ChucktownMC

Hey All,

Went to al-anon for the first time in a while today and am going tonight. Planning to work the steps as I know they saved my life and helped me recover from a hopeless state of mind and body in alcoholism.

Here is a link to another thread for some background:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oundaries.html (AW w/ Alcoholic In-Law Boundaries)

My wife is currently 4 months sober and doing well. We've been seeing a couples counselor that specializes in addictive families which has been helpful. She has had limited contact with her parents and sister but their is still contact and I struggle with that. The latest wave of emotion came during Thanksgiving in which we spent the actual day with another family in recovery which was nice. The following day my wife took the kids to have lunch and see a movie with her parents and sister. Her sister btw had 11 months sober and is in some sort of private hell drinking with her parents again. The day after my 7 year old asked me why I didn't come to the movies yesterday and I didn't know what to say. It just made me more emotional - sad, angry, frustrated...

The counselor we are working with wanted to see about inviting the parents in without my wife and I in an attempt to get their perspective and help us all move forward. Again, the invite was made a couple weeks ago to her mom with non-threatening language from the counselor personally. The same response of "let me check with your step-father" who ultimately won't do it so her mom won't do it. Everyone just moves on like the invite never happened, no response, no yes or even no.

I get really frustrated with this. Why can't her mom step up and go it alone? Why doesn't it bother my wife that they don't? She admittedly has a coping mechanism of not expecting anything out of her parents and having low expectations.

I guess the way I see it is that right now they are getting to continue to see you and our kids about once a month about. They're getting exactly what they want with no consequences for their insane behavior and actions. To me this looks like enabling.

It's one of those sick relationships where they loved me as a hyper successful drunk but have been repeatedly offended by the things I need to do to protect my sobriety over the last couple years.

Am I grieving because them not making any effort is a sign of that the relationship is dead? Can I not let go because I think I can fix them?

It's making me miserable - maybe someone can relate?

trailmix

I think you resent the fact that you are being excluded now you are not the "high functioning" fun guy drinker.

You would like to fix all this up and control it and you can't and that can be annoying but until you detach from it you will make yourself unhappy.

Your wife has a right to make her own decision here, it is her family (however dysfunctional) and you really should perhaps respect that?

This isn't actually about you per-se. Once you see that it might not hurt so much because it won't be personal. She is not choosing them over you or over the children even.

I hope Al-Anon proves to be a great help to you.

ChucktownMC

Trailmix - Yes, I can definitely agree with what you said. Struggling with them not liking me. Why should I care?

I agree about what you said about my wife too. Probably an overblown paternal instinct on me. I think it is just hard to see people as close as your wife and kids be around people that loath you so much. I am struggling with that.

trailmix

Well as not-really-great as it might have been, you were still part of the unit, now you are excluded - that hurts! Doesn't mean you should necessarily WANT to be part of that unit.

For the other part, this is where trust in your wife comes in. She's not misguided or blind to their faults. You two have discussed all this (probably at great length). Trust in her. If you don't, ask yourself why you don't, is it her or is it you?

Mango212

Hi Chuck,

It really does come down to pray & follow, one day at a time and "more will be revealed".

In al-anon I learned how to receive guidance from my Higher Power, trust in the process and my own gut instincts. Other skills I've picked up in many places, including here, include developing healthy relationships, mindfulness, meditation and enjoying life.

Congratulations on your recovery.

ChucktownMC

For the other part, this is where trust in your wife comes in. She's not misguided or blind to their faults. You two have discussed all this (probably at great length). Trust in her. If you don't, ask yourself why you don't, is it her or is it you?

Trailmix - This is a great question. Yeah, there is a lack of trust. Particularly with them together. I called them the gang of thieves because my wife was in and out of recovery and would drink with them and they all would lie, going out of their way to lie when I didn't even ask. In my AA amends to her mom, her mom pleaded to me to be ok with her daughter drinking again and said she was praying for that. So it's this huge cycle of everyone keeping each other sick and enabling. That was my experience for the first 20 months of my sobriety so there is a lot of trust issues and pain there.

I crawled in to AA suicidal and dying and her parents told me I wasn't an alcoholic 3 times.

Hoping Al-anon can help me work on that. Time takes time.

dandylion

Chucktown…..Yes, as a matter of fact, I can relate. (long story...lol)….
Here is what I learned.....best to let your wife's family stay on her side of the street. It is her job to deal with her parents.....

And, you stay on your side of the street...and, it is your job to deal with your family....

