sedasa

Hi All,

My alcoholic ex Boyfried's dead body was found on the street a week after I broke up with him since I was totally consumed as a result of his uncontrollable drinking, broken promises and supporting him financially (and going flat broke) for a year. I knew him since 2010 and we were friends before starting our relationship in October 2017 but I had no idea how a life with an alcohol addict would be. My last message to him is "you are dead to me" and I can't believe he literally ended up dying - i feel very guilty.
I am in Australia and he had been in the US for 6 months when he died. During that 6 months he got kicked out of countless airbnb homes due to drinking and smoking, was taken to the ER at least 5 times due to alcohol intoxication and discharged himself every time. He promised me going sober and asked for another chance whenever I wanted to break up with him because of his drinking. But he couldn't even get close to get sober. I think before he died he was drinking about 2-3 bottles of wine a day.
Although I know that he would turn my life into hell if he lived and we stayed together, my heart hurts so much.

D122y

Sed,

I see this is your first post so I will avoid a virtual hug.

Virtual hand shake and and a sincere sorry for your loss.

You sound well aware of things, the internet is amazing.

Vent it out ma'am.

Thanks.

DriGuy

I'm sorry. Some alcoholics seem like they can never make it. I can speculate, but in all honesty, I'm not sure why. My first 3 years in AA, five members of our group killed themselves. It was shocking. They would be at a meeting one night and say the right things, and you would think things were fine. The next day, a member of the group would call and tell you that so and so killed themselves last night. Alcoholism is a nasty business, and others have little control over the behavior of alcoholics.

FallenAngelina

Would be worth exploring why you feel so guilty. I lived through a fiancé's suicide, so I'm intimately familiar with this situation and how guilt can be a go-to emotion. But guilt is not a given, it's a choice based on our beliefs, most of which are flawed premises when it comes to (direct or indirect) suicide. Our beliefs can change when we explore them and our feelings follow along. Guilt is not an emotion that you must live with, even though guilt is common in this situation. Explore more about why you feel so responsible for his death and what your erroneous beliefs are here.

Sorrow and grief are "clean" emotions that will carry you through this and bring you further along your life's path. Guilt will eat away at your soul. Why the guilt?

sedasa

i feel like he was holding on because of me - the only person left in his life- and when I made it very clear that I wanted him out of my life he just let himself go.

He was rejecting getting help and although he was telling me that he was tappering off he would always sound drunk. So my logic tells me that this was going to happen at some point anyway but when I think that he was missing for 5 days before being found dead on the street, not knowing what went on during that time and why he didn't ask for help are making me feel guilty.

lostinjersey1

I'm so sorry. I keep waiting for the phone call to come in that they found my ex dead in his cold house....I know about saying nasty things. The last message to him was "drink yourself to death" it's because I'm hurt. Five relapses, broken promises. We are hurt; HE knew you didn't mean it. I want nothing more than the best for my ex. I still love him.

I feel some alcholics just can't peace, maybe now he has that peace.

seeing hugs.

SparkleKitty

I'm sorry you're feeling guilty. I think your instinct is right that this was his trajectory regardless of whether you'd stayed with him or not. We simply aren't powerful enough to save someone else from themselves.

Sending hugs and support.

FallenAngelina

Just clarifying:

These circumstances don't make you feel guilty. The circumstances are what they are. Your beliefs (thoughts and conclusions) around these circumstances are leading you to the guilt. The circumstances cannot change. Your beliefs and the conclusions that you're presently drawing from them can very much change. Therefor, your feeling of guilt can change to a different feeling.

Just laying this out so that you can see that guilt is not "natural" or imposed on you, it is a choice based on the perspective (thoughts, beliefs) that you're choosing. After a (direct or indirect) suicide, many people choose beliefs that do not serve us or our loved one. Guilt is the result, not of the circumstances of death, but of the beliefs we are holding about these circumstances. We cannot change the circumstances, but we can change our beliefs. When we come to believe differently, our feelings change, too.

Clover71

biminiblue

I'm sorry sedasa. May he rest in peace.

Eauchiche

Dear Sedasa
You got that call that many, if not all, of us dread.
I wonder if you are not confusing guilt with shame? Shame is a common problem to us family members and friends.

I believe guilt would be justified if you continued to aid him in his drinking. This is not the case. You drew a line in the sand for him, which was the healthiest thing you could do for you OR him.

We see posts sometimes from people who are fighting against a family system where they insist that the addict keep using/drinking.

It will take some time, but I hope you can evolve to a place of peace where you are both guilt and shame free.

OpheliaKatz

Sedasa,

I am sorry for what you are going through. Please don't feel like anything was your fault. He didn't die because of anything you did or did not do. He died because he was unable to seek recovery. To intimately know a person with an addiction is to know relationship pain like nothing else on earth... except for maybe being a willing witness to suicide. I'm sorry for your loss.

clarity888

Welcome Sedasa, so glad you found this place. I

Leelee168

Sed, this was not your fault and you should have no guilt. If he didn’t want help, it was going to happen. Grieve as you need to, but accept no guilt.

Wish you all the best.

Maudcat

Very sorry for your loss.
Grieve, be sad, try not to feel guilty.
Addicts don’t “hold on” for one person, though they may say that they do.
They don’t.
They hold on to the next drink, the next binge, the next hit.
Again, very sorry.
Hugs to you.

sedasa

I also started to think as a codependent, maybe I was too late to draw that line on the sand. I waited too long and when I finally did it he was completely taken by the addiction.

sedasa

I really appreciate your inputs - making so much sense. I think it will take time for me to get my head around all this - I am looking for professional help at the moment.
I basically watched someone killing himself slowly but surely and my codependency probably contributed to it as well.
I am so torn between 2 thoughts:
One tells me that by the time I finally left him he was completely taken over by his addiction. I feel like I kicked his ass off when he was at his worst.
The other tells me that I did my absolute best to help him save himself and I was totally consumed emotionally, mentally and financially by someone else's problem that must have been taken care of by him, not me.
They cremated him last week and he literally disappeared. He doesn't even have a tombstone while I am still suffering as a result of his self-destruction - and yes, I am also angry.

Surfbee

So sorry for your pain Sedasa. Please learn to remove this guilt by reminding yourself that you were completely powerless over an alcoholic. What happened was down to him.

If I were in your shoes, I know I could overthink and potentially feel guilty too for a time, but as I'm not in your shoes I can see clearly that this would be very flawed thinking. I'd miss him and grieve him, but the guilt would not be fair on me.

Looking deeper into your heart you will see that you deserve to feel peace, and that you need to forgive yourself for being so hard on yourself and let this unnecessary guilt go. You will get through this x

Mango212

Hi sedasa,

My first son died when he was an infant. I thought I had grieved all I needed to until a few years ago. God/Higher Power/Great Spirit guided me to a grieving workshop. I didn't even know there were things like that! All cultures have grieving rituals for a reason. As we let go of the pain, good things happen. New realizations, connections to life, our loved one and the spirit that lives on beyond the physical body.

May your loved one be at peace now. It's okay for you to be, also. (((hugs)))

Mango

Maudcat

No, no, and no.
You didn’t cause it, you couldn’t control it, and you couldn’t cure it.
We are not that powerful.
Wish we were, but no, we aren't.
Sometimes we just have to let go or be dragged.