Today
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Join Date: Nov 2018
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Today
Today I have been a mixed up bag of emotions. If you haven't read my past 2 post, I have told my RAH I am moving to another state December 18th. I still am in love with RAH, I am leaving to gather thoughts over whether I am willing to accept he might relapse or if washing my hands of the situation is best for me. The past 8 years have taken their toll on me and I am tired! We are still living together until I go, one minute I feel strong about my decision, the next I break down crying uncontrollably. We are speaking kind to one another, but he has ask for me to quit saying I love you and is sleeping on the couch! WHY am I so painfully hurt by this, rationally I get it, but never expected the level of pain from those two things! Feeling crazy, yet keep telling myself, he is a grown man, a good man with a problem, we are not a solid couple as he is a full blown recovering alcoholic with a horrific history with alcohol long before we met, his track record sucks! I don't know what I am trying to accomplish by writing this, just very scared I am making a mistake!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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It might be helpful to go back and read your first thread again. 8 years living with an alcoholic is a LONG time (I believe it's 24 years in "normie" time).
You've probably been though hell. While he has stopped drinking what other improvements have you seen? Has he been willing to go to work? If he has other problems (depression, anxiety) has he sought help for those?
There is another member here (dandylion) who (somewhat) jokingly suggests that the recovering alcoholic should go live far away while in recovery and then return.
Maybe what you both need is time and distance?
You've probably been though hell. While he has stopped drinking what other improvements have you seen? Has he been willing to go to work? If he has other problems (depression, anxiety) has he sought help for those?
There is another member here (dandylion) who (somewhat) jokingly suggests that the recovering alcoholic should go live far away while in recovery and then return.
Maybe what you both need is time and distance?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dragonfly...….I refer you back to the post that I made to you at 2:59 pm, yesterday…...these are still the same things that I would say to you, today....
The thing that I would add, is , that, your husband is an individual and is entitled to his own reactions and feelings...whatever they may be....and ,it is his responsibility to deal with them, also.....That is all on his side of the street....
It seems, to me, that you are entitled to the break that you feel that you want/need..... I don't see where that is a mistake.....
Honestly, if taking a break, such as you are planning can destroy a marriage (I suspect that may be your great fear?_Then, maybe, the marriage doesn't have enough left to be saved.....
Sometimes, there has just been too much water under the bridge....
Isn't this break intended to help answer some of these questions...?I really do get it that you are feeling that this is a momentous action....because, I think it really is....
I think that some of the realities of life are....that all actions can have risk associated with it....life is not risk free.
Change can bring intense feelings...even positive change.....
There is no place where we can get guarantees...no matter how much we want them!
I don't see anything that you have listed, so far, that says that you don't deserve to take the break that you so much want.....
The thing that I would add, is , that, your husband is an individual and is entitled to his own reactions and feelings...whatever they may be....and ,it is his responsibility to deal with them, also.....That is all on his side of the street....
It seems, to me, that you are entitled to the break that you feel that you want/need..... I don't see where that is a mistake.....
Honestly, if taking a break, such as you are planning can destroy a marriage (I suspect that may be your great fear?_Then, maybe, the marriage doesn't have enough left to be saved.....
Sometimes, there has just been too much water under the bridge....
Isn't this break intended to help answer some of these questions...?I really do get it that you are feeling that this is a momentous action....because, I think it really is....
I think that some of the realities of life are....that all actions can have risk associated with it....life is not risk free.
Change can bring intense feelings...even positive change.....
There is no place where we can get guarantees...no matter how much we want them!
I don't see anything that you have listed, so far, that says that you don't deserve to take the break that you so much want.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 20
Thank you Trailmix and Dandylion, I have been reading post on here for years and you two always help to calm my mind, hugs and love to both of you! I keep telling myself all these deeply sad emotions are ok, part of the process! This is honestly the hardest thing I have ever had to do! Thank you again!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Originally Posted by trailmix 
It might be helpful to go back and read your first thread again. 8 years living with an alcoholic is a LONG time (I believe it's 24 years in "normie" time).
You've probably been though hell. While he has stopped drinking what other improvements have you seen? Has he been willing to go to work? If he has other problems (depression, anxiety) has he sought help for those?
There is another member here (dandylion) who (somewhat) jokingly suggests that the recovering alcoholic should go live far away while in recovery and then return.
Maybe what you both need is time and distance?
You've probably been though hell. While he has stopped drinking what other improvements have you seen? Has he been willing to go to work? If he has other problems (depression, anxiety) has he sought help for those?
There is another member here (dandylion) who (somewhat) jokingly suggests that the recovering alcoholic should go live far away while in recovery and then return.
Maybe what you both need is time and distance?
I was WRONG. The RA is going through profound life changes. Their coping mechanism is gone, and they are left with nothing. 100% nothing. Their families may or may not be in their lives, they may have no jobs, legal trouble, you know the drill.
Depending on how long they have been drinking, they may not even know what an emotion is, how to feel it, how to handle it, or what to do with it. My RAH started drinking at 12, so that was his starting point. Your RA may start at a higher point, but he still has to live with the guilt, learn new coping skills, clean up the mess he made, repair family bonds, repairing a career etc.
My RA is doing well at almost 11 months sober. Our marriage is slowly being repaired. I feel like both of us would have had an easier and maybe faster healing time if we had lived separately though. My RAH doesn't feel that way. However, he doesn't even remember much of anything from the first 6 months of his sobriety.
Living with a RA is brutal! It was hard when he was drinking, and believe it or not, 10 times harder when he wasn't. Read my past posts.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Categorically, this IS NOT a mistake. While it may be painful right now, IMHO it is the single best decision you will ever make for yourself in your entire life. The only decisions you may ever make as good as this one is never date another alcoholic or addict-- EVER. This is coming from somebody too weak to leave their alcoholic and the pain never goes away... it just gets worse as you listen to your life clock tick away to its final moments as you live in misery each and every day.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
I went through a lot of emotions and ups and downs when I was on the edge of walking away. I look back and if I know one thing, it is that what we deal with while living with AH is not a normal " up and down" in a marriage. We stretch our normal so far out that it is difficult to grasp what healthy relationships look like. I am 33 and when I started therapy, the single most difficult thing to do was swallow the bitter pill that I knew nothing about what healthy relationships look like because I had grown up in a home where it did not exist. I was just mirroring unhealthy patterns in my marriage and that was my street to clean and my sole responsibility to accept in recovery. My clarity only came after I separated and let go of him and his problem and got the focus on myself- that was a whole different roller coaster. As I have heard in the rooms of al anon over and over, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship with an active alcoholic or a dry drunk. It is also impossible to have a healthy relationship when my codependency is so strong. My recovery really started once my tears had dried and my emotions were more manageable for myself. The last two months of my "marriage" were with a dry drunk and I almost wished that he would just drink and shut up- I felt so guilty for having those thoughts but it was impossible to have any rational discussions when the dysfunction was so bad. Give yourself the gift of discovery and let his creator take care of him. You may just be giving him the gift or chance at true recovery too- although that choice will always be his. My heart hurts for him- everytime I have seen him in our divorce, I have seen him deteriorate a little more- physically and mentally but I have no control over it. It is frustrating but I can either hang onto that rope and go down with him or I can save myself- I cannot save him from himself and that I am sure of today.
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