his own home simply because he's doing something I don't want him to do. It's his choice if he wants to continue drinking. That is why it was me and the kids who had to move. I would have loved to have my own space for a year, but that isn't reality, and so I am still at home with him. The good news is that he has been great. He has been trying very hard to be a good husband and father. The "dry drunk" nastiness went away after about a week and now things have been very peaceful for over a month. He goes to all of his appointments and goes to meetings regularly. I'm not fooling myself. I know very well he could relapse tomorrow, but I just take it one day at a time, like he does. If he were to relapse, the divorce is still in place, so I have my exit plan. My lawyer said I could continue to post pone the divorce for up to 5 years. So as long as he continues on this path, I will post-pone the divorce. I'm really glad I filed for divorce. Not only because it gives me a plan for getting out if needed, but also because I think it really helped in opening his eyes to recovery. He was too comfortable, and hadn't really lost anything (still had a job, family, home). The realization that he was going to lose his family and home may have helped him to seek recovery. He did it all on his own and he continues to do it all on his own (with my full support of course). Like Mango said, "One day at a time."