Well guys, I am having an off day...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Somerset County, NJ
Posts: 70
Well guys, I am having an off day...
Hi All:
I am having a weak day..Ever since last night I have been thinking about my AX Boyfriend…we haven’t spoke in two weeks, he has locked himself in his house and it doesn’t even have any heat (hes out of oil) He lost the house in Foreclosure but they haven’t seemed to evict him yet. He is surrounded by vodka bottles and a space heater..It’s a disaster waiting to happen. Even if I do a wellness check the cops can’t force him to get help. His phone’s off, he lost his job and the last time I tried to talk to him he yelled at me and told me to leave, he is a plain nasty drunk right now and it breaks my heart. We were together almost three years..This is really tough.
My questions are two things, how long can this possibly last? He is not showering, barely eating and just drinking Gatorade or vodka. He had had no human contact in almost three weeks..I do not understand why he is doing this! I know it’s bad this time because not only did he lose me, he lost a VERY GOOD job. He has relapsed three times and his job held it..he was nervous to go back and I think he feels he let his job down too and is embarrassed. I wish I understood.
Second question, if a house doesn’t have heat, especially in the winter, can it be deemed unsafe? The cops said last time this happened if the house is deemed unsafe for human occupancy they can remove them. I guess since I never had an addiction problem I can’t understand what he is thinking right now.
You all have been so helpful, and I appreciate any help to get through this.
I am having a weak day..Ever since last night I have been thinking about my AX Boyfriend…we haven’t spoke in two weeks, he has locked himself in his house and it doesn’t even have any heat (hes out of oil) He lost the house in Foreclosure but they haven’t seemed to evict him yet. He is surrounded by vodka bottles and a space heater..It’s a disaster waiting to happen. Even if I do a wellness check the cops can’t force him to get help. His phone’s off, he lost his job and the last time I tried to talk to him he yelled at me and told me to leave, he is a plain nasty drunk right now and it breaks my heart. We were together almost three years..This is really tough.
My questions are two things, how long can this possibly last? He is not showering, barely eating and just drinking Gatorade or vodka. He had had no human contact in almost three weeks..I do not understand why he is doing this! I know it’s bad this time because not only did he lose me, he lost a VERY GOOD job. He has relapsed three times and his job held it..he was nervous to go back and I think he feels he let his job down too and is embarrassed. I wish I understood.
Second question, if a house doesn’t have heat, especially in the winter, can it be deemed unsafe? The cops said last time this happened if the house is deemed unsafe for human occupancy they can remove them. I guess since I never had an addiction problem I can’t understand what he is thinking right now.
You all have been so helpful, and I appreciate any help to get through this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It would be impossible to know what he is thinking right now. It sounds like he is consumed by his addiction. It wouldn’t hurt to have a welfare check done on him. Let the decision to remove him from this residence and be evaluated at a hospital to the police. If someone has space heaters going with no heat I wouldn’t think that constitutes removing them from that home. If his mental alertness is not what it should be, they may be able to remove him based on that.
How’s he getting his vodka and Gatorade?
It is very heart wrenching to watch someone you love become consumed by their addiction and not have any ability to help them. My heart goes out to you.
How’s he getting his vodka and Gatorade?
It is very heart wrenching to watch someone you love become consumed by their addiction and not have any ability to help them. My heart goes out to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,642
lij- perhaps 2y + allows me some credibility. I was in the same place your ex is in now. The only person who could get me sober was me. There was support there (in Australia- maybe different, but the Salvo's was my life changer). Addiction follows no rules and when others (my family tried for years to help me- but I just became angry and resentful- mainly at myself, but took it out on others- so now they have cut me loose- understandably. You can check- but you cannot change people. Only he can do that. Make sure you keep your own safety as being important and do not put your life on hold. Days can quickly turn into months- or longer.
My prayers and support to you and prayers for your ex.
