Surfbee

Hey all, hope you're all doing well. I wanted to share an update to let you know how I'm doing as haven't posted in a while. My boyfriend and I decided to get back together a few months ago. (please don't judge!) lol

But after taking time apart, he showed up really wanting to make it work. I followed my heart and decided to accept him for who he is... and made the decision to make myself happy no matter what was going on with him. I continued with my yoga and meditation everyday and discovered Abraham Hicks for the first time (Thanks to SR threads here!) so that combined with the support you, my friends, a few months of therapy, good things happening with work, life felt better and lighter .... I've been feeling the best I have in years, and been very grateful of my boyfriend and his issues (and learning about the effects of being an ACOA) because all of this has lead me to a new education and new approach to life ... and so I stopped caring about his drinking and just focused on my well-being. Living separately has also worked wonder too.... (moved out summertime) and now my boyf makes every effort to show up as the guy he was two years ago.

To those who don't know, my boyf is an alcoholic with ADHD. Before I joined this forum, I had no clue about the effects of alcoholism or ADHD, or how enmeshed us partners can get....but since SR I've learned new tools and feel more at peace and at ease.

I still get triggered from time to time but I seem to be better placed at allowing things to wash over me and settle ....I'm good at doing nice soothing things for myself such as candlelit showers with Patti Smith or Abraham Hicks recordings

So I've been feeling great....until last night, sadly ...(after a lovely xmassy day out together) I felt myself wobbling a bit ...triggered by a combination of negative thoughts - a conversation I had with my sister, the death of my great uncle (funeral is tomorrow) and him going to his place to drink after our lovely day out......so I felt low and sort of took my mood out on him ....I apologised but he's now shut himself off.

We always had a dramatic relationship but I felt like the dynamics were really changing for the better .... we both felt so much peace together... and right now I know it's all going to be okay - eventually no matter what happens - but I'm noticing the very sharp contrast from where I was at only yesterday and it's upsetting.

Just wanted to share this in the hope that some of you have insights to share on feeling good and healthy within a relationship with an A / RAH ....and keeping that momentum going.

FallenAngelina

Surfbee, AlAnon and AH teach us the same thing about bumps:

AH teaches that contrast not only always serves us in our creative process, but is a necessary component in evolving life. "Problems" and bumps are part of evolution, for without a challenge, there is no need for improvement. That's how life propels forward for all living beings.

AlAnon (and AA) remind us that it's all about progress, not perfection. Work the program, not the problem.

Sounds like you are living your program and doing great. Both AH and AlAnon show us that our serenity is ours, no matter the outer circumstances, so the overall peace you now live with and see reflected back to you via your relationship is yours. That's for certain. But life is not designed to be peaceful at all times. We need bumps to give us more to chew on, more ways to grow, better ability to focus on what we want to create. This bump is just part of your creation process and as with all bumps, it is here to serve you. Remember that as you move forward in your stability with overall peace. Know that nothing has gone wrong here and gently bring your thoughts to where they can easily rest. In AH terms, you likely will find benefit in going general with your focus and letting Source do its thing. In AlAnon terms, focus on the first 3 steps and allow your HP to do the work. When we are upset, our work is never to fix situations, but to find our way back to our serenity so that we can once again hear our quiet inner guidance.

Surfbee

Thank you so much FallenAngelina. Everything you've said is really comforting... I like the word "bumps" ... that's already making things seem a lot lighter and easier.

I think this bump is serving me by reminding me of what I really want, and that's to be gentle on myself whenever I feel the contrasting moment.... trust that I'll be okay and it's all part of the "creation process" - I like that.

Not hearing from him upsets me still but all the more reason to surrender him up. I did a nice meditation there, journalled a bit, and read your lovely message and feeling more at ease. I haven't attended an al-anon meeting in a while so might go to one tonight also...

Mango212

Hi Surfbee & Angelina,

Thank you for this thread, kindness and the support you both give!

I'm putting an Al-anon meeting into my plans today.

One day at a time. One moment at a time. [Edit] I revisited some goals I had for 2018, recognized the ones I've achieved, two that may work out soon and two that can wait until the new year.

Namaste

FireSprite

Hey Surf - just don't forget that his ADHD diagnosis doesn't give him a pass on his behaviors. He's still accountable for his own recovery (as a human even if not an addict) & capable of change whether he's medicated or not. Awareness is critical in these relationships, on both sides.

Being in a relationship with someone with ADHD also doesn't mean you have to be perfect to make yourself/your relationship easier for him to manage. You're allowed to have a bad day & he should be able to provide you with support when it happens - not add more fuel to the way you're feeling.

