Hatred, Disregard, Projection
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Hatred, Disregard, Projection
My ex-friend who is in active (alcohol/opiate) addiction ended things with me a couple months ago after I emotionally confronted him about his addiction. I came here then in pain and confusion after he said he hated me and never wanted to speak to me again.
We have to see each other almost every weekday due to our location. We’ve mostly avoided each other but when we speak he is still so very cruel and hateful. I’ve been fairly calm and haven’t returned the hatred.
To everyone else he behaves with friendly manipulative charm. But he smears me, calls me names and oozes contempt for me when nobody is witness.
I thought he’d calm down and things would become neutral. His hatred even though he ended our relationship 2 months ago is still just as strong and just as vile. Today his hatred was really extreme.
I cant completely avoid him. I just want the hatred to stop. He won’t talk to me like a normal person to resolve the problem. I don’t know what to do. How do I get off an addict’s hate-projection path?
I’m still so hurt and confused.
We have to see each other almost every weekday due to our location. We’ve mostly avoided each other but when we speak he is still so very cruel and hateful. I’ve been fairly calm and haven’t returned the hatred.
To everyone else he behaves with friendly manipulative charm. But he smears me, calls me names and oozes contempt for me when nobody is witness.
I thought he’d calm down and things would become neutral. His hatred even though he ended our relationship 2 months ago is still just as strong and just as vile. Today his hatred was really extreme.
I cant completely avoid him. I just want the hatred to stop. He won’t talk to me like a normal person to resolve the problem. I don’t know what to do. How do I get off an addict’s hate-projection path?
I’m still so hurt and confused.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
There is nothing you can do right now, you certainly can't come to any kind of peace with each other when he can't even talk to you in a civil way.
I know you work from the same place, however in all cases all you really can do is try to avoid him even more, try never to get in a discussion with him if at all possible.
There appears to be more than addiction going on here, but it's hard to say.
I suspect you probably wish you had your relationship with him back? Accept him the way he is now, not how he was or how he "could" be, is that really a person you want to be close to in any way?
I know you work from the same place, however in all cases all you really can do is try to avoid him even more, try never to get in a discussion with him if at all possible.
There appears to be more than addiction going on here, but it's hard to say.
I suspect you probably wish you had your relationship with him back? Accept him the way he is now, not how he was or how he "could" be, is that really a person you want to be close to in any way?
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 82
I feel very much the same with a similar situation. You can read my story in this category " what is a raging alcoholic". I know the sick feeling in the stomach after being someone's whipping boy. I am starting to feel some normalcy after weeks of crying and wishing for a man who did not exist. Trailmix has great advise and has helped me a lot. I am taking small steps each day to dig myself out the feeling that no one will ever love me again. It will get better... please believe and be kind to yourself.
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
There is nothing you can do right now, you certainly can't come to any kind of peace with each other when he can't even talk to you in a civil way.
I know you work from the same place, however in all cases all you really can do is try to avoid him even more, try never to get in a discussion with him if at all possible.
There appears to be more than addiction going on here, but it's hard to say.
I suspect you probably wish you had your relationship with him back? Accept him the way he is now, not how he was or how he "could" be, is that really a person you want to be close to in any way?
I know you work from the same place, however in all cases all you really can do is try to avoid him even more, try never to get in a discussion with him if at all possible.
There appears to be more than addiction going on here, but it's hard to say.
I suspect you probably wish you had your relationship with him back? Accept him the way he is now, not how he was or how he "could" be, is that really a person you want to be close to in any way?
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,154
Originally Posted by Kore
It’s just shocking how much he hates me especially when he used to love me so much. It was an instant switch for him and it’s hard to understand. I don’t want a relationship with him anymore. I just want him to stop treating me so horribly when we are compelled to interact.
Having said that, I don't know how to do this differently. Breaking up, as necessary as it usually is, simply isn't fun.
Buy hey! Welcome to the club, anyone who has never experienced what you are going through right now is either a hermit or a liar. You're in good company.
