Point me in the right direction
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 24
Point me in the right direction
We've been married for 20 years, our kids are 14 & 16. My husband has dealt with alcoholism on and off for the entire 20 years. In February he quit drinking and that lasted until August. In April he found his 43 year old friend dead of a heart attack.... he hung on till August and then crashed. Now he's back to running to the bars after work... he doesn't drink every night but once he has 1, he will be be there till the bar closes. He told me last night that he's done because I'm never happy. I guess he's right... I can't live with the alcoholism. Do I keep trying or throw in the towel?
Jen
Jen
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by jen5508 
Do I keep trying or throw in the towel?
Of course he says you are never happy, because you are never happy with his drinking. This is, of course, entirely up to you. You don't have to like it and it's completely understandable.
Apparently he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do (again, that is your prerogative), but from his viewpoint he just wants to drink.
Have you read around the forum at all? Lots of good posts, at the top of the forum as well in the stickies section.
You might also find these articles helpful:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Do you have any outside support at all, have you attended Al-Anon?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 24
I'm not sure if I want to stay married or not at this point...
I don't have any support... there really isn't that good person I can talk to, guess that why I came here
We have a beautiful farm on 30 acres and I hate to sell it and change my kids lives at this point... My son is Junior in High School..... this isn't fair to them at all
I don't have any support... there really isn't that good person I can talk to, guess that why I came here
We have a beautiful farm on 30 acres and I hate to sell it and change my kids lives at this point... My son is Junior in High School..... this isn't fair to them at all
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
No, it's not fair. However, there will ALWAYS be some trigger. Seasons change. Death happens. People change jobs. He has to decide he wants to work on recovery every single day, forever. It's a big ask, and one that many are not willing to make.
Only you can decide what you can tolerate, or not. I encourage you to read lots here, and keep posting. You are not alone. Have you tried Alanon or Celebrate Recovery for face to face support, or a counselor who helps families with addiction? I did both, and they were of immense help to me.
Only you can decide what you can tolerate, or not. I encourage you to read lots here, and keep posting. You are not alone. Have you tried Alanon or Celebrate Recovery for face to face support, or a counselor who helps families with addiction? I did both, and they were of immense help to me.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jen....did he try to stop by "whiteknuckling?...? or, did he seek any kind of support or help? Do you think he will be amenable to accepting help, at this point? Have you ever discussed this with him...?
)the more information that you give us...the easier it is for us to try to help)….
)the more information that you give us...the easier it is for us to try to help)….
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Keep trying what, exactly?
You can't fight his alcoholism battle for him. And only you can decide when you have had enough of waiting.
In the meantime, it can't hurt to speak to a lawyer about what you might expect regarding the farm in the case of a separation or divorce. It's always better to deal with facts than speculation.
You can't fight his alcoholism battle for him. And only you can decide when you have had enough of waiting.
In the meantime, it can't hurt to speak to a lawyer about what you might expect regarding the farm in the case of a separation or divorce. It's always better to deal with facts than speculation.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You , and only you, get to decide what is an acceptable standard of living.
No doubt, 20 years of his addiction ruling the roost , is going to take a toll on you and your kids. Is there something different about this relapse? Do you believe you have reached your limit ?
I had to ask myself if there was anything XA could do to turn things around, and when I realized I did not want to be with an active alcoholic ( recovering alcoholic was not something he was interested in trying) I knew I had to move forward in life.
No doubt, 20 years of his addiction ruling the roost , is going to take a toll on you and your kids. Is there something different about this relapse? Do you believe you have reached your limit ?
I had to ask myself if there was anything XA could do to turn things around, and when I realized I did not want to be with an active alcoholic ( recovering alcoholic was not something he was interested in trying) I knew I had to move forward in life.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Jen,
Have you been going to Al-anon?
When he said he's done, does that mean he's willing to leave?
My husband and I are living apart. It's the best chance we have to improve our marriage. Illogical. Everything about alcoholism and recovery tends to be.
Have you been going to Al-anon?
When he said he's done, does that mean he's willing to leave?
My husband and I are living apart. It's the best chance we have to improve our marriage. Illogical. Everything about alcoholism and recovery tends to be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by jen5508
I don't have any support... there really isn't that good person I can talk to, guess that why I came here
Speaking to a lawyer, as someone else mentioned, if a great idea, just so you know exactly what your options might be. Doesn't mean you need to act on any of it, but it's good to know the facts.
As dandylion mentioned, the more you let us know the more we can help.
I mentioned Al-Anon as many have found a lot of wisdom there (as well as here at sober recovery), the more support you get the better.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
This resonates with me: "He told me last night that he's done because I'm never happy. I guess he's right... I can't live with the alcoholism."
I was in that boat with slightly younger children. For me, getting myself, and my children half time, away was the hardest, best thing I could do. I had resigned myself to being miserable but keeping my wedding vows.
As some on here reminded me, a marriage is not supposed to be a life sentence.
My children and I no longer have our version of 30 acres, but we have peace, good conversations, laughter, singing, and did I mention, peace?
It's so hard being in your spot; I'm glad you found this place to get information and ideas for moving forward.
I was in that boat with slightly younger children. For me, getting myself, and my children half time, away was the hardest, best thing I could do. I had resigned myself to being miserable but keeping my wedding vows.
As some on here reminded me, a marriage is not supposed to be a life sentence.
My children and I no longer have our version of 30 acres, but we have peace, good conversations, laughter, singing, and did I mention, peace?
It's so hard being in your spot; I'm glad you found this place to get information and ideas for moving forward.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Dear Jen
I truly feel for you. I left my husband, my farm and my 2 15 year olds in January.
you don't mention if your husband is abusive. Mine became abusive and that is why I eventually walked after holding on for so long.
You have held on this long so you don't need to rush but you, and only you, will know if it's time to go.
I find reading very helpful. "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft really opened my eyes and anything by melody beattie I find very comforting.
My heart goes out to you
you don't mention if your husband is abusive. Mine became abusive and that is why I eventually walked after holding on for so long.
You have held on this long so you don't need to rush but you, and only you, will know if it's time to go.
I find reading very helpful. "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft really opened my eyes and anything by melody beattie I find very comforting.
My heart goes out to you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
i'm still trying 15 years later and wish i had the strength to throw in the towel each and every day. what i've come to terms with is that she is never going to stop relapsing. Never. Never. Never. NEVER. The roller-coaster will always be running and i'll be running with it until i choose to get off.
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