GhostFace

This marks 26 days and 5 months since my mothers passing. I made her a promise that I will take control of my drinking. When she was alive she saw my alcohol problems and how it was affecting. My longest streak was 7 month until my grandmother passed and now my mother is gone. The depression has hit me hard and the only thing i look forward to is work as it distracts my mind and gets me away from thinking. I'm meditating daily, working out and going to school but I still feel down. Everyone is proud of me, but i feel empty inside. How when im doing so good for myself? Alcohol has made me forget for the moment, but the guilt, hangover, and anxiety kills me the following day. My relationship with women is also a turmoil. My last relationship was beautiful in the beginning until I found out I was being lied to and used. That person messed up my world and knew what i was going through and then left me for someone else. My family seems to use me at times also and i have no support, just myself.

I've done so much but life keeps putting me down. I'm blessed with what i have and where I'm going, but the emptiness is real. I isolate myself at a lot and I go into this dark space but is necessary. I have to study, quiet my mind and work on becoming a better version of myself. Being around other's hinders my progress, it's a lonely road. Most of my friends don't reach out anymore as I'm not drinking. It's a selfish world and I need to mentally prepare myself to overcome all the hardships I'm facing. At times I just want to sleep all day, but I wake up and in disgrace as I have work that needs to be done.

As i sit in my office typing this on this lonely Friday night, I'm going to force myself to study. I'm very hard on myself and I feel it's the only way I can progress. I have my license back after two DWIs but my car just broke down. I have to laugh as it seems like life just keeps kicking me down. I don't want to seem ungrateful as I practice gratitude every morning, but I do feel down when I'm home. I'm searching for someone who is no longer here and think about in a daily basis. I can't even get my ex out of my mind, but she's my ex for a reason. Too much ranting, I just need to accept life and have faith that I will be okay.

orderfororder

I think the gap you sense between what you are doing on paper and what you actually feel is due to the fact that you are in a transition state. You are working to become somebody else (an idealized version of yourself, and this is healthy since you are following through by taking steps toward your goals), but you can't just change internally from one month to the next, it is a process that takes time and cementing so there will be a bit of a disconnect from time to time.

The loss of family members, relationships, and certain friends is emphasized even more when you feel this emptiness. Perhaps there is also an element of loneliness. I'm not trying to psychoanalyze you, I can relate to a lot of it. All of these things have a similar component: change. Naturally, people dislike change in favor of what is familiar. But it is through the hard work of change that people form strong characters and reach their goals.

Teddy Roosevelt: “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

And, of course, the classic Nietzsche quote that everybody forgets is Nietzsche: “Out of life’s school of war: what does not kill me makes me stronger.”

We all have our lows. They always pass. Keep pushing through. A day will come where you look back and thank yourself.

Fearlessat50

Ah, Ghostface, I’m so sorry. I feel your pain. I have been there. I have gone to these dark places in my life and in my mind. I get lonely. I overthink things. I get down on life, regret the past, fear the future, have difficulty living in the moment. Sometimes the present moment is bad and I feel I have no escape. But I will sit with the feelings for a while. I remind myself that everything passes. I may go for a walk or run to get out of my head. Maybe a drive. Or maybe I will come here. And then the bad feelings do pass and I feel happy again. Then I feel bad again. And so on. I did have about a 6-7 year period when I didn’t care if I lived or died. I was never happy. My life circumstances were unbearable. But they still would have been terrible even if I hadn’t drank. But the drinking made it worse. I wish I had found my therapist sooner during that time. Therapy has helped me so much! Have you tried that?

I have fewer friends because I don’t drink anymore. I don’t do social media anymore either. But I have a few close friends and I am married with a son. That’s all that matters to me. I suppose if I didn’t have that, I’d find some way to connect with others. Maybe I’d go to a meeting, maybe church just to connect, maybe more yoga classes or more therapy. At least I would have this SR family here. I think it’s important not to isolate. I did that for several years. I felt there was no one I could trust and everyone was judging me. I just sank deeper into depression.

Our life circumstances always pass and our feelings do too. My Dad’s story inspires me and is a perfect example. He has lost two children to suicide, a few wives to cancer and lots of other bad stuff. He was never a drinker. He just always tried to do the best he could. . He’s had long periods of darkness. He always came out a better stronger person. He’s 85 now, happy in love again and still an evolving person.

Just know that you will not always feel this down. Keep moving forward and being proactive. And just don’t drink. It will make everything worse. I think it is good that you are focused on work and study at least as an alternative to alcohol. The meditation is also a good practice.

I hope you will keep close to SR. There is a lot of inspiration here.

