LostBee

Hi all, I've been lurking on here again the last few months. I used to be on here and then went away thinking that I could moderate. Well we all know how that goes! I can't do it, and know it now. I might be able to do it for one or two events, but it's like the door is left open to my old life, I binge, feel awful, then swear off it. This only lasts for about a month and then I do it again.

The periods of sobriety I have managed have been great. But after a while I get a whole load of "who am I?" feelings. For years I have drank through a lot of uncomfortable, stressful periods and I think it's stunted my emotional growth. When I'm sober, I suddenly have to deal with all of that growing up. And it's hard doing it alone!

I can't believe that I'm still having the same problems now. I look back at the last few years and apart from some of the sober times and it's cringing at best, plain old depressing at worst. I can't keep living like this. I've got to come up with a plan and work it like my life depends on it.

Sorry for rambling. Just got a lot of thoughts this Day 2 morning.

D122y

Lost,

I don't drink by any means necessary. I go to casinos, parties, show, dinners etc. where there is drinking.

It used to bother me a lot, the first several months, seeing folks drinking. But now it barely does.

My gut reaction is...yum, I want a martini, then the analytical immediately kicks in...

....look at that person's eyes, his greasy skin, his slurred speach...etc etc etc. I have a whole laundry list in my head.

That is how I did it from day 1 until now.

I have been to AA. I have a BB. I take what I need from there and them.

I am med free.

I work out 4 to 7 days a week for about 45 min to 2 hours depending. The work out has been my new drug. It totally fills the time gaps left open.

Sr has been my therapist. I get support and rejection here. I can tell there are folks that appreciate me and folks that hate me here.

I use both types of folks to stay sober. I use Sr to hold myself accountable. I have something to prove to all these folks. I have something to prove to my wife, son, family, coworkers, friends etc as well.

Everyone knows I quit drinking, but I have never been diagnosed w an alcoholic problem. I plan to keep it that way.

Hope this helps you break free.

Thanks.

Dee74

Welcome back LostBee

I credit SR with curing my delusion I could someday somehow moderate my drinking.

I posted here a lot about my problems and posted to a lot of other people too - it helped keep my problem fresh and grounded in my mind.

Gotta be worth a shot?

D

LostBee

Thanks for your posts Dee, D122y and letsgetsorted. I identify with a lot of what you've said and feel a level of calm descend on me whilst reading them. Knowing I'm not alone with these feelings means a lot. Today I'm just sticking close to here and reading as much as I can. I have also dusted off my journal and written in there already.

DayTrader

Sometimes I think I'm worse-off than I really am. Such is the nature of a hyper-active group of emotions in the typical alcoholic. On the other hand, MANY times I felt I was slipping backwards because I was slipping backwards. This is one of the reasons I suggest working with someone who's got experience in recovery and in helping others establish and maintain sobriety. Having a second set of eyes and getting a more un-biased opinion can be very helpful.

Do you have some ppl, in real life, that you're working on this with or are you trying to figure it out for yourself? While the latter is possible, it's not the easiest path.

Zebra1275

Getting sober by yourself is very difficult, I tried countless times over the years to do so.

What finally worked for me was a combination of this website (everyday) and AA for the face to face support.

Rd2quit

Your drinking in moderation sounds a lot like mine. I would binge, blackout, regret stuff I would do, then promise myself I will start taking it easier. That works for a couple weeks, then I binge again, blackout, regret behavior, promise myself I need to take it easier. I would say things like "I'll just drink beer" but then in a couple weeks I'm back to whiskey.

Anna

Yes, I think this is the hardest part of recovery because we really need to dig deep and feel the feelings we've been avoiding for so long. It's scary, but you can do it.

Good job on Day 2!