In the end, this is what is making it harder...Am i selfish?

Old 12-14-2018, 05:20 AM
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In the end, this is what is making it harder...Am i selfish?

Hi all. Your responses mean more to me than you’ll ever know. I have my bad and good days; for some reason today, I just woke up emotional. I have decided to stop the wellness checks, stop driving by his house, stop calling a phone that has been disconnected for none payment.
I have had alcoholic’s in my family, my mothers’ father was one who was absent most of her life, it really did affect her. Before he died, she made peace with him. However, being in love with an alcoholic has forever changed who I am.
My biggest issue is there is no closure; before he went on this now five-week binge, we went to NYC for a great dinner, held hands, talked about a future. Two days being he returned to work is when I noticed the difference in behavior, passing out for hours, misspelled text messages, lies, etc. In any normal relationship when you break up, you get closure. It didn’t work out because of XWZ, with him, we never broke up, he just turned his phone off and stopped facing the world. I feel its not fare, I am the one who is hurting from an almost three-year relationship failing and he is not. That is what is NOT FARE. I cry, have lost weight from lack of appetite. He I assume feels no emotion because the alcohol numbs him, so in a way, he DOESN’T have to deal with the pain of us ending. Am I selfish? I WANT him to feel the pain. It’s not fare that its all on me. He gets to escape it.
I know there isn’t a lot anyone can say, especially if you have been in his situation which I have not. But today I finally realized that’s what is hurting me so much. That he gets to escape the pain, and I don’t.
I am seeing a therapist on Tuesday, I am hoping she can help me. I am making a step to finally but this behind me. I will not be able to get closure from him but something needs to help. I started jogging to. I am trying to be more positive.
Again, I thank you all.
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Old 12-14-2018, 05:28 AM
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I think you are on the right path with letting go of him completely. Unfortunately it's a rocky road for a while.

I don't know about closure.

I've never gotten out of a love relationship with (immediate) closure, even when I was the one doing the breaking up and I knew exactly why I did it. It just doesn't work like that for me, it takes time to grieve and release it and you are at Day One. I eventually create my own closure, but I've never gotten it from the other person.


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Old 12-14-2018, 05:59 AM
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I am sorry you are hurting. It is always hard in any break up. you want what you were promised, a future. you have dreams and plans and those have to be let go. it is so hard.

You want closure from someone who cannot give it to you. you want to talk and understand why, answer your questions. Your guy cannot give you that because he honestly does not know. He does not have the answers. He is caught up in his own thing oblivious to his actions except shame and guilt about it I am sure. He is ashamed because he drinks and he drinks because he is ashamed.

Only he can help himself. You cannot do it. It is incredibly sad to see someone self destruct, but you cannot save him alone. He will drown you as well.

Hugs to you.
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Old 12-14-2018, 06:01 AM
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Originally Posted by lostinjersey1 View Post
I assume feels no emotion because the alcohol numbs him, so in a way, he DOESN’T have to deal with the pain of us ending. Am I selfish? I WANT him to feel the pain. It’s not fare that its all on me. He gets to escape it.
Alcoholic here, so I'll reply from that perspective. We may drink to avoid pain, but we don't escape it. It returns, and in our failure to cope with it, we drink, yet again. A terrible cycle. And you don't know what pain your alcoholic feels. Could there be something in his past fueling his drinking? Some trauma? Some great shame?

So don't say alcoholics don't feel...we feel. We just don't deal with feelings very well.

As for being selfish. It's not selfish to start looking after your own well being. And it seems that is where your relationship is.
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Old 12-14-2018, 06:13 AM
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^^^^^^^^^^This!
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Old 12-14-2018, 06:13 AM
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I have to echo the experience of others here: "closure" is something we give ourselves, not something anyone else can do for us.

Try to remember he was never drinking "at" you. Take good care of yourself LiJ.
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Old 12-14-2018, 06:16 AM
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl View Post
Alcoholic here, so I'll reply from that perspective. We may drink to avoid pain, but we don't escape it. It returns, and in our failure to cope with it, we drink, yet again. A terrible cycle. And you don't know what pain your alcoholic feels. Could there be something in his past fueling his drinking? Some trauma? Some great shame?

