Another 2 year update - this is getting ridiculous
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
Another 2 year update - this is getting ridiculous
I have posted only a few times on and off but here is the basics.
I have been married to an alcoholic for 14 long years. He’s been an alcoholic for 12 of them. I thought I could hang on until my kids were 18 but now I see I can’t. I filed for divorce 5 days ago. He relapsed 6 months ago and has been unable to maintain a prolonged sobriety. My twins, who are 12, are now old enough to see what is happening and are aware of their dad's problem. I've given him a few chances in the last 6 months (mainly because my sons requested that I give him a chance), but each time he's relapse after less than a month of sobriety. This time he lasted a week and I just felt I was done. I had previously filed for divorce in 2014, but I never went through with it and the court eventually closed the case. Right now I can really feel the relief of getting off of the crazy train. I keep thinking it will only be 6 more months of this. His behavior is truly harming my sons who seem to be worried about him a lot. I feel guilty, like I am abandoning him, and my son even told me AH probably wouldn't get better without me. The guilt is killing me. Yesterday I saw a homeless man at a fast food place and my heart broke, because I could see my husband becoming this man. Previously it was my love that made me stay, but now it's my guilt.
I have been married to an alcoholic for 14 long years. He’s been an alcoholic for 12 of them. I thought I could hang on until my kids were 18 but now I see I can’t. I filed for divorce 5 days ago. He relapsed 6 months ago and has been unable to maintain a prolonged sobriety. My twins, who are 12, are now old enough to see what is happening and are aware of their dad's problem. I've given him a few chances in the last 6 months (mainly because my sons requested that I give him a chance), but each time he's relapse after less than a month of sobriety. This time he lasted a week and I just felt I was done. I had previously filed for divorce in 2014, but I never went through with it and the court eventually closed the case. Right now I can really feel the relief of getting off of the crazy train. I keep thinking it will only be 6 more months of this. His behavior is truly harming my sons who seem to be worried about him a lot. I feel guilty, like I am abandoning him, and my son even told me AH probably wouldn't get better without me. The guilt is killing me. Yesterday I saw a homeless man at a fast food place and my heart broke, because I could see my husband becoming this man. Previously it was my love that made me stay, but now it's my guilt.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
At 12, your children can see a little bit of the picture, but not the WHOLE picture. You have to do what you think is right for them. I also understand the guilt, but does he feel guilty about what he's putting you and your children through?? I am thinking he is probably so deep in his addiction he's only thinking about the next drink. I am so sorry. ((((hugs)))) This is a great place for support - - we're here any time you need to talk it out.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
I feel guilty, like I am abandoning him, and my son even told me AH probably wouldn't get better without me.
It is not your fault if he drinks himself homeless. He is an adult and knows what to do to get better. If he chooses not to do that, then it is certainly not your fault, and you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Hi sotired, what a terrible situation to be in.
My opinion? You are doing the right thing for yourself and your children.
At 12 years old they have known for years that Dad has a problem. It would probably be a good idea to seek out some counselling for them if you haven't done that already? The fact that your Son is expressing that you have the responsibility to somehow take care of your Husband and "fix this" does not bode well for your relationship with him going forward.
Your Husband is a grown man, not one of your children and he gets to make decisions for his own life. When those decisions are affecting you and your children in an incredibly negative way, it's time for you to take action, which you are and that's great.
I'm sorry this is happening but you are on the right path in my opinion.
My opinion? You are doing the right thing for yourself and your children.
At 12 years old they have known for years that Dad has a problem. It would probably be a good idea to seek out some counselling for them if you haven't done that already? The fact that your Son is expressing that you have the responsibility to somehow take care of your Husband and "fix this" does not bode well for your relationship with him going forward.
Your Husband is a grown man, not one of your children and he gets to make decisions for his own life. When those decisions are affecting you and your children in an incredibly negative way, it's time for you to take action, which you are and that's great.