What is he doing to actively manage himself & take accountability? Meds, therapy, books? What kinds of changes in behaviors have you seen that makes you think it's more manageable this time around?

Hope you are feeling better today!

trailmix

Hi Surfbee! I don't really have anything to add of much significance but happy to hear from you, have been wondering how you were getting on.

You know it's interesting. I agree with Angelina, of course, these are just bumps in the road.

I guess the thing with Alcoholics is that those particular bumps are always going to be there, even if they have some recovery. Since drinking masks things, usually used as a coping tool or to self-medicate, it just is.

Also the other thing with active alcoholism is that it doesn't tend to remain stagnant. Any number of things can create a bender or progression in drinking. This might just be the calm before the storm.

You getting upset with him has taken him in to hibernation.

All you can do is rely on your coping tools, which you are and that's a good thing!

trailmix

So I was thinking about this and I have a question. You said "feeling good and healthy within a relationship with an A / RAH ....and keeping that momentum going"

You know, that's kind of impossible IF your expectation right now is that this isn't going to keep happening. It almost sounds like you were surprised that he reverted back to drinking/being silent, but while he may be finding some happiness and contentment in your relationship, that doesn't change the fact that he is in active alcoholism.

So I guess my question is, was that your expectation? That he wouldn't want to drink/withdraw since it was all going so well?

NYCDoglvr

Good point. What I learned at Alanon is denial and rationalization are key ingredients of codependency just as they are of addiction. My sponsor gave me reality checks, which I really needed, and said I should ask myself if I trust and respect the alcoholic. The answer was no.

pdm22

Surfbee

I have every expectation that at times he will feel the need to withdraw and drink - and over the past few months he has done so several times without any reaction from me. Not because I've tried to mask how I feel but because I've been feeling so good in myself that I really didn't care about what he was doing. Consequently (and unexpectedly) he'd come back a day later making every effort to show up and do nice things.

The difference on this occasion was that he chose to withdraw as a reaction to my bad mood and it felt really awful to allow his reaction to knock me out of wack with myself.... so this is less about his drinking and withdrawing and more about me and where I want to be for my own sake.

As I said in my OP, the last few weeks I've been feeling really happy. I believe it's possible to keep that level going ... obviously there will be bad days... I just want be a better support for MYSELF when I'm the one who wobbles.

According to NycDog's comment however, it seems to be presumed that I'm in "denial" because I have the capacity to feel that happy? I'm well aware of his addiction and its effects. I'm also well aware of my potential (and anyone's potential) to break old habits.

"codependency" has become a very cliche label IMO. I don't wish to apply it to my situation. All relationships have their own dynamic. Yes there are similar patterns we can all share when we've been in relationships with substance abusers (or with anyone who is disconnected for that matter) but we all have the capacity to break habits and find true happiness no matter where we're at.

trailmix

I agree that codependency doesn't have to be in play,

I also agree that you can be in a relationship with an alcoholic and be happy at the same time.

Here is the hook though, in order to do that you have to detach from the person/behaviour.

For instance Non-A person and A are out skating! Having a great time, drinking cocoa. By mistake A trips Non-A and non A gets a cut on their lip and it bleeds and they cry. A is upset by this, fun over, everyone goes home and A is now in silence with his alcohol and Non-A is now in her home, nursing a swollen lip.

So far so good, kind of.

So you have a relationship where instead of hashing out a problem, or showing concern for another etc, the A retreats, can't deal with all that emotion.

So where does that leave Non-A. Alone.

This is dysfunction. There is nothing "normal" about this kind of interaction. It is so selfish.

Now, I GET it, I really do and I'm not saying what you should or should not do and yes there is always hope but if you can get so far detached from a person that your feelings are not hurt when they shut you out - what hope does that hold for the relationship?

Eventually, after our feelings are stomped on enough times, we will put barriers up, that is human and that is normal and if you aren't then you are going to keep getting hurt.

The other things is and this may be why you wobbled, you get lulled after a while perhaps, things go well for a time, you let some barriers and guards down and when you do you get hurt this time, unlike last time when you were more guarded?

Anyway, I'm certainly not saying you are codependent, I'm just throwing this out there.

FallenAngelina

It seems to me that Surfbee might be aiming not to base her choices on him so much as on asking whether she trusts and respects her own inner guidance. The answer is yes. Perhaps?

Surfbee

Hi pdm, thanks for sharing your expereince and so sorry for the loss you've suffered. I appreciate what you're saying. For me I feel hope because we generally have a great relationship.. There's more I'll write later but it's 5am here and need to go back to sleep thanks everyone for comments x

Surfbee

Yes 100% this 🙌

atalose

I think any kind of self-building is a process and in that process we learn to feel more comfortable with ourselves. It’s almost like a new kind of getting to know ourselves but this time in healthier ways.

