AutumnMama

My husband and I had our last marriage counseling session earlier this week. I am not sure how I feel about the therapist. I think my husband had her snowed--he has this compulsive need for people to like him--it was so obvious when I was listening to him tell her stores. I had to stop myself from laughing or rolling my eyes multiple times.

I am still sort of stuck in the cognitive dissonance (thanks to whoever mentioned that on my last post, that really helped give a word to a feeling I have had for a long time) between him as the person I met and who he is now. But, I'm slowly just realizing it doesn't matter why, I'm just going to accept it.

We talked about custody a little bit--I said what arrangement I was comfortable with and he didn't disagree. He wants to do mediation, instead of each getting a lawyer and dragging it out. He loves being a martyr, so I don't think I'm really at a disadvantage by doing it that way. He also has never cared about money (he had a very privileged upbringing) so I doubt that will be something we argue about. The only thing he balked at was when I said I wanted some sort of way for me to protect my son in the event he drinks or uses drugs around him.

The therapist even kind of balked at that idea because he has been 'sober' for over a year and nothing ever happened involving our son. I mentioned one incident where he drank a bottle of scotch at night while he was home alone with our son, but she said 'that was two years ago...'.

I tried to articulate that I think he takes pills. That I've found evidence of such. That sometimes he seems 'off'--his eyes seem wider, he seems more aggressive. I said there was an incident where he had some pink pills laying on a chair--in eye level and reach of our 3 year old--that looked like Mike & Ikes. My husband said "but they were turmeric!" I said I looked a long time online for a pink colored turmeric pill (they're all orange, duh) and I couldn't find one. She seemed to listen to me a little more then, but I still felt like she thought I was overreacting.

She was also kind of annoyed at me for not having spoke to him since our last appointment a couple weeks ago. I'm like--uhh...he asked for a divorce, I'm not happy about it, I didn't want to sit down and start hashing out details of a divorce yet, okay? It's been like two weeks.

Anyway, I guess I'm kind of venting now. Sorry! Haha

My husband called me after the meeting and said that after thinking about it, he could see why I wanted to be able to drug test him if I thought something was going on. He said he has an issue being 'forced' into doing something, and that he wanted to have control over it. He said he would go to Quest Diagnostics before each overnight visit with our son for the first year, or something like that. He's going to put it in writing, and I'm going to look at it and think about it, I guess. I'll see what he comes up with, but I'm not going to settle with a non legally binding agreement... no "yeah I'll do x, y, and z... don't worry! take my word for it!" (insert eyeroll)

He just seems so normal to everyone. And so charming. And that makes me feel like a nutjob for my gut telling me that he is taking drugs of some sort.

In other news, I'm emotionally doing a bit better, I feel like. I have days where I will cry over really random things, but I also have days where I feel pretty good. Luckily, we physically separated months ago, so part of the grieving has already taken place. But I'm sure it will come in waves. I feel capable of handling it, though.

hopeful4

The therapist should definitely not be "annoyed" with you. That is inappropriate.

I think it's good he is willing to put something into writing. Keep moving forward.

Big hugs.

Mango212

Having a counselor who is aware of the dynamics of addictions and alcoholism makes a big difference.

There is a great strength that comes in moving forward in our own care, however that looks on any given day.

trailmix

And that is why you see posted here so often that marriage counselling with an addict is such a waste of time (when trying to save the marriage).

I think, in your case, it was not a wasted exercise, what do you think?

Your gut tells you he is using, based on what you have said, I think you are right. No, tumeric is not pink (but I bet he didn't know that at the time he said it) - and yes, he can be charming and oh so sensible in front of the therapist. The therapist cannot be very well versed in addiction since she went along with it.

Don't second guess yourself on the drug use, please. Think about it this way, it is your observation vs a person who is an addict.

Is there any way on earth he is going to confess to using, based on what you know of him? You are about to enter negotiation for custody, why on earth would he confess, to a therapist or anyone.

Stick with what you think and what you know.

