Spider

I have been hanging on by dental floss. I am just about 6 months sober this time. I just wanted to follow up on a theme that I constantly read here, hear in meetings, and within therapy sessions. Almost without exception people say the anxiety subsides with time. This has never been the case for me. The longer I am sober, the fiercer the mental tornadoes are...these combined with a feeling of being buried alive. At it's worst, it is a second to second unbearable existence. I long ago gave up on the idea of ever being happy on this sphere...I just want, and can cope with, an endurable level of depression, but every time it slips away.

Granted, this time is worse. I have a conviction that is automatically disqualifying (not that it matters...of the hundreds of resumes I send out, I get close to zero responses). My savings are close to gone after supporting a family and putting a kid through college debt free, and more. I am in a horrible 24 year marriage.

I have done a great deal in terms of "plans". I have done rehab; I have done out-patient multiple times; I have been in close connection with an MD and therapist within the Chemical Dependency Department for years; I have attended AA; I have worked the steps; I have tried acupuncture; I have tried SSRI's; I have done mood modification meds; I have read the DSM's: I have read tons of literature.....and every single time I find myself in this situation where I am willing to trade any and all sobriety time for just a couple of hours of relief knowing exactly where it will take me. Has anyone else had this experience? At this point, I am simply curious. Thanks

getright15

Hi cordeliatolear,

Yes, I'm going through the exact thing as I type this, but I'm pretty much at the bottom except for being in the grave. I get how you feel I really do. My wife is the only thing that separates me from jail, homelessness and insanity for the time period.

I've tried a lot of what you mentioned: AA, IOP, Rehab (40 days), therapy, couples counseling, prescribed meds, self meds, prayer, reaching out to others as my sponsor insists on. Yet, still in the same dreadful place. I feel your pain. Just know you aren't alone.

Right now all you can do is one day at a time. Trust me I hate the cliche, but it is true! My sponsor was really trying to give me the jump start I needed today. It at least got me to not be in bed ALL day like I was.

Dee74

I think there are some that find their anxiety is alcohol related and things get better,. for others like me the anxiety is a lifelong problem so it makes sense that quitting alcohol wasn't going to solve the issue.

It took me a while to feel less anxious - like you I tried lots of things - the greatest healer for me was time tho - time and nuilding a sober life I loved.

I looked at my priorities, I looked at my fears and the way they spiralled in my thoughts, and I looked at how much I took on for other people - whether they asked me to or not.

I like to say I resigned as General Manager of the Universe. Surprising the Universe and the folks in it got on very well without me at the helm

I'm still anxious - but I'm the least anxious I've ever been,

There a veritable compendium of things that have helped me here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...f-respite.html (Relief and Respite)

Its a long road though and I'm sorry you feel as tho you're worse now than 6 months ago.

All I can do is urge you to keep looking for solutions - drinkings not one of them: - it's like pouring gas on an open fire.

D

Ghostlight1

Man, I feel for you two. That sounds horrendous.
I know the alcohol made me so anxious I one time hid in a closet.
But that was when I was drinking.

Now, I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
I'm on an anti-anxiety medication that has given me my life back.
And, mind you, I've been sober almost ten years and still get anxious occasionally. But I know it's nothing a drink will help.
Not even a brief reprieve. The consequences are just to great for me to risk and throw away what I worked so hard for.

My thoughts go out to you both, and I wish you peace.

Fearlessat50

I agree with what Dee said.
Are you still taking SSRIs? Still in therapy? If the meds aren’t helping, have you thought about switching to a different one? I tried all the prescriptions and they either didn’t work or they did but didn’t like the side effects. Ultimately, I started seeing a naturopath who recommended 5htp which is a natural serotonin supplement. It has saved my life. I’m not giving medical advice because I’m not a doctor. But there are other options. I was depressed and alcoholic drinking for about 7-8 years before I found a path that has worked for me

As far as therapy, I also went through three therapists before I found one who is a good fit.

I would also say be patient with yourself. At six months, you are still young in your sobriety. And if you’ve relapsed before at this stage, your body maybe going on auto pilot. You can reverse that though!

For me, My journey has also been very spiritual. Not in a churchy religious way but I do go to yoga and do a lot of meditation, journaling and inward reflection. I read a lot of books on recovery.

Intense aerobic exercise can help too. I trained and ran three half marathons my first year sober.

Keep going!

orderfororder

Hey cordeliatolear,

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this and I wish I could offer you a direct solution. Anxiety is a common thread for many of us in recovery, but it is obviously to varying degrees. What helps for some is not going to help for others, and I worry that my suggestions would be too simple, especially considering that you seem to have put a lot of effort into this.

I will say that, from your posts, you seem like a smart and introspective person. Perhaps in addition to implementing more stress relief into your life, you can find a way to foster this ability as a tool. You can try to learn yourself, figure out the patterns of what triggers your anxiety when its at its worst so that you can anticipate it and develop some strategies around it. And as I said, implement some stress relief. Self care. Take care of your body, eat well and exercise. Perhaps look into meditation.

