Sad but Common
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Windhoek
Posts: 8
Sad but Common
Let me start with I'm not good at writing, so please excuse my blurs. My head had left me a week ago and it's becoming ever harder to concentrate on anything. So I read... and find others writing for me.
My Fiance is a strong meth user, and the signs described are all to common; always sleeping, not hungry, disappears with my bank card and the car (which was written off), aggressive and abusive....
Some weeks it goes well, and others fly completely out of proportion.
This was one of those weeks. When we're among other people everything's fine, as soon as we come home, **** hit's the fan. He'll ask for something completely irrational and when I say no, he flies of the walls. He disappeared again, till 02h00 in the morning. When he comes home he's got demands. And another no later, I'm being sworn at, shouted at (the neighbors already called the police a few times about this) stuff get's thrown around the house....
Obviously this morning, I'm the one that's unfair, being a b#tch, making his life difficult because I didn't get up with a smile! I "look for trouble when i open my eyes". In this mood he's completely uncontrollable! The other day my monster in law came to visit, which causes fights between us after just two days every time. She always has to mix in! And this time she proclaimed it was my fault the car's crashed because I just go on and on and on, she would have done the same. I used to have patience for everything, and always be rational, today I don't want to go home. He keeps calling me saying he's sorry, this will never happen again. He already lost so much he can't loose me too.... If I go he will die (he tried before). Never really knew what feeling "numb" really means till today. Calm yet angry as hell, sad but careless, anxious but never-minded. Just writing helps I suppose, can't use a book, he'll find it. Can't go out alone, or I'm sleeping around. Can't talk to anyone except my mom, and that I don't want to do because she's the one taking care of my daughter and has enough on her plate. I haven't seem them in a year, and at this rate of "savings" I won't in the upcoming year either. I've felt so many different emotions in the last 72 hours alone, and now i feel nothing, is that supposed to be as scary as it seems, or is it just me?
Alone getting rid of some noise in my head already helped so much!
Thanks for this group!
My Fiance is a strong meth user, and the signs described are all to common; always sleeping, not hungry, disappears with my bank card and the car (which was written off), aggressive and abusive....
Some weeks it goes well, and others fly completely out of proportion.
This was one of those weeks. When we're among other people everything's fine, as soon as we come home, **** hit's the fan. He'll ask for something completely irrational and when I say no, he flies of the walls. He disappeared again, till 02h00 in the morning. When he comes home he's got demands. And another no later, I'm being sworn at, shouted at (the neighbors already called the police a few times about this) stuff get's thrown around the house....
Obviously this morning, I'm the one that's unfair, being a b#tch, making his life difficult because I didn't get up with a smile! I "look for trouble when i open my eyes". In this mood he's completely uncontrollable! The other day my monster in law came to visit, which causes fights between us after just two days every time. She always has to mix in! And this time she proclaimed it was my fault the car's crashed because I just go on and on and on, she would have done the same. I used to have patience for everything, and always be rational, today I don't want to go home. He keeps calling me saying he's sorry, this will never happen again. He already lost so much he can't loose me too.... If I go he will die (he tried before). Never really knew what feeling "numb" really means till today. Calm yet angry as hell, sad but careless, anxious but never-minded. Just writing helps I suppose, can't use a book, he'll find it. Can't go out alone, or I'm sleeping around. Can't talk to anyone except my mom, and that I don't want to do because she's the one taking care of my daughter and has enough on her plate. I haven't seem them in a year, and at this rate of "savings" I won't in the upcoming year either. I've felt so many different emotions in the last 72 hours alone, and now i feel nothing, is that supposed to be as scary as it seems, or is it just me?
Alone getting rid of some noise in my head already helped so much!
Thanks for this group!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
(((Pixels)))
Welcome. I have to ask how this relationship is contributing to your happiness in any way? Is there a reason you must stay in it? It sounds abusive. Is this what you want in your future?
Welcome. I have to ask how this relationship is contributing to your happiness in any way? Is there a reason you must stay in it? It sounds abusive. Is this what you want in your future?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Pixels...I am so glad you have found SR. This is a place of great support.
So you are not yet married. Please look at this situation and decide if this is what you want for yourself. You don't talk to your mom who takes care of your daughter. Wouldn't it be so much more worth it for you to move on from this and focus on those relationships?
Please know this is what addicts do. They run down everyone else in their lives so the focus is not on them and their terrible addict behaviors. It's run of the mill common. Please know you don't deserve that, you deserve so much more.
The thing is, there is help out there for addicts. That help is not you. You are not capable of that. Him threatening suicide is holding you hostage. I stayed in a terrible relationship for YEARS because I was so scared my x husband would commit suicide. He did not. However...after a lot of therapy I realized that if he would have, it would have been his decision. I cannot control that for him.
You did not cause this, you cannot cure this, and you cannot control this. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior...I hope you can see that you deserve so much more.
Keep reading, keep posting, you are not alone.
So you are not yet married. Please look at this situation and decide if this is what you want for yourself. You don't talk to your mom who takes care of your daughter. Wouldn't it be so much more worth it for you to move on from this and focus on those relationships?
