Jillian2563

Three days ago, I had a pretty bad binge, to the point that I went to bed hating myself. And woke up hating myself even more. I felt awful Wedensday but managed to puch thru, keeping my Dr. appt, and taking the little on to and from school. Yesterday didn't seem horrible, but I am still experiencing side pain and am an emotional rollercoaster. This morning, I just did not want to get out of bed. I feel really off, lethargic, depressed, mentally unstable, general ill feeling, dark circle around my eyes, and my side still hurts. I know where this is going to take my anxiety, so I know I have to snap out of it. I know that how I feel has a lot to do with my state of mind, and how I perceive things. It doesn't help that it looks like it's going to be a typical gray winter day. I must get through this. I plan on journaling this morning while finishing my coffee, read some more of The Happier Hour, take my time to get ready (instead of walking around the house in circles trying to do all the things my mind tells me needs to be done), focus on my nutrition, and try to get into the holiday spirit. I have Christmas cards to send out and hopefully that cheers me up, but when I look at them I can't but help feel like the picture of my happy family is a lie. I won't elaborate because I'm sure most of you know what I mean. Instead of perceiving it that way, I will look at the picture and think how I want my life to be like that. My husband seems to be in the Christmas spirit, he brought up the idea to go shopping last night and dinner; oh that reminds me, I have some gifts to wrap too. He just texted me telling me to think about where I want to take the kids to see Christmas lights tonight. So maybe today won't be so bad. If only I change the way I think, catch myself when I start to say hurtful things to myself, and keep the anxiety at bay.

I know some of you are going to be concerned about the pain I am having, and I am too, but so far everytime I go to the Dr. , everything comes back fine. Not surprisingly, when I stop drinking, the pain subsides, so if I don't feel better in a week, I will revisit the Dr.

Thank you all for reading.

RDBplus3

Hello Jillian,
I drank & drugged for 40 years, then s-t-r-u-g-g-l-e-d real hard for a long time trying to get free. I am now FREE, clean & Sober and FREE on the inside where it really counts - for 5 years now. My Sobriety date is 11.27.2103, and I live in Athens, GA with my wife - our 2 kids are in college.

I see from your post that you joined SRC in 2014, and you live in Georgia (I assume that is the USA, not Eastern Europe/Asia). If you are anywhere near Athens, and are interested, I have some very good female friends, ranging in age, that also struggled with Alcohol & Drugs, and are now FREE thru working the AA program. Not all AA meetings have people that actually Work the program and are experiencing the freedom that can be realized.

We would not have to meet - our groups respect the 'women working with women' aspect of AA. I can just direct you to an open meeting, or a direct contact, where you could 'check it out'. The Freedom is real.

If not, I hope you find your path to freedom, and I sincerely wish you and your family a Merry Christmas.

RDBlus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2.

Jillian2563

RDBplus3

There are also a lot of really good speaker messages online. Just do a web search for AA speaker messages.

XA-Speakers.org is a very good site. These can be downloaded for free.

Speaker Messages were a vital part in my struggle to get FREE.

RDBplus3

PhoenixJ

Jill- I know only too well those bleak days- the isolation and anxiety, the weather mirroring my feelings. I isolated and drank for a long time. Isolation is a death warrant for me (literally was for a short time). First off- remember if you are
Hungry- eat
Angry- short walk, breathing stuff
Lonely- get out of the house- library, community centre, people watch at coffee shop, walk in park- ANYTHING where humans will be
Tired/thirsty- rest/hydrate (water AND coffee).
If you cannot fix- problem solve how to diffuse your feelings and thoughts. Meetings- maybe lunch time ones? There is AA, but also SMART. Local community centre- maybe interest or support groups.
The point for me- is doing anything but just having myself as company. I still want to isolate- and making the effort to be around humans is exhausting, but once I get going, the anxiety subsides.
ALSO- my health, my GP for general health (blood checks, migraine management, depression/anxiety/pain management), psychologist (CBT- to change for the better my thoughts/feelings/actions processes) and a counselor (part of recovery program) for addiction management.

It does not matter to me- what I do, so long as it is something to stop me isolating, is with humans and does not involve booze.

My prayers and support to you.
Sad/stressed

Jillian2563

Lola87

Hi I'm a long time user of Sr I just had to set up a different account as I could not get to the link of reseting password. I was previously Lola1987. I had to reply as like you I had pain in my right side where my liver is. I went through blood tests and also an ultrasound to find cause. Bloods came back slightly high but ultrasound was clear.. I was terrified I had cirrhosis or alcoholic hepatitis. I quit drinking daily about 6 months ago. It took a long time to feel more normal. Occasionally at a family function I slipped so I made the decision to stop going to anything involving alcohol for the foreseeable future. I am 31 years old with two young children and I am not ready to die yet.. It has been four months since my last drink and I can only tell you how different my life is. I have just purchased my own apartment quit close to my mums home. A place I love and will make my home. I got a new job that I absolutely love also. In April this year I lost my job and thought nothing would be the same again. Life is amazing now. The pain in my side is gone. My bloods are normal. Everything is just good. You can do it. And you will do it. Sorry for taking over your thread I just wanted to show you that there is life outside of alcohol and its so so good. Wishing you all the best xxx

madgirl

FlawedNFntastic

A lot of us are women with kids and husbands and family close by. People who aren't alcoholics go, "How can you feel isolated? You have lots of people around you every second of the day!" But alcohol isolates the crap out of you. It drives wedges between you and everything and everyone you know and love.