I think the more you build your self-esteem and the more you feel happy and content alone without that need for someone else to validate you in order to feel happy and content the stronger you will become.

As you progress with your self-building and he remains the same the dynamics of this relationship are bound to change. If you continue on this self-building course you will be prepared for the change and you might be ready to close this chapter of your life.

trailmix

Yes and that is really what my question was. How is it sustainable when you are changing.

How is it sustainable when you are detaching.

Surfbee, just so you know I wasn't singling you out! It's a question I've thought about, in general and I guess I was wondering how you approach that question. So my comment was more conversational.

FireSprite

Precisely. This is why I am asking how HE is managing HIS ADHD. Detachment doesn't always work when dealing with ADHD because it's sometimes hard to do that without accepting bad behavior/crossed boundaries. It's hard to explain... all I can say is that when his ADHD is running the show, nothing else factors in at all. It is the Bull in the China Shop, charging out of control in unpredictable directions. You can only detach from that & hear apologies about the broken china for so long before the Bull has to take responsibility for knowing he was entering the tiny shop in the 1st place. Again.

Speaking from YEARS of experience I can tell you that it all comes down to the exact. same. thing. Accountability. Changed Behaviors. Getting a diagnosis is one thing - actively managing the disorder is significantly more complicated. My BFF is also severely ADHD (anyone seeing a pattern here, lol?) and just started meds last week after years of people pointing it out to her. But I'm not in a romantic relationship with her & we don't have the same dynamics at play. I don't look to her for the same kind of support as I do my spouse - I can detach, walk away, not take it all so personally.

ADHD takes active management, just like diabetes or addiction. Not all of it can be tamed - but much of it is possible with retraining. Once he was really aware of how impulsivity impacted him, he could recognize it better when it popped up in daily life. Knowing that time management is an ongoing struggle, he pays more attention to managing it like setting alarms, etc.

This article really sums up the long-term affects of being in a relationship with an ADHD partner who is resistant to therapy:

https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content...ced-it-matters

Yes, a lot of it comes down to your own burgeoning self-worth not getting lost in the shuffle. Don't be surprised if you simply "outgrow" this relationship because he isn't capable/doesn't want to keep up with your changes.

FallenAngelina

Totally sustainable, but everything depends on what we, who love the alcoholic, bring to the table. Detach means that we let go of the need to steer others. Detach means that we let others be what they chose to be and we look inside ourselves for guidance instead of what they are choosing. Detach means that we no longer live or die according to what someone else does or says, we have our own source of well being that is independent of others. Detach does not mean that we no longer feel emotionally attached. Detachment with love actually allows us to emotionally attach in a much more stable and peaceful way. AlAnon addresses these questions. We don't know what will happen when we change inside, but we do know that the only healthy way forward is to detach with love, let go and give control over to our HP. The preamble of most meetings reminds us:

"...it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives. The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas...."


Note that the program does not say, "The situation can improve only if the alcoholic cooperates and changes, too."

trailmix

But that only addresses a person's happiness if the alcoholic continues to "drink".

I can ignore anyone's drinking, I don't care if someone drinks. There are other behaviours that tend to be prevalent in those that are alcoholics, the masking of some other problem.

For instance, the "disappearing" or "hibernating" of the alcoholic, the pulling back, the emotional distance when emotions are shown, that is a common thread.

Now, anyone can also accept this, pull back and find your own happiness. Anyone can do that I suppose, but that does not answer the question of how you can sustain a healthy relationship.

I don't think you can. You cannot be 100 percent independent of a person and be in a relationship with them. No need to be co-dependant at all but there is a mutual dependence and an expectation that by and large you will be treated with love and respect.

Don't get me wrong, this is no attack on Al-Anon or what they suggest, I think detaching is a great tool, but it's not a path to having a good, healthy, relationship with an SO, it is a coping tool.

FireSprite

Again - this does NOT apply the same to ADHD.

It is not a matter of whether they are drinking or not, ADHD is 24/7 and is about much, much more than how it intersects with drinking. Like trailmix said - it's about tons & tons of underlying, seemingly unrelated behaviors & "isms".......

The biggest problem, of course, is that it is VERY easy to become codependent with an ADHD partner even if you don't have the tendency naturally because you end up picking up lots of slack in every way & the relationship is constantly off-balance. It can be hard to draw lines between healthy behaviors for the partner so that you don't come off like an authoritarian/parent/ drill sergeant.