A long road
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 119
A long road
I made this account last February.i never posted. I had a few months sobriety. It’s been on and off. I just want it to be in for good. Why do I always go back?
My relationship with alcohol has always been a dangerous one. I started drinking in HS and I remember my Hs boyfriend demanded I stop because once it started, I had to drink it all. Drinking got me into a lot of bad situations - I was raped at a party my senior year and for many years after that out myself in similar situations. I’ve abused other substances as well but alcohol has always been #1, even though I know it is not a friend of mine.
the last couple weeks have been bad. I feel like everyone hates me and I have no motivation. I know that once I can hit that 2 week sobriety mark, I start to feel a ton better. Why do I keep starting again?
Today is day 1. Again.
thank you, I’m sorry if this is jumbled but I am not thinking 100% clearly and just wanted to get it out there.
My relationship with alcohol has always been a dangerous one. I started drinking in HS and I remember my Hs boyfriend demanded I stop because once it started, I had to drink it all. Drinking got me into a lot of bad situations - I was raped at a party my senior year and for many years after that out myself in similar situations. I’ve abused other substances as well but alcohol has always been #1, even though I know it is not a friend of mine.
the last couple weeks have been bad. I feel like everyone hates me and I have no motivation. I know that once I can hit that 2 week sobriety mark, I start to feel a ton better. Why do I keep starting again?
Today is day 1. Again.
thank you, I’m sorry if this is jumbled but I am not thinking 100% clearly and just wanted to get it out there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Hi.
I'm glad you decided to post.
I started drinking at fourteen and would drink alcoholicly for the next thirty years. I spent the last ten trying to quit. I have no idea why I kept going back, except that I was addicted. Mental and physically.
I understand where you're coming from.
That mental obsession. It's very hard to overcome. Even though I knew the consequences of my drinking, I kept doing it.
It really was a battle to finally stop.
I found a Higher Power and that finally saved me. Something greater than myself.
AA saved me. So does coming here.
It's been ten years sober for me now and I know I'm one drink away from a drunk. And I hit a very low bottom.
Please don't wait until you go through the hell I did.
Do whatever it takes. I channeled the time I spent procuring alcohol, imbibing it and recovering from it into getting sober.
It took action. Try AA. Come here. Whatever it takes. Our very lives might depend on it.
You can make this your last day one. And I hope you do.
Best to you.
I'm glad you decided to post.
I started drinking at fourteen and would drink alcoholicly for the next thirty years. I spent the last ten trying to quit. I have no idea why I kept going back, except that I was addicted. Mental and physically.
I understand where you're coming from.
That mental obsession. It's very hard to overcome. Even though I knew the consequences of my drinking, I kept doing it.
It really was a battle to finally stop.
I found a Higher Power and that finally saved me. Something greater than myself.
AA saved me. So does coming here.
It's been ten years sober for me now and I know I'm one drink away from a drunk. And I hit a very low bottom.
Please don't wait until you go through the hell I did.
Do whatever it takes. I channeled the time I spent procuring alcohol, imbibing it and recovering from it into getting sober.
It took action. Try AA. Come here. Whatever it takes. Our very lives might depend on it.
You can make this your last day one. And I hope you do.
Best to you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,518
Welcome, Hootowl - we're so glad you're here.
My story is very similar to Ghostlight's.
I had to drink it all too. Did it for decades. I guess I always relied on willpower, which never worked once. In the beginning, it was just a way to relax. In the end, I was completely dependent on it. It's good that you're taking a hard look at what it's doing to your life. You never have to feel alone - we all understand.
My story is very similar to Ghostlight's.
I had to drink it all too. Did it for decades. I guess I always relied on willpower, which never worked once. In the beginning, it was just a way to relax. In the end, I was completely dependent on it. It's good that you're taking a hard look at what it's doing to your life. You never have to feel alone - we all understand.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,152
I had a hard time accepting the concept of total abstinence. That may have been my biggest downfall. I was willing to accept long periods of sobriety, with an occasional binge, although admittedly, I could never do that, but that was what I hoped for.