Hang in there Autumn, this is tough but yes, you will get through.

dandylion

Autumn......therapists, counselors, etc....unless they have had special training and experience with dealing with alcoholics and addicts, usually don't know very much about it. Even if they are, otherwise good at their work.
Even if they say that they are "familiar" with alcoholics/addicts. Most do get a spattering of it, during their training or education...but, that is really not enough to deal with a slippery and m anipulative client.
I remember, that when I first started working with alcoholics...I was pretty much clueless....but, I was fortunate to work on a psychiatric unit with several experienced mentors...several,of whom, were lo ng recovering alcoholics, themselves......wow--did I have a lot to learn!
Same can be true of medical personnel....while they may be expert in treating the physical consequences of alcohol and drugs....often, they don't know much more of the dynamics than the average person, on the street...lol...
Like I say...it takes a period of special education/experience...…

I think that people who are excellent manipulators--especially the intelligent and charming kind...such as those with narcissistic or sociopathic features....which can be present in some alcoholics and addicts....they can, often, wrap a therapist around their fingers!!…..
These kind of people can turn it on...and, turn it off....they are very good at "reading " the other person or situation, ad present the behavior that serves their purposes.....
Also, the pathology and bad behaviors that they end up in front of a therapist -for (usually drug there by a spouse)….are only acted out in other settings...thus, the therapist never gets to see it...!

Another point...in mediation...If I were you, I would make sure that you have your own lawyer to go over all of the agreements, before you sign off on anything....as he may try to "pull the wool", in his own favor...especially anything that monitors his substance use....

Don't let him or the therapist intimidate you....you have to the one who looks out for your own welfare....neither of them are going to be the ones who live in your skin or pay your bills, or hold your h and, while you cry, in the middle of the night.…..

AutumnMama

I have been doing pretty well lately, until yesterday when I was picking my son up from my husband/MIL and my husband called our son "buttercup"

He used to call ME buttercup

Then I remembered how he would sing me silly songs (like the "my little buttercup..." song from Three Amigos), and change the words to include my name or something about me.

I cried for a while after my son went to sleep about it--what happened to that guy? He adored me. I felt it. I remember being almost embarrassed by how happy we were, when comparing my life to my friends'... Now I don't think he can ever remember feeling that way. What happened to that man? Sigh.

The grief definitely comes in waves.

alwayscovering

I'm so sorry. *BIG HUGS*

I know the feeling. I was looking at AH the other day and was wondering the same thing. Where did he go? Is he even still in there?

hopeful4

Addiction sucks. I am sorry you are hurting. Big hugs!

trailmix

It is very sad, i'm sorry Autumn. You know, he was an alcoholic or at least a heavy drinker when you met him/married him. Perhaps now he can't process those emotions at all, or it's just the progression of the alcoholism.

That's the devastating part isn't it. If they get sober there is nothing to say that their personality won't change, or rather not be recognizable and if they don't, well it will surely be affected by alcohol over time.

When drinkers first drink, or at least earlier on, they tend to be a pretty jolly lot. The guy you meet in the bar or at at a party is part of the life of the party! Laughs, drinks, fun, wanting to go out.

If they choose recovery, that's over for quite some time and if they don't, well that is still going by the wayside.

Sorry just pondering this really. There is no good way unless it is addressed by some really serious recovery work.

AutumnMama

Yeah sometimes it's like you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. I think it really depends on what the emotional issue is behind the drinking in the first place. I'm not even sure my husband is in 'true' recovery. He is seeing a therapist once a week, but has only attended a few AA meetings when he was in detox... he said he didn't like it. He didn't think he was like the other people there (I know we've all heard that one before...)

But I just have to accept that this person he is right now is going to stick around for the foreseeable future.

He is working on his 'testing regimen' and it going to have his therapist review it before he sends it to me. I know it's important, but in my brain I think "what's the point?" I don't know that I'll believe the results. They don't even test for the things I think he's doing.

FallenAngelina

I'm not an alcoholic, but when I was really ready for recovery with my codependence, I told myself that I would look and look until I found an AlAnon meeting group that was "my kinda people" enough that I would keep with it. I promised myself that I would not let "I'm not like them" stop me from the change that I wanted for myself. Lo and behold, I found a great meeting group that is full of my kinda people. I imagine that it's much the same with alcoholics. When a person is truly ready to commit to recovery, he will open himself up and find commonalities with the people who can help him. Until he is ready to commit, he will just see the many ways that he is, once again, different and separate from "those people."

Mango212

One day at a time.