I'm swimming around in anxiety and have been my entire life. I'm also socially inept. I kept thinking that drinking would fix those things. For me, nope. It made everything much harder. And I'd spend time with family and friends and coworkers thinking about when I was going to drink next and how much. It stole quality time from me and particularly from my kids.

You can make this change. You can break out. It is a huge change, and it's so, so hard, but you can do it. It doesn't make everything instantly easier, but it gives you back your life and it gives you back to your family.

Now, when I'm with someone else, I'm not thinking about drinking, or my side pain, or how I'm going to shuffle money around so I can afford more alcohol, or how I'm going to hide it. I'm thinking about how weird my kids are, or how much I hate Christmas music, or how that chunk of the sky is freaking gorgeous (even if that one cloud looks like Godzilla), and which video game or book I'm going to plow through that night. That's freedom for me.

I didn't have a ton of options as far as hanging out with people because I'm the sole caregiver for my kids. But there are things you can do with your kids and your husband that will help you be less isolated. If you go the AA route, that's a very good way to be around people who you can talk to about the deep crap - the embarrassing "I'm pretty sure no one has ever thought this horrible stuff before" crap (and you'll be surprised, we've thought it). It was imperative for me to be less isolated.

And there are other things you can do too. Go for a walk with your kids. Malls are war zones right now, but if you time it right, you can wander around a mall for an hour or so and be around people but not talk to them if you choose. We went to the nearby park. Every day at all hours of the day. In the rain, when it was freezing, when it was so hot we got sunburn in six minutes, whatever. At this point, I'm nearly a year sober, and my little boy is like, "Let's go to the park!" every day, because that was my therapy. That's how I got through the early days - walking miles and miles and coming home and rabidly reading everything on this site.

Just please keep in mind that sobriety is possible and you can find your way. All the best and I hope to hear more from you soon.

Jules714

I don't know the story behind why your family picture would be unhappy, but you mention your husband wanting to go out. Not sure if you are into that idea or not bc you go into wrapping gifts.
Taking him up on that idea might help with that isolating thing.
You say you had a binge last week & a doctor appointment. Very simply put, drinking won't help this pain concern. I had liver area pain (I thought, dr checked...was ok) and it just ended up eventually becoming pancreatitis. There is nothing physically nor emotionally redeeming to alcohol. It's toxic poison in every facet.
I hope you are done with it. You can be and things improve slowly but surely.
Good luck
Is la pas mexican still in the area? Great food. If not, one can never lose trekking to the Varisty. Even tgat weird pretzel pizza place, Mushroom something was decent...if you didn't attempt to imagine it was actually pizza, lol. Sorry...I'm a Yankee.
Jules

DriGuy

Like you, I tried to tap my subconscious, thinking the answer was there. Introspection is a good thing and marvelous way to growth, but if you're like me, you will find that the answer you're looking for right now isn't there, and I had that insight when I got sober.

I would suggest you lay your subconscious aside for now, and just get sober. To do that, you stop drinking. It's hard and takes will power, but self knowledge won't change that. It will require the same amount of will power with or without inner knowledge.

The self knowledge part will be easier without alcohol in your system. When you're sober, you can think more clearly. You know this, and should recognize the logic behind it.

For me there are two components to growth. Self knowledge and behavior change. You already have the self knowledge about your problem. You can work on the one related behavior change you need now, and stop drinking.

Other insights and growth will come, probably not the day after you quit, but when the nagging cravings subside, you will start being free to work on new pathways to knowledge and growth.

Jillian2563

ReadyAtLast

HI Jill,

For me, the early days of sobriety are emotionally raw. The problem is if I get to 1 or 2 weeks then drink then stop again I have to go back to the beginning and start the emotional rawness again. It's a never ending cycle. The onyl solution is to quit forever. The feelings do ease after 2/3 weeks and it does get easier,, slowky but it does.

I find The Naked Mind by Annie Grace really helpful regarding the conscious and unconscious minds and reconditioning our thinking.

DriGuy

If it actually works for you, I won't argue. I didn't work that way for me, but we are all different.

Jillian2563

Jillian2563

MindfulMan

Hi Jillian.

Have you seen a doctor about possible depression or bipolar issues?

I'm going through the same thing right now at 18 months sober, and getting medication, which is helping. I suffer from severe Seasonal Affective Disorder, and this year seems to be especially bad.

Not necessarily what's going on, and it's hard to tell what's alcohol and what's something else, but a good psychiatrist might be able to help you get and stay sober.

I'm a big believer in throwing every tool that you have at sobriety, the medical route is in addition to other forms of working sobriety like SR, AVRT, 12 Step...I agree that willpower alone isn't very effective. AVRT/Rational Recovery seems to be willpower based, but it really isn't.

It ALL gets better when you're sober.

Jillian2563

DriGuy

Bill Wilson addresses this in his comments about all of us searching for an easier softer way. This might be interpreted that he has found one in the 12 step program he has designed. It might also be interpreted as meaning there is no easier way to sobriety that to stop drinking. Spiritual types seem to find meaning in 1st interpretation, and if a person finds turning his life over to God is the answer, more power to them.

I understand your struggle, having been right where you are now, and I don't know all the answers, but what I found for myself was that I could end the struggle by stopping the drink. It's not easy, but what else is there to do if you can't find an easier softer way?

Eventually, you have to become bullheaded enough to stop, and most AA members agree that all of us eventually have to face that hurdle. If turning your life over to God makes it easier for anyone, I'm all for it. If there is another easier softer way, I haven't heard about it yet.

I'm really in your corner on this. I'll support anything you find that helps you come to the big hurdle, and delivers you to the other side.

madgirl