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Originally Posted by DriGuy
I'm sorry to hear this, but not surprised. At the risk of sounding crass, you dumped him. That hurt him.
.
.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Addicts protect their addiction and you became a threat to that when you confronted him about it. His response was to get rid of the threat that’s why he ended things with you. He may always see you as a threat to his addiction while he is in active addiction and that’s why he acts out like he does. He also probably knows deep down that his addiction costs him someone special that he cared deeply about and seeing you reminds him of the bad choices he continues to make for himself. Addicts do not know how to handle their own emotions well, they lose impulse control and often rage is what comes out.
Not sure what you mean when you say you are compelled to interact with him. If he is saying those things at work in front of other people then you can address it with your HR dept. If he is only saying those things when you are alone then your goal has to be not to ever be alone with him and if that means addressing the issue with HR then that may be the road you are going to have to take.
Not sure what you mean when you say you are compelled to interact with him. If he is saying those things at work in front of other people then you can address it with your HR dept. If he is only saying those things when you are alone then your goal has to be not to ever be alone with him and if that means addressing the issue with HR then that may be the road you are going to have to take.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
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Originally Posted by Kore
Oh he dumped me. I got emotional and confronted him about his addiction. In one moment he went from love to hate and said he never wanted to see me again. It’s been a couple months now and every time we run into each other he is seething with anger and hatred towards me.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Somerset County, NJ
Posts: 70
Oh I know all about the hatred... I ended things with my EXAH Boyfriend three weeks ago. He has barricaded himself in his house with no heat drinking himself to death..Won't talk to anyone...When I checked on him his eyes were black with hatred and he told me to "go away crazy b*tch" mind you, this is the man that bought me a ring and wanted to marry me .....It's hurtful.
You may want to consider another job location, it will probably not get better and until you distance yourself you will keep tormenting yourself..
Best of luck
You may want to consider another job location, it will probably not get better and until you distance yourself you will keep tormenting yourself..
Best of luck
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by atalose
Addicts protect their addiction and you became a threat to that when you confronted him about it. His response was to get rid of the threat that’s why he ended things with you. He may always see you as a threat to his addiction while he is in active addiction and that’s why he acts out like he does. He also probably knows deep down that his addiction costs him someone special that he cared deeply about and seeing you reminds him of the bad choices he continues to make for himself. Addicts do not know how to handle their own emotions well, they lose impulse control and often rage is what comes out.
Not sure what you mean when you say you are compelled to interact with him. If he is saying those things at work in front of other people then you can address it with your HR dept. If he is only saying those things when you are alone then your goal has to be not to ever be alone with him and if that means addressing the issue with HR then that may be the road you are going to have to take.
Not sure what you mean when you say you are compelled to interact with him. If he is saying those things at work in front of other people then you can address it with your HR dept. If he is only saying those things when you are alone then your goal has to be not to ever be alone with him and if that means addressing the issue with HR then that may be the road you are going to have to take.
The things he says are so cruel. He despises me. Ive never been around such rage. I don’t want to bring the attention of others to what’s going on. I don’t want to escalate it. I just want him to stop hating me.
Thank you you for your reply. My heart is just shattered.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
He may be high on the narcissism scale, it does sound like it. In that case there is nothing you can do about it - which i'm kind of thinking you know and it's why you are at your wit's end.
All you can do is stay far far away from him. Don't engage him, don't look at him if possible, imagine he is not even there.
To do anything else is just asking for more trouble.
I know you are hurt and you don't understand his hatred, but do you have to? That's his problem, not yours, you don't control his feelings, he does and this is what he has chosen, you can't change that, all you can do is take care of your side of the street.
All you can do is stay far far away from him. Don't engage him, don't look at him if possible, imagine he is not even there.
To do anything else is just asking for more trouble.
I know you are hurt and you don't understand his hatred, but do you have to? That's his problem, not yours, you don't control his feelings, he does and this is what he has chosen, you can't change that, all you can do is take care of your side of the street.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Good morning!
I am going to give you a slightly different take on one avenue you might contemplate taking if things don't improve with this person.
