Acceptance vs. not putting up with it?
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Acceptance vs. not putting up with it?
Feeling a bit conflicted today...hoping for clarity.
I called my 27 year old AS to invite him to join us for Christmas Eve dinner. He answered the phone, was pleasant while he shared about his life and recent events...never once asks how I am doing...but that's another story, or maybe the same story.
I extended the invite, he immediately said, he was working on Christmas Eve, and the day after Christmas and he'd let me know that day depending on how work went. I said we'd love to see him, that we missed seeing and hearing from him on Thanksgiving (he ignored our invitations). He was non-committal, and I let it go, and wished him a lovely day, and asked that he keep in touch and let us know of his plans.
When I read the daily meditation in Courage to Change, it reminded me to accept our alcoholic loved ones as they are, and remember that they are often doing the best they can, and we should love them the way they are and not want them to change.
I try, but are they really doing the best they can? When help is available, must they suffer so, and cause the rest of us to suffer along with them? Of course, I want him to change, with every fiber in my being! It's what I pray for every day!
I love my son, but I cannot accept who he has become. He is cold, and full of ****...how am I supposed to accept the facade he puts up or what lies beneath it when I know what I see?
I invited him, and I will let it go. Whatever he does, it's on him. I will stick to my plan of only contacting him when it makes sense. I will find my own joy in each day, but this really sucks!
I called my 27 year old AS to invite him to join us for Christmas Eve dinner. He answered the phone, was pleasant while he shared about his life and recent events...never once asks how I am doing...but that's another story, or maybe the same story.
I extended the invite, he immediately said, he was working on Christmas Eve, and the day after Christmas and he'd let me know that day depending on how work went. I said we'd love to see him, that we missed seeing and hearing from him on Thanksgiving (he ignored our invitations). He was non-committal, and I let it go, and wished him a lovely day, and asked that he keep in touch and let us know of his plans.
When I read the daily meditation in Courage to Change, it reminded me to accept our alcoholic loved ones as they are, and remember that they are often doing the best they can, and we should love them the way they are and not want them to change.
I try, but are they really doing the best they can? When help is available, must they suffer so, and cause the rest of us to suffer along with them? Of course, I want him to change, with every fiber in my being! It's what I pray for every day!
I love my son, but I cannot accept who he has become. He is cold, and full of ****...how am I supposed to accept the facade he puts up or what lies beneath it when I know what I see?
I invited him, and I will let it go. Whatever he does, it's on him. I will stick to my plan of only contacting him when it makes sense. I will find my own joy in each day, but this really sucks!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Maybe he puts up the facade because that's "acceptable". If he had said to you, I can't come over for xmas eve or xmas day because I have those days off and I want to drink, then recover on boxing day and get back to work the following day, would that have been acceptable?
You don't like him the way he is, you don't accept that he wants to drink but you want to be close to him?
The answer is no, if you cannot accept him then you can't, that is truly your choice and your prerogative.
I'm a bit confused actually, you told him you miss him and miss seeing him but you don't like the life he has chosen (drinking).
So do you miss him, I mean as he is right now, today?
And yes, it sucks.
There are some good articles here that might be of interest to you:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
You don't like him the way he is, you don't accept that he wants to drink but you want to be close to him?
The answer is no, if you cannot accept him then you can't, that is truly your choice and your prerogative.
I'm a bit confused actually, you told him you miss him and miss seeing him but you don't like the life he has chosen (drinking).
So do you miss him, I mean as he is right now, today?
And yes, it sucks.
There are some good articles here that might be of interest to you:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
You are right Trailmix...the person I miss has been gone for awhile now...You never know who is going to show up with my son, but I sometimes get glimpses of the lovely boy he was...enough to make me long to be close to him. But I am always disappointed, because that lovely boy is getting harder and harder to see, and the wall he puts up harder to penetrate with every encounter.
Thank you for the article...I will read it again and more carefully soon, but so far it seems enlightening and so very very sad.
Thank you for the article...I will read it again and more carefully soon, but so far it seems enlightening and so very very sad.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
My sil has a friend with a child, now an adult, lost to addiction.
They are no longer in contact, and she once shared with me that perhaps it’s deliberate on her child’s part because he knows it would grieve her to know how he is living, and he wants to spare her that.
Don’t know if that’s true, but it’s a way to look at things, isn’t it?
They are no longer in contact, and she once shared with me that perhaps it’s deliberate on her child’s part because he knows it would grieve her to know how he is living, and he wants to spare her that.
Don’t know if that’s true, but it’s a way to look at things, isn’t it?
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