I went to AA, and committed myself to abstinence, because I saw that as rule one of AA. It may not be rule one, but I perceived it as such. What I found was that total abstinence was not hard. It was just something I saw as an unachievable goal and unwilling to commit to. But it is achievable, and is wonderful. I found great pride in being sober all the time. Weddings or special occasions I can attend with confidence now. If everyone there was getting wiped out, I would leave, not out of fear, but because drunks aren't that fun to be around.
I never found a higher power, although I did try. For some, it might be rule one, but total abstinence turned out to be my rule one. A friend in AA often said he went to AA to get sober, not to find God. Although he believed in God all along, so finding God was not really an issue. I'm not sure but I think abstinence was his rule one too.
So if you ask me, committing to abstinence, no matter what excuse to drink presents itself, is something an alcoholic needs to embrace fully. All the other foo fah is nice, but recovery is about abstinence. The payoff is the feeling of confidence in self and happiness at a level not possible with alcohol. Others may want more, and that's fine too.
I went to AA, and committed myself to abstinence, because I saw that as rule one of AA. It may not be rule one, but I perceived it as such. What I found was that total abstinence was not hard. It was just something I saw as an unachievable goal and unwilling to commit to. But it is achievable, and is wonderful. I found great pride in being sober all the time. Weddings or special occasions I can attend with confidence now. If everyone there was getting wiped out, I would leave, not out of fear, but because drunks aren't that fun to be around.
I never found a higher power, although I did try. For some, it might be rule one, but total abstinence turned out to be my rule one. A friend in AA often said he went to AA to get sober, not to find God. Although he believed in God all along, so finding God was not really an issue. I'm not sure but I think abstinence was his rule one too.
So if you ask me, committing to abstinence, no matter what excuse to drink presents itself, is something an alcoholic needs to embrace fully. All the other foo fah is nice, but recovery is about abstinence. The payoff is the feeling of confidence in self and happiness at a level not possible with alcohol. Others may want more, and that's fine too.
Last edited by DriGuy; 12-05-2018 at 08:28 AM. Reason: left out a word
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Hootowlhoot 
I made this account last February.i never posted. I had a few months sobriety. It’s been on and off. I just want it to be in for good. Why do I always go back?
My relationship with alcohol has always been a dangerous one. I started drinking in HS and I remember my Hs boyfriend demanded I stop because once it started, I had to drink it all. Drinking got me into a lot of bad situations - I was raped at a party my senior year and for many years after that out myself in similar situations. I’ve abused other substances as well but alcohol has always been #1, even though I know it is not a friend of mine.
the last couple weeks have been bad. I feel like everyone hates me and I have no motivation. I know that once I can hit that 2 week sobriety mark, I start to feel a ton better. Why do I keep starting again?
Today is day 1. Again.
thank you, I’m sorry if this is jumbled but I am not thinking 100% clearly and just wanted to get it out there.
My relationship with alcohol has always been a dangerous one. I started drinking in HS and I remember my Hs boyfriend demanded I stop because once it started, I had to drink it all. Drinking got me into a lot of bad situations - I was raped at a party my senior year and for many years after that out myself in similar situations. I’ve abused other substances as well but alcohol has always been #1, even though I know it is not a friend of mine.
the last couple weeks have been bad. I feel like everyone hates me and I have no motivation. I know that once I can hit that 2 week sobriety mark, I start to feel a ton better. Why do I keep starting again?
Today is day 1. Again.
thank you, I’m sorry if this is jumbled but I am not thinking 100% clearly and just wanted to get it out there.
You don't have to even use that term if you don't like it, but for me I had to simply accept that there is something about me that will not allow me to drink alcohol without consequences. And whatever it is about me that makes that happen can never be changed. In other words, If I choose to drink I also have to choose all the bad stuff that automatically comes with it and accept that those bad things are all of my own doing.
Having said that, i don't view the fact that I cannot drink as a negative - it's literally opened up my life to a vast array of options I never knew existed. It was not easy at first, but nothing in life worth having usually is, right?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,453
welcome to SR!
I have been there. I had so many day 1's and finally I knew I had to keep moving forward and I was done with the cycle. It wasn't easy but I kept moving forward a lot of it was thanks to this site....reading on here and learning everything I could and posting.
I have been there. I had so many day 1's and finally I knew I had to keep moving forward and I was done with the cycle. It wasn't easy but I kept moving forward a lot of it was thanks to this site....reading on here and learning everything I could and posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 119
Originally Posted by DriGuy
I had a hard time accepting the concept of total abstinence. That may have been my biggest downfall. I was willing to accept long periods of sobriety, with an occasional binge, although admittedly, I could never do that, but that was what I hoped for.
I went to AA, and committed myself to abstinence, because I saw that as rule one of AA. It may not be rule one, but I perceived it as such. What I found was that total abstinence was not hard. It was just something I saw as an unachievable goal and unwilling to commit to. But it is achievable, and is wonderful. I found great pride in being sober all the time. Weddings or special occasions I can attend with confidence now. If everyone there was getting wiped out, I would leave, not out of fear, but because drunks aren't that fun to be around.
I never found a higher power, although I did try. For some, it might be rule one, but total abstinence turned out to be my rule one. A friend in AA often said he went to AA to get sober, not to find God. Although he believed in God all along, so finding God was not really an issue. I'm not sure but I think abstinence was his rule one too.
So if you ask me, committing to abstinence, no matter what excuse to drink presents itself, is something an alcoholic needs to embrace fully. All the other foo fah is nice, but recovery is about abstinence. The payoff is the feeling of confidence in self and happiness at a level not possible with alcohol. Others may want more, and that's fine too.
I went to AA, and committed myself to abstinence, because I saw that as rule one of AA. It may not be rule one, but I perceived it as such. What I found was that total abstinence was not hard. It was just something I saw as an unachievable goal and unwilling to commit to. But it is achievable, and is wonderful. I found great pride in being sober all the time. Weddings or special occasions I can attend with confidence now. If everyone there was getting wiped out, I would leave, not out of fear, but because drunks aren't that fun to be around.
I never found a higher power, although I did try. For some, it might be rule one, but total abstinence turned out to be my rule one. A friend in AA often said he went to AA to get sober, not to find God. Although he believed in God all along, so finding God was not really an issue. I'm not sure but I think abstinence was his rule one too.
So if you ask me, committing to abstinence, no matter what excuse to drink presents itself, is something an alcoholic needs to embrace fully. All the other foo fah is nice, but recovery is about abstinence. The payoff is the feeling of confidence in self and happiness at a level not possible with alcohol. Others may want more, and that's fine too.
Thank you for your insightful response and support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 119
Originally Posted by Midwest1981
welcome to SR!
I have been there. I had so many day 1's and finally I knew I had to keep moving forward and I was done with the cycle. It wasn't easy but I kept moving forward a lot of it was thanks to this site....reading on here and learning everything I could and posting.
I have been there. I had so many day 1's and finally I knew I had to keep moving forward and I was done with the cycle. It wasn't easy but I kept moving forward a lot of it was thanks to this site....reading on here and learning everything I could and posting.
who do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 119
Originally Posted by Hevyn
Welcome, Hootowl - we're so glad you're here.
My story is very similar to Ghostlight's.
I had to drink it all too. Did it for decades. I guess I always relied on willpower, which never worked once. In the beginning, it was just a way to relax. In the end, I was completely dependent on it. It's good that you're taking a hard look at what it's doing to your life. You never have to feel alone - we all understand.
My story is very similar to Ghostlight's.
I had to drink it all too. Did it for decades. I guess I always relied on willpower, which never worked once. In the beginning, it was just a way to relax. In the end, I was completely dependent on it. It's good that you're taking a hard look at what it's doing to your life. You never have to feel alone - we all understand.
thank you. Thank you to everyone’s responses. It has brought tears to my eyes. I know I have to take it one day at a time.
I think a lot of it has to do with the issues with my partner. He doesn’t want me drinking but I’ll go a long while without drinking and it doesn’t solve all of our problems. I think then I figure why not just drink the .
i look forward to coming here for solidarity and support.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Yes, we do understand and I surely remember feeling like everybody hated me.
My suggestion would be to stay strong in your belief that you are an alcoholic and can't drink. It doesn't matter whether your partner gets it or not. You know, and you know what to do. If you don't want to use AA, and many of us do not, there are other roads to recovery. Motivation is what counts.
My suggestion would be to stay strong in your belief that you are an alcoholic and can't drink. It doesn't matter whether your partner gets it or not. You know, and you know what to do. If you don't want to use AA, and many of us do not, there are other roads to recovery. Motivation is what counts.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