So don't say alcoholics don't feel...we feel. We just don't deal with feelings very well.

As for being selfish. It's not selfish to start looking after your own well being. And it seems that is where your relationship is.
Thank you for your response. I believe he had childhood issues, his mother had him young and he never knew his father. He seems to bring that up a lot...I tried to get him to see a therapist to help him, I do believe if he got help from a therapist, that could help with the drinking. Again, what do I know? I believe that he felt shame from letting everyone down (5 relapses) and he had a great job, they actually held his job for almost a year while he was in and out of treatment. He was nervous that they would treat him differently. I don't mean that alcoholics don't feel pain. From what i have seen with him he just gets nasty and screams at me to go away. Or he will bring up something hurtful I said to him. Its just overall hard to understand. I just want to know he cares and he is feeling we have not talked in four weeks, after almost three years.
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Old 12-14-2018, 07:03 AM
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You want him to hurt. Like you. No, that is not selfish.
So he hurts, he regrets, he misses you, he cries. Yes, I bet he does.

But his hurt is not enough for him to stop drinking.
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Old 12-14-2018, 07:06 AM
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Originally Posted by HTown View Post
You want him to hurt. Like you. No, that is not selfish.
So he hurts, he regrets, he misses you, he cries. Yes, I bet he does.

But his hurt is not enough for him to stop drinking.
He acts like he hates me. I haven't seen him in four weeks, when i checked on him he yelled at me and was just nasty. So that was the last time. I just hope he feels something, I gave him three years of my life.
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Old 12-14-2018, 09:11 AM
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You want closure, you want an XYZ explanation on why this relationship didn’t work out.

The answer to that is pretty obvious, it didn’t work out because of untreated alcoholism. I don’t really think it’s about you needing closure or being selfish I think it all comes down to this…

I just want to know he cares
I’m sure he would not have stuck around for 3 years if he didn’t care for you. It’s not like he consciously asks himself, do I pick lostinjersey1 or do I pick to drink. He is so consumed by his disease right now he couldn’t possible comprehend the damage or hurt he is causing you. And not that his disease is an excuse for unacceptable behavior because it is not. But rather more for you to understand that this is what life is with your alcoholic. He could get sober tomorrow and he could stay sober for 30,60,90 days or more but the odds of this experience you are going through right now repeating itself is extremely high.

Often loving an alcoholic is to run out of tears. I'm sorry you had to go through this experience.
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Old 12-14-2018, 09:19 AM
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Lost-

Self-care is NEVER selfish

I had that as a mantra for a long time.

My closure came when I finally realized that my loved one's drinking had nothing to do with me. He drank because he was an alcoholic. He drank because he could not be with his feelings.

I also realized that I was asking the person who hurt me, who was ill in his disease to heal me. That is like drinking poison but expecting it to get someone else sick.

It was not easy, it was not fast, but I was worth it. You are worth it too.
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Old 12-14-2018, 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
You want closure, you want an XYZ explanation on why this relationship didn’t work out.

The answer to that is pretty obvious, it didn’t work out because of untreated alcoholism. I don’t really think it’s about you needing closure or being selfish I think it all comes down to this…



I’m sure he would not have stuck around for 3 years if he didn’t care for you. It’s not like he consciously asks himself, do I pick lostinjersey1 or do I pick to drink. He is so consumed by his disease right now he couldn’t possible comprehend the damage or hurt he is causing you. And not that his disease is an excuse for unacceptable behavior because it is not. But rather more for you to understand that this is what life is with your alcoholic. He could get sober tomorrow and he could stay sober for 30,60,90 days or more but the odds of this experience you are going through right now repeating itself is extremely high.

Often loving an alcoholic is to run out of tears. I'm sorry you had to go through this experience.
Thank you for your post; I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.
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Old 12-14-2018, 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
Lost-

Self-care is NEVER selfish

I had that as a mantra for a long time.

