roseygurl

Have been an alcoholic for over 25 years. Daily drinker for 20 years of marriage. Got divorced, stopped daily drinking, moved to binge drinking. DUI x 2 in 2 weeks. 2 years later was raped under the influence. Now I am in a new relationship with the most "normal" nicest guy in the world, and of course he knows I have a drinking problem. Not because I told him that, because the couple of times we did drink when he wasn't in the room I chugged the bottle of vodka, he would wake up to me drunk, pissed the bed. I did this 4 times with him, we have been together for 7 months. The look on his face hurt a lot, him asking me if I think I have a problem hurt a lot. Whenever he wants a drink, which is few and far between he has to look at me and ask if Im going to be ok if he does, that hurts too. He has planned vacations, been to parties, hosted parties with his other girlfriends, which of course included alcohol, I cannot do any of these things with him because I am some kind of freak, and I wish he didn't know it, I wish I could have that kind of fun with him. I hate to see him worried that I am going to drink. That hurts, and it is embarrassing. The first anniversary of my rape is December 19th, I hear the clock with each tick of impending doom. I feel a panic in my heart, because I am not going to be able to drink away this pain, if I do I fear I will lose who I am with now, and I know I will lose myself. I feel like I am litteraly keeping my head above water, at least my nose and mouth, just barely breathing, knowing that the water at any moment will silence my last breath. I am just hanging on at this point. I am afraid to move. I don't want to talk about it with him, because I can't let him know how messed up I really am, he doesn't deserve that, but in the same breath I am dying inside, and don't know how long I can keep it together......

Rd2quit

I am so sorry to hear that you were raped. I cant even pretend to understand the unimaginable pain that was forced upon you.

Anna

I'm very sorry that you were raped. I wonder if you have considered talking to a therapist, especially now as the anniversary date is approaching? It might be helpful.

I think that being honest with your boyfriend is probably the best thing to do. Hiding things from those we love is something that us alcoholics do, and it's never a good idea. You may find that he will be supportive and understanding. And, if not, then maybe it's not meant to be.

roseygurl

Still treading the waters of my ever increasing abyss... Still abstaining from alcohol, Using the AVRT method. 12/19 is looming ahead, the date I feel I was raped. The reason I say feel, is because my memory is so spotty....I never liked going to get massages, they always made me feel tense and nervous. My BF at the time loved massages, and we would frequent a massage parlor about once a month. He got me a pedicure and a massage as a belated birthday present. I was not allowed to drink, because of my alcoholic drinking. So of course there was a liquor store at the plaza where I was getting my gift. As soon as my BF was out of sight I bought a pint of vodka. I drank 1/2 before my pedicure, I was feeling good. Went to the massage parlor, I was having the guy that has massaged me several times before, I thought he seemed nice, no flirting ever. I asked to use the BR before the massage. I drank the 2nd half of my vodka, I had decided this time I was going to enjoy the massage and be relaxed. I had been there many times over a 3 year period, I had nothing to be concerned about.

Im going to try to finish this later

Spider

My immediate response is very similar to Anna's.

On the fallout front, I can identify with the PTSD symptoms and despair. Honestly the empathy I feel solidifies my yearning for oblivion. I just know where it takes me; it's the only reason I have not picked up lately. I too evolved into a binge drinker that takes me to near fatal states close to every time.

I have benefited from therapy. It's a very safe place where I can bounce my incessant internal dialogues' with myself against another human being. I have been posting and reading here everyday as well. I can't say that this hasn't helped either.

Best to you, for real

Threshold

Huge hugs. And another round of huge hugs.

There's so much to deal with I hardly know where to begin, but I'll say this. You're not a freak. We're not freaks. We're people who can't drink safely.

I can't have dairy either, and my boyfriend and I used to love going for ice cream, it was one of our first "things" and we used to go frequently, then I developed an intolerance for dairy. I'm not a freak.

Is it the same as having a drinking problem? Yes and no. If I have dairy I get violently ill, and for awhile that didn't stop me. I kept trying to find ways to get around it, and none of them worked. I stopped all dairy and I don't get sick. Dairy was a major part of my diet and my main source of protein, so it's not insignificant.

It's stupid but yes, I even worried that he'd not want to be with me because he loves ice cream so much.

We have complicated histories with alcohol. Many of us have done or had done to us, horrible things while under the influence. Sadly that very thing, and the memories, and the anxiety and the guilt and shame often keep us from getting the help we need to stop, stay stopped and build a good life.

I'm so glad you came here with this and aren't going it alone. If you feel that this forum isn't enough support right now, please get some real time help, anything BUT booze or drugs, which NEVER help a situation.

You matter, your life matters, your well being matters. Protect it. We don't have to allow booze to steal any more of our lives from us. There's help available, free of cost if necessary. And the best thing we can do for those who care about us is to take care of us and never drink again.

It's hard to admit we have a problem, I understand, but it's a sadder thing to recognize that we have one but fail to address it. The healing can start now and continue. More huge hugs.