I'm sorry this is happening but you are on the right path in my opinion.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
I see you have been a member here since 2012, but only have six posts. Maybe you should stick around and post more and do some reading on this site. There is so much support and information available here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
Yes, I do a lot of reading, but not a lot of posting. I think I only post when things get really bad and desperate. I went back and re-read some of my old posts and it made me cringe and sad that I'm still going through this years later. I guess I've only reached out for help when I really needed it. He's had times of sobriety (up to 2 years at a time) but the disease always seems to come raging back into my life. Sigh..this disease will never go away. It can only improve, but it will never be gone. I probably should post more but...it's hard to be vulnerable sometimes.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
I totally understand that sotired, it is hard and I commend you for posting.
Perhaps now is the time to move forward though. You know where the path you have been on leads and it's not working for you or your children?
As for the guilt, I understand that too. As Suki said and I think this is SO important, you have been there for years, through all the drinking and is he sober now? No. Has he quit drinking? No. You didn't Cause it can't Control it and can't Cure it.
Does he have a job?
Perhaps now is the time to move forward though. You know where the path you have been on leads and it's not working for you or your children?
As for the guilt, I understand that too. As Suki said and I think this is SO important, you have been there for years, through all the drinking and is he sober now? No. Has he quit drinking? No. You didn't Cause it can't Control it and can't Cure it.
Does he have a job?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
Yes, he has a very good job. Thank God he hasn't lost it yet. I'm always worried that he'll end up losing it. Somehow he has been able to hang on to. At least he's not a mean drunk or violent. He gets very depressed and hopeless. It's sad and I think I've held on this long because of my empathy for him. I just feel so bad for him. This disease has such a grip on him. He just hasn't been able to get control of it. He was going to AA, going to Smart Recovery, he's been going to counseling and taking medication (naltrexone, antabuse, antidepressants) and even with all of this, he relapsed. He's a great husband and dad when he's sober. He just hasn't been able to maintain sobriety the last 6 months.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
I can understand your worrying, it's not that you don't care about him, so that makes complete sense.
Who is taking care of you and your children though? That is the best place to put your focus right now. Do you not deserve a happy and peaceful life? Do you children not? Of course you do!
The truth is, you have probably worried for years and it hasn't come to be. He's not homeless, he hasn't lost his job. Once the "safety net" of having you there is gone, he might even seek recovery! It's impossible to say.
What you do absolutely know is that nothing is changing here.
You might find this thread helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-clearer.html (Can it be any clearer?)
Who is taking care of you and your children though? That is the best place to put your focus right now. Do you not deserve a happy and peaceful life? Do you children not? Of course you do!
The truth is, you have probably worried for years and it hasn't come to be. He's not homeless, he hasn't lost his job. Once the "safety net" of having you there is gone, he might even seek recovery! It's impossible to say.
What you do absolutely know is that nothing is changing here.
You might find this thread helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-clearer.html (Can it be any clearer?)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by trailmix 
You might find this thread helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-clearer.html (Can it be any clearer?)
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry you and your children are going through this. The thing is, he is not getting better with you either. This set up would keep you as a caretaker for a chronic addict, not something you signed up for. He can get help, it's his choice. It's imperative that both you and your children keep that in mind, but his sobriety is up to him. No one can do it for him.
Huge, huge hugs.
Huge, huge hugs.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sotired77…….I encourage you to get your twins into alateen….and, some form or professional counseling....you may not be able to help your husband, at this point, but, you can still help your children. It seems that they, already, have a distorted idea of who is responsible for your husband (they think it is you)….
so tired---it seems logical that they may think that---because you, also, feel that he is your responsibility---which is why you say that you feel so guilty...kids absorb everything in their environment...everything...
They are at a very critical time of their development, right now...right on the cusp of the teen years....
I say this with a large amount of compassion---if you think of life as hard now--you will find out how much harder it can be...with teen boys in a house with the alcoholic dynamics going on, in the home.....
And...the effects of what is going on, right now, in their development can last for the rest of their lifetime...even after both of their parents are gone....