MythOfSisyphus

Hang in there, GhostFace. Life will throw you some curveballs but they're easier to deal with sober. You might be going through a rough patch right now but keep your eyes on the prize. Hard times won't last, and things will get better a lot faster if you're sober. I can appreciate that you're lonely; I dealt with that when I first decided to get sober and really I still deal with it. But that means it can be dealt with.

Soberwolf

Dee74

Early recovery is an emotional rollercoaster GhostFace - it's that way for everyone.

26 days can feel like a lifetime but chronologically it's a little over 3 weeks. It took time for my bran chemistry to settle down again.

Of course you have valid reasons to feel down right now and I'm sorry for your losses....but most of us can assure the depression will lift.

This is not the way things will always be

Of course, if you have a history of depression that can be another matter entirely and I'd recommend working with your Dr or counsellor if that's the case, or you feel you're too depressed.

D

GhostFace

Thank you all, I feel much better this morning. I found that a solution to my problem is to maintain busy and doing things that make me feel uncomfortable, like studying, gym and getting out into the world by myself. It builds my confidence and makes me proactive. As for the people that have and are doing me wrong, i must learn to forgive and forget and get them out of my life. They no longer serve a purpose for me. Thank you all for caring and advice in these tough times.

SoberLeigh

I am so very sorry, GhostFace, for your pain.

The loss of a parent is such an enormous loss. Are there any support groups in your area that you could join?

Early sobriety is such an emotional time, too. Those emotions will stabilize in time.

I am so glad that you are leaning on us. We really care.

Lots of love your way, my friend.

Lorax1981

Yo ghost- I lost my mom about a year and a half ago. I still just kinda go damn and shake my head in disbelief, but it’s not like it was early on. I feel ya man, on a lot of fronts. I was single and pretty solo when I got sober and in a way it was good cuz I didn’t have that peer pressure but it was rough too. Just keep at it, you’re doing good, every day sober is a win even when it doesn’t feel like it. Much love partner, keep it up man!

GhostFace

Thank you all for the kind words. I wake up in disbelief and on the contrary of me doing so good, I feel bad at times. I know this is going to be a lonely road and I’m getting accustomed to being on my own and not letting others use me like before when I was under the influence. That support here is truly appreciated

PalmerSage

You're doing all the right things. As others have said, all you need is some time and faith that things will get better...and believe me, they will get SO MUCH better. Just focus on today, and to the extent possible, go easy on yourself: Rest when you can, eat what you want, show yourself kindness, as though you were caring for someone extremely beloved and vulnerable (you are). We're here for you.

SoberLeigh

The road is less lonely when you have people who understand what you are going through. Please lean on us.

D122y

Ghost,

I remind myself it is science as to why I feel down sometimes....feeling down equals crave for me.

I have become used to booze induced euphoria. My natural dopamine production usually is not enough to satisfy what I was used to for many many years.

I get good feelings, natural endorphins, through work outs (have to change it up routinely), being nice to people etc etc.

My feeling down doesn't go away easy either, it sort of slips away and disappears without me noticing.

I have a routine. Life is a routine. My routine no longer includes booze and all it's related time hogs.

Everything from buying the booze to recovering from the hangover, to checking my blood pressure elevation, to suffering through a cold without otc meds because I am worried about liver failure.

Stuff like that.

We here at SR are lucky to have found this place. We know the whole deal with booze and no longer have the addiction blinders on.

Being sober, in the present, is a gift. I will not give up this gift. It has been horribly earned through a walk through hell on earth. I am not going down that path again.

Thanks.

Dee74

Hows it going GhostFace?

D

SoberLeigh

Happy New Year, my friend! Hope all is well.

GhostFace

Thank you guys, sorry to say but i relapsed and had an awful hangover for over two days. I went back to old friends and gave myself a break. Im disgusted with my self. Today is day 3 and i wil redefine my plans; The guilt and anxiety i had the last few days is not worth it

least

Next time you feel like giving yourself a break, post here first. We can help you get thru it, but only if you're here.

SoberLeigh

Please promise to stay close to us, GhostFace. We want what is the very best for you.

As our wise least said, talk to us before you drink. We will never lead you astray.

Dee74

I'm sorry you drank again GF.

I used to think of drinking as giving myself a break too - now I see its probably the worst punishment I could inflict upon myself.

I really struggled to get away from the old life and those in it - that life and 'the old crew' defined me for many years.

I didn't want to change...I didn't even want to stop drinking for most of that time...I just wanted there to be no consequences for that decision to drink.

But in the end I knew change was inevitable.

I had to find a new definition for myself and my life - and the irony is I found the real me doing it
D

GhostFace

Thank you, I’m on day 4 and my anxiety is still bad but I’m managing. My legs feel weak to the point I’m going to fall. I don’t want to keep living like this. I even threw away all my cigarettes, i can’t keep poisonings my self. I’m looking forward to life and leaving out a lot of toxic relationships. I can’t do it any longer.