Please know this is what addicts do. They run down everyone else in their lives so the focus is not on them and their terrible addict behaviors. It's run of the mill common. Please know you don't deserve that, you deserve so much more.
The thing is, there is help out there for addicts. That help is not you. You are not capable of that. Him threatening suicide is holding you hostage. I stayed in a terrible relationship for YEARS because I was so scared my x husband would commit suicide. He did not. However...after a lot of therapy I realized that if he would have, it would have been his decision. I cannot control that for him.
You did not cause this, you cannot cure this, and you cannot control this. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior...I hope you can see that you deserve so much more.
Keep reading, keep posting, you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
There’s a saying ………..addicts don’t have relationships they take hostages. I think when the pain of staying in this ill-fated relationship becomes greater than your fear of leaving, you’ll make the healthy decision for yourself.
Not sure why your mom is raising your daughter but if it’s because of this relationship then I would say you are working on trying to fix the wrong relationship. The one that needs your full attention is the one with your daughter.
Not sure why your mom is raising your daughter but if it’s because of this relationship then I would say you are working on trying to fix the wrong relationship. The one that needs your full attention is the one with your daughter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Windhoek
Posts: 8
Thanks everyone for the motivation! The situation is that I live 5 hours drive away from my Mom and Daughter. That was the best school we could find that I could afford and it's in the town my mom lives in. Windhoek schools don't have the patience this little one needs (Hyperactive day dreamer). The job I've got at the moment pays out the best offer I could get so far. Still not enough to pay rent. So he pays the rent, i buy the food (if he still pays that is)......
I am considering going on my own though, just need to figure out what I could do from Home to earn that kind of money :-( that's where my imagination cuts out...
This morning was one of those again. I find it hard to believe that someone could be so two faced and mean! So I've started hiding my handbag, that was rather funny, now we're out of cigarettes because he couldn't sneak my bob card back. I told him to buy some but he "doesn't have the card"... hahaha! Neither do I, so I called the bank to block it
I am considering going on my own though, just need to figure out what I could do from Home to earn that kind of money :-( that's where my imagination cuts out...
This morning was one of those again. I find it hard to believe that someone could be so two faced and mean! So I've started hiding my handbag, that was rather funny, now we're out of cigarettes because he couldn't sneak my bob card back. I told him to buy some but he "doesn't have the card"... hahaha! Neither do I, so I called the bank to block it
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Pixels, first let me welcome you and say that I am glad you found us and I hope you find some comfort and courage here.
At the top of the main page of this forum, is a "sticky" post called "For The Abused". Take a read and see if you find your situation outlined there. It sounds like abuse to me and it's often hard to escape from this kind of situation...but you can and you deserve so much better than this. Here is a link, take a read. Please take good care of yourself, you are in serious danger living with an abusive meth user.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...43-abused.html (For the Abused)
I hope this helps in some way. There are places that can help you should you choose to leave. Leaving is a very dangerous time so having someone with you, or police, when you go, is a good idea.
Keeping you in my prayers.
Hugs
At the top of the main page of this forum, is a "sticky" post called "For The Abused". Take a read and see if you find your situation outlined there. It sounds like abuse to me and it's often hard to escape from this kind of situation...but you can and you deserve so much better than this. Here is a link, take a read. Please take good care of yourself, you are in serious danger living with an abusive meth user.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...43-abused.html (For the Abused)
I hope this helps in some way. There are places that can help you should you choose to leave. Leaving is a very dangerous time so having someone with you, or police, when you go, is a good idea.
Keeping you in my prayers.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Windhoek
Posts: 8
Hello Ann, thank you for the sticky! What a read......
We had a really bad fallout yesterday morning, and the rest of the day had continued with silence, then sulking, sad and begging messages.... when I picked him up from work, the shouting immediately started up again. Demanding me to tell him whether or not we're over.
I don't know if this was the right choice, but i drove directly to a little restaurant where we usually go. As a known place I feel safe there. And also does he behave much better when in public. He becomes quiet, calm and sad instead of loud, demanding and verbally abusive.
So I went there thinking there we could talk, and for a time it worked. Until he started demanding answers from me again.
I thought this over a few times before; how he is embarrassing and abusive at home, loud enough for everyone around us to hear, but never in public. So i turned the spade around. I told him what I felt he had done wrong, what abuse I think he's showing me, how he's over running his boundaries and all the disrespect I get from him all the time. In public, not loud at all, but in a properly clear tone of voice.
Wow, what a different man!
He begged that I shouldn't leave, as I was about to, and promised that he'd get help.
At first I thought when we get home, it's back to normal, but it wasn't. He helped bring the shopping in, feed the puppies, bring dinner down. It was almost like nothing happened.
Again, thanks for the sticky. I almost changed my mind on whether or not to help him. This made me open my eyes..... again.....
I suppose I'll give him another chance, but i'll have to stay assertive.
This has been going on for just short of three years, this will be the last.
Thank you for the motivation and clarity!
Hugs :-)
We had a really bad fallout yesterday morning, and the rest of the day had continued with silence, then sulking, sad and begging messages.... when I picked him up from work, the shouting immediately started up again. Demanding me to tell him whether or not we're over.
