Chung

I am a little over 3 months sober now. Physically I feel good since I don't have hangovers and work-out like I always have. Mentally, I feel a bit discombulated. I went for a run yesterday and was asking myself who are you and what do you want out of life???

I am almost 46 years of age and feel so behind maturity wise. I have made some unwise choices (self-inflicted) that has brought my family and myself to our current circumstances. We rent a home now and I am almost embarrassed by it since I was used to living in nice homes. I don't even want my children's friends to come over since they all live in gorgeous homes. I feel bad for my children since they could be living in a nice spacious home if I didn't make some rotten choices!!! Now with the holidays, so many events are coming up that require some type of gift exchanges at work and children's school. Since I am in a financial bind, I feel a little overwhelmed on how to do it all.

Any suggestions on how to inprove my attitude and outlook?

doggonecarl

Congrats on three months.

Christmas is tough on a lot of people...not just recovering alcoholics. Please don't stress yourself out on materialistic aspect of Christmas. The pressure to engage in gift exchanges and what not is self imposed. But if you feel that you must partake, there is the gift of the hand-made craft.

Anna

The Holidays are often an emotional time for people. As far as gifts, maybe you could cut costs and make something, a craft or some cookies, to offer as gifts.

Try to not blame yourself for your situation. Of course, it's important to know that your choices caused financial issues for your family. But, if you continue to blame and shame yourself, you could find yourself being lured back to drinking. Try to focus on making positive choices now.

Robbie64

I agree with the above. Try focussing on making postive choices. Three months is a good period of sobriety to have under your belt and dwelling on the negatives could drag you back to where you were.

If you have made bad choices in the past then it is perfectly natural to look back on them with regret. You can't change the past but you can change how you look at it.

Yes, Christmas is an expensive time especially when you are expected to exchange gifts. What did you do in the past (i.e. last year, the year before) when it came to gifting? This year you have the advantage of being sober. And keeping sober will give you the chance to help strengthen your finances during 2019.

least

The best way I know to change my attitude is to practice gratitude every day. It helps me focus on the positive and it makes me happier.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0

wildflower70

Your children will benefit a lot more from the love and tenderness that you show them, rather than a big house filled with material possessions. I think that we get so caught up in the buy-me-show-me mentality of Christmas (and in general) that we forget what is really important. You are providing a secure, sober home for your kids...that is a precious gift.

Bless you this holiday season...

August252015

I grew up very privileged and used to tell my parents hat I would trade everything we had if my mom would get sober. Took a long time for that to happen, no trade involved.

You are on a good path with three months- what are you doing as an active program for recovery? Once I quit drinking, I found that it was my thinking that had to change.

SoberCAH

Very well put, Chung.

I'm glad you brought up this topic.

I have always said that sobering up is about growing up.

As we say around here, most of us didn't get here on a winning streak.

I certainly didn't.

There wasn't much left of my reputation and bank account (or marriage, for that matter) when I got sober.

But, on one precise day (my sobriety date), I hit the earth with a resounding thud, my free-fall ceased, and I started inching my way upward (morally, spiritually and behaviorally).

Sometimes I act without thinking and take myself back down a notch or three, but then I catch myself and try to get back onto an uptick from a growth standpoint.

When I drank, I was not a serious person.

For me, the very essence of my alcoholism was a "screw it" mindset.

Nor was I remotely mature.

Getting sober means I am responsible for my actions.

I can't blame everything on others.

Like I said above - great topic.

Dee74

For me I didn't have to force anything Chung - just engaging with my life sober and those in it meant I had to grow up and learn quickly.

It was a steep learning curve, but a valuable one.

I found I was more capable than I knew.
I'm sure you'll find that too

D

Fearlessat50

Hi Chung, it is great to see you. From your posts, you seem so much better than a few months ago. Congrats!

It’s interesting because when I was actively drinking (and relapsing), I was still the same drinking person. I had not done anything to change my thoughts and behaviors and my sense of spirituality. I was still actively on social media, still comparing myself to others and judging myself by their lifestyles.

I guess my advice would be to stop comparing yourself to others, don’t allow external things and people to define who you are. I know you’ve made mistakes from the past and they haunt you to this day. We have all been there. But your past does not define you either. Look at you now. You are a beautiful sober person! That’s all that matters. Your life will continue to get better as you stay sober. Your relationship with your children will be so much better and they will respect what you have done to turn your life around.

I also have to say I’ve learned that a lot of what people put out there isn’t always true. There are so many people driving fancy cars, living the high life, seemingly beautiful marriage and perfect lives. Then you find out they are a mess, in debt or whatever. It’s often the people who flaunt it the most who are the most messed up.

Try to just focus on yourself, your family, today, and what’s best for you and your sobriety.

By the way, I have a little bit of money. But I still prefer to bake cookies instead of give expensive gifts to others. I don’t care what they think

Mango212

Hi Chung,

One day at a time. Breath in. Breath out.

Prayer and meditation has helped me through many holiday seasons and they keep getting better every year. Hang in there!

Every step of my journey is now something I have a whole new view of. Be gentle and kind to yourself. You're doing great things here.

Gift ideas I did in the past when I didn't have much to give (emotionally, physically, financially) were internally inspired after praying about it many times. Dollar store Christmas mugs. Small, inexpensive photo frames with a family photo in it. Barnes & Noble great bargain items, after I sat in a reading chair and prayed -- and then sat on the floor and prayed. Good things happened then, with the direction of my thoughts and being okay with being human, imperfect, enough. I did my best to wrap them with a spirit of love and gratitude, between many rounds of cleansing tears. Now I'm able to look at these times with great self-love, kindness and amazement of all I was doing that I wasn't aware of!

Chung

Thank you all for your kind and helpful replies. It all resonates with me and for that I am truly grateful. I know I bring up the past in my posts and the only good thing in doing so is to learn from it, but now it is time to move on and live and appreciate the present, literally this day. When I intentionally live for this day only, it works wonders.

Sobriety has brought me many gifts and none of them has anything to do with materialistic things. The other day, my daughter and I were waiting for our breakfast order and she told me that I have the been the best mom since I stopped drinking. I told her, I am trying and immediately burst into tears. She looked at me said " Mom are you OK, are you going through menopause?" We both started cracking up!

dwtbd

"Sobriety has brought me many gifts and none of them has anything to do with materialistic things. The other day, my daughter and I were waiting for our breakfast order and she told me that I have the been the best mom since I stopped drinking. I told her, I am trying and immediately burst into tears. She looked at me said " Mom are you OK, are you going through menopause?" We both started cracking up! "

Don't ever let that little voice, that little liar of an AV, fool you into thinking that the above isn't what really matters. Hold on to the idea that it does, coz it does , Congratulations ! Rootin for ya !

Ellie May 1001

Some kids don't have fathers at all, or do (like me) but they can't be bothered. My father didn't pay one penny (or cent as you would say) towards me and my sister's upbringing since my parents divorced when I was 11.

I didn't see him again until about a year ago at my sister's funeral. I am now 42.

He wasn't an alcoholic or an addict, he just didn't care. So I'd say your kids are doing pretty well.

Being a good parent has nothing to do with what you provide materialistically. Sounds to me like you're a good dad. None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes, but you clearly love your kids and that is everything.

Stay sober and strong and make them proud of you.

EM xx