It is possible that there will be no instant treatment to your problem, but rather a series of little changes that will gradually help to ease it over time. In any case, don't give up. Best of luck.

bexxed

At the risk of possibly giving terrible advice, have you considered changing other things? One thing that jumps out is a terrible marriage. If it’s terrible, that might be something to change.

“Serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference”.

Spider

Thank you individually for the responses; they all serve a utility. And any and all suggestions are welcome (I had my feeling surgically removed some time ago, though some grew back).

I have addressed the marriage recently. I have no less than 4 calls out to attorneys as I write. The options though are grim. As I mentioned the job hunt has been abysmal and so the equity in my house after an imminent sale will be my only resource. I have always been particularly hard on myself, but now as I 've mentioned a pre-born state looks like a kindness. Too, I've always been a worker and a protector as a dad....too much on the latter I think.

I have an appointment next week with my MD and therapist....I am trying to hold on till then.

:edit: Dee, that thread is a work of art. The language and message are as helpful as the links, which I read. Save to faves, yes....but I agree with the one who mentioned it would be a good sticky

Dee74

Glad you guys found it useful - but the owners don't like too many stickies - whaddya gonna do?



D

Fearlessat50

Love that thread. Spent some time on the links about anger and fear. Very helpful. I saved these to my favorites.

DriGuy

I've dealt with anxiety, but not like yours. Mine would come in a sudden wave and then be gone. I haven't experienced it in years.

As you have no doubt read there is a condition called something like anxiety disorder. I don't know what that feels like, and I'm not sure what the treatments are. I don't think it's common, but it's common enough to have been identified.

I wish I could help. I can't, but I think you're looking in a lot of the right places for help.

Spider

The obvious hit me yesterday clearly. I think people, at least me, have to have some sort of hope of a productive life with self respect in sobriety. I have been holding on for today. I have an appointment with my chem dependency MD today. I'll see what he has to say, but I am not optimistic.

Spider

Ok, I just saw the MD. He prescribed me Abilify and Naltrexone. The pharmacist said my thoughts should clear up in a week or two per the Abilify, which is great because I didn't know I wasn't thinking clearly. By all accounts, from what I have read today, this drug eliminates feeling. Can't wait to feel absolutely nothing listening to music and reading Shakespeare. That, and now my hallucinations will subside :eyeroll:. Good grief...I feel the more I talk about this to my professionals , the less I am heard. And weight gain. I just tipped the scales at 214...that is up from 6 months ago at 185....but more is predicted as it's a common side effect.

By chance, has anyone had good results with this anti psychotic?

Dee74

I've never tried it Spider but I hope it's useful for you, with no side effects

D

Spider

I took as prescribed. Within 30 minutes I was very dizzy and nauseous. I was floored. I laid down at 2:30 and just got up waking about every hour. Nausea lasted all night with 2 bouts of vomiting, which although was miserable, it was an unwelcome and unexpected deterrent to my drinking. Still feeling a bit dizzy, but the nausea has subsided. Can't win to lose.

Dee74

Sometimes meds take a while to bed in and lose the side effects?

Still that sounds pretty intense - maybe it's worth going back to the Dr?

D

Spider

Yes, I have read and heard as much. Tbh, the other side effects are not something I want to embrace. I have a lot of problems, but schizophrenia isn't among them. He asked about my mood state and I explained the practical factors of my life and my wish for a baseline, bearable level of misery, but that as time goes by I spend inordinate amounts of time at the breaking point where I desperately fight off relief...drinking. I told him I can't imagine anyone living like this. Frankly, my admission that I would settle for livable amounts of depression (which I have told him for years) amounted to a chemical compromise.

It is a very soft science, bolstered by academic letters, with disproportionate influence. ECT has been back for years due to the failure of SSRI drugs.

Dee74

I hope that you and your doctor can help you reach a place tou feel is tolerable Spider.

If not this doctor, perhaps another one?

D

D122y

Spider,

Exercise might help, but i was a basket case off and on for well over a year

What gave me hope was that i had moments of clarity. I also found, even at 30 days clean, that adrenaline rushes helped.e.g. riding roller coasters/the scariest rides.

I did my sober time anti d free. I hear getting over that is a whole new level of half life hell.

I am feeling pretty good these days so i will say just keep suffering and it will eventually get amazing.

Relapse...it starts over. Eventually insanity takes over.

Thanks.

Spider

Yes D, the light at the end of the tunnel (if it's not a train) is exercise. I usually work out to close to failure in sobriety, but an injury had kept me away this time resulting in a 30lb weight gain. I think it was you who said you chase the adrenaline train and I too share that addiction. I am back every morning now....burning between 800-1000 calories at about an hour on the elliptical... the weights have to wait as the symptoms of the injuries persist. As for relapse, I do understand where it'll take me.

Thanks all