Minnie123

I left AH 4 years ago, life is bloody brilliant, a huge amount of personal and spiritual development, I'm very stable and have a beautiful loving relationship with myself!!

great! I work as a counsellor and mental health so I have always been privledged to support people during their journeys.

anyways romantically I'm attracted to men who have changed their lives around, and now on the straight and narrow, working on themselves spiritually and personally. They have hard lives , addiction but now they find the light and are beautiful people.......

I know this is dangerous as I know many ex go back to same type of guy.. so I dont further develop the relationships with these guys I stay away....i know it's not healthy for me to be with ex addict, but why am I attracted to them, why do we find each other lol. And why do I want to show them love? Or am i just overthinking this....it is interesting though.

trailmix

Hi Minnie,

Have you read co-dependant no more?

Disclaimer: Not in any way implying you are co-dependant at all, just that the book covers boundaries/relationships/relationship with yourself etc

The fact that you only get involved with people who you know you aren't going to have a longer term relationship with is interesting, what do you think that's indicative of?

Glenjo99

I concur. Read codependent no more. You will be amazed by it. Codependents can sniff addicts out and vice versa in a room!

dandylion

Minnie.....If you are really seriously asking this question....(as opposed to a rhetorical question...lol...)….I suggest that you explore Imago Theory...advanced by Harville Hendrix.....It explores the psychology of attraction. His work has been around for a long time and he is well recognized in the field. He has written lots of books that you can find on amazon.com....and trains therapists in the use of Imago theory in relationship therapy.
It is the best and most understandable explanation that I have ever read...pertaining to the question that you ask....

Now, I know that you are getting a lot of advice to read Co-dependent No More---and, I heartily agree....as I think it is also a wonderful book....
(lol read both)…..but, it is directed to a different subgroup of people, in my opinion....it id directed toward co-dependents....those who have a lack of relationship with themselves, and how that factors in their relationships...often with alcoholics/addicts/birds with broken wings

Harville Hendrix delves into the psychology of attraction, in general...for ALL people...why are we attracted to certain people--nd, why are they attracted to us? It is much more broad in scope and delves into the dynamics involved in attraction, itself....

A simple google will bring up a lot of articles about Imago Theory....

This is my take on what you have posted about....

FallenAngelina

And yet, many do not.

There are many wonderful men who were once addicts and who have found their souls once again in recovery. I know a lot of them and many are lovely partners now that they are solidly on the recovery path. AlAnon is full of great men who also are in AA - double winners. Perhaps attend some meetings and evaluate for yourself. There are also many wonderful men in AA who have beautiful depth, understanding and compassion. Find those men. There really are a lot of them!

FeelingGreat

Hey Minnie, I guess it's not right or wrong to be attracted to certain personality types, but what sort of relationship develops out of it. Is it mutually fulfilling or skewed in an unhealthy way?
Not that it ever hurts to analyse the laws of attraction as they apply to you.

Surfbee

Hey, the heart wants what the heart wants!

I believe it's best to follow what feels good to you... focus on the positive qualities... if you feel scared to be around someone because you perceive them as fitting into the 'unhealthy category' and that perception (strong belief you have) is what feels bad, then maybe you need to adjust your perception / belief system of what is healthy and unhealthy to you.

However, if the person in their own right is saying things or doing things that make you feel bad.... then remove yourself from the situation.

Life is simple. Follow what feels good and enjoy the journey.

LifeRecovery

Minnie-

I am coming up on 9 years after leaving the relationship that got me here and 8 years divorced.

I have not yet dated.

I am just starting to find interest in it again now. I have been fearful of it because I did not want to get back into a relationship that would be similar to the one that got me here.

I loved the work of Harville that Dandylion talks about......especially because it allowed me to be me and learn and grow because of and in spite of the challenges that my exAH opened up in my life. It helped me to not blame myself for getting into that relationship.....even if it was my responsibility to grow from that relationship.

Recently I have realized that my dating life is less about the other person and more about me trusting myself in relationship....to stay in or get out. To speak my truth regardless. To be myself and trust that that will bring the right people into my life because I can trust myself.

NYCDoglvr

Boy, can I relate. I had such a horrible relationship with an alcoholic that I never wanted to go through anything like it again. Alanon was a huge help because I saw I had to change or I would end up in another relationship with a recovering alcoholic. In early days, when I complained about the messed up BF my sponsor said "well, you picked him!". Ouch, but it's so true. After the steps, therapy and a lot of work I'm no longer attracted to men with substance abuse problems, even those with years of recovery. I want only healthy, kind people in my life.

dandylion

I am so pleased to hear that LifeRecovery benefitted from the works of Harville Hendrick's work (Imago Theory of Attraction)…..
I came across it years ago...and, it really opened my eyes...and, it is fascinating. also.....
It seems that we are attracted to another person for. both, their positive and negative qualities....And, the negative qualities are probably the most important ones...lol...
LOl….it was like putting on those special sunglasses that allow you to see the whole field of vision, in detail....and not just a partial view......

LifeRecovery

I had actually just bought the book on sale at a second hand shop Dandy the first time you mentioned it. I feel like it all happened in a less than 48 hour period.

Just like that life "coincidence," I truly believe that though the learning is painful the lessons are worth it. In part his work helped me to see why.

It also helped me to realize that as painful as my experience with my ex was.....I needed that relationship for what it showed me about me. It focused the spotlight on my challenges and helped me to illuminate them. As NYC commented. I had chosen this relationship, the book helped me to gently see why. He talks about that our loved ones and the relationship that we have with them help to put us through a rock polisher. At the most painful this was a great visual for me....crude here I am again getting pretty, polished and smooth.

I was repeating detrimental patterns in my life with non-intimate relationships too.

I don't think that will keep me issue free in relationship, but I do know that my relationships are better and more open now. I do think my recovery though has helped me to be more fluid and more able to trust that taking care of ME is always correct....and the rest will come.

Now I need to take this learning and put it into practice. Not quite ready to date but golly gee I am starting to run out of excuses.

dandylion

I was, actually, in a very happy marriage when I first discovered his work.....
but, it still helped me to understand me better.....and, why I "clicked" with my husband, also....LOL...even when I was annoyed by him (very rare)...I stopped myself from ragging on him---because I could see that I picked him, partially, for that very thing...! Who knew?

For me...the most impactful visual that I took away, was this---We are all made up of the internalized characteristics of all the significant persons, in our life, as we grew up....usually our caretaking persons....both, their good and bad characteristics. We have got it all stored inside our memories.
When we meet a new person.....we recognize the SAME things, within them. Like a kind of emotional radar.
so, if we understand those thing that we are made up of---we can come to understand why we are so attracted to another person.....
And, we can, also, avoid certain types that we know are toxic to us..even if we are drawn to them like a moth to flame...lol....
However, I think it is interesting that we are all attracted to certain persons---
if we never ever knew a thing about all of this....it is universal, in all humans.....-