My prayers and support to you and prayers for your ex.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
He's making choices, albeit self-destructive ones. My favorite Alanon maxim: let go or be dragged. Alanon would be a big help and it's enormously supportive for those of us obsessing over an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
Nothing wrong with doing a wellness check. I think it would give you peace of mind (like, no blood on your hands) and he doesn't have to know who requested it.
I would also be interested in how he's getting his vodka and gatorade (my AH's two favorites as well, btw - - sometimes he mixes them!). Do ya'll live somewhere where they will deliver things like that, or perhaps he's driving drunk to get it and then going back home. Whatever the case. Not your problem, but I understand that you have a kind heart and you don't just want him to die. Let the police check on him. As far as trying to understand what's going through his head.....LET THAT GO. You can't understand crazy.
I would also be interested in how he's getting his vodka and gatorade (my AH's two favorites as well, btw - - sometimes he mixes them!). Do ya'll live somewhere where they will deliver things like that, or perhaps he's driving drunk to get it and then going back home. Whatever the case. Not your problem, but I understand that you have a kind heart and you don't just want him to die. Let the police check on him. As far as trying to understand what's going through his head.....LET THAT GO. You can't understand crazy.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
let go or be dragged.
OP, if you are not speaking with your Ex, how do you have all of this current information? Not meant to be snarky, but just asking. If you do all of that - checking on him or having authorities check on him - then be honest with yourself that you are getting involved with him again. I don't know if you were in NC, but you're definitely in contact now and rather heavily involved. It's important that we keep honest with ourselves and proceed from there.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
This is so absolutely heartbreaking Lost. Watching a wonderful decent person just go to pieces.
All of us here have been through some version of this. The helplessness is excruciating.
I so hope you are being kind to yourself and circling every wagon you have. This is indeed tough.
All of us here have been through some version of this. The helplessness is excruciating.
I so hope you are being kind to yourself and circling every wagon you have. This is indeed tough.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi lostinjersey,
There have been times I've called for help to turn things over to people who have the training, experience and emotional distance to deal with something that's beyond me.
Other times when I've prayed about something like that, I realized I've done everything possible and it's not up to me if another person lives, or how they live. I felt at peace. Someone else's life is not mine to manage.
How are you doing today?
There have been times I've called for help to turn things over to people who have the training, experience and emotional distance to deal with something that's beyond me.
Other times when I've prayed about something like that, I realized I've done everything possible and it's not up to me if another person lives, or how they live. I felt at peace. Someone else's life is not mine to manage.
How are you doing today?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Somerset County, NJ
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Mango212
Hi lostinjersey,
There have been times I've called for help to turn things over to people who have the training, experience and emotional distance to deal with something that's beyond me.
Other times when I've prayed about something like that, I realized I've done everything possible and it's not up to me if another person lives, or how they live. I felt at peace. Someone else's life is not mine to manage.
How are you doing today?
There have been times I've called for help to turn things over to people who have the training, experience and emotional distance to deal with something that's beyond me.
Other times when I've prayed about something like that, I realized I've done everything possible and it's not up to me if another person lives, or how they live. I felt at peace. Someone else's life is not mine to manage.
How are you doing today?
Hi! I am doing much better, I haven't heard from him or reached out in over 9 days...I did the wellness check, the cops said the same thing "He answered the door, said he didn't need help and shut the door". I just have to move on. Thank you for checking up!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I logged on to see how you were today, but I see you're feeling more at peace. Good! It's a hard spot you're in. Alcoholic or not, he is a human being and you have a history with him. It's not surprising if you still love him and worry about him. You are doing well, keep putting one foot in front of the other. 💕💕💕💕💕
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Somerset County, NJ
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Wamama48
I logged on to see how you were today, but I see you're feeling more at peace. Good! It's a hard spot you're in. Alcoholic or not, he is a human being and you have a history with him. It's not surprising if you still love him and worry about him. You are doing well, keep putting one foot in front of the other. 💕💕💕💕💕
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