DayTrader

I know THAT feeling excruciatingly well. It hit me hard while I was still drinking then again somewhere around 8 months into not-drinking. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what was wrong - especially the second time. I hadn't had a dink in many months yet, there I was again, experiencing all the guilt, shame, self hatred, mistrust, anger, etc that was such a common part of my life prior to stopping drinking. Sure, it sort-of went away for a number of months but there was no question it had come back to roost. Dying inside - you bettcha.

Seemingly out of chance, someone I didn't expect at all said something to me that really made me mad. She asked how long I'd been in recovery. I told her 6 or 7 months - whatever it was at the time. She asked a couple more questions I don't recall anymore but then made a statement that I can still hear to this day 10+ years later. She said, "Ya know Mike, there's a WORLD of difference between 'not drinking' and being 'in recovery' and it sounds to me like you're not drinking......which is nice...but you're totally missing out on what's available to you."

Missing out? What did she know? ....I totally blew her off and forgot about it. A couple months later, all those old thoughts, fears, negative thoughts and emotions and so on started to reassert themselves and man, did it catch me off guard. Then it started to hit me.... do I want any sort of life where I have to constantly try and avoid alcohol, avoid everyone drinking, try and avoid every single temptation / every "trigger" lest I end up drunk. Nope, that didn't sound like a lifestyle I'd be willing to engage in.

Round about that time, I started hearing from ppl in recovery, albeit with a lot more time and experience than I had, that it was actually possible to recover from alcoholism. That if I played my cards right I wouldn't every have to hide from booze and those so called "triggers" would be exposed for the figments of my imagination that they had always been. Better still..... all, and yeah - I mean all, of those negative thoughts, the self hatred, the anger, EVERYTHING that was kicking my a$$ could be cleared away in one fell swoop. While I didn't believe it was true, because it sounded too good to be true, I eventually got so damn desperate that I became willing to try some things that up to that point I hadn't been willing to try.

I sit here now looking back at soooooooo many horrible instances from my past not with shame nor with regret......but with the knowledge that those things, while disagreeable, helped create that desperation and willingness that led me to pursue real recovery. In addition, those things I did and those things that happened to me have become immensely helpful when I'm working with others because, of course, many of those things are happening to other ppl as well and now I can use my experience in overcoming them to help other ppl do the same.

Roseygurl, you've got an amazingly wonderful future ahead of you - though it may not seem like it now. I'd even go so far to say that it's entirely likely that your BEST days are ahead of you. That said, it doesn't come for free. It's not one of those things you, or I, can just wait around for and expect something out of nothing. Rest assured though, what little effort it takes pales in comparison to the burden of carrying around the weight on your shoulders that it sounds like you're currently lugging around.

Spider

Hope you're well Rosie

Delilah1

Hi Rosey,

First, I'm so proud of you for getting sober, you should be very proud of yourself as well. I'm very sorry about what happened to you, and I can understand how the date is bringing back the memories. I have found that counseling helps. If you have insurance call and see if you can get in before the 19th, tell them it's urgent and you need to speak with someone. If you don't have insurance right now there are lots of women's organizations that have counselors available.

One thing I've had to work hard in sobriety is letting go of any guilt from the past, it isn't easy, but is so important. Your boyfriend loves you, and he's not judging your past actions.

Today try to call and get an apppointment to speak to a counselor, Google some breathing and mindfulness exercises, they really help. Check in throughout there will be someone here to listen, and offer support.

You may want to check out the 24 hour thread as well.

Sending lots of love and support your way.

❤️Delilah

roseygurl

Thank You so much for the responses. I sit here cringing this morning looking at what I wrote. Its so embarrassing, I really don't want to finish that story, the story I want to finish is how I managed to stay sober through all of this, and came out alive and at peace at the end, I really want that story to be my story, not that girl at the massage parlor, I don't want to identify with that part of my life anymore, it just hurts too much. The detective called me the other day, they have the comparative dna at the lab and will call me with the results, if it is a match I can move forward, but if not how can I handle that? the only thing I can think to do is move on from this situation, and let the universe play it out, I don't think I am crazy, I know it happened, I already look like a fool, I just didn't want to look like more of a fool if the results are not what I expect. I just cant hinge my life on this moment anymore. I felt like I was drowning in therapy, stuck on this horrible topic, so sick of playing it out in my head, I just want to forget the pain I felt the day after, the week after, and this ******* anniversary ****, I don't want it.

Spider

You do not look like a fool. You look like a ******* hero who is trying manage the unmanageable....inimitable to the core...the one who remains after a vulgar act and is fighting like hell to get better.

roseygurl

Much gratitude for every response here. Yes Spider I am fighting like hell, such a change from me just waiting to die, that is my usual go to response... I am clinging to this little patch of sun that is currently my life, I don't want to lose it...I can't afford to lose anything else..

sweetichick

I have been raped too and sexually assaulted as well. That was years ago and I have moved on. I still can't wear pyjamas, sleep in my bra and see the world as an unsafe place. I still blame myself. I wasn't intoxicated and have a clear memory. I honestly never kept track of dates. I went to the police but then feared for my life. The guy who assaulted me only got done by the police. Well done on being sober. You will have to put it behind you eventually though. Lots of hugs and love you.