For this guy to continue on this hostile track this late in the breakup is a huge red flag... do you know much about his past history with prior relationships? (I am a PI so I like to profile my subjects before planning a strategy). There are simple things you can do like check the court records wherever he has lived to see if he has had domestic violence or criminal charges. If he has been violent in the past use care as he sounds volatile.
The one thing that it appears he is concerned about is that others think well of him with his "charm" so I would get one of those cheap cop cameras that record from Bed, Bath and Beyond or the internet. Clip it on your blouse when you know you are going to encounter him and when he hisses his first words of contempt just smile and say "would you please give you name and date of birth for the camera"? Just point to the camera and turn on your heel when his jaw drops to ground.
That most likely would end it... what he is doing to you is borderline criminal and just the threat that you are documenting... and you should keep a journal with dates and times going forward. If it doesn't stop I would get a police report...
Again... please make sure that he is not a violent individual before attempting to reset boundaries.
Hope you have a support network through these difficult times...
I am going to give you a slightly different take on one avenue you might contemplate taking if things don't improve with this person.
For this guy to continue on this hostile track this late in the breakup is a huge red flag... do you know much about his past history with prior relationships? (I am a PI so I like to profile my subjects before planning a strategy). There are simple things you can do like check the court records wherever he has lived to see if he has had domestic violence or criminal charges. If he has been violent in the past use care as he sounds volatile.
The one thing that it appears he is concerned about is that others think well of him with his "charm" so I would get one of those cheap cop cameras that record from Bed, Bath and Beyond or the internet. Clip it on your blouse when you know you are going to encounter him and when he hisses his first words of contempt just smile and say "would you please give you name and date of birth for the camera"? Just point to the camera and turn on your heel when his jaw drops to ground.
That most likely would end it... what he is doing to you is borderline criminal and just the threat that you are documenting... and you should keep a journal with dates and times going forward. If it doesn't stop I would get a police report...
Again... please make sure that he is not a violent individual before attempting to reset boundaries.
Hope you have a support network through these difficult times...
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by trailmix
He may be high on the narcissism scale, it does sound like it. In that case there is nothing you can do about it - which i'm kind of thinking you know and it's why you are at your wit's end.
All you can do is stay far far away from him. Don't engage him, don't look at him if possible, imagine he is not even there.
To do anything else is just asking for more trouble.
I know you are hurt and you don't understand his hatred, but do you have to? That's his problem, not yours, you don't control his feelings, he does and this is what he has chosen, you can't change that, all you can do is take care of your side of the street.
All you can do is stay far far away from him. Don't engage him, don't look at him if possible, imagine he is not even there.
To do anything else is just asking for more trouble.
I know you are hurt and you don't understand his hatred, but do you have to? That's his problem, not yours, you don't control his feelings, he does and this is what he has chosen, you can't change that, all you can do is take care of your side of the street.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
this goes beyond alcholism-- it's something else...
... I don't know what, but I've been around AA and Alanon rooms since 2003 and this is not normal. This ************ is a psychopath. Do whatever you need to do to be safe.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but at least you know now who he really is.
Take care,
C-
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but at least you know now who he really is.
Take care,
C-
Originally Posted by trailmix
He may be high on the narcissism scale, it does sound like it. In that case there is nothing you can do about it - which i'm kind of thinking you know and it's why you are at your wit's end.
All you can do is stay far far away from him. Don't engage him, don't look at him if possible, imagine he is not even there.
To do anything else is just asking for more trouble.
I know you are hurt and you don't understand his hatred, but do you have to? That's his problem, not yours, you don't control his feelings, he does and this is what he has chosen, you can't change that, all you can do is take care of your side of the street.
All you can do is stay far far away from him. Don't engage him, don't look at him if possible, imagine he is not even there.
To do anything else is just asking for more trouble.
I know you are hurt and you don't understand his hatred, but do you have to? That's his problem, not yours, you don't control his feelings, he does and this is what he has chosen, you can't change that, all you can do is take care of your side of the street.
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