I think that, sometimes...we label the feeing of helplessness and compassion that we feel....as "guilt"....
Please try to get past letting "guilt"...even misdirected compassion...control your actions and decisions....it will do you and your children no good...nor, will it help your husband, either....
Working your own program of healing will help you to get out of the FOG....
F--fear. O--obligation...G--guilt.....
Remember what some others have, also, pointed out---your staying has not caused h im to stay in sobriety.....so, there is no reason to think that continuing to stay is going to make a positive difference...
In fact, your staying, may allow him to drink with more comfort...and less actual consequences.....
sotired….I hop that my thoughts are of some help to you....just take what may help and leave the rest....
so tired---it seems logical that they may think that---because you, also, feel that he is your responsibility---which is why you say that you feel so guilty...kids absorb everything in their environment...everything...
They are at a very critical time of their development, right now...right on the cusp of the teen years....
I say this with a large amount of compassion---if you think of life as hard now--you will find out how much harder it can be...with teen boys in a house with the alcoholic dynamics going on, in the home.....
And...the effects of what is going on, right now, in their development can last for the rest of their lifetime...even after both of their parents are gone....
I think that, sometimes...we label the feeing of helplessness and compassion that we feel....as "guilt"....
Please try to get past letting "guilt"...even misdirected compassion...control your actions and decisions....it will do you and your children no good...nor, will it help your husband, either....
Working your own program of healing will help you to get out of the FOG....
F--fear. O--obligation...G--guilt.....
Remember what some others have, also, pointed out---your staying has not caused h im to stay in sobriety.....so, there is no reason to think that continuing to stay is going to make a positive difference...
In fact, your staying, may allow him to drink with more comfort...and less actual consequences.....
sotired….I hop that my thoughts are of some help to you....just take what may help and leave the rest....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
Thank you FallenAngelina, that was a very good thread/post. In the post he states:
I had to face reality, at the point where I knew I had to deal with life and every thing it threw at me alone, I knew I had 2 choices to make:
1. Keep on drinking and lose everything and simply drink my self to death.
2. Stop drinking and learn how to face reality.
I guess my biggest fear is that he will choose "drink my self to death". I think that is the fear that many of us have. But reading the rest of the post, I realize that it's not really a choice I can control. He will make that choice whether I am around or not.
My poor boys haven't had the "education" that I have had since this is kind of new to them (they confirmed that they had no clue that their dad was an alcoholic until now). Taking them to alateen is a good idea . I'm also going to try to pass on everything I've learned to help them cope.
Thank you all for your encouragement!!!!
I had to face reality, at the point where I knew I had to deal with life and every thing it threw at me alone, I knew I had 2 choices to make:
1. Keep on drinking and lose everything and simply drink my self to death.
2. Stop drinking and learn how to face reality.
I guess my biggest fear is that he will choose "drink my self to death". I think that is the fear that many of us have. But reading the rest of the post, I realize that it's not really a choice I can control. He will make that choice whether I am around or not.
My poor boys haven't had the "education" that I have had since this is kind of new to them (they confirmed that they had no clue that their dad was an alcoholic until now). Taking them to alateen is a good idea . I'm also going to try to pass on everything I've learned to help them cope.
Thank you all for your encouragement!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Originally Posted by sotired77
I guess my biggest fear is that he will choose "drink my self to death". I think that is the fear that many of us have. But reading the rest of the post, I realize that it's not really a choice I can control. He will make that choice whether I am around or not.
Hang in there!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sotired…...I will suggest this....just because someone doesn't think of their family member as an "alcoholic", doesn't means that they are not aware of the alcoholic's behavior. Often, they just don't connect the word to their loved one.
We see people doing this, frequently, on this forum...people of every age....
It is not uncommon to see a family, for example--where everyone drinks like fishes, all of the time...yet, they would never use the word "alcoholic"...…
lol....You can do an experiment---Go into a bar, where there are lots of people who spend most of their life and m ost of their money....and ask them who is an alcoholic---and you will not get a very good reception....!