I don't know if this was the right choice, but i drove directly to a little restaurant where we usually go. As a known place I feel safe there. And also does he behave much better when in public. He becomes quiet, calm and sad instead of loud, demanding and verbally abusive.
So I went there thinking there we could talk, and for a time it worked. Until he started demanding answers from me again.
I thought this over a few times before; how he is embarrassing and abusive at home, loud enough for everyone around us to hear, but never in public. So i turned the spade around. I told him what I felt he had done wrong, what abuse I think he's showing me, how he's over running his boundaries and all the disrespect I get from him all the time. In public, not loud at all, but in a properly clear tone of voice.
Wow, what a different man!
He begged that I shouldn't leave, as I was about to, and promised that he'd get help.
At first I thought when we get home, it's back to normal, but it wasn't. He helped bring the shopping in, feed the puppies, bring dinner down. It was almost like nothing happened.
Again, thanks for the sticky. I almost changed my mind on whether or not to help him. This made me open my eyes..... again.....
I suppose I'll give him another chance, but i'll have to stay assertive.
This has been going on for just short of three years, this will be the last.
Thank you for the motivation and clarity!
Hugs :-)
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Pixels, that sounds like a wise thing to do, to get somewhere safe before he loses control.
He may or may not have changed, but YOU have changed and that has made all the difference. You have taken back your power to decide what is and what is not acceptable in your life.
It is not a decision that came easy, but sometimes just making the decision to protect ourselves and set boundaries of what behaviour we will or will now allow is a big step.
I hope his actions follow his words to get help.
However this unfolds over time, you get to choose how you live. That's growth, that's recovery in action.
Hugs
He may or may not have changed, but YOU have changed and that has made all the difference. You have taken back your power to decide what is and what is not acceptable in your life.
It is not a decision that came easy, but sometimes just making the decision to protect ourselves and set boundaries of what behaviour we will or will now allow is a big step.
I hope his actions follow his words to get help.
However this unfolds over time, you get to choose how you live. That's growth, that's recovery in action.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Windhoek
Posts: 8
Thanks all. Hopeful4, you where right. I should have prepared for the worst!
yesterday evening he stole my last penny, my company car and took of. this morning no sign of remorse. I don't know what I would do without my colleagues and you guys. one of the managers came to me this morning and told me where the car was spotted, and he'd rather talk to me directly then go to management with this. I wouldn't even have transport if it weren't for him.
We broke up this morning, I've had enough! Now I'm broke with no where to go. I don't want to go home, I'm afraid I'll find him dead and I don't know what to do anymore. So sitting at work, trying to keep my head together and it's not working :-( !
yesterday evening he stole my last penny, my company car and took of. this morning no sign of remorse. I don't know what I would do without my colleagues and you guys. one of the managers came to me this morning and told me where the car was spotted, and he'd rather talk to me directly then go to management with this. I wouldn't even have transport if it weren't for him.
We broke up this morning, I've had enough! Now I'm broke with no where to go. I don't want to go home, I'm afraid I'll find him dead and I don't know what to do anymore. So sitting at work, trying to keep my head together and it's not working :-( !
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Pixel, you WILL be okay, I promise.
Can you arrange for someone to go with you and help you get your things? The police will, if you ask. Or ask family if you have family near you, do not be too proud, just let them help and you may be surprised how well it goes.
I don't know your living arrangements, but if you can make him leave, great, if not, find some place safe for yourself. Call a women's shelter and they will help you. You don't have to do this alone.
My heart and prayers go out for you.
Can you arrange for someone to go with you and help you get your things? The police will, if you ask. Or ask family if you have family near you, do not be too proud, just let them help and you may be surprised how well it goes.
I don't know your living arrangements, but if you can make him leave, great, if not, find some place safe for yourself. Call a women's shelter and they will help you. You don't have to do this alone.
My heart and prayers go out for you.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
So you are not yet married. Please look at this situation and decide if this is what you want for yourself. You don't talk to your mom who takes care of your daughter. Wouldn't it be so much more worth it for you to move on from this and focus on those relationships?
They run down everyone else in their lives so the focus is not on them and their terrible addict behaviors.
They run down everyone else in their lives so the focus is not on them and their terrible addict behaviors.
Your "boyfriend" sounds like my exAH. Sleeping. Not eating. Aggressive. Abusive. Mom blames other people for his choices... expects other people to look after her son. You have no obligations. He is a grown man. My exAH would also make me fear for his life. But he's still alive today. Your "boyfriend" makes his own decisions. Please turn the focus on your mother and child, they need you, not this guy. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Stick around -- your story is not uncommon.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Pixels....sending hugs and strength to you.
Question. What is your living situation?? Do you lease, own?? Who has a name on what?
Stand firm on this. He taking your company car I would think could get you in very big trouble. Please continue to look at the big picture and what is good for YOU. You deserve more.
Question. What is your living situation?? Do you lease, own?? Who has a name on what?
Stand firm on this. He taking your company car I would think could get you in very big trouble. Please continue to look at the big picture and what is good for YOU. You deserve more.
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