I do get it, that you feel hurt and rejected by them....that is only human, I think....But, it I what it is....you can't change them...nor should you be trying to...because it will just amount to a fool's errand....
You will get past it.
You may never get to a total love fest with your in-laws....maybe, just being "civil", when necessary, can be your only goal....who knows?
I realize that it might not be the Norman Rockwell scenario that you might like, but, it can lead to less conflict between you and your wife, and set a better nd m ore peaceful example for your daughter…..

I realize that this approach that I just suggested may take some time and work, on your part....as it isn't easy when you feel so entwined....
This is where work with he therapist and exploring some of the baggage from your own early family life can be of help....

Of course, you and your wife can discuss your feelings, together....and, this could be where the therapist could help you....


Lol...I wish that I understood this, early in my marriage....it sure would have relieved me of a lot of angst!

What I have written is just m y take on this k ind of situation...as usual---take what helps and leave the rest...

dandylion

Chucktown…...the following link...in case you are too young to know who Norman Rockwell is....

https://www.bing.com/images/search?q...orks&FORM=IGRE

ChucktownMC

Ha, I'm 36 but a old soul. Of course I know who Normal Rockwell is. Thanks for the insight.

dandylion

lol...ChuckTown…..I am impressed!
There are some young people who don't know what a telephone book is.....and, have never worn a watch with hands.....

FallenAngelina

The more disconnected we are from our HP, our self-assuredness and our own soul, the more we look to other people to approve of us, the more we are crushed when we see signs of disapproval, rejection, abandonment. The more connected we are with our HP, our self-assuredness and our own soul, the less we feel concern over others because we find approval, acceptance and a warm embrace within ourselves every time.

FallenAngelina

...or a watch at all. Most use their phones to keep track of time.

Eauchiche

".... I called them the gang of thieves because my wife was in and out of recovery and would drink with them and they all would lie, going out of their way to lie when I didn't even ask. In my AA amends to her mom, her mom pleaded to me to be ok with her daughter drinking again and said she was praying for that. So it's this huge cycle of everyone keeping each other sick and enabling. That was my experience for the first 20 months of my sobriety so there is a lot of trust issues and pain there. "

I didn't want to miss this detail, Chuck. I would think there is some fear here that her family might successfully pull her off the wagon again. I have to confess that I would be more fearful than you under these conditions."

trailmix

Yes, personally I would have gone to the movie (if you were invited). I would be going to any family get-together

Would I hate it, yes - I'd go anyway and be very civil.

A united front.

Mango212

Wonderfully put.

As we break the chains of familiar dysfunctionality, things may feel a bit jumbled up at times. That's okay.

ChucktownMC

Just got home from Al-Anon. It was a really good meeting and the best group around these parts. Similar to when I walked in to AA, I felt like I wasn't alone and had some hope.

I got a sponsor, probably the best guy around here you could ask, who is going to start working with me. We've talked in the past but I wasn't at the point I am now where I am stuck in the cycle of control, rage, sadness, etc.. I guess I am ready now.

As much as we learn we are not in control in AA, I've found it hard to apply when active toxic alcoholics are so entwined in your family. I'm really looking forward to this new perspective.

Thanks for being here everybody.

hopeful4

Yes, active addiction is awful. I actually think your wife is spot in that she expects nothing from an addict. I also think it's a good thing to keep visits to a public place, especially one like the movies where no one has to even speak very much. And kids always love movies!

I am glad you got a sponsor and that you are attending Alanon.

FireSprite

I don't know the exact right word to describe this - for me I know that once I really saw things clearly & could no longer choose to UNsee them, it drove me insane to watch my loved ones continue to interact with dysfunction of any sort.

I struggled to contain it sometimes because it definitely comes out sideways as self-righteous behavior - can't you see what I see??? I can't make anyone do that - they have to walk their path, their way.

Plus, as the only one in any sort of recovery my changing attitude came off as better-than, know-it-all, thinks-she's- so-great, got-it -all-figured-out-doesn't she? - which only further isolated me from the pack.

Families teach survival, not evolution. It is a huge threat to them that she gets & stays sober & you have obviously become the target for their discomfort. I wish I could say it gets easier - but that's only true when the other parties are willing to do the work too & that's rare in my experience so far.

FireSprite

Totally agree.

For me, it also ended up meaning strictly limiting time with people who continually tread on my boundaries. The last few months I've also ended up going NC with anyone that "makes me feel hard to love" - it's difficult enough to change that deeply rooted old programming without the Greatest Hits popping up & replaying randomly & dragging me back into that soul-crushing place.

Life is short & tomorrow is a wish, not a promise; I intend to enjoy every minute of it that I can.