My closure came when I finally realized that my loved one's drinking had nothing to do with me. He drank because he was an alcoholic. He drank because he could not be with his feelings.

I also realized that I was asking the person who hurt me, who was ill in his disease to heal me. That is like drinking poison but expecting it to get someone else sick.

It was not easy, it was not fast, but I was worth it. You are worth it too.
Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to tell me your story.
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Old 12-18-2018, 07:03 PM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
Try to remember he was never drinking "at" you. Take good care of yourself LiJ.
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
Lost- Self-care is NEVER selfish
....
​​​​​​​It was not easy, it was not fast, but I was worth it. You are worth it too.
Great reminders.

How are you doing?
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Old 12-18-2018, 08:17 PM
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So so beyond sorry that you are going through this Lostin. It has been decades since I left my qualifier and I still remember the off the charts, glow-in-the-dark pain. Just treat yourself as well as you can and get through each day to the best of your ability. It really is the most extreme emotional experience.

Relationship closure seems to be a kind of myth to me. I don't know if I ever heard of anyone who has gotten it. Perhaps someone at sometime but probably not when involved with an addict. After the passage of time I found healing and acceptance and quite a different way of looking at myself and reality.

Let us know how you get on. Big hug!
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Old 12-19-2018, 04:19 AM
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I understand the pain of a breakup in which the whole thing was just jerked out from under me with no explanation, really. And that man wasn't an alcoholic. So the dynamic with someone who is an alcoholic is even more baffling and painful, I'm sure!!

I hope you know that his actions as an active alcoholic are *not* a reflection on you as a person. It doesn't mean that you aren't worth the effort, it doesn't mean that you aren't loveable, it doesn't mean that you aren't beautiful.

You are worth the effort!
You are loveable!
You are beautiful!

Please take good care of you!! I hope today has dawned just a bit brighter!
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Old 12-19-2018, 05:35 AM
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You are now selfish at all. This is what you need to do to retain sanity and get better.

I was married to my qualifier for 12 years and we have a 14 years old who is on autism spectrum and adores his dad. Dad is now sober but still blames me for demise of our marriage (I set him free after multiple relapses and rehabs, lying, cheating and years of verbal abuse, he was barely working and bitter about my successful career). He chose to move 300 miles away on a premise that he did not have any other choice and never even attempted to fight for custody (although he has been sober for a year).
He continues to try to make me feel bad about my financial situation (which is better than his) and complains that his life is harder than mine (I have a full time job and a custody of my teen son, while he lives alone and works two days a week). He claims that he could not breathe while we were married and he cannot cope with difficulties involved in raising child with autism. Some of it is BS, some of it is honest (not being able to cope, it’s weak and sad, but at least honest)

I refuse use to feel guilty for “tearing him apart from his son” and “ruining the marriage”. He made his choices now he has to live with them.

You sound good in your understanding relationships with active alcoholics are not possible. I won’t even consider dating an addict in recovery now - my qualifier was sober when I have met him, based on what I know now - never again.

Letting go gIves you strength, hang in there, and don’t engage in his nonsense

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Old 12-19-2018, 06:20 AM
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Thank you all. I have decided regardless of his recovery I will not have him in my life anymore. You all mean so much to me. I may have my weak moments but I will not give in this time. Thank you all!
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Old 12-19-2018, 01:00 PM
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Lostinjersey1, I can relate and understand how hard it is to let go. I never got closure and it is not easy. Like you, I have good and bad days. I dont know if its the holidays or what but have been struggling a bit lately. I know time will heal , I am strong and my life will be much better knowing he couldn’t be a husband to me as he already had a wife named alcohol. Wishing you the best.
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Old 12-19-2018, 01:15 PM
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Originally Posted by lostinjersey1 View Post
Thank you all. I have decided regardless of his recovery I will not have him in my life anymore. You all mean so much to me. I may have my weak moments but I will not give in this time. Thank you all!
LIJ - so glad to see in the other thread that you mentioned getting in to therapy, that's such a wise move.

The more support you have right now the better, good for you for taking that step.
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