I think that a lot of people have the idea that an "alcoholic" is a person who lives under a bridge, and carries a wine bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag....
They believe that a person who works every day...or wears a suit...or, is intelligent, or who comes from a "good family", or has attended church, or is talented...or, has never been arrested or been in a bar fight.....can not be an alcoholic.....
lol...it is like--it takes a special event to Christen a person with being an "alcoholic".....These special events can be....attendance at an AA meeting....or losing a job....or, wandering, naked, in the town square, while carrying a bottle of wine.....
It may be, that, by age 12..your boys may have been exposed to social media and tv and movies...where the "alcoholic" person is represented by the stereotypes that I just suggested....so..if they have never seen their father stumbling drunk or smashing holes in the walls--they may be very surprised to hear the word "alcoholic" as applied to him...…
I so agree with you---that they deserve to be educated as to what the disease of alcoholism really is...and, that it can happen to anyone....
One thing that I think might be of help, to you...is to get and read the literature of Adult Children of Alcoholics..from amazon.com. (I have seen it listed for sale, there)…..It will make you aware of what the effects can be...for the children....
Knowledge is power....
We see people doing this, frequently, on this forum...people of every age....
It is not uncommon to see a family, for example--where everyone drinks like fishes, all of the time...yet, they would never use the word "alcoholic"...…
lol....You can do an experiment---Go into a bar, where there are lots of people who spend most of their life and m ost of their money....and ask them who is an alcoholic---and you will not get a very good reception....!
I think that a lot of people have the idea that an "alcoholic" is a person who lives under a bridge, and carries a wine bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag....
They believe that a person who works every day...or wears a suit...or, is intelligent, or who comes from a "good family", or has attended church, or is talented...or, has never been arrested or been in a bar fight.....can not be an alcoholic.....
lol...it is like--it takes a special event to Christen a person with being an "alcoholic".....These special events can be....attendance at an AA meeting....or losing a job....or, wandering, naked, in the town square, while carrying a bottle of wine.....
It may be, that, by age 12..your boys may have been exposed to social media and tv and movies...where the "alcoholic" person is represented by the stereotypes that I just suggested....so..if they have never seen their father stumbling drunk or smashing holes in the walls--they may be very surprised to hear the word "alcoholic" as applied to him...…
I so agree with you---that they deserve to be educated as to what the disease of alcoholism really is...and, that it can happen to anyone....
One thing that I think might be of help, to you...is to get and read the literature of Adult Children of Alcoholics..from amazon.com. (I have seen it listed for sale, there)…..It will make you aware of what the effects can be...for the children....
Knowledge is power....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
My therapist told me an analogy that living with an active alcoholic
is like two people clutching each other while freefalling from
an airplane. If one can break free, they can pull their cord to open
their chute and stop the fall, and the other might as well.
If stuck together, neither will be able to stop the descent.
Living with active alcoholism is living with active insanity. As if
it were some other life threatening disease like cancer, BUT
it's a big secret, you have no one to share your fears and sadness
with, and your loved one refuses treatment, or even to believe
they are sick with a life threatening illness. It's insanity.
Please get yourself to alanon if you aren't already and get your
kids to alateen and counseling. You can love your husband
from afar, but don't kid yourself anymore, this disease will
will change everyone it touches for the worst unless real,
lasting change happens.
is like two people clutching each other while freefalling from
an airplane. If one can break free, they can pull their cord to open
their chute and stop the fall, and the other might as well.
If stuck together, neither will be able to stop the descent.
Living with active alcoholism is living with active insanity. As if
it were some other life threatening disease like cancer, BUT
it's a big secret, you have no one to share your fears and sadness
with, and your loved one refuses treatment, or even to believe
they are sick with a life threatening illness. It's insanity.
Please get yourself to alanon if you aren't already and get your
kids to alateen and counseling. You can love your husband
from afar, but don't kid yourself anymore, this disease will
will change everyone it touches for the worst unless